The Rise of Emery James (19 page)

It's funny, change can crash into your life and take you by complete surprise, demanding that you adjust immediately, but most of the time change is much subtler. It's the stuff that happens when you aren't paying attention, when you are too busy doing all of the things that have to be done. It sneaks up on you while you are busy living.

Maybe that's what Cole and Dad knew all along. Because while they were pushing me to get out of the house and making me do things, I was starting to breathe again. The weights on my chest have lightened and I didn't even feel it happening because it didn’t happen all at once.

I'm healing.

I didn't think it could happen. Not like this. Not this fast. It's only been a few months since I came back home, but I feel more like myself than I'd thought possible. I try not to think about the whys. I try not to worry about what that means in terms of my past or use it to judge who I am based on my expectation of what is right. So when Cole told me he was picking me up because he wanted to wander, I happily slipped on my flip flops and met him at the door with an excited smile.

We used to do this all the time when we were dating. We never had to have a destination, we just liked being with each other and would often drive around for hours along back roads. We'd come to the end of one road and we'd flip a coin to decide which direction we'd go next. Those drives are some of my favorite memories. Talking for hours, holding hands and planning our dreams.

"You ready?" he asks me as he bounds up the stairs.

"Yep. I even brought a penny," I smile holding out my palm to show him the shiny copper coin. It was about 5 times the size of a real penny. He'd given it to me years ago and I smile as his eyes light up with surprise.

"You kept it?" he asks taking the penny from my hand and turning it over.

"Of course I kept it," I say. I can tell he's really touched that I have it, that I held on to this part of him, of us, even after I left. "How else am I supposed to figure out where I am going?" I tease.

His eyes lift back to mine and he hands the penny back to me. "As long as it keeps bringing you back to me," he says. My heart pounds and my stomach flips, but I can't respond with words. He lets me off the hook by grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door. I laugh and call out a goodbye to Journey who sits on the stairs watching us.

The sun is beating down as I descend the stairs and make my way to the truck. Cole is right behind me and opens the door before I can. I smile over my shoulder and thank him. I can't help but bounce in my seat a little as he rounds the front of the truck to the driver’s side. Excitement dances in my tummy and we're not even going anywhere special. But today things feel easy. I feel free and it feels so good that I can't help the flutter of anticipation that overtakes me. I look over and catch Cole's wide smile.

"What?" I ask.

"You. I like seeing you this way," he admits as he backs out of my drive.

"I like feeling this way," I say, my voice quiet only because I'm not sure I should admit it out loud. But Cole's smile grows wider and I know that with him I can say anything.

On the way out of town Cole stops at the local Sonic and grabs us a couple of drinks before making his way out to the country roads that surround our town. Away from the city where the landscape is dotted with ranches and wheat fields. Out here houses are acres apart. These roads are perfect for getting lost. As we near a T in the road he looks over at me with a grin. "Flip it," he says.

I grin, grabbing the oversized penny. "Heads right, tails left." I flip the coin and grab it as it falls back to my lap. It lands on heads. "We go right." Cole steers the truck right and I kick my flip flops off and pull my knees to my chest enjoying the scenery as it passes. I have missed this. I breathe in deep trying to soak up the memory of my past and the hope that keeps sneaking into my present.

We ride for hours talking about nothing. We play stupid road games and make up stories about the few people that we happen to see on our drive. When I have to pee he threatens to make me go on the side of the road. "It's either that or you go knock on that farm house and ask them to take pity on you," he shrugs.

"I’m not going to some stranger’s door and asking them if I can use their bathroom," I protest.

"I can stop anywhere you want. There's a nice tree over there," he suggests pointing out into a field ahead.

"Cole Bennett," I warn. He laughs easily. I've peed outside lots of times. I grew up in the Oklahoma country after all, but I'm not feeling especially adventurous today and I know for a fact that there is a service station two miles away. He's teasing me and when he takes the next left without me flipping the penny I know that he's taking me there. I sit back satisfied.

After our pit stop Cole drives on, still not asking me to flip the coin. It's getting late so I wonder if he's done and heading back to town. I hope not. I could stay out here with him indefinitely. I feel so much like myself out here on these back country roads that I don't really want to go back to my quiet, empty house.

"Are we going home?" I ask.

"No. Do you want to go home?"

"No," I admit.

"Good," he smiles. He still doesn't tell me where we're going, but as long as he's not driving home I don't care where he takes me.

It doesn't take me long to figure out where we are headed. He’s taking me to the lake. Perfect. Back in the day we always ended up there. Usually we'd end the night in the back of Cole's truck wrapped up in each other until late in the night. Stargazing was always best right there in the safety of his arms.

The sun is hanging low in the sky as we pull up to a spot just up from the shoreline. This has always been our spot. Away from anyone loading in a boat, away from the swim areas, just a small patch that rarely sees traffic and has always felt like it belonged just to us. I climb out and stare out across the water where the sun seems to light the surface on fire. The way it sparks you'd swear someone had scattered diamonds across the top.

Connecticut never had anything like this. If it did I'd never taken the time to find it. That life feels so far away. Especially today. I don't want to think about any of it right now. I just want to get lost in this moment. In this day. I want to get lost in this part of me that I have uncovered. The part of me that is starting to feel alive.

Cole

SEEING THE DIFFERENCE IN
Emery today does something to my heart. It's the spark in her eyes, the way she laughs without worrying if she should. It's like watching her come back to life right in front of my eyes. And the idea that I have had something to do with it, makes me puff out my chest a little. I can't help it, I like knowing that she feels comfortable with me, that I make her feel something she hasn't felt in a long time.

It's been hard to see Emery so down since she came home. It's hard to see the doubt and the questions that she has about every decision she makes. I've done my best to navigate it, to help her, but sometimes I worry I don't do enough.

But days like this, moments where she seems to let go and just live for right now, I know that she's healing. I see the progress and the spark that is coming back. Right now it's just a flicker, but I know I won't stop until she's ablaze.

I watch her now, as she stares out across the water into the setting sun. The orange glow lights her up and I'm so taken with watching her that I almost miss it when she suddenly says, "Let's go in."

I look up in surprise. "You want to swim?" I ask, unable to hide my smile. I watch as she begins to unbutton her shirt, her fingers unfastening each button slowly. She never takes her eyes off of the water. I never take my eyes off of her.

My body tenses, my dick is instantly pressed against the seam of my jeans as I watch her drop the shirt. She's wearing a tight white tank top underneath and it hugs her body in the most delicious way. My mouth is suddenly completely dry

"I do. You going with me?" she asks, finally pulling her focus from the water and planting it on me. I wonder if she can see the dilation of my eyes or hear the way my breathing has picked up. Watching her has me wanting to touch her and just thinking about joining her in the water has me struggling to put a lid on the desire that she makes me feel.

"I didn't bring my swim trunks," I say.

"Neither did I. Never stopped us before," she says.

Before
.

My body remembers before. It remembers it like it was right now.

She slides the short denim shorts down her legs and steps out of them.
Fuck me.
White tank top, hot pink lace panties and I'm done for. I clear my throat trying to play it cool, but all I want to do is grab her and pull her sexy body against mine. She's trying to kill me.

This is not the Emery that came home broken. This is my Emery – fearless and alive.

She must see the struggle on my face, because she gives me a shy smile and then steps towards the water.

"Coming?" she asks.

Nearly.

She's in the water to her knees when I finally shake myself out of my stupor and go to follow her. I shed my shirt and jeans on the way and move to stand beside her. She glances over at me, her gaze moving over my body. It makes me want to touch her even more.

"I haven't done this in a long time," she says. I'm not sure which
this
she's referring to so I just take her hand and pull her into deeper water.

It's warm, the Oklahoma sun having spent the long summer months heating it through. I try to ignore the fact that her tank top is wet and clinging to her frame. I can see the pink bra underneath and the way her nipples are pressed hard against the fabric. It sparks the fire that always lies in wait when Emery is around. I swallow the urge to pull her to me and kiss her. Swallow the need to run my fingers across the fabric or pull the wet tank top from her body and cover the lace with my mouth. That's what I want to do. My dick twitches in agreement, begging me to take what I want.

"Do you remember when we used to do this?" she asks.

I swallow the groan that wants to erupt from deep in my chest. Of course I remember. I also remember how I'd carry her back to the truck and make love to her under the moonlight. "Yeah," I manage.

She smiles at me, clearly reading the memory on my face. She steps closer to me, sliding her arms around my neck. "We were good together then, weren't we?" she asks.

"We were amazing together," I agree. She smiles again and kisses my cheek before moving away from me. I have to take a moment to find my breath again.

She moves deeper into the water, deep enough that her feet don't touch and she's treading water. I follow her, still tall enough to reach the bottom. "I was thinking about it a lot last night. The way we were. It's so different than what I had with him." She doesn't say his name and I'm glad. She continues, "I mean, with you I always felt free. Like I could take on the world or something. You always gave me that strength."

I don't know what to say to that, but it sends warmth through my entire body. "I know I shouldn't compare the two of you, but I can't help it. When I was with him it felt like I was always climbing a hill. There was a heaviness to it. I don't even think I realized it until I was back here with you. Isn't that crazy?"

I still don't know what to say. Her confession is throwing me for a loop. "At first I thought it was because we were young and didn't really know much about the world. But now that I'm back, I feel it again. At least I'm starting to."

It takes a bit, but I finally find my words again. "You'll get there. It takes time to heal. There is no timetable to how it's done."

"I know. It's just hard. Some days I feel like I'm never going to crawl out of this valley and then other days, like today, when I'm here with you -- it feels possible. It feels like I'm finding me again."

I can't help but smile. "You've already come so far. I see it," I tell her.

She smiles and then swims closer to me, leaving about a foot of space and water between us. I offer her my hands so she can steady herself and not tread water. She takes them but keeps her distance.

"I think you are good for me, Cole. You make all of this easier. Thank you for that. I don't think I tell you enough how much it means to me."

I swallow and nod. I want to pull her to me, but I don't.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone away to school. Or if we'd gone together?" she asks quietly.

"Yes. I also wonder what it would have been like if you'd come back," I say.

"What do you think would have happened?" she dares to ask.

I could tell her that I think we'd have grown up together and that we'd probably have some perfect storybook life. But I don't actually know if I believe that. We were young. We could have easily fallen apart and still ended up as strangers. She’s watching me closely waiting for an answer.

"I don't know, James. We could drive ourselves crazy playing that game. But you're here now and I'm glad you are back in my life."