The Rising: Antichrist Is Born (30 page)

When had Ray come to this conclusion? And was it real? Or was he only rebounding, as Irene had said? No, it was real. In fact, he told himself, he had not really known what love was before. He had never felt toward a woman what he felt for Irene now.

What but love could make him see her in his mind’s eye as prettier even than Kitty? No one else would likely share that view, but he didn’t care. He longed to hold her and kiss her and proclaim his love. The thought that he might even be obligated to give Kitty a farewell kiss repulsed him.

How could he have gotten himself into this mess? Had he ever truly believed he was going to spend the rest of his life with someone as shallow as Kitty Wyley? This was as much her fault though, wasn’t it? What had she seen in him in the first place? He could tell from the lean and hungry looks of the frat boys who hung around her sorority house that they were all wondering the same thing: how had this flyboy from Podunk even landed a date with a prize like her? She would land on her feet. He would tell her that.

Ray would have to leave all that out of the confrontation, whatever form it took. There could be none of the cowardly blame-me-not-you, no pretending this was about Irene. Her name couldn’t even come up. He had been a fool. Dishonest. Shallow. He had loved all the wrong things about Kitty, and she deserved better.

Some of it he had to lay on Kitty, to be wholly honest. She had jumped the gun, ordering a wedding dress, begging for a ring before he had even proposed. The question was, how much could he emphasize that their values didn’t even align? Whose fault was that? If he had a problem with her emphasis on the material, he should have raised it a long time ago. As he had told Irene, Kitty had not hidden where her values lay.

Anyway, Ray wasn’t much better. Though his affections had shifted to Irene and he loved her character, he was still consumed with becoming somebody, having things, giving her (all right, giving himself, because Irene didn’t seem to care as much) a nice house in a great neighborhood, a trophy car, and an income to afford it all. He was determined to be transparent witli Irene, however, if she was serious about considering him. No more games. No more pretending. He would be more of a man of character, but he wanted what he wanted and she might as well know that up front.

Ray finally collapsed and dozed for a couple of hours at dawn. He was awakened by his phone. “What think ye of me now?” Kitty purred.

“I think we need to talk.”

“What?”

“You heard me, Kitty.”

“Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts.”

“I wouldn’t call them second thoughts. But we do need to talk,”

“Don’t do this, Ray. We’re engaged.”

“What makes us engaged? I never even proposed.”

“You bought me a ring!”

“You bought you a ring. Listen, Kitty, let’s not do this by phone. I’ll come get you.”

The line went dead.

By the time he had walked all the way to Kitty Wyley’s sorority house, wishing the whole way he could somehow justify having someone with him—Irene, of course—he had at least talked himself into being strong. It wouldn’t be easy. He had to own the blame for almost all of this mess, but he could not give in, would not back down. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he left Kitty with anything less than a complete severance of the relationship. Otherwise, Irene would never allow

him in her future. Ray had to keep all that in the forefront of his mind, no matter how Kitty responded.

She might bargain, beg, plead. The easiest course would be to let her promise to change and give her that chance. But that wasn’t fair. Why should she change? Her values were conventional and acceptable to most. Why should he be the arbiter of

her life?

Ray entered the sorority house, and it was clear the word had already spread. More girls than usual were up and around,

and all were giving him the cold shoulder and the evil eye. He could read their thoughts. How dare you show your face? How could you have done this? You’d better come to your senses.

“I’ll tell her you’re here,” one said. “Wait in there.” She pointed to a TV room, where he and Kitty had spent a lot of time. He couldn’t help casing the place, looking for an easy exit. This was worse than waiting for a punishment from his father.

But he could not match her look. In a floor-length robe, hair piled atop her head, no makeup, Kitty shut the door against the eyes of several girls just happening by. Ray had to admit she looked good in spite of it all. Of course, she had looked better. But this was what he could have awakened to for the rest of his life: someone who didn’t need an hour before the mirror to

look presentable and yet would likely be prepared to invest the time.

“Hey,” he said.

Kitty nodded and sat across from him, her face streaked with tears, nose red, hands balled into fists with a raggedy tissue showing. She was not wearing the diamond.

“Ready for what? This? I’m not going another minute without you telling me what’s going on.”

“Not ready to get married.”

“We’re not getting married, Ray. Not today. Not this month. Not next month. You’ve got a long time to prepare yourself for the wedding.”

“There’s not going to be a wedding.”

“Oh,” she whined, “don’t do this! Why? What changed your mind?”

“I never had a chance to make up my mind in the first place, Kitty. You jumped the gun. You made assumptions. You

pushed me way past my comfort level.”

“You didn’t want to get married? Where did you think this relationship was going? You think I was sleeping with you for fun? Why did we talk about where we’d like to live, what kind of cars we wanted, how many kids we wanted? You can’t tell me you were thinking of a future without me in it.”

“Granted. But you got way ahead of me.”

“Fine, my bad. I’ll reel it back in. I’ll return the ring and we can slow down. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just

thought we were on the same page.”

“We’re not.”

“But we can be, right? You just want to concentrate on your studies and your flying. We don’t have to get serious about the wedding until the end of the school year.”

  “No, Kitty. I’m done.”

“Done with what? With me?”

“Done with us. I’m telling you I’m not ready, and I don’t think I’m—no, let me be clear. I owe you that.”

“You sure do.”

“I am not ever going to be ready. I don’t want to marry you.”

Her face twisted into a grimace, and she had to fight to be understood through her tears. “Why? What have I done that was so awful? I got ahead of you? Forgive me for loving you that much! I’m sorry I didn’t notice you weren’t on board. I can learn from this, Ray. Don’t dump me.”

“I just did.”

“Ray!”

“I don’t mean to sound so cruel, Kitty, but I’ve been pretending far too long, and I’ve been wrong.”

“Pretending to love me?”

“Yes. I mean, I thought I loved you; I really did. But I don’t. I don’t see us together in the future, and you need to know that.

I know it’s my fault. If I hadn’t been sending the wrong signals, we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

  “Ray, I’m begging you. Just step back a little. Give it some time. Think it through. We’re perfect for each other. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.”

“Kitty, stop. You must stop. I’m so sorry; I really am. But it’s over. I don’t mean to be harsh, but you have to hear me. The easiest thing in the world would be to keep trying, but that would just prolong the inevitable.”

“You hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you at all. I’ll miss you. I will. But I can’t pretend anymore.”

“Is this the let’s-be-friends pitch now? Because I can’t—”

“Neither can I, Kitty. We’ve been way too close for that to ever work. This has to be it, and we have to become a memory

of something that almost worked.”

She buried her face in her hands. “I just don’t understand,” she said, shoulders heaving. Ray wanted to put an arm around her, to hold her. But he must not. “What will I tell people?” she said. “Dumped the day after I showed off my ring?”

“Tell them I was a scoundrel, not what you thought I was. I didn’t want to say this, but you can do better. Guys will be lined up around the block.”

“Well, I may not be here,” Kitty said, wiping her nose. She pulled the ring from her pocket and handed it to him. “There’s nothing I can do?”

He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“I wish I could say I hate you.”

“I wish you could too. I take all the blame, Kitty.”

  “That makes no sense. Something made you fall out of love with me.”

“It’s-not-you-it’s-me is such a cliche, but—”

“Yeah, it is,” she said. “So please, Ray, spare me that.”

  He nodded. “We don’t have to be friends, but let’s not be mean, okay?”

“Why would I be mean?”

“Because you’re angry, and you have a right to be. I’d understand. But I won’t be bad-mouthing you. And we will likely run into each other. I’d like to think we could be cordial.”

She forced a smile. “I can’t promise I won’t be bad-mouthing you, Ray. But, yes, if we ever see each other again, you can expect me to be cordial.”

He was featured in Time magazine, where it was noted that he wore stylish suits and tied his own neckties. He was also

asked about his plans.

“I want to serve mankind,” he said. “I will support myself in some kind of business, because I am entrepreneurial by nature, but I expect I will wind up in some sort of public service.”

“Entrepreneurial,” the reporter said. “Where does a young man learn a word like that?”

“The same place an old man like you does,” Nick said without a smile. “By reading with a dictionary handy.”

The story made him a hit in Cluj-Napoca and at his school, but when Viv Ivins tried to make a big deal of it, he sniffed. “It means nothing if it is not the cover story.”

Irene was true to her word. She made Ray Steele wait exactly two months before she agreed even to go out with him. In the meantime, Kitty Wyley had become the talk of the campus, at least in sorority and frat circles. She quit showing up to class, and within a week she had left the university and moved back home.

Ray reluctantly accepted calls from both her dad and her mother, as well as her stepdad, having to rehearse for each the incidents that led to his decision. “I accept the blame,” he said. “I handled it all wrong. She’s a wonderful girl, and I wish her only the best.”

Her father was the only one who seemed to understand. But then he was the one who had had an affair and left Kitty’s mother, probably inflicting upon himself many of the same travails Ray faced. Both her mother and her stepdad tried to shame Ray and tell him what a scoundrel he was.

Though not officially dating yet, Rayford and Irene spent time together as they had before, only more now because he didn’t have the other “obligation,” which was how they came to refer to Kitty. To her credit, Irene did not allow Rayford to bad-mouth his former girlfriend.

“She never hid who she was,” Irene would remind him. “You knew what you were getting into, and you contributed as much to that mismatch as she did.”

The truth was, Irene drove Rayford crazy with the waiting. The most she allowed were occasional embraces, a peck on the cheek. She wouldn’t even hold his hand.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her, and his attention seemed to have a positive impact on her. She appeared to have an extra spring in her step, and she always looked her best. The closer the time came to their first real date, the more anxious Rayford became. He wanted it to be perfect, but she kept reminding him that just being with him was all she cared about.

That first date went off without a hitch, and they were soon deeply in love, but Irene made it clear she didn’t plan to sleep

with him until they were married— and they weren’t planning that until the end of his senior year. He accepted this at first, but the more time they spent together and the more amorous he felt, the more he became convinced he could wear her down, weaken her defenses, make her succumb to her own love and desires.

When she didn’t, he grew sullen. Finally she told him, “If this is going to become an issue, I’m going to quit looking forward

to being with you.”

“Because I want to love you?”

“There are all kinds of ways to show your love for me, Rayford. Including waiting. We’re going to talk about this, because

it’s important to me. And what I care about, you need to care about, or this will never work.”

“Since when did you become a virgin, Irene? I mean, in this day and age? You’re not telling me…”

“I didn’t say I was a virgin. But I can’t say I was ever really in love before either. I just want us to wait. And if you love me—”

“Got it,” he said. At times he still tried to push her, but he soon realized she was resolute.

When Irene’s mother endured a rough patch with her new husband—a career military man like Irene’s late father—Rayford decided he would spend as little time in the air force as possible. He couldn’t be sure it was the milieu that made some men hard to live with, but he didn’t want to risk it. Anyway, the real money was in commercial piloting, and that was where his heart lay.

Because Irene had been a military brat and had never sunk roots anywhere else, she was content to be married in Indiana. They had the wedding in the spring of Ray-ford’s final year of school, so the crowd at Wayside Chapel was made up mostly of school and
ROTC
friends.

Rayford was alarmed to detect the first stages of dementia in his father. Me kept getting lost in the tiny church, and he told his son the same stories over and over. When Rayford got his mother alone, she burst into tears. “I’m losing him,” she said. Rayford feared she had become fragile too. Having parents older than his friends’ parents had been an embarrassment when he was young. Now it was a real problem.

“I suppose it would be too much to ask,” she said, “that you help your father sell the tool and die.”

Of all things to bring up on his wedding day. “Yes, it would be too much to ask,” he said. “I know nothing about the business end. And with me there he would get it into his head that he didn’t have to sell. He would be on me every day to just take it over, and that’s the last thing I want. Mom, if his mind is fading as fast as it appears, you’re going to need me making as much money as I can to help take care of him.”