The Robber Bride (67 page)

No, Roz is agreed – reading Boyce’s tidy notes in the margins of the proposal, he has real talent, that boy – that they should opt for time travel, some history, the big H, via the river names tie-in. Women always find it easier to visualize themselves as having a
romantic fling of it in some other age, an age before flush toilets and Jacuzzis and electric coffee grinders, an age in which a bunch of tubercular, prematurely wrinkled servants would have had to wash the men’s undershorts, if any, by hand, and empty the slop pots and heat up the water in big cauldrons, in filthy rat-infested kitchens, and trample the coffee beans underfoot like grapes. Give Roz appliances any day. Appliances with warranties, and dependable household help that comes in twice a week.

As for the ads, she wants a lot of lace in them. Lace, and a wind machine, to blow the hair around for that burning-of-Charleston dramatic-crisis look. It will help to shoot the models on an angle, with the camera slanted up. Statuesque, monumental, as long as you can’t see up their nostrils, which is the problem Roz has always had with bronze heroes on horseback. She’s thought of another river name too, another colour:
Athabasca
. A sort of bronzed pink. Frostbite crossed with exposure. How you get in the North without sunblock.

The phone rings and Roz practically falls on it. “Harriet,” says Harriet. “It’s the Arnold Garden for sure, Room 1409. I went there myself and pretended to be a chambermaid with towels. No doubt about it.”

“Great,” says Roz, and jots down the room number.

“There’s one other thing you ought to know,” says Harriet. “Before you rush in.”

“What, where angels fear to tread?” says Roz impatiently. “What is it?”

“She appears to be having an affair, or something, with … well, with a much younger man. He’s been with her in her room almost every day, according to our source.”

Why is Harriet sounding so coy? thinks Roz. “That wouldn’t surprise me,” she says. “Zenia would rob anything, cradles included. As long as he’s rich.”

“He is,” says Harriet. “So to speak. Or he will be.” There’s a hesitation.

“Why are you telling me this?” says Roz. “I don’t care who she’s screwing!”

“You asked me to find out everything,” says Harriet reproachfully. “I don’t know quite how to put it. The young man in question appears to be your son.”

“What?” says Roz.

After hanging up, she grabs her purse and hits the elevator and then the sidewalk at a fast trot, the nearest she can get to a run, what with her wicked shoes. She makes it to the nearest Becker’s and buys three packs of du Mauriers and tears one open with trembling fingers, and lights up so fast she practically sets fire to her hair. She’ll kill Zenia, she’ll kill her! The effrontery, the brass, the consummate
bad taste
, to go after small helpless Larry, Larry son of Mitch, after doing away with his father! Well, as good as doing away.
Pick on somebody your own size!
And Larry, a sitting duck, poor baby; so lonely, so scrambled. Probably he remembers Zenia from when he was fifteen; probably he had a jerk-off crush on her, back then. Probably he thinks she’s glamorous, and warm and understanding. Zenia has a good line in the glamour and understanding department. Plus, she’ll tell him a few hard-luck stories of her own and he’ll think they’re both orphans of the storm together. Roz can’t stand it!

Smoke percolates through her, and after a while she feels a little calmer. She walks back to the office, her head sizzling slowly. What exactly, what
the fuck
, is she supposed to do now?

She knocks on Boyce’s door. “Boyce? Mind if I pick your brain for a minute?” she says.

Boyce stands up courteously and offers her a chair. “Ask, and it shall be given you,” he says. “God.”

“Don’t I know it,” says Roz, “but I haven’t been getting such great results from God lately, in the answer department.” She sits down, crosses her legs, and takes the cup of coffee Boyce provides. The part in his hair is so straight it’s almost painful, as if done with a knife. His tie has tiny ducks on it. “Let me put a theoretical case to you,” she says.

“I’m all ears,” says Boyce. “Is this about Oral Glues?”

“No,” says Roz. “It’s a story. Once upon a time there was a woman who was married to a guy who used to fool around.”

“Anyone I know?” says Boyce. “The guy, I mean.”

“With other women,” says Roz firmly. “Well, this woman put up with it for the sake of the kids, and anyway these things never lasted long because the other women were just wind-up sex toys, or that’s what the man kept saying. According to him our heroine was the real thing, the apple of his eyes, the fire in his fireplace, and so on. Then one day, along comes this bimbo – excuse me,
this person
about the same age as the woman in question, only, I have to admit it, quite a lot better-looking, though between you and me and the doorpost her tits were fake.”

“She walks in beauty, like the blight,” says Boyce with sympathy. “Byron.”

“Exactly,” says Roz. “She was smart, as well, but if she was a guy you’d have to call her a prick. I mean, there is no female name for it, because
bitch
doesn’t even begin to cover it! She tells some story about being a half-Jewish war orphan rescued from the Nazis, and our heroine, who is all heart, falls for it and gets her a job; and Ms. Dirigible-chest pretends to be our pal’s grateful buddy, and gives the husband the cold shoulder, implying by her body language that she finds him less attractive than a lawn dwarf, which turned out to be the ultimate truth, in the end.

“Meanwhile our two girl chums have a lot of cosy networking lunches together, discussing world affairs and the state of the business.
Then the lady starts having it off with Mr. Susceptible, behind Ms. Numskull’s back. For Ms. Lollapalooza it’s just a
thing –
worse, a tactic – but for him it’s the real item, the grand passion at last. I don’t know how she did it, but she did. Considering it was him, and thousands before her had failed, she was nothing short of brilliant.”

“Genius is an infinite capacity for causing pain,” says Boyce sombrely.

“Right,” says Roz. “So she cons everyone into putting her in charge of the business in question, which is a medium-hefty enterprise, and before you know it she’s moved in with Mr. Sticky Fingers, and they’re living together in the Designer Love-nest of the Year, leaving the wee missus to gnaw her stricken little heart out, which she does. But passion wanes, on Vampira’s part, not his, when he finds out she’s been having nooners with some stud on a motorcycle and fusses up about it. So she forges a few cheques – using his signature, copied no doubt from countless drool-covered mash notes – and disappears with the cash. Does that cool his ardour? Do chickens have tits? He goes raving off after her as if his pants were plugged into the light socket.”

“I know the plot,” says Boyce. “Happens in all walks of life.”

“Ms. Lightfingers disappears,” says Roz, “but next thing you know, she turns up in a metal soup can. Seems she’s met with a nasty accident, and now she’s cat food. She gets planted in the cemetery, not that I – not that my friend shed any tears – and Mr. Sorrowful comes creeping back to wee wifey, who stands on her hind legs and refuses to take him in. Well, can you blame her? I mean, enough is enough. So, instead of getting his head shrunk, which was long overdue, or picking up some new little sex gadget, as he has done many times before, what does he do? He’s dying of love, not for Mrs. Domestic but for Ms. Fiery Loins. So he goes out on his boat in a hurricane and gets himself drowned. Maybe he even jumped. Who knows?”

“A waste,” says Boyce. “Bodies are so much nicer alive.”

“There’s more,” says Roz. “It turns out this woman wasn’t dead after all. She was just fooling. She turns up again, and this time she gets her hooks into the only son – the one and only well-beloved son – I mean, can you imagine? She must be fifty! She gets her hooks into the son of the woman she ripped off and the man she as good as killed!”

“This is turgid,” Boyce murmurs.

“Listen, I didn’t write the plot,” says Roz. “I’m just telling you, and a literary criticism I don’t need. What I want to know is – what would you do?”

“You’re asking
me?”
Boyce says. “What would
I
do? First, I’d make sure she was really a woman. It could be a man in a dress.”

“Boyce, this is serious,” says Roz.

“I am serious,” says Boyce. “But what you really mean is, what should
you
do. Right?”

“In a word,” says Roz.

“Obsession is the better part of valour,” says Boyce. “Shakespeare.”

“Meaning?”

“You’ll have to go and see her,” Boyce sighs. “Have it out. Oh Roz, thou art sick. Have a scene. Shout and yell. Tell her what you think of her. Clear the air; believe me, it’s necessary. Otherwise, the invisible worm that flies in the storm will find out thy bed of crimson joy, and its dark secret love will thy life destroy. Blake.”

“I guess so,” says Roz. “I just don’t trust myself, is all. Boyce, what is a tenterhook?”

“A wooden frame covered with hooks, on which cloth was stretched for drying,” says Boyce.

“Not a lot of help,” says Roz.

“Though true,” says Boyce.

Roz sets out for the Arnold Garden Hotel. She takes a taxi because she’s too keyed up to drive. She doesn’t even need to ask at the desk,
which is clogged with what look to her like travelling salesmen; she just quick-steps through the deplorable lobby, with its tawdry retro leather sofas and
Canadian Woman
spray-paint-it-yourself tacky flower arrangement
circa
1984, and the view of the tatty little patio and City Hall Modern cement fountain visible through the glass doors, this is to
garden
as prepackaged microwave meals are
to food
, and straight into the plastic-leather-padded elevator.

All the time she’s rehearsing:
Wasn’t one enough? You gonna kill my son, too? Get your claws off my child!
She feels like a tigress, defending her young. Or this is what tigresses are rumoured to do.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff
, she roars inwardly,
and I’ll blow your house down!

Except that Zenia was never much of a one for houses. Only for breaking into them.

At the back of her mind is another scenario: what happens when Larry finds out what she’s done? He is, after all, twenty-two. That’s well over the age of consent. If he wants to screw cheerleaders or St. Bernard dogs or aging vamps like Zenia, what business is it, really, of hers? She pictures his glance of patient, exasperated contempt, and flinches.

Knock, knock, knock
, she goes on Zenia’s door. Just making a noise recoups her strength.
Open up, you pig, you sow, and let me in!

And clickety-clack, here comes somebody. The door opens a crack. It’s on the chain. “Who is it?” says the smoky voice of Zenia.

“It’s me,” says Roz. “It’s Roz. You might as well let me in, because if you don’t I’m just going to stand here and scream.”

Zenia opens the door. She’s dressed to go out, in the same low-cut black dress that Roz remembers from the Toxique. Her face is made up, her hair is loose, waving and coiling and uncoiling itself in restless tendrils around her head. There’s a suitcase open on the bed.

“A suitcase?” says Tony. “I didn’t see any suitcases.”

“Me neither,” says Charis. “Was the room tidy?”

“Fairly tidy,” says Roz. “But this was later in the afternoon. After you were there. Most likely the maid had come.”

“What was in the suitcase?” says Tony. “Was she packing? Maybe she’s planning to leave.”

“It was empty,” says Roz. “I looked.”

“Roz!” says Zenia. “What a surprise! Come on in – you’re looking terrific!”

Roz knows she is not looking terrific: anyway,
looking terrific
is what people say about women her age who are not actually dead. Zenia, on the other hand, really is looking terrific. Doesn’t she ever age? thinks Roz bitterly. What kind of blood does she drink?
Just one wrinkle, just a little one, God; would it be so hard? Tell me again – why do the wicked prosper?

Roz does not beat about the bush. “What do you think you’re up to, having a thing with Larry?” she says. “Don’t you have any, any
scruples
at all?”

Zenia looks at her. “A
thing?
What a delicious idea! Did he tell you that?”

“He’s been seen, going into your hotel room. More than once,” says Roz.

Zenia smiles gently. “Seen? Don’t tell me you’ve got that Hungarian following me around again. Roz, why don’t you sit down? Have a drink or something. I never had anything against you personally.” She herself sits demurely down on the flowered sofa, as if there’s nothing at all going on; as if they’re two respectable matrons about to have afternoon tea. “Believe me, Roz. My feelings for Larry are only maternal.”

“What do you mean, maternal?” says Roz. She feels stupid standing up, so she sits in the matching chair. Zenia is hunting for her cigarettes. She finds the pack, shakes it: empty. “Have one of mine,” says Roz reluctantly.

“Thanks,” says Zenia. “I ran into him by accident, in the Toxique. He remembered me – well, he would, he was – what? fifteen? He wanted to talk to me about his father. So touching! You really haven’t been very forthcoming on that subject with him, have you, Roz? A boy needs to know something about his father; something good. Don’t you think?”

“So, what exactly have you been telling him?” says Roz suspiciously.

“Nothing but the best,” says Zenia. She lowers her eyes modestly. “I think it’s sometimes in everyone’s best interests to bend the truth a little, don’t you? It doesn’t cost me anything, and poor Larry does seem to want a father he can look up to.”

Roz can hardly believe what she’s hearing. In fact she doesn’t believe it. There must be more, and there is. “Of course, if this situation goes on much longer it might become more complicated,” says Zenia. “I might forget, and tell a little too much of the truth. About what a twisted jerk poor Larry’s father really was.”