The Romance Novel Cure (15 page)

“I think we should move in here,” she said, looking around.

“You want to move in with me?” I was joking but I was so damn happy.

“Well,” she said thoughtfully. “I was just thinking. Kind of a fresh start? This could be our room. With new associations. The bedroom has that skylight and it has that northern exposure. Ben, it could be an office and art studio, for us both. This room is smaller, but do we really need a lot of room?”

“Great idea,” I said simply, stroking her fine hair.

“Cool.” Greta nodded and smiled. “So, one more chapter? Will you read it?”

“My pleasure.” I took the Kindle from her and began to read.

On Saturday night, after going out dancing, I was preoccupied. Driving home with Ben, I felt so fragile. I felt as though I had dodged a bullet, or that I had almost stepped into traffic, not seeing the truck heading straight for me. It took just a few moments for me to see how Alma’s face went slack, seeing Ben and me together. I had just happened to look up, after he and I kissed on the dance floor. Her eyes were fixed on us, just for one heartbeat, and then she looked down. I saw it all in that one moment. She had a huge crush on Ben, she had feelings for him. I made myself act as naturally as I could for the rest of the evening, and I did have fun, but deep inside, I knew I was feeling a lot complicated emotions about this.

I was so filled with remorse. I had left Ben on his own, basically, for all that time. All his lonely years in high school and college, when he spent so much time by himself in his room, drawing. He had told me that his father was his best friend, and how much they had done together. Many kids in high school had teased Ben about his acne. He had a small group of really good friends, but he had confided how lonely he had been, until he met me. That pattern continued in college. And all this past year and more, I had shut him out. It would have been a matter of time before we drifted so far apart, that I could imagine Alma and Ben together. My chest felt hot and painful at the images that surfaced. I trusted my instincts: he had no clue how she felt. Ben was oblivious, still seeing himself as the friend, never realizing how attractive he is, never seeing himself in that light. I could see how much he cared about her, though, how worried he looked when she was obviously upset. I knew, just knew, if Ben and I hadn’t been reconnecting, that he and I would have found ourselves so far from one another, that of course, we would have ended up separating, divorcing. My throat hurt and my hands started to shake, thinking about what that would have been like. Sometimes I hate my very active imagination.

I felt so lucky that Ben loved me, that he cared so much about me, and wanted us to be together. We talked quietly on the way home and then got ready for bed. I had been sleeping with him in the guest room every night. I read to him from the chapter when Sera freaks out about how fast things are going with Silas, and then he asks if he can call her baby. I don’t even know why, but I love that part so much. The words just came out of his mouth and I wrote them down, and then later, reading it, I felt Sera’s emotions. That little moment seemed to encapsulate so much: how loyal and tender he was, how conflicted and passionate Sera felt. I loved reading it, glancing up every few sentences, taking peeks at Ben. His eyes were on me the entire time, and I felt such a thrill from his focused attention.

He began to read to me, and I moved a little closer to him, stretching out along him. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest, loving how I could feel the vibration of his voice along with the sound of it. He read about Sera kissing Silas, lowering her body onto his, and his voice got rougher. I pressed a little closer. He read on, stopped, coughed a little.

“I can’t read any more, Greta,” he whispered.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said solemnly.

“Sorry? Why?” He sounded out of breath, confused.

“I didn’t write that scene very well, I see, hearing it read out loud. It’s not clear exactly what’s going on. So, it’s understandable you’d want to stop reading since what’s going on is so vague.”

“What? No,” he started to say.

“Maybe if I thought about it a little more, I could re-write. I’ve already done that with a few parts. But, you know what would really help me?”

“What?”

“If I could kind of
experience
it, so it’s all fresh in my mind, and then write it all down.” I stroked his chest, going lower to his stomach. I reached my hands into his sweatpants, then tugged the waistband down, lower and lower. “I don’t know if that’s something you could help me with? If it wouldn’t be too much of a bother?”

His breath left him in a rush and he closed his eyes tightly for a moment. “Greta.”

I curled against him and quickly pulled off my pajamas, then slid on top of him, kissing his mouth. I was too excited to be scared. This was the first time we’d gone this far, in so long. My body had changed, we’d been through so much. But at that moment? There was nothing but the intense feeling of wanting Ben.

The Kindle next to us flickered and went dark. There was a faint glow from the window, the moon was full, and all was quiet except for very far away, I thought I heard the sound of a dog barking. I moved against him, on him, around him, until I reached up, covered my face with my hands and cried out, shaking. Ben grasped my hips and whispered something, then exhaled, hard, and pulled me against him, kissing me.

We pulled the covers over us, and held one another quietly for a while until I asked him what he had whispered, just then.

He was quiet, stroking my hair from my face. “It’s not important.”

I got this horrible, crazy worry in my mind, so I asked him, my voice wobbling, “Please tell me.”

He must have heard something in my voice, because he raised himself up on his elbow to look down at my face. “I don’t want it to make you sad,” he said softly.

“Just tell me.”

“I said
baby
. I used to call you that, remember? Then when… when you wanted… to become pregnant so much, and well. Of course, I stopped calling you that. I guess when Silas said that, it was in my mind. I didn’t even think it through, the word just came out. I’m sorry.”

Oh. I hadn’t even realized that, put that all together. I felt my heart break a little.

“Ben,” I whispered, “you can call me Baby.”

“No, no, I’m sorry. It just came out, I didn’t mean to say it.” Ben was on his back, crossing an arm over his eyes, his jaw clenching.

I propped myself up on my arm and pulled his arm down so I could see his eyes.

“I mean it, Ben, I
want
you to call me that again. I do. Please, believe me?”

He opened his eyes and looked into mine. “Yeah?” His voice was tender and rough at the same time. He reached out to touch my cheek.

“
Yeah
.”

He started to smile slowly. “Okay, Baby.”

I felt a huge smile take over my face. I bit my lip, ducked my head. He pulled me against him, then rolled on top of me, bracing himself so as to not put all his weight on me.

“All I call you is
hon
or
Ben
. What do you want me to call you?” I couldn’t get enough of looking at him. His face was just inches from mine.

“I love when I hear you say my name. When you call me Ben or Benjamin, it… I don’t know, just the sound of my name coming from your mouth, every time, it… And when you called me
hon
for the first time, I remember that. We’d been dating just a little while and you told me to pull off your socks. You called me hon. I was already hanging on by a thread, and you said that, and I was just — oh, man.”

“Ah, so that’s something I’ll have to remember as a sure fire seduction method, getting you to take my
socks
off! Calling you
hon
!” I was giggling, ridiculously thrilled.

“There was something so, I don’t know, intimate going on, so hot. The way you held your leg up to me, you looked so sweet and sexy. And calling me hon, it felt as though suddenly you turned us into boyfriend and girlfriend. Just like that. I don’t know, maybe that sounds stupid, but it’s just what I remember.”

“I remember it, too.” I placed my hands on his cheek and kissed his lips slowly. “I remember how you pulled off each sock so slowly, and I could feel how fast you were breathing, and I knew how much you must have wanted to hurry. It made me want you so, so much, even more.”

“Then, you were socklessly sexy.” He grinned, kissing me.

“Admit it, if I’m completely naked, wearing socks, it looks
weird
.”

“I will not admit it, ever,” he said simply.

We kissed for a moment, then Ben broke away. “I want you to know.” He was silent.

“What?” I stroked his cheeks.

“That I’m still so sorry.” His eyes lowered.

“Sorry? For what?” I was confused.

“For not helping you more, for not figuring out what you needed. And so, yeah, I’m so sorry, baby. I feel like I let you down, so much. It kills me. I feel like I’ll never let myself off the hook for that.”

“Oh my gosh, no, Ben, you didn’t let me down. At all. Please, I mean it.” I was shocked.

“And I also really want to tell you, that, I don’t know how to put it, but I’m grateful. That you still wanted me. That you want to stay married to me. You’re the one who called Mac, asked me to go into counseling with you. Me, I wasn’t doing anything.”

“You
waited
for me, Ben.” I had a huge lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes. “That means everything to me. That you waited for me, and that we’re here, together, now. I’m sorry I was so distant. And angry all the time, or sad. Or both.”

“I would have waited forever.” He shrugged, as though it were obvious.

“I
love
you.”

“I love you, too.”

* * *

Sera woke up on the couch, alone. A blanket had been tucked around her, and the fire had been fed so that it crackled quietly, warming the small room. She sat up, listening. All was quiet. The only light was from the flickering flames and the moonlight from behind the window curtain. There was a full moon.

She pulled on her clothes, boots, and her coat, and opened the front door. Having the sense that Silas was in the marshlands, she walked along the path, hearing the wind stir the reeds and rushes. She shivered, feeling the damp chill from the earth and the bite of the north in the air. She heard a faint rustle and turned, her heart in her throat.

There, beneath a pine tree, stood an impossibly large fox, gray and black, with red patches. His dark gray eyes sparkled at her knowingly.

“Silas,” she breathed. She walked to him, and he waited beneath the pine. Reaching out, she hesitated. He placed his broad head against her hand, and she began stroking his fur. His eyes squinted in pleasure, and his tail wagged. She began to smile, wonder in her eyes.

“You are so beautiful,” she whispered. “Under the full moon, your fur so shiny.” She couldn’t get enough of looking at him. He stood calmly, regarding her with wise eyes.

“It’s like a fairy tale,” she whispered.

The wind picked up, making the reeds whistle in the distance. Silas’s ears stood up straighter. Sera shivered and stepped closer to him, then suddenly froze. Out of nowhere, she was struck with terror. She was filled with a horrible certainty, a premonition, of danger and imminent loss. She wrapped her arms around herself and rocked forward.

“Oh no, oh, oh no,” she whispered, shaking her head. Silas made a low growl, deep in his chest. Then he shook his fur, the air around him shimmering, and in an instant, he was crouched, in human form, at her feet. He rose, standing, gathering her in his arms.

“Silas, we’re in danger. They… they’re coming. Dark siders.” She started to cry.

He held her tighter, his cheek resting on the top of her head.

“We’ve got to do something!” She pulled away from his embrace so that she could look up into his face. He looked at her so tenderly, sadness deep within his dark eyes.

“You know? You knew?” She was shocked, terrified. “Why didn’t you tell me? We should be… I don’t know! What should we do?”

“First, I should find my pants,” he said solemnly, then grinned a little. “Left them around here somewhere.”

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” she cried, despair in her voice. “I made it worse by bringing you here, somehow, didn’t I?”

“You must never blame yourself for their evil,” he said fiercely. “You risked your life to save me, to dream me here. Never regret that. No matter what happens. The only thing I care about is keeping you safe. This time we’ve had together, here and now? That has meant the world to me. Not just the world, all the worlds.”

She grasped him around the waist tightly, wishing with all her might that she could find a way to keep him with her, to keep them together, banishing the evil dark siders who were, she knew now, gathering forces and powers at this very moment. They were coming. Coming for Silas.

* * *

“Well, now we’ve got to read another chapter,” said Ben.

“We’ll be so tired tomorrow,” I protested.

“We can spend the day in bed,” he said, whispering the words in my ears.

“Sounds good to me,” I said, my toes curling.

* * *

Sera couldn’t sleep. Eventually she sat up in bed, looking down at Silas. He was on his side, his long hair trailing on the pillow, as though he was running in wind. She looked at the lines of his face lit by the moonlight. He was in shadow, but she could see the growth of his beard coming in as the earth turned toward morning. The hairs were black and red, too, just like his fox fur. He turned slightly, onto his stomach, and she gazed at the broad strength of his back. She shook her head slowly.