The Rules of Regret (12 page)

I
fidgeted on the log, not out of physical discomfort, but because the words he
spoke felt like fingernails scratching up my back and made it impossible for me
to sit still.
“
Do
I regret letting Lance become part of my story
—”

“
Not part of your story, the
whole
story.
”

“
I
’
m not sure I think he is the whole
story. I
’
m
here, aren
’
t
I?
”

“
You
’
re
here
so you can go
there
.
”
Torin replayed my lines from
yesterday, that word thief that he was.

“
I think it
’
s inertia, Torin. Like you said. I
think when you
’
re
with someone, something gets set into motion and your lives move forward
together. There
’
s
really no way to stop it, even if you wanted it to.
”
And more often than not, I did want
it to, I just didn
’
t
know how.

“
Of course there is. You take the pen
back. You say,
‘
Thank
you for the chapters you
’
ve
written, but I
’
ve
got it from here.
’”

“
I think Lance is a decent enough
author,
”
I admitted, staring down at my nails. I had pushed all of my cuticles back as
far as they could go, and then I moved on to picking at hangnails.

“
I think Lance writes mediocre,
predictable jargon. I
’
d
much rather read something penned by the brilliantly peculiar Darby Duncan. Now
that could be a New York Times best seller.
”
 

“
She
’
s retired.
”

“
Yeah,
”
Torin chuckled,
“
I heard. Ran out of ink at the ripe
old age of thirteen.
”

I
pulled at a piece of skin a little too forcefully and blood pooled at the base
of my nail. I thrust it into my mouth to suck it off and to buy some time
before answering,
“
Why
do you care who writes my story? In six weeks I
’
ll be out of here and done with this
chapter.
”

Torin
pushed his hands to his knees and rose to stand. The smoke from the fire danced
between us, curling around him as he looked down at me. His eyes lost that
playful gleam and embodied an intensity that drew the hairs on my arm to stand
up on end.
“
I
care because I
’
d
like to be more than just a few pages in your book, Darby.
”

I
didn
’
t
say anything for a few minutes. Neither did Torin. He rotated the fish more
times than necessary. I figured he was banking on the fact that I didn
’
t know anything about cooking food
over an open flame, but I was pretty sure you didn
’
t have to spin it quite that
vigorously. I didn
’
t
say anything, though.

“
I told you I had a confession.
”

I
looked up at him, startled by his words because it had been quiet long enough
that I
’
d
almost forgotten what his voice sounded like.
“
Another one?
”

“
Yeah. I
’
m on a roll, huh?
”

“
You should totally title your own
biography
Confessions of a Mountain Man
.
”

“
Funny, Darby.
”
Torin shot me a contrived smile.
“
I wanted to apologize for thinking
the things I did about you.
”

“
About how I
’
m a crazy, stubborn, failed author?
”
Among other things.

“
No, how you
’
re hot and intriguing and how I
totally wanted you.
”
My stomach dropped out of me completely. Good thing I never felt like eating
because it was completely gone.
“
Seriously,
like I even dreamt about you last night.
”
I could see him faintly pull his bottom lip into his mouth, and I knew exactly
what that dream involved. It had been a reality for at least one of us.
“
You said you wanted to hang onto your
modesty yesterday, and I basically made it so you couldn
’
t. And then I totally thought things
about you that I would never want some guy thinking about my girlfriend. That
’
s completely wrong and I
’
m sorry. I probably owe Lance an
apology, too.
”

I
tucked my chin into my neck and tightened my brow to the point where it started
to impede my vision.
“
That
’
s not necessary,
”
I said quickly, knowing that his
confession to Lance would likely result in Torin
’
s broken jaw. And he had a pretty
nice jaw. It should stay intact.
“
Just
so you know, Lance has thought those things about other girls, and acted on
them, too.
”

“
And you
’
ve stayed with him?
”

“
Yeah.
”
I
’
d never been insecure about that
fact, but the way Torin looked at me with such questioning eyes made me
second-guess myself and my decisions.

“
Why would you stay with someone that
could do that to you? And please don
’
t
say 'because I love him,
’
or 'he said he was sorry,
’
something equally as self demoralizing.
”

“
You lost your brother, right?
”

“
Yeah.
”
Torin
’
s eyes slivered.

“
So you know what it
’
s like to lose someone you love, not
by choice.
”

“
I suppose.
”

“
I chose to forgive Lance because I
’
m not ready to lose him. He
’
s become family, and family makes mistakes.
The ones you
’
re
closest to are the ones that have the ability to hurt you the most, right?
”
Wasn
’
t that how the saying went?

“
I can
’
t decide if you have a really big
heart, or just a really small brain.
”
Torin rotated his face and looked directly at me.
“
But since you go to Stanford and I
have to assume the admissions department that reviewed your application wasn
’
t a bunch of mindless monkeys, I
’
m going with the former.
”

“
Lance isn
’
t the kind of guy you break up with.
”
The edge of the butterfly bandage
fluttered from my forehead and I lifted my hand to secure it back into place.
Unfortunately, all of the stickiness was completely gone and it peeled away
almost completely. Fantastic. I had Medusa hair and bandages falling off of my
scabby body. Not to mention I didn
’
t
get any sleep last night. Unless Torin had a thing for zombies, I didn
’
t think I
’
d run the risk of him ever
“
wanting
”
me again.

“
What does that mean? That he
’
s exempt from being dumped because it
’
s not kosher to break up with a guy
like him?
”
Torin sounded frustrated.
“
I
’
d like to learn how to achieve that
elite status because it sounds pretty nice to get a free pass to do whatever
you want, and still have an amazing girl at your side.
”

I
didn
’
t
know what to think about that because it was an insult and a backhanded
compliment all wrapped up in one punch.

“
Listen,
”
Torin continued.
“
I get that relationships are
complicated. Life is complicated. I just want to make sure you
’
re not selling yourself short, Darby.
Because I don
’
t
know Lance, but the fact that he
’
s
cheated on you pretty much makes him an ass in my book.
”

Torin
noticed me fiddling with the bandage and walked over, lowered his stance, and
pulled his hand up to my face. His eyebrows lifted to ask permission and I
nodded slightly. He tugged the remaining portion of the Band-Aid from my
forehead and ran his finger over the scab, the fresh ridge of it under the pad
of his index finger. We were inches from one another, and his eyes secured onto
mine in a way that made my entire body buzz just under the surface of my skin.

“
This looks good,
”
he said, his gaze lifting to the
injury above my brow.
“
I
think you should leave the bandage off and let it get some air today.
”
I nodded again, still fixated on
him. His gaze briefly trailed down my face to my lips, and they held there long
enough that it made me uncomfortable, lightheaded, and slightly giddy.
“
I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds,
I just want you to know that you
’
re
worth more than being someone
’
s
backup, Darby.
”

“
I don
’
t feel like his backup. I feel like
his constant. And in truth, I
’
m
too afraid to be anything else.
”

“
We need to work on your fear of the
unknown.
”

“
I
’
ve had the unknown happen, Torin. And
it was more terrifying than anything I could have ever imagined.
”

“
I know.
”
His voice trailed off and so did his
eyes.
“
Me
too.
”

Still
kneeling in front of me, he took hold of both my hands, pulling them close to
his chest, the beat of it vibrating against them.
“
And I think that
’
s something we should work on
together.
”

CHAPTER NINE

“
When we get to the end of this
trail...
“
Torin called out over his shoulder, motioning with a stick toward the base of
the trampled path,
“
...we
’
ll need to stop.
”

“
You finally getting tired?
”
I was hoping beyond hope that I wasn
’
t the only one on the brink of
passing out. I
’
d
reached that stage where my heartbeat flooded into my eardrums and the echo of
my pulse didn
’
t
just reside in my wrist and my neck, but strummed all over my body.

“
Not at all.
”

“
Oh.
”
Shoot.

“
We gotta do a tick check.
”

“
A what-what?
”
Of course that rock had to be
precariously placed right in front of my left shoe, and I stumbled forward, my
gangly arms flailing on either side as I awkwardly skip-jumped before
rebalancing back into an upright walking position.

“
You okay?
”

“
Yup.
”
I totally almost ate it.

“
A tick check. I need to check you for
ticks.
”

I
went more bug-eyed than the literal bugs Torin was talking about.

“
You do know what a tick is, right?
”

My
eyes rounded and I held up an impressively unfazed front, but the thought of a
bloodsucking parasite burrowing into my body sent waves of panic through me
that I could hardly contain. I loathed insects to an unhealthy degree.

“
There are ticks here?
”

Torin
pulled his backpack off of his broad shoulders and tossed it to the ground, then
grasped the hem of his t-shirt between his fingers. In one fluid movement, he
lifted the fabric from his torso, the sheen of sweat glistening across his
tanned chest.
“
Now
you do the same,
”
he said, monotone.

“
Wha
—
?
”

“
Totally kidding.
”
A playful smile burst onto his face.
“
Just take off your backpack.
”

I
did as he requested and the tick inspection began.

Lowering
into a squat, Torin started at my ankles, carefully surveying the bare patches
of skin up to my shins. He grazed across my flesh with the palm of his hand,
running it up to my knees with the lightest amount of pressure. I wasn
’
t sure if this was actual survivor
overnighter protocol, or if he was pulling another bikini prank on me, but I
honestly didn
’
t
care. I felt too good to be angry, and I really did hate the idea of a tick
making itself at home in my skin.

“
All clear. Turn around.
”
I rotated 180 degrees and his hands
drug across to the backs of my thighs, his thumb brushing against the soft
flesh at the base of my jean shorts. The pit of my stomach felt heavy as I
trapped a breath in, hoping my actual body wasn
’
t as shaky as my breathing.
“
This looks good, too.
”

With
his hands on my hips, he swiveled me around to face him, guiding my body under
the intense scrutiny of his eyes. Torin coursed his hands up my arms to my
shoulders against my exposed arms to the slope of my neck, every area that my
tank top didn
’
t
cover. I could see his midsection flex out of the corner of my eyes into six
distinct ripples and I thought maybe for a moment he was trying to control
something in himself, too. But I didn
’
t
let that thought get too comfortable in my head. I shouldn
’
t be thinking things like that about
Torin.

“
See anything?
”
My loose hair tumbled across my
shoulders and Torin scooped it into a ponytail to survey the skin underneath.

“
Nothing so far,
”
he said, his mouth so close to my
skin I could feel the air behind his words.
“
But you
’
d be able to feel them, too. They
pinch.
”

That
was a relief to hear because it terrified me to think that I could have a
foreign bug feasting on me without even knowing it.

“
Almost done.
”

I
felt his fingers skimming my shoulder blades and in the same moment that he
said,
“
Uh
oh, wait,
”
I felt the prick of something at the base of my neck, a piercing sensation that
completely freaked me out.

Unfortunately,
my freak out wasn
’
t
limited to just my thoughts, and it burst through my body, too. Swatting at my
hairline, I bat Torin
’
s
hand away, using my own to claw and scrape at whatever was stinging my neck.

“
Get it off, Torin!
”
I shrieked, beating his bare chest
with my palms.
“
Oh
my God, get it off of me!
”

“
Hold still.
”

“
I can
’
t,
”
I screamed, jumping up and down and
shaking my head with the force of a heavy metal head banger.
“
Seriously, Torin!
”

“
Let me see,
”
he said way too calmly.
“
You have to hold still.
”

But
asking me to do that was like asking a sugar-loaded toddler to sit through an
opera at the MET.

“
I can
’
t!
”

“
You
have
to.
”
Torin grabbed me by the shoulders, bracing me tightly as he said,
“
Stop moving.
”

“
Get it out! I can feel it crawling
into my neck!
”

“
No, you can
’
t.
”

“
Yes, I
can
, Torin!
”
Visions of me laid up in a hospital bed with Lyme disease and Rocky Mountain
spotted fever cartwheeled through my head.

“
Did it feel like this?
”
With the tips of his thumb and index
fingernails, he grabbed a section of skin on my forearm and squeezed down,
leaving two crescent marks in their place.

“
Exactly like that.
”

An
innocent couldn
’
t
wear the grin that crept onto Torin
’
s
face, so mischievous and coy. No, he was guilty
—
incredibly guilty of making me just
complete the biggest freak-out session anyone this side of the Trinity Alps
Wilderness had ever witnessed.

“
You,
”
I snarled through gritted teeth,
slugging him solidly against his chest again. I wasn
’
t expecting my knuckles to actually
sting from the punch.

“
I
’
m just trying to keep you prepared,
Darby.
”
He coiled back from my fist against this shoulder, but I could tell that I wasn
’
t hurting him in the slightest.
“
I had to prepare you for what it
might feel like to have a tick on you. Helping you with your fear of the
unknown and all.
”

“
You suck.
”
I rubbed out the soreness from my
fist, flexing my hand open and closed.

“
I
’
d like to prepare you for a few more
unknowns, too.
”

I
twisted my fist in my palm.
“
And
what would those be?
”

“
This.
”

Torin
took one quick step forward and suddenly we were face to face, his mouth inches
from mine. His lips were slightly parted, and the tingle of air that rushed in
and out through them grazed over my wetted lips. His eyes lingered on mine,
blinking softy with fluttering movements. I could see his chest rising and
falling again, and this time I could feel it as it pressed against mine each
time he drew in a trembling inhale. Snaking his arm around the small of my
back, he hooked me closer to him until he was pressed fully up against me.
Fireworks went off in the pit of my stomach, the igniting spark of some sort of
passion that was nothing short of explosive.

I
almost readied myself for the kiss, slipping my eyelids closed, but Torin didn
’
t lean in any further just then. He
held me there, in this intense space where his lips hovered just over my lips,
this pause of anticipation, like the moment at the starting line before the
gunshot rings into the air.

Every
millimeter that he drew closer was a vast expanse of measurable depth. I
’
d never been so aware of the
proximity of anyone to me ever before. I could sense his breathing, his heart
rate, even the damp moisture held on his full mouth.

“
A man had given all other bliss, and
all his worldly worth for this, to waste his whole heart in one kiss, upon her
perfect lips.
”

The
words tumbled out from him and I swear I could taste them on my tongue, like
some sweet, forbidden fruit.

“
Tennyson,
”
he explained, shaking his head as if
to snap himself out of the trance he was under and had sucked me into. Just as
quickly as he
’
d
drawn toward me, he circled away, his back to me, a shield between us.
“
I can
’
t waste my heart on you, Darby. As
much as I may want to.
”

Knotting
my fingers together, I asked with insecure, frustrated words,
“
Why would it be a waste?
”

“
Because I can
’
t have yours.
”

***

We
stopped for lunch after the impromptu bug inspection and I tried to fill my
stomach but I couldn
’
t;
the ball of guilt was so large it seemed to expand and take up every square
inch of my gut, leaving no room for anything else, not even food.

Torin
was honest with me, even if his honesty was coated in the form of Sir Lancelot
’
s poetic declaration to Lady
Guinevere. I owed him that same honesty. I needed to tell him about our late
night make-out session, even if he didn
’
t
remember it as vividly as I did. I owed him that. He confessed his feelings to
me. Now it was my turn. Spill my guts. Let it all out.

I
readied for the admission, but I couldn
’
t
do it. I went about my morning, pretending nothing happened. I seriously could
have gotten an Oscar for outstanding female performance based on the act I
tried to maintain. Things were different, and even if Torin didn
’
t consciously know the reason why, I
’
m sure he sensed it. He
’
d wanted to kiss me, but wouldn
’
t allow himself to, and I wondered if
he
’
d
felt the familiarity in that hesitant restraint. It was definitely like
déjà
vu for me.

I
’
m sure he also sensed the way my
breathing changed when he got close to me. I
’
m sure he noticed the way my eyes
fastened on his mouth when he talked, not at all interested in the words that
spilled out of them, but focused on their texture, shape, and form. I
’
m sure he saw that I took a few
seconds to respond when spoken to, distracted by the memory of last night on my
lips. Things were different, and all it took was one little mistake. One
omission of truth. One little regret.

“
I have something for you,
”
Torin said as we cleaned up our
lunch. I had my pack hitched over my shoulders, ready for our trek down the
hill toward our cabins. Five more days until the campers arrived. I could
really use the extra people and bodies as a buffer and distraction. One-on-one
with Torin wasn
’
t
proving so good for my sanity, or my hormones.