The Regal Rules for Girls (49 page)
Gin and Tonic: A Very Brief History
When the British were busy colonizing India and other exotic regions of their far-flung Empire, they began drinking tonic water (which contains quinine) in order to ward off malaria. Of course it wasn’t long before the Brits, being Brits, decided to add gin. Hence, one of the best drinks on earth was born.
English cuisine is generally so threadbare that for years there has been a gentlemen’s agreement in the civilized world to allow the Brits preeminence in the matter of tea—which, after all, comes down to little more than the ability to boil water.
—W
ILIFRED
S
HEED
“How do you
cope
in England?” American friends ask me, “Aren’t you
starving
? What do you
eat
over there? Don’t they put mayonnaise on
everything
?”
I will admit that it is easier to find good food in America than it is the UK. In America you can pretty much walk into any hole-in-the-wall and expect a certain level of quality, much less edibility. You’ll also probably find that American waiters take a genuine interest in, and will happily discuss with you, whether you’d most enjoy your steak with béarnaise sauce or peppercorn gravy.
Not so in the UK. You can’t just randomly walk into any cafe or restaurant or pub and expect the food or service to be good. Because it won’t be.
Please keep in mind that it was little more than twenty years ago that the Brits discovered avocados, much less olive oil. Which kind of explains why many of them still enjoy overcooked meat, overcooked root vegetables, and lots of potatoes, washed down with lots of alcohol. And because the service industry is based on salaries rather than tips, customer service is not exactly stellar.
Nevertheless, London has come a long way in the last ten years. Whereas before you were lucky if you could find decent tea and toast, suddenly the capital is teeming with designer coffee shops, trendy sushi bars, French bakeries, organic butchers, and cuisine from every corner of the globe.
Will you be able to find pancakes and waffles? Probably not. But you will be able to taste some of the best Indian, Chinese, and Thai food in the world. Will you be able to find an authentic Caesar salad or New York bagel? Never. But you’ll soon find yourself yearning for bangers and mash,
3
shepherd’s pie, and sticky toffee pudding.
Still, when it comes to eating in England, I feel it is my duty to warn you about certain things so you are not shocked when you first encounter them:
“Chips” means French fries not potato chips—which are known as “crisps.”
The UK boasts some of the most disturbing crisp flavors on earth (Prawn Cocktail, Chili & Squid, Lamb & Mint, Ham & Cranberry, Cheddar & Beer, to name just a few).
Baked potatoes are known as “jacket potatoes.” But don’t expect sour cream and chives. The Brits prefer toppings such as canned corn, baked beans, tuna fish, and mayonnaise. I wish I were joking. (I have actually found a product that offers corn, beans, tuna, and mayonnaise all mixed together in the same can. I mailed one to my friend in New York and it scared her out of her wits.) They also like to put these very same toppings on pizza. Again, I wish were joking.
Brits like to pour heavy cream on everything—including cheesecake.
Brits never “go out for ice cream” like Americans do. In fact the only time ice cream seems to be consumed is at the movie theater (aka the “cinema”). This is just as well because cinema popcorn is stale and cold—never hot, never freshly popped, and never drizzled with butter.
A “full English breakfast” is famously considered among the natives to be the best cure for a hangover. This traditionally consists of fried toast, fried bacon, fried sausages, fried tomatoes, fried mushrooms, and fried eggs sunny-side-up—all served with a giant side of baked beans smothered in something called brown sauce. (But if you ask me, it should also be considered the best guaranteed route to a heart attack.)
When Brits wash their dishes in the sink (aka when they do the “washing up”), they don’t rinse them. I have no idea why this is and I have had countless debates with them on the subject—but they adamantly
insist
that rinsing off dish soap is entirely unnecessary. (Luckily, restaurants are required to use hygienically sound industrial dishwashers.)
Places to AVOID
(You might want to print this list out and keep it with you)
The only thing I know is that a real Londoner, a real one, would never, ever, ever eat at one of those bloody Angus bloody Steak Houses in the West End.
—
FROM
L
ONDONERS
,
BY
C
RAIG
T
AYLOR
London is full of tourist traps designed to appeal to Americans—they are branded in a cheerful way that Americans respond to and
recognize, but the food is horrendous.
Please
trust me on this and don’t be lured into any of the following:
Aberdeen Steak House
Angus Steak House
Bella Italia
Cafe Rouge
Café Uno
Chez Gerrard
Garfunkel’s
La Tasca
Millie’s cookies (Ben’s is so much better!)
Pizza Hut & KFC (They’re
not
like the ones in the US!)
