The Regal Rules for Girls (9 page)

Excessive childhood viewings of
My Fair Lady
actually proved to be an invaluable education for me when it came to understanding the intricacies of the English class system, and the knowledge I gleaned from it served me well when I arrived in London. I advise you to watch it and learn. (And I promise, by the end of the movie, you’ll find yourself happily humming the soundtrack.)

R
ECOMMENDED
R
EADING:

Watching the English
by Kate Fox

This endlessly entertaining book observes the British with a sharp, anthropological eye, as if they were animals in the wild. Breaking down all facets of British life within the strict UK class structure, the author examines mundane British activities like shopping, gardening, and breakfast and the subtle differences found amid the upper class, middle upper class, upper middle class, middle middle class, lower middle, upper lower, middle lower, and so on. Truly eye-opening stuff. You will never look at the Brits the same again.

My friend Matilda (known as Tilly) is very posh. And very picky. At least when it comes to men. For a while she was the only girl in London who seemed to be dating more than I was—and eventually she eclipsed my efforts completely. Still, I’ll never forget the day she told me she had found “the one.”

“His Internet profile is perfect,” she gushed in her hyper–blue blood voice. “He’s witty, he’s clever, he’s taller than me, he plays rugby, he skis, he sails, and he speaks French, German,
and
Italian! We’re going to dinner tomorrow night!” She was practically squealing with delight.

The next day, when I called to see if the two of them were engaged, she sounded absolutely crestfallen.

“Was he not good-looking in real life?” I asked.

“He was gorgeous!” she answered, “I wanted to rip his clothes off.”

“So what’s the catch?”

“I’ll tell you what the catch is,” she said bitterly. “The boy does not hold his knife correctly. I sat through our entire meal thinking how I could never bring him home to my parents. They’d kill me if I married someone with even slightly deficient KFS skills.”

“KFS skills?”

“Knife, fork, spoon. It’s army talk. KFS skills are very important to my family. Have been for generations. And rightly so. No, it’s probably for the best that I break things off with Charlie right now. He
is
gorgeous… but it never would have worked.”

The lesson? In England, table manners are important. Really important. It doesn’t matter how cute or smart you are—what you do with your cutlery on the first date can literally make or break a relationship.

Rightly or wrongly, if there is one thing the English have a reputation for, it’s manners. It’s important to remember that manners are not about being superior to others, but about making those around you feel comfortable. Whether it’s dinner with your British boss, lunch at an English friend’s house, or a date with the Englishman of your dreams, simple etiquette skills give you the confidence to
handle any situation and put those around you at ease. Manners are not only enabling, they are disarming—and far from being something antiquated that is no longer relevant, they are a vital part of London life.

When I moved to England at the age of twenty-two to pursue my master’s degree (and to pursue a noble English husband), I already knew (or thought I knew) the basics of English etiquette, mainly because I’d spent so many of my teenage years devouring books on American etiquette. However, whereas Emily Post is the goddess of US manners, she seemed to know relatively little about what I was encountering at UK dinner parties.

To me, the list of unwritten English rules seemed endless, and the smallest blunders on my part would occasionally cause a flurry of barely concealed shudders among my new friends. English etiquette, especially among the upper-class characters I was mixing with, was a minefield—and I wanted to get it right.

As part of my self-taught assimilation course, I decided to memorize
Debrett’s Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners
. Debrett’s was founded in 1769 (before the USA even formally existed) and is really the only true authority on proper English behavior. I read it cover to cover, determined to encapsulate all of its wise teachings.

The more I read, the more I realized how little I knew. There were tons of English rules that I’d never heard of, and I have to say, when I first read about them, their arcane absurdity astounded me. From what I could tell, dozens of invisible, nonfunctional rules existed purely to ostracize those that knew them from those that didn’t. (And to allow those in the know to tell terribly amusing anecdotes about those who weren’t.)

For example, port must always be passed clockwise. You don’t talk about it. It just happens. And if I hadn’t happened to read about this universal beverage traffic law the night before I attended
a glamorous British dinner party, the port’s journey would have stopped with me, and everyone would have enjoyed being silently aghast at my American ignorance and talked excitedly about the incident among themselves for weeks to come.

Then there’s the monstrous challenge of correctly eating something as simple as peas. Little did I know that the correct way to consume peas is to squash them on top of your fork! By this I mean you must use your knife (held in your right hand) to smash the peas violently against the back of your fork (which you are holding in your left hand with the prongs facing down) until they are sufficiently mushy and secure, after which it is safe to bring the fork to your mouth (prongs still facing down). No piercing of peas is permitted; no scooping of peas is permitted. And
under no circumstances
are you to turn the fork over and push the peas onto the inside of the fork with your knife.

So
please
study your etiquette.

Because unless you know the rules, how can you break them?

Continental Dining

I’m not sure Americans realize how silly our table manners look to the rest of Europe. We cut a piece of steak with the knife in our right hand, put the knife down, pick up the fork in our right hand, spear the piece of steak, and then bring it to our mouth. Then we switch the fork to our left hand, pick up the knife and cut another piece of steak. There’s a lot of zigzagging and hand switching going on for every single bite. If you do this in the UK, it’s social suicide.
I’m telling you, the Brits will look at you like you’re some kind of swamp creature. And if a well-bred British boy sees you do this, there is absolutely no way he is bringing you home to meet his aristocratic mother.

So
please
, take my advice and master the art of continental dining. It is by far the most graceful way of eating, but it does take practice.