The Rock Season (20 page)

I stared straight ahead and shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, Mom,” I answered her quietly.

She rubbed a circle on my back and was quiet for a minute. “I spoke to her when she came back,” she finally said. This time I looked at her and she smiled. “She is such a strong woman, Son. She loves you very much.”

I put my head in my hands, wishing her to go on and praying she would stop.

“I know she does,” I answered. “I just want to take care of her and she won’t let me.”

Mom gave me one of her most beautiful smiles and I let her wrap me in her arms.

“This is not something you can take care of, son. I know that is hard for you. All hope is not lost. You will just have to be patient. Can you do that for her?”

I sighed. “What choice do I have?”  

She smiled at me and kissed my cheek. Then she got serious again. “This is terrible timing, son, but I wanted to ask you for a favor.”

I turned to face her and took her hands in mine. “Anything, Mom. You know that.” She smiled and I saw her eyes tear up.

“Aaron, I want to take your father and Grandmother McShane to Ireland for an extended vacation. With his health leveling off, this is the best time. And Grandma has wanted to go see her friends and family. I don’t want to disrupt the twins or we’d all go. Will you be ok to watch them?”

I could see the hope in her eyes and I would never stand in the way of her happiness. “Of course, Mom. This is a wonderful idea. The boys and I will be fine. I’ll stay in the house with them.”

The tears did fall then. I hugged my mother and tried my best to reassure her that we would all be fine. She needed to do this with my father. There was no telling when, or if, they might have another opportunity. She told me she would start making arrangements in earnest and that they would likely leave at the end of October and stay until just before the holidays. It was a long time, but a wonderful idea for them. I was happy for my parents.

The next day was the Rock the Bells festival at Shoreline and I had to report early. I still had an ache in my chest and had to fight the urge to call Stevie. I had texted her that night before I went to sleep and just asked if she was ok. She answered

I will be, Aaron. I promise. I hope to see you soon.

When I got to the venue, I went to Tyson’s office and let him know I wouldn’t be available after September. He completely understood and told me I was more than welcome to come back in the spring. That he’d be in touch. He asked about Stevie and I wasn’t really sure how to answer him.

“She’s great. I guess we’re taking things slow? There are a lot of complications.” I didn’t want to go into detail, and being a guy, I’m sure he didn’t really want to know.

“Well, I hope things work out, man. You two look great together. You looked happy.”

I tried to smile and thanked him before leaving his office.

Stevie

I thought a lot about my conversation with Shireen over the next couple of weeks. I told her everything and she held my hand through the whole thing. My own mother was never as supportive as she had been that day.

“Stevie, you have been through a huge ordeal and you need to grieve for your child as well as your lost relationship. Aaron is a wonderful man and I know how he feels about you. He will wait. But you need to do this for yourself first.”

I knew she was right. It would have been so nice to just slide right into his life. I had to take this time. I was really tense and emotional after seeing Ben and felt terrible for the timing. Aaron and I had a lot of promise and I prayed every day that the Fates hadn’t given up on us. He was so good about giving me space. I almost wished he wasn’t because I missed him desperately. But I had to be strong and do this on my own.

Not being at work was strange. When I would see kids walking with backpacks, obviously on their way to or from school, I felt guilty that I wasn’t teaching. I talked to my therapist about it, and she said it was all part of me adjusting to a new life. I knew I needed something, though, because I was increasingly antsy and edgy. I had to do something with myself before I started to backslide into depression.

I happened to see a notice that they were hiring at the seasonal Halloween store so I thought, what the hell? Halloween was my favorite time of year. I aced my interview, although the manager did think it was pretty weird that I was applying. The job was very physical at first and then super busy toward the end of the month.

Maryland and the girls were doing really well in Alaska. So well in fact, she decided to enroll them in school there. She missed Mike terribly, but was enjoying the time with her mom. I couldn’t blame her. I missed my own parents, even though they had driven me nuts at times. She agreed with my decision to slow things down with Aaron but told me not to let him go.

“If he’s that good to you, Stevie, you hurry up and heal. Don’t let him get away.”

I talked to Aaron on the phone a couple of times after that awful day at his shop. He asked me to come to a show at Shoreline he was working, but I had to work at the store. I wanted to go. I desperately wanted to see him. He said he understood. Mostly we just texted each other at odd moments. One day while at work I received a picture of a rather large-bellied man with his ass crack showing that was captioned, “He’s on your team.” I laughed hysterically and then it was on! We sent daily funny pictures, always trying to one-up each other. He even sent me one of the twins where he’d put makeup on them while they were asleep. That was my wallpaper for a while. Well, on my home screen. My lock screen was set to the picture of the two of us Maryland took at the Killers show. I looked at it frequently.

We started having longer conversations with each other on the phone after about a month. It was nice. It took some of the pressure off. We could just chat about everything and nothing. He was so very good about being patient and I was grateful. The more he shared about his life with me, the more I fell deeper in love.

The third week of October, Aaron called me and asked me to come to dinner. “I know we’re supposed to just be concert buddies, but my parents and grandmother are leaving in a few days for Ireland and they want to see you.”

“Just the three of them?”  

He said yes, that they wanted to spend an extended vacation there while his father was feeling up to the traveling.

“Of course I’ll come! Can I bring something?”  

He told me just to bring myself. He said he was going to try to get home early from the shop, but that I was welcome to come over in the early afternoon. I could barely stand to wait.

The morning of the family dinner, I went for a mani-pedi and spent an hour trying on every stitch of clothing I had. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I’d lost a bit more weight and my summer purchases were a little baggy. Not flattering. I settled on a black knit sundress that came down to my ankles and I pulled my hair up in a messy bun. I’d finally cut it a couple of weeks earlier. I found a donation program called Beautiful Lengths where they make real-hair wigs for cancer survivors. My hair was now just below my shoulders and much healthier and more manageable. I hoped Aaron wasn’t disappointed, but it was necessary.

I was terribly excited to see him and ended up leaving really early, telling myself stupidly that I might hit traffic. I showed up at 2:45! Mr. McShane was sitting on the back porch when I pulled in. He frowned when he heard my engine backfire.

“I know, I know,” I said as I climbed out. He made his way down the steps to me shaking his head.

“We need to get under that hood, love. Let me get my tools.”

I looked down at my dress, flustered. So much for looking nice for Aaron. My rescue came out at that moment.

“Hi Patrick,” I called, praying I was right.

“I’m Peter,” he said and I groaned.

“I’m sorry! I hate getting it wrong.”

He shrugged and asked me what I needed. He went back in the house and came out a couple of minutes later with some sweats and a t-shirt. I slid the too-big sweats on and then pulled the shirt over my head. I was able to slip out of the dress and pull it down over my legs. I hung it over the seat in my car. He watched me the whole time, fascinated. I gave him a sheepish grin and then whispered, “Our secret?”  

He laughed and walked over to my car to see what was going on. Mr. McShane came out with his tools and the three of us got to work on the timing. Peter was sent to the auto parts store a couple of times. We just about had the timing correct when Aaron arrived.

“Is there anything you can’t do,” he said quietly in my ear as I was standing and watching his dad make the final adjustments to the carburetor.

I jumped at his voice and then turned to find him smiling down at me. My heart felt full for the first time since the morning we last woke up together. I wanted to grab hold and never let go. Instead, we stood there grinning at each other like we did at the concerts almost two months ago.

“There are many things I can’t do, like persuade your father that we should start planting winter vegetables.”

Pops laughed and said, “I told her that I would be gone, son. No one will be around to water them.”

Peter stood up from where he was crouched next to his father. “I’ll water them for you, Pops. Just tell me what to do and I’ll take care of it for you.”

Mr. McShane stood up and patted Peter on the back. “That’s a good boy. Ok, Stevie, you talked me into it. How about tomorrow we go down and pick up some plants?”

I smiled brightly at him. “It’s a date!”

He looked at Aaron and gave a wink.

“Peter, go on and get cleaned up and then make sure your brother is helping his grandmothers with dinner.”

Peter nodded and smiled at me before running up the steps.

“I’m going to get cleaned up myself. Son, take Stevie up to your place so she can wash. I’m afraid we got pretty greasy.”

I looked down at myself and felt horrible about the state of Peter’s clothes.

“I hope these weren’t his favorites.”

Aaron shook his head and started to take my hand.

“Better not. I don’t want to get you all messy,” I said.

He snickered. I blushed. His eyes followed the blush. I blushed some more. Our eyes met and I forgot for a moment whatever it was that had kept me away.

Aaron gestured for me to lead the way. I asked him to grab my dress before skipping over to the stairs. Did I hear him growl?

He opened the door for me at the top and I felt like he wanted to touch me. I wanted him to touch me. But God bless him, he was trying so hard to give me space. We stood there doing our Jr. High dance thing for an awkwardly long few minutes.

Finally, he said, “Hi.”

“Hi,” I answered back. My eyes darted over to the bathroom and I cleared my throat. “Is it ok if I shower?”  

He nodded and draped my dress over my shoulder, his gaze anxious. I gave him a smile and made a beeline for the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and took a moment to just breathe. I’d missed him terribly and was so happy to be back here. But I worried I might have ruined our chance to be more than friends.

I took a quick shower, keeping my hair out of the water. I inhaled the scent of Aaron’s body wash, remembering the morning we showered together. Surprisingly, it is possible to be turned on and sad at the same time. I turned off the water, dried off, and quickly dressed. My hair was pretty frizzy so I let it down and tried to tame it.

Aaron had changed clothes and was folding some laundry when I came out. He sucked in a breath and tried to smile. “It’s really good to see you,” he said quietly, his hands on his hips.

I stepped closer to him, still afraid to touch him. “I missed you,” I whispered. I looked up into his eyes and could see he was as conflicted as I was.

“Is it-”

“Are we-”

“Can I-”

We stopped and started a few more times until we both gave up, laughing nervously. He cleared his throat and rubbed his head. “I just wanted to ask if it was ok if I-”

“Yes, please!”  

He smiled and closed the space between us. His hands came up to cradle my jaw and he pressed his forehead against mine.

“I’ve missed you so much, Stevie. I kicked myself so many times for what happened and wondered how it was possible to miss you so much when we’d only just begun.”

I slid my hands around his waist and stepped into his embrace. He held me against him tightly and we stood like that for a long time.

“Can you forgive me for leaving, Aaron? I didn’t want to, but I was a mess. I needed to-”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Stevie. How have you been?”  

I shrugged. “Better, I think. A little more sure of myself every day. I made a lot of progress in therapy. I’m on a need-to-check-in status with her now. Working helps. I started writing a new novel, too. I guess I’m kind of processing my feelings through that.”

I looked up at him, still amazed at how much he affected me. I loved him so much I could feel it in my bones, my insides, my muscles… The time apart only made that stronger.

Aaron

For the first time since she left, I felt like I could breathe normally. I felt complete again, as corny as that sounds. She looked up at me with those soulful eyes and I just wanted to stop time so I could memorize every fleck of color there. Then she smiled and I got lost admiring the curve of her lips, the whiteness of her teeth. She spoke, but I only heard the sweetness of her voice, a sound that had haunted my dreams for weeks. I had been so afraid I’d never hold her again.

“Aaron,” she asked with a giggle and I realized I’d been so wrapped up in admiring her that I’d totally missed what she said.

“I’m sorry, love. I’m just a little overwhelmed right now. Can you repeat that?”

She giggled and said, “I was just asking you if we’re ok. Are we ok, Aaron? Can we, I don’t know, not really start over, but can we…”

“I am so damn glad you said that. Yes, love. Whatever you are comfortable with. I promise I won’t push you. Just, please, Stevie? Please don’t walk away like that again. I’ll go to the ends of the earth to make things work with you. Even if that means staying put and letting you do what you need to do. Just please don’t walk away.”

Her smile fell a little and she nodded. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want what was happening between us to be tarnished by my past. Seeing Ben was a wakeup call that I still had some crying and mending to do. I’m better. I can’t say that if something happens again, I won’t freak out. But I won’t walk away from you.”

I pulled her in tight and buried my face in her hair, something I’d wanted to do desperately since I first saw her this afternoon. “Your hair looks amazing.” I must have sighed a little louder than I thought because she started giggling. “Why are you laughing, love?”  

She pulled back and grinned. “Because I’m happy? Because it sounds like you are happy?” Those words were music to my ears.

“I am happy. But I have to warn you, life is about to get even more interesting around here. I’m going to be staying in the big house to keep a closer eye on the twins. Aziz is going to New York to meet his fiancé and he’s taking Grandma Samadi with him to make arrangements. So it’s just me. I won’t be able to get out-”

“Aaron I-”

“No, I just don’t want you to think-”

“AARON ALI SALAAM MCSHANE! Will you let me get a word in!?”

Holy shit. She pulled out the full name! My eyebrows rose up and she stomped her foot.

“Aaron, I will come to you, ok? And I would be happy to help with the twins when I’m not working. My job will be over in two weeks and-”

I laid one on her. I couldn’t help it. It was a combination of I needed to kiss her desperately and I didn’t want her to make me any promises she wouldn’t be able to keep. Once I started, I couldn’t hold back. My hands were fisted in her dress, then they were in her hair, then they were gripping her hips and pulling her closer to me. I must have shocked her at first, but she was soon clawing at my back and shoulders, soft moans coming from her throat. God, she was so very delectable. A knock at the door made us come up for air.

“Hey, Asshole! You coming to dinner or what?” Patrick was banging on the door as he yelled.

And I was going to have them all to myself for the next two months. I groaned.

“Be right there,” I hollered and Stevie stepped back from me, straightening her dress. She smiled shyly at me. “You ready for this,” I asked her, holding out a hand.

She nodded and smiled, taking my hand. We walked slowly to the big house, watching each other the whole way. Once inside the kitchen, Stevie made the rounds, hugging and kissing all of the members of the family. We’d added another leaf to the table to make enough room for the ten of us. Peter had invited his girlfriend, Gretchen, to join us, too. They’d been together since January or February and he was in a bad way over her. Patrick usually gave him shit about it, but tonight he was much more subdued. Aziz sat to my left, Stevie to my right with Gretchen next to her. Everyone was talking animatedly and I just sat back and absorbed it all. My thoughts took over. I loved my family immensely and yet it felt so much more right with Stevie by my side. I started thinking ahead to family dinners with Stevie and I married, maybe some kids. The twins each with a girlfriend and in college. Aziz and his wife and maybe a kid or two…