The Revelations (6 page)

The night before, her dad had emailed her a piece of music that they had worked on together during her last visit home. Drawing on her translation of the Old English love poem
Wulf and Eadwacer
, it was a desolate, minimalist piece, built around a series of distant notes that developed tentatively into the refrain, sung by a soprano:
A difference exists between us
. Her dad had tried to convey the loneliness of the original poem, the sexual longing, the betrayal. She had sat at her computer and played the piece time after time. With Darwin curled at her feet, she listened to the haunting, austere music and cried: for herself, for the nameless author of the poem, for her dad.

Lee realised that David was looking at her. Mouse had his hand upon her knee and was tapping out a jittery rhythm with his fingers. David blinked as she met his eyes. The church was utterly silent.

‘Now for the reason I decided to talk about our rules tonight. One of the things I hope that you guys have discovered about the Course is that we aren’t exclusive. All who come here are welcome. All those who join our family, who respect that family by acknowledging and abiding by the rules that keep us together, are welcome. You may have heard things about the Course – there have been newspaper articles, disaffected former members, rival priests who envy our crowded pews.’ He smiled sadly.

‘The Course isn’t for everyone, and I’m afraid some of you will leave. Some of you will feel that we ask too much of you, that you can’t cope with the pressure of living up to Christ’s ideal. What I say to you is this: embrace that pressure, strive for the perfection that Christ achieved and when you slip, the Course will be there to help you up. And you will find that all the other pressures in your life, the things we were discussing last week, fall away when you start abiding by the rules of the Course. We have been described as being outmoded and old-fashioned. I disagree firmly with the idea that our teachings don’t have any relevance to the modern world. Quite the opposite. But when I hear that people think us old-fashioned, I say yes, that’s probably true.

‘We believe that the best family, the most stable and enduring family, is one where a man and a woman come together in love. And when that love is recognised in the eyes of God. Sally and I weren’t blessed with children – in many ways our children are you lot – but, back when we were planning for a family, we felt very strongly that a mother and a father, living together as man and wife, was by far the best way to raise kids. And I know this isn’t a cool or a politically correct viewpoint, I know it is very old-fashioned. But look at the statistics, think about it logically. It’s what nature intended, it’s what God intended.’ The light softened now and David smiled out at the congregation.

‘Weddings are wonderful. It’s still the happiest day of my life, the day when I turned to watch Sally walk down the aisle. And weddings have become as important a part of the Course as our Tuesday-night sessions. They’re a place we can all get together and celebrate the wonder of love, the joyous pact between a man and a woman. And all I’m saying here is that this is our ideal. If you don’t want to get married, fine. If you’re gay, that’s OK too. You’re still welcome here, although you might find that you don’t always feel entirely comfortable. Because we believe that it is when sex is twinned with married love that it’s at its most intense and holy, it’s only then that it’s truly a gift from God. I have many unmarried friends who say that their partnership is every bit as strong as a proper marriage; I have many gay friends who believe that their love is blessed by God. I can only say what I truly believe, what I’d tell my own son. Marry a woman who will love and cherish you. Save sex until after you’re married. It’s the path to happiness, to fulfilment. Some of the most depressed, disappointed people I know are those who chose to be gay in their younger years and realised, too late, that it is a dead-end lifestyle. Now they are old and full of regret. Sex is a gift of God serving two purposes: it represents the joy of love between a man and a woman, and it brings forth new life. Don’t lose sight of these things. Struggle against temptation. Often the most difficult battles end in the most magnificent victories.’ He shuffled some papers on the lectern and stepped down from the pulpit. The applause built slowly from the back of the room. Lee clapped very gently, and her palms were damp with sweat.

She emptied her mind during the music, trying not to think of David or Philip. It was why she loved the piano. The mathematical precision of the notes, the complex feats of dexterity needed to execute the pieces perfectly; all of this helped her to step away from herself. But then they were sitting in the discussion group, and Mouse was beginning to talk about chastity and purity and guilt. David was standing in the shadows of the doorway, and she could again feel his eyes upon her.

‘We all get urges.’ Mouse’s voice was clipped and firm and droplets of spittle flew from his mouth as he spoke. ‘But we control them. Or we hold them in as best we can until our love is blessed. I’ve lost girlfriends because of this. Of course I have. But I know I’m right. Saving something so precious for the right girl seems only sensible. And when I do find her, when we’re married and one in the eyes of God, well, then it will all be worthwhile. It will be something incredibly special and powerful.’ The twins sat forward, their heads bobbing; every so often one of them would giggle. Lee could see that Mouse hadn’t shaved for a few days. A light dusting of blond hairs, not thick enough to be called stubble, fuzzed beneath his round cheeks.

‘Don’t you think that some of the people who need the Course most might be put off by all this?’ Philip asked, chewing the end of his pencil. ‘I mean, the Course is targeted at young people, and young people struggle with their sexuality, they struggle to keep their emotions in check. It just feels like it’s a very negative way of putting it. Very unforgiving when you compare it to the rest of the Course.’ Lee realised that Philip was looking at her.

‘The Course will welcome anyone,’ she said, quietly. ‘And particularly if they’re struggling with these kinds of issues. But David’s right: promiscuity leads to a very lonely existence.’

A silence descended. Philip continued to look at Lee. She stared at the ground and then desperately towards David in the doorway. The priest moved forward into the light and was about to address the room when Mouse, his cheeks very red, began to speak.

‘It’s like so much of modern life,’ he said. ‘Always looking for the next fix, constantly jumping from one cheap thrill to the next. A stable marriage between a man and a woman may seem unglamorous, but it’s the key to a happy life. It’s why the Course insists upon this above all else. It’s for our own good.’ Mouse was standing now, pacing within the circle of chairs, one tightly balled fist smacking into the other palm. Lee thought he looked unhinged, but then she saw the twins leaning forward and blinking their long-lashed eyes and she realised that Mouse was just copying David. Even his voice was growing to sound like David’s. A voice that had been so different when Lee first discovered him, tubby and awkward, hiding in his tiny room high above the college quadrangle.

Lee talked very little during the discussion; her eyes were blank and distant. Philip smiled at her, nodded when she did speak, tried to make his own comments enthusiastic and endearing. When the session was finished, he stood at the door, looking over at Lee as she gathered up her Bible and her papers. Mouse had already left for the pub with the twins and Maki. Lee pretended to read a passage in
The Way of the Pilgrim
, hoping that Philip would go on without her. David coughed quietly in the shadows behind Philip.

‘Hi, Philip, would you mind if I had a quick word with Lee? Just some administrative stuff we need to go through.’

Lee looked up, smiling coolly.

‘Oh, Philip, were you waiting for me? I’m so sorry. I’ll catch you up.’

Philip nodded and waved, backing out of the room. David stepped in and sat on the chair beside Lee. Lee was still tracing her finger across the lines of the green book, not seeing the words, a feeling of dread building in her stomach.

‘I wanted to speak to you after the discussion tonight. I saw the way Philip was looking at you.’ David’s voice was very gentle. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m prying, or judging you. But you’re a Course leader now, and that carries with it certain responsibilities. I don’t want to lose you, or him.’

Lee closed the book and folded her hands on top of it, staring down at her nails. She felt blood rising to her cheeks.

‘When Sally and I were first together,’ David continued, ‘it wasn’t the done thing to be exclusive in relationships. It was our first year at Durham, and it was that part of the seventies that still wanted very much to be the sixties. So whilst it was very clear to me from the start that Sally was the one I wanted to be with, we slept around. Or rather I did. I used to get drunk and when I woke up next to the girls, I’d barely recognise them. I always hoped that when the bare back I was squashed up against turned over, it’d be Sally. But Sally was the only one who wouldn’t sleep with me. I can’t tell you how empty it all made me feel. Walking home in the early mornings after those one-night stands, I really hated myself.

‘It was a bit like religion. That same era, it was trendy to get involved in all sorts of different religions. Buddhism, Jainism, Sufism – anything Eastern and enlightened worked. And even though we were all brought up Christian, and we went to sing carols at Christmas, it felt like Christianity was the one religion you really weren’t allowed to go in for. I remember these ridiculous meditation parties – some people would be smoking marijuana, and others would be chanting nonsense. I always felt very awkward, but wasn’t sure enough of myself to follow my own path.’

David reached over and placed his hand on Lee’s. She looked up at him, shyly, strands of blonde hair falling in front of her eyes.

‘I proposed to Sally after finals. I took her for a picnic by Prebend’s Bridge, on the Wear.  I produced the ring with a bottle of champagne. It was perfect. We were married the following spring. And perhaps a year later, with Sally’s help, I became a Christian. I still feel that the two were very much linked. Both were like coming home for me. The joy of sharing my bed with the one woman I loved above all others was so much like finally accepting the one true God. I hope this makes sense to you.’

She looked at him, frowning.

‘Yes. Yes, it does make sense.’

‘Take Marcus and Abby. You should use them as a model. I know that they have had their troubles, but there is something indestructible at the heart of that marriage. They’ll be able to face anything together, because that union is so extraordinarily strong. I see Marcus looking at Abby sometimes and the love in his eyes is frightening.’

He lifted his hand from her lap and took her chin between his thumb and forefinger.

‘You are such a beautiful, intelligent girl, Lee. You don’t need to be doing this, to be giving yourself away so easily. You will make somebody a wonderful wife one day. In the meantime you must just try to control yourself. You know that I think wine is a wonderful thing, one of God’s great gifts. But all of you drink too much, and it’s much harder to keep your passions in check when you’re drunk.’

He drew his hand up, across her cheek, brushing the strands of hair away from her mouth and tucking them behind her ear.

‘I will try, David, I really will. I want you to be proud of me. Sometimes, though, it feels like it takes everything I have just to get through the day. Like I’m leaning against a door, trying to keep it shut, trying to stop something terribly frightening from coming out. It’s why I’m always so tired.’

‘And what’s behind this door?’

‘I don’t know. I just know that it’s dark and horrible and scares me. I start to panic just thinking about it.’

‘You must fight against it. The Course will be there for you when you come out the other side of this phase you’re going through. But if you backslide too far, if you let the Devil come too close to you, it may be that you are too distant for even the Course to reach you. If you become known as a slut, Lee, I might have to ask you to leave. For the good of the Course.’ These last words were like glass pressed into her skin, each word pearled blood on her pale skin. Tears began to run down her cheeks and David’s voice became softer.

‘I understand what you’ve been going through. And I don’t want to turn away from you – you’re a key member of our community. I’m just trying to warn you. You know I see myself as a father to you lot. The four of you need to stick together. There’s something about you guys that is quite astonishing. On stage, obviously, but also when you move around the church, when you speak to Course members. I don’t want to lose that. It’s why I wanted to speak to you now, before things get any worse. Have a think about what I’ve said. Come and see me any time if you’d like to chat.’

He rose and placed his hand on her hair. Lee bowed her head, feeling the joyful shiver of forgiveness. When the echoes of his footsteps had disappeared from the church above, she made her way upstairs, put on her coat, pulled her hat down so that it nearly covered her eyes, and walked out into the damp night.

Mouse had saved her a seat next to him in the pub. Philip was watching from the corner as Lee moved her chair closer towards Mouse, linked her arm through his, and whispered in his ear that she loved him. He blushed and smiled. When they had finished their drinks, they made their way out into the damp night. Philip grabbed her shoulder as Mouse scampered ahead to hail a taxi.

‘I wanted to talk to you,’ he said. I had a really good time with you the other night. But I got the feeling you were ignoring me this evening. Please tell me you aren’t upset with me.’

‘I’m so sorry.’ Lee looked genuinely distraught. ‘I can be a bitch sometimes, I know I can. I really didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘You didn’t hurt me, or rather you haven’t yet.’ Philip tried to laugh, his lips peeling back from his teeth. ‘Listen, could I get your number? I’d really like to see you again, just the two of us.’