The Rules of Regret (26 page)

“
Wrong,
”
Torin interjected like a buzzer.
“
You had a choice. You chose poorly.
Darby is the one that doesn
’
t
have a choice. And now she
’
s
supposed to what
—
just
accept it and move on?
”

“
We have to. It
’
s what needs to be done.
”

“
To protect your family
’
s name.
”

They
still faced each other. I still slumped onto the wall.
“
Everyone has a role to play in this,
and I need her.
”

“
You don
’
t need her,
”
Torin spit, angered by Lance
’
s words.
“
You just need her compliance. That
’
s completely different.
”

“
I need Darby. I can
’
t do this without her.
”

Torin
nodded and thumbed his chin in that dimple. His cheek had started to swell, and
it made his right eye smaller than the other as the scarlet inflammation crept
up his face.
“
You
can
’
t
pull off this lie without her, you
’
re
right.
”

“
We can
’
t live the life we
’
ve always dreamed about if we don
’
t do it this way.
”

“
I don
’
t dream about us anymore.
”

Lance
spun around so fast on his heel that he had to catch himself before he
completed another rotation. I wanted to see hurt in his eyes because it would
make what we had feel like it was worth something, but only anger came through.

“
I don
’
t dream about us anymore, Lance. I
haven
’
t
for a while now.
”
I was pretty certain I said the words, but they were so quiet even I had a hard
time hearing them.
“
You
are not part of my dreams.
”

“
And what? Torin is?
”
Lance flicked a glance over his
shoulder. His eyes slivered.
“
You
’
re not actually gay, are you?
”

“
No,
”
Torin said,
“
I
’
m not. And I
’
m pretty sure I
’
m in love with Darby. And I
’
m pretty certain she
’
s in love with me.
”
My head felt dizzy. My legs went all
Jell-O.
“
And
even if she isn
’
t,
it doesn
’
t
change things for me. Because unlike you,
”
Torin continued, tilting his upper half into the space between the two of them,
“
I
’
m still capable of loving her even if
she
’
s
not physically in my life. Even when she
’
s
not around. Even if she chooses you and only becomes a memory to me.
”
Torin was talking to Lance, but his
eyes didn
’
t
falter from mine.
“
Even
if that was all I had, I would love that memory of her. She taught me how to do
that
—
to
love the memory of someone like it
’
s
a real thing.
”
Torin swallowed quietly; his voice became even quieter. I knew he was talking
about what I
’
d
done with Anna, and it made me feel less crazy than I probably deserved to
feel.
“
If
that
’
s
what I was left with
—
with
only our brief story
—
I
would love that time when we were together with all I had. Because those
memories are real and tangible to me, and if loving them was as close as I ever
got to loving her again, that would be enough.
”

I
shook my head in disbelief, in the disbelief that someone like Torin even
existed in the world. And that somehow
—
by
some intervention I could only consider divine
—
I
’
d been lucky enough to find him in a
corner of mine.

“
If Darby ends up with you, that
’
s fine,
”
Torin continued.
“
I can live with that because you won
’
t be getting the same Darby I had. If
she picks you, then she
’
s
gone again. And I
’
ll
know I
’
m
the only one that ever got to
really
have
her. And I
’
ll
hold onto that knowledge for the rest of my life, and feel honored that I was
that one person she briefly let in.
”
Lance didn
’
t
say anything, but neither did I. We waited for Torin to finish, because his
soliloquy had us both drawn. And I realized that out of all the words he
’
d ever spoken
—
both his own and
the borrowed ones
—
these
held the most truth for him. These held the most truth for me.

“
But if she chooses me
—
she chooses
herself.
”
He shook his head and closed his eyes.
“
And
God, I hope that she does. I hope, for once, she chooses herself over everyone
else.
”

There
was no use fighting back the tears anymore. No use because it was a battle I
wasn
’
t
strong enough to fight. I sniffed an ugly-cry sniff, shoving the heel of my
hand against my nose to try to hold it back, but nothing worked. Every emotion
I had for this boy came out of me with uncontrolled abandon.

“
There was a time when Darby needed me
and I was there for her. I need her now.
”
Lance finally turned toward me, speaking these words to me rather than to me
through Torin.
“
I
need
you, Darby.
”

Standing
in front of two people that claimed to love you should make you feel, well
…
loved.
But it didn
’
t.
Because I only felt it from Torin, and what I felt from Lance, though existing
in a separate space than those feelings from Torin, pulled down on everything.
It was like my reality was crashing around me and there I was, standing among
the rubble. Lance had demolished it all, and Torin was trying to build it back
up.

“
I needed you once too, Lance.
”
I felt the sweat slipping down my
back. Everything was hot. Stifling. I needed to get out of this building. I
needed some air.
“
I
honestly don
’
t
know what I would have done if you weren
’
t
there when everything happened with Anna.
”
The tears had stopped, thank goodness. Those I had under control
—
at least when
talking to Lance. At least I had that part under control.
“
But I needed you because something I
could have never expected
—
something
I had no control over
—
happened.
I needed you to help me navigate through it all.
”
I tossed my hand skyward.
“
But this? This thing with Clara? This
was not out of your control. You controlled every aspect of it, but I can
’
t let you control me anymore. I can
’
t let Anna, either. I have to take
control. I have to do this for me.
”

“
But there are other people involved
in this, Darby. My parents? Oh God, my parents. Do you have any idea what this
will do to them if you don
’
t
go along?
”

Lance
started to pace, not in an orderly pattern, but one that zigzagged across the
room with frantic motion. His breathing picked up speed, and so did his feet.

I
caught his eyes as he strode toward me and swallowed before saying,
“
But do you have any idea what it will
do to
me
if I do?
”

After
that, no one said another word.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

We
didn
’
t
go to the gala, though I was pretty sure we didn
’
t even have an actual invitation to
go anymore. We really didn
’
t
have a reason for still being in D.C. at all. But Torin was here. To me, that
felt like reason enough.

By
the time Lance had left, I
’
d
wondered if he would even make it before the festivities were over. But that
wasn
’
t
my problem anymore. Lance needed practice in the art of truth telling. If
anything, I
’
d
given him another opportunity to perfect those very rusty skills.

It
was late, the time indicated that to be the case, but the three-hour difference
made it feel weird to be going to bed so early. Nine o
’
clock was really our six o
’
clock and that was more like dinner
time than bed time. Even still, I slipped out of my clothes and into a
spaghetti-strapped tank and flannel pants while Torin brushed his teeth in the
adjoining bathroom.

I
listened to the rhythm of the bristles scraping his teeth, the back and forth
of a sound that felt intimate on some level. Because doing commonplace, routine
things with someone held a certain sense of intimacy that wasn
’
t at all sexual or sensual, just
intimate. There was a difference. To know someone intimately was to experience
these little, daily consistencies with them. And for as insignificant as tooth
brushing could be, it felt entirely significant.

“
Ahhhh,
”
he proclaimed as he propped open the
door. He didn
’
t
have a shirt on; his pajama plants were slung low on his hips.
“
Minty fresh.
”
His dimples pulled at his cheeks,
though the one on the left was harder to see under the swollen flesh.
“
Want a taste?
”

Yeah,
I really did, but instead I just laughed it off, thinking it might be a joke,
but realizing (and hoping) it probably wasn
’
t.

“
I
’
m starved.
”
He yanked the room service binder
off the nightstand and crashed down onto my bed. I really liked the sight of
him on my bed, and liked what it did to my stomach. Instead of the hollow
growl, a swarm of butterflies and a nest full of wasps filled the typically
vacant space.
“
Let
’
s order in, shall we?
”

We
talked over our options, noting room service practically cost the equivalent of
our plane tickets home, and both of us settled on sharing a side of mac and
cheese and bottled water. We had twenty minutes until our
“
meal
”
was scheduled to arrive. Torin
flicked on the television, but neither of us actually watched it. That wasn
’
t really the plan.

“
I don
’
t think that stellar tooth brushing
of mine should go to waste,
”
he blurted during a commercial break of Jeopardy. I
’
d been tucked under the cover of the
sheet while he rested on top, so when he turned to face me he
’
d inadvertently pulled the fabric
underneath him.

“
Argh,
”
I growled as the sheets tourniqueted
me.

“
I
’
m sorry!
”
Torin laughed, and tossed off the
covers to join me. It felt like the sleep sack again, but more intentional,
because in this moment, he knew I was there with him.
“
Is that better?
”
He slipped down next to me, tugging
the duvet up to our ears. I wasn
’
t
really cold, but being under the comforter with him made me understand why it
was named that: comforter. Because that was the exact sensation I experienced.
Overwhelming comfort with the boy that I
’
d
just discovered I more than likely loved.

“
My mouth really does taste amazing
right now, Darby.
”
He pulled at the fabric draped over us. I slid toward him an inch, and our legs
pressed closer together. Fabric on fabric, with even more cloaked over us.
“
You should taste it for yourself.
”

“
Oh yeah?
”
I teased, and he moved forward. Our
arms tangled. Skin on skin. Not much, but enough to change the way my heart
thrummed inside my chest.

“
Yes. And really, to get the full
sensation, you
’
re
gonna have to use your tongue. It seriously is all Double Mint Gum status fresh
up in here.
”
Torin waved a hand over his mouth and smiled so widely I worried for a moment
that the newly formed scab on his face would burst.

“
This is how you want our first kiss
to happen?
”
I asked, hesitant because it didn
’
t
feel romantic or spontaneous the way first kisses should. Though in reality, I
supposed it wasn
’
t
a first kiss at all. A third, but the first one that we
’
d both intentionally desired. And the
first one that was okay for us to have together. For all intents and purposes,
we were about to have our first kiss. I started to freak out.

“
This is how I want everything about
you. Like this. Making the mundane monumental.
”
He scooted closer.
“
Seriously. Everything you touch turns
to gold, Darby.
”

“
Ah, there it is,
”
I said, nodding, poking at him
beneath the covers.

“
What?
”

“
Your plagiarizing. It
’
s been a while, but I see you
’
re back at it.
”

Torin
shrugged indifferently.
“
So
what? I like quotes.
”

“
I like your originality,
”
I countered, because I did. I liked
when Torin was just Torin; when I knew the things he said came from somewhere
deep inside him, not from some surface level of past memorization.

“
It is as though a thousand little
garden gnomes chewed up mint-flavored crystals and then blew them into my
mouth. In Antarctica.
”
I burst into laughter so loud I thought the neighbor on the other side of the
adjoining wall might report me to the front desk.
“
That was a Torin original. You like?
”

“
I love,
”
I giggled, instinctively covering my
mouth with my hand.

Torin
stretched over and pulled it back, coiling his hand around mine, his warm
knuckles squeezing between my fingers.
“
I
told you not to cover that up. Plus, it makes it a little hard to do this when
you do.
”

 
His lips pressed to mine first, then our
chests. Skin on skin again, but more intense than earlier. Because, it turned
out, there were definitely specific patches of skin that held more sensitivity
than others, and when those met, your body responded in a much different way.
There were parts that made other parts feel certain things. When our arms
touched, the hairs on them stood on end. But now, when his shoulder pushed
against mine and the swell of my chest depressed against the muscle of his
chest, I felt it in parts of my body that usually didn
’
t feel anything. Which, I realized,
was insane because I
’
d
felt all of Lance
’
s
body on all of mine before, countless times. Skin on skin with no barriers
between us. But there always had been a barrier, one made of emotion and not fabric.
And that, it turned out, was a thicker barrier than anything else.

The
commitment to our kiss lessened when Torin pulled back slightly to say,
“
Is this okay?
”
His eyes searched mine for
confirmation, flickering over them.
“
Is
it okay if I kiss you, Darby?
”

“
Yes,
”
I said, nodding quickly.
“
It
’
s more than okay.
”

And
it was, because for all of the things that felt so wrong lately, this felt so
unbelievably right.

He
moved in.

So
did I.

He
shifted closer, bunching the sheet beneath us, pressing the entire length of
his body to mine. From our chests to our toes, everything lined up.

I
waited for it
—
waited
for him to lessen the gap between our mouths, because at that point, those were
the only things not touching
—
but
he paused.

“
This is not a dream,
”
he said, locking eyes with me,
referencing our first kiss.
“
This
is not a distraction. This is me saying I love you, in this way. I
’
ve said it with my words, and there
are hundreds of other ways I want to say it to you, but right now, this is how
I
’
m telling you.
”

And
he did. So clearly, Torin told me he loved me.

Slowly,
but not hesitantly, he pressed in. I felt his breath against my lips and it was
warm and admittedly, very minty. When his bottom lip actually did make contact
with mine, it was also slow, deliberate. Like he was savoring every part of
this experience. Like he didn
’
t
want to rush it at all, but take it all in via one-second increments.

Then
his upper lip touched mine. Both of our lips on the other; our mouths
completely connected. I don
’
t
think I moved them at all, partly because I was stunned by the way something so
small could make my entire body feel the way it did, but also partly because I
was waiting for him
—
waiting
on Torin
’
s
next move.

Again,
he moved with caution.

With
pressure that didn
’
t
really feel like pressure at all, he traced his lips over mine, guiding them in
a way that made me mimic each movement. Some game of Simon Says where our lips
were the players and everything he did caused me to instinctively do the same.
He pulled my bottom lip into his mouth; I pulled his upper into mine. He coaxed
my lips apart and slid his tongue in; I waited until he withdrew his and
trailed my own into his mouth.

It
amazed me, but he was completely right. His movements were his
‘
I love you,
’
and my reciprocation was the
‘
I love you
’
back. And it wasn
’
t all lust-filled or frantic or even
too entirely sexual. But it was an exchanging of our unspoken words with our
bodies in this way, for this moment. Maybe later it would be in another way,
but this was how we chose to speak to one another now. I loved this language.

Torin
pulled apart to gather air, and when he drew his head back, his chest pressed
even further to mine. The heartbeats ticking under his skin were fast and
fluttering. For as controlled as our kiss was, Torin
’
s heart rate was entirely
uncontrolled, bordering on tachycardic.

“
This is what you do to me, Darby.
”
Scooping up my free hand, he placed
the flat palm of it onto his chest.
“
That
kiss may have been my
‘
I
love you,
’
but this is my,
‘
Holy
crap, if that was just a kiss, sex might kill me.
’”

A
laugh shot out of me so fast that it sounded like a snort, which should have
made me utterly unattractive, but Torin
’
s
mouth on mine again proved otherwise.

“
You are too damn cute. I can hardly
stand it.
”
He dropped a kiss onto my nose.

“
I hope you can. I don
’
t want you not standing me.
”