The Retreat (12 page)

She said, “When your brother went to live with that family? Was he in some kind of trouble?”

Raymond didn’t respond at first and Lizzy thought maybe she’d said something wrong. Then he said, “It wasn’t a big deal. It was decided he would live somewhere else. The government has its plans.” He paused. Then asked if she played basketball. She said that she didn’t, she wasn’t any good at sports.

He said that he was a good point guard and if they were on the same team and she were just a little free, if she had even just one hand free, he would get the ball to her. “Pinpoint passing,” he said. “That’s what my coach always told me.”

The sound of Raymond’s voice lifting and then fading made Lizzy shiver. She’d been hearing Raymond, aware that even as he spoke he seemed ill at ease to be speaking. And so, attempting to find some balance in the conversation, she talked about her mother. She said that these days her mother seemed unhappy and that this made her father unhappy. “They’re all twisted together.” Then she said that she had had too much opportunity to watch adults these days, and she had discovered that most adults wanted what they couldn’t or didn’t have, and they would hurt people to get it. She said that when she was
older and married, or if and when she had a lover, she would not be weak. She said, “Wouldn’t it be right, if someone is being betrayed, that they stand up for themselves?”

Raymond took her hand. She opened her palm and received his hand, and then closed her fingers around his. She was trembling.

He asked if she was cold and she said no, that sometimes her body shivered when it was happy. She said that she would like to run away like he had.

He said that he hadn’t run. His uncle had given him the cabin to use every spring and summer. He said that running away meant leaving everything you knew and understood, and finding a place that was completely unknown, where you could be a different person. “You don’t want that.”

Lizzy thought how clear and true this sounded and she was surprised that he would have the knowledge to say these words. She was about to say something, when he kissed her. He was suddenly up on one elbow and leaning into her and his mouth was on hers and then he was finished and lay back beside her, looking up at the sky.

He was quiet for a while and Lizzy thought he might have fallen asleep, but then he turned and he took her head in his hands and this time his tongue was in her mouth, and she considered pulling away but she didn’t, and his hands were around her neck and up and down her arms and he was making noises and she breathed deeply so that his smell would stay with her the rest of the night. They kissed for a long time and Raymond touched her breasts through her shirt and she let him.

Then she said that that was enough for tonight, that she felt like a cup that was spilling over and she didn’t want to waste anything. They walked back to the truck without touching. Lizzy was slightly ahead of Raymond, aware of the silence between them, but knowing too that the silence might be all right. He smoked a cigarette while he drove her back to the Retreat, and he offered her a drag now and then, which she took willingly, thankful to keep herself busy. She was still shivering a little, and thought it might be the wetness from the grass against her clothes.

Just before she got out of his pickup, and before he lifted her bicycle from the back, she said that there was going to be a dance at the Retreat on the weekend. He should come, she said. And Nelson too. And anyone else he wanted to invite. He should come for supper as well.

He said that he had been at one dance there last summer, so he knew about them. Besides, the Doctor liked it when he showed up for dinner or at the dance. “He likes to hang out with an Indian or two.” He smiled and said that he might come.

She thought he might want to kiss her good night, but this did not happen, and it did not trouble her. He simply got into his pickup, waved goodbye, and was gone.

In bed, later, she lay staring up into the darkness and she touched her throat where Raymond’s hands had been. He had calluses on his fingers and his hands were large, and they had encircled her throat and she had felt his strength. She willed herself to dream of him, to fall into the shadows and find him there. But she did not. She dreamed instead of following a man whose face she never saw, who led her down a twisting
path that was thick and matted with branches. They arrived finally at a clearing where there was shade and sunlight and she knew, waking from this dream, that there had been danger in that place.

On Saturday evening after dinner, the furniture in the Hall was pushed back and fairy lights were strung at the edges of the walls and across the ceiling. The room still smelled of fried sausage from the dinner, but someone, Mrs. Byrd perhaps, had lit candles and placed them in low glass jars on the sills of the windows, and the waxy scent of the candles eventually overwhelmed the smell of the food. Ian, a young man who had arrived with his girlfriend Jill just the week before, had a collection of records. Jill and Ian ventured out onto the floor first, moving to “Love Train.” Then Mrs. Byrd joined them, sliding across the floor all alone to “Some Kind of Wonderful.” She was wearing a white skirt with pleats and an orange top, loose and thin. She had wrapped a colourful scarf around her new cast, and she danced with her eyes closed, arms slightly raised. She was barefoot. Lizzy watched her mother and felt both mortified and envious. She wondered if her father would show up.

Fish wandered out onto the floor and Lizzy followed him. This brought out the rest of the adults and children, save for Big Billy, who sat in a corner eating chocolate cake. William, in a rare moment of abandonment, danced and skipped about the room. At some point, to the sound of “Free Ride,” Emma had her arms around Franz’s neck and Mrs. Byrd was dancing
with the Doctor, one of her hands pushed against his chest, the other around his waist. She was looking up into his face, and she was talking, her white teeth flashing.

Margaret came in, holding a plate with raw carrots and broccoli and a parsley dip. She put the food on the table and walked over to Lizzy’s mother, tapped her on the shoulder, and stole her husband back. Mrs. Byrd let go easily, still moving her feet to the music, and it seemed to Lizzy her mother wasn’t worried that she appeared to be openly flirting with the Doctor. Lizzy made a decision to go look for her father. She found him in his cabin, a book in his lap, but he didn’t appear to be reading. The music drifted faintly across the clearing. She went to him and took his hand and pulled him up and said, “Come, Daddy, we’re dancing.” He said that he was not particularly interested, and she said, “You should be,” and she hooked her hand under his arm and led him out his cabin door. She saw Raymond’s pickup at the edge of the clearing, and her heart moved.

When she entered the Hall he was sitting with Nelson, a large woman older than him, and a young girl. The four of them were on chairs near the back wall. She waved at them and Raymond waved back. Then she walked her father out onto the dance floor. “Relax,” she said and she put her arms lightly around his neck, and they danced to Marvin Gaye. He said that some Woody Herman would be nice, and just then her mother passed by and said, “Hi, Lewis,” and Lizzy handed her father to her.

She had noticed Raymond watching her dance, so she went to him now and said, “Here you are.”

“I am,” he said. He introduced the young girl, said her name was Lee, and that she was his niece. “And this is her mother, Reenie, my sister.” He motioned at the larger woman who wore around her neck a crucifix that seemed to have been hammered from scrap metal. She said hi to Lizzy and then laughed and turned her head. Lizzy thought she might be nervous. Lizzy said she had a brother, Everett, who was maybe close to Lee’s age. He was fourteen. She pointed out at the dance floor, where Everett and William were dancing near to their parents. Lizzy reached for Raymond’s hand and said, “Come.” He followed her, and when they reached the centre of the room, she moved around him as he shuffled his feet. She said that she was glad he was here.

“I’m not a good dancer,” he said. “You’d be better off with a dead tree.”

Nelson had found a beer and was standing at the edge of the room. Reenie and Lee were dancing and giggling, holding their hands over their mouths. The room was hot and Lizzy smelled her own sweat and the pale sweetness of the perfume she’d put on earlier in anticipation of Raymond coming. She had never touched him in public, and now, as a slower song played, she took his hands and put them around her waist and she laid her head against his chest. She did not talk, because then she would have had to lift her head in order to make herself heard, and she would then have lost the sound of his heart in her ear. Her mother was standing to one side with her hand on her hip, watching. When the song was finished, Lizzy took Raymond’s hand as they walked to the chairs where Reenie and Lee were again sitting. She offered to introduce
Lee to Everett, but Lee shook her head no. Reenie chuckled. Her large hands were folded in her lap.

Against the far wall, Lizzy saw Harris, drinking from a flask. He noticed Lizzy and raised the flask and smiled. Lizzy waved back. She told Raymond that she was going to dance again, in fact she would be dancing all night, and if he wanted to see her, he would have to come find her on the dance floor. Okay? And she turned, not completely willingly, and she scooped up Fish and walked out onto the dance floor. His eyes were bright. He was wearing shorts and she felt his firm, cool legs and this made her think of Raymond’s hand on her breasts several nights earlier. The force of his mouth on hers. She turned and saw Raymond leaning towards Nelson, whispering something. He was looking right at her. She smiled.

Late into the night they danced. Nelson finally made it out onto the floor with Reenie and Lee. At some point, he was sitting at one of the tables, talking to Everett and moving his hands in the air as if making a point about something. During the slower songs, Lizzy danced with William, and then Raymond again, the movement of his back muscles against her hand, and then with Ian, who kept reaching out to brush her arm or her shoulder. He said that she was good-looking; he’d never really taken note. “That boy. Your main man?” he asked. He moved closer and tried to take her in his arms, but she slid away and went over to where Everett was sitting with Nelson and pulled her brother out onto the floor, letting her wrists rest on his shoulders. Everett told her that Nelson was nice and that he liked chess, just like he did. “That right?” Lizzy said. “I’m happy for you.” Later, the Doctor asked her
to dance with him; they moved slowly, an arm’s-length apart. The Doctor’s shirt was unbuttoned halfway and his bony chest was visible. He dipped towards her like a large white bird and then leaned back and moved his hips, as if offering his crotch for assessment. Lizzy wanted to laugh, but she stopped herself, because she knew she would have to explain her laughter to him. Once, looking back over her shoulder at Raymond, she saw her mother talking to him, reaching out a hand as if to drag him out onto the dance floor. He was seated and she was standing, bending over, and Lizzy imagined Raymond might see down her mother’s top and this made her suddenly angry. He saw Lizzy watching and he shook his head. Her mother straightened and backed away.

She found Lizzy not long after that. Trapped her near the tub of beer and placed a hand on her shoulder and said, “Is that the boy?”

“What are you talking about, Mother?” Lizzy asked.

Her mother said that he was handsome, wasn’t he? She said that she was glad to know that her daughter had good taste. “And don’t let people tell you differently,” she said, and she slipped away, seemingly pleased with herself.

And then, at the end of the song, Raymond came to find her. He told her Nelson and Lee wanted to go. “Already?” she said. She took his hands and tried to lead him onto the dance floor, but he pulled away. At that moment she saw herself as desperate and so she said, “Okay.” Then he said that he would come by the next day, about noon. Maybe they’d drive to town. Or around. He lifted his hand in a slight wave and turned away. Lizzy circled the room, suddenly lonely,
and looked for someone. She found Fish and they went over to a chair and sat, Fish on her lap.

On the far side of the room, her parents were dancing. Her mother had her face against her father’s chest. He was talking into her ear, talking and talking, and then she smiled and pushed away from him. She found Lizzy and came to her and bent over, touching her mouth to Lizzy’s temple. “Can you put the boys to bed? Now that your boyfriend is gone.” Her orange blouse, the tops of her breasts; Lizzy saw what Raymond would have seen. And then, without waiting for a response, she went to Lewis, took his hand, and they left. Lizzy watched them go, feeling sad and jealous in some odd way, and confused by how easily her mother could call Raymond a boyfriend.

William had already gone up to the cabin. Ian and Jill were slow dancing to some French-sounding song with an accordion in the background. Harris had sipped his way into a dreamlike state and was tapping at the arm of his wheelchair with his right hand. Emma had disappeared long ago with Franz.

After the last song, Lizzy passed Fish off to Everett and asked him to take him back and put him to bed. She went to Harris and told him she would bring him to his cabin. He said that she should not feel sorry for him. They went out of the Hall and up the path. In the moonlight she saw the back of Harris’s head, his slight shoulders, his hands gathered in his lap.

He said that he had to empty his bottle. Could they pass by the bathroom.

She pushed him up towards the outhouse, thinking how proper he was, calling it a bathroom when it wasn’t that at all. It was a shack with two holes. A shithouse. The door was open and there was the smell, which always depressed Lizzy, and she breathed through her mouth.

Harris set the brakes on his wheelchair and pushed himself upwards. He picked up his bottle and clutched it.

“Here,” Lizzy said, and she held his arm as he hobbled forward.

“I’m fine,” he said, and closed the door behind him.