The River Leith (8 page)

“But did I
really
love Naomi?”

“I assume you must have. Why else would you have told her you did?”

“There are different kinds of love, though. I love you, for example.”

“True.”

Leith cleared his throat, prompting Arthur.

“Fine, fine. You’re okay, I guess. For a little brother who does dumb shit like get thrown in prison, and then scares the shit out of me by getting his brains scrambled in a boxing match.”

“Um, thanks.” It wasn’t really what he’d wanted Arthur to say. He’d wanted him to go back to speculating about Leith’s feelings for Naomi and what kind of love he might have had for her.

“You’re welcome.” Arthur paused, rolled his eyes, and then sighed. “You know I love you.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re my family, and I love you just the way you are, brain scrambled former-felon and all.”

“I know. You don’t suck either.”

Arthur ate in silence as Leith turned over another question, trying to decide if he should ask. His stomach knotted, and he forced a breath. “What about Zach?” he blurted. The segue was terrible but Leith had never been subtle.

Arthur flicked his gaze up warily. “What about him?”

“Did I love him?” His heart pounded.

Arthur blinked. “I’m sorry?”

Leith chickened out. “Friends love each other, right? A different kind of love.”

Arthur swallowed, his eyes darting to the side. “Yes. Of course.” He smiled and met Leith’s gaze. “You were very close. Why? I thought you couldn’t remember Zach?”

“I can’t. I don’t. I just…he seems like a really great guy.” He’d said the same thing to Marian and Ava. He didn’t know how else to describe the source of the confusing tangle of feelings inside. “What’s he like?”

“He’s a good partner in Blue Flight. Dependable. Smart. If you want to know more about Zach, you should ask Zach,” Arthur said, reasonably. “He wouldn’t mind.”

Leith bit into his sandwich and chewed, trying to think of how he could ask the right question. Did Arthur know? Had Leith shared his feelings with his older brother? Arthur had never been homophobic, but it was different when it was your family, wasn’t it?

“Did you know that if it hadn’t been for that asshole who put you in this place, you’d have been the New York amateur boxing champion?”

“You told me. That’s…insane. I wish I could remember.”

“It
was
kind of crazy. But you worked for it. No one deserved it more than you.”

Leith knew that Arthur had changed the subject on purpose, and he let him. He wasn’t sure he was ready to share his discovery that he’d been in love with Zach before the accident. As much as he wanted to know if Zach had been aware of his feelings
—
or even more terrifying, if the vast amount of affection he sensed had been returned at all, another part of him felt nauseous and shaky.

Especially when he didn’t understand why his former self had felt these things for Zach. He might not remember whether or not he’d loved Naomi, but he remembered his first love in high school, and she had been decidedly female. The idea that he might be gay or bi was so unexpected that he couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud. Not yet.

So if Arthur wanted to talk about boxing, Leith would let him.

When Arthur finally left, Leith lay back in his bed and tried to decide if he’d made the right choice to not ask more about Zach.
Maybe I should just ask Zach myself.

After several minutes of agonizing, he grabbed the phone and tapped out a text to Zach.

Can I see you tomorrow?

Leith’s foot jiggled as he waited, staring at the screen and willing a response.

I’m not sure. The schedule at the bar fell apart unexpectedly.

Leith stared at the words and pondered the cold disappointment that seeped into him. He wanted to see Zach so badly that even waiting until tomorrow had seemed too long. Now he might not even get that. He thumbed a request into his phone and hesitated, wondering if it sounded as weird as he thought it probably did. Finally, he pressed send.

Send me a picture of you right now?

It took more than a minute for Zach to respond.

Why?

It was a good question. Leith stared at the screen for a long moment before replying.

I miss you.

His pulse pounded, and his hands shook. When his phone vibrated and the picture popped up, Leith examined it closely. He quickly replied.

You look tired. Are you okay?

He waited for a response, and as the seconds ticked by he second guessed himself. Had he offended Zach by saying he looked tired? He didn’t mean to insult him. He was just concerned by the dark circles under Zach’s eyes. Maybe
—

His phone vibrated.

Is this better?

Leith bit down on his lip grinning as the second picture popped up. Zach was so damn handsome. He’d taken the picture himself with his phone, and his eyes looked greenish-blue above the light brown sweater he was wearing and his expression was playful
—
narrowed eyes that showed off his long, black lashes, and a twisted smirk to his lips, like he was making fun of Leith for the photo request.

He wanted to ask for another one, but he didn’t think he could. He ran his finger over Zach’s close-shaven cheek in the picture and he wondered what it would feel like against his lips. Another message appeared.

Where’s mine?

Leith blinked at the words.

You want a picture of me?

The three little dots appeared, and he held his breath.

Fair’s fair.

A thrill shot down Leith’s spine. Was this flirting? This wasn’t like conversations he usually had with other guys. Shouldn’t Zach be asking him about the Yankees vs. the Red Sox or something? Shouldn’t they call each other “dude” or “bro” and text each other insults?

He fiddled with the phone until he figured out how to take a picture of himself. He tried out several different expressions, not sure exactly what would be best. First a smile, but that seemed too fake. Second a smirk like Zach, but that seemed like he might be making fun. Finally he settled for one with his eyes crossed and his tongue out. He included a comment with the picture:
I’m bored
.

Clearly. You’re terrible at making your own fun.

Another picture came through, and this time it was Zach with a napkin on his head and two straws twisted together and held over his lip like a mustache. Leith laughed, happiness crashing over him in a tingly wave as he replied.

You win. I can’t beat that.

Leith held the phone, waiting. When a reply didn’t materialize within a few minutes he studied the photos, wondering what Zach did for fun, and what sorts of things Zach liked. Did Zach like Mexican food? Or Thai? Or Italian? Or how about bratwurst? Leith had surely known, and now he had no idea.

Gazing at Zach’s goofy picture, he desperately wanted to know the answers again. Did he listen to classical music or heavy metal? No, looking at Zach’s picture, Leith felt sure he liked pop music, and he guessed the more diva the performer the better. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to imagine Zach dancing and singing to some old school Madonna, maybe “Like a Prayer.”

The lyrics of the song came unbidden to mind, and the image of Zach on his knees made him feel hot and cold all at once. He jumped as his phone came to life.

Sorry. Busy here. More later.

Leith was disappointed all over again, but he settled back against his pillow and let himself drift. He moved away from the overwhelming image of Zach on his knees
—
his long fingers on the button of Leith’s jeans, and his hot green eyes with the hint of blue staring up
—
to the more mundane, easier-to-breathe-through image of Zach simply walking into his room. This…this Leith could deal with. He could imagine it perfectly.

Zach would take off his coat and drape it over the chair like always. But what would he say? First he’d
smile
. Leith knew that for sure. He decided it would be the genuine smile, the one Leith liked best, and not the tentative, anxious one that Zach wore too often.

Maybe Zach would come over to the bed and bend close to him. Perhaps he’d put his hand in Leith’s hair, and whisper, “I’m so glad to see you.”

Leith shifted, his body humming with longing and strange satisfaction. Yes, this was right. These thoughts felt good. Natural. He imagined Zach bending even lower, brushing his lips against Leith’s forehead
—
no! His mouth. He would kiss Leith on the mouth, and his lips would be
—

Leith groaned.
How
would they be? Discovering that he had
feelings
for Zach, inexplicable and urgent feelings, was incredibly exciting. But it was confusing too. He’d felt strong, exciting things for men sometimes when he was younger--Sweets Swinson being the most compelling of them all--but he’d always dismissed it as hero-worship. The idea that he might be gay should bother him. He’d never been one to deal with change well, and this was a huge change. But for some inexplicable reason he didn’t have any desire to deny it. Why? Maybe he had accepted it before the accident?

He wondered who he could ask.

Had he kept these feelings secret? He must have. Who would he have told? He supposed Zach would have been the best candidate, but since he’d been in love with him surely he wouldn’t have risked their friendship with that kind of admission?

He was desperate to hear from Zach again already. He thumbed in a reply, probably too intense and too soon, and sent it before he could stop himself.

I really miss you.

There was no reply, and he hadn’t really been expecting one. After all, Zach had a bar to run and it was Friday night. But he still held the phone against his chest until he fell asleep. When he woke the next morning with the phone pressed into his side, he smiled blearily at the message time stamped well after midnight but waiting patiently for him.

I really miss you too.