The Red Thread (9 page)

“When I’m a teacher, please don’t come near my children.”

I laugh with him. For as long as I’ve known Alex, he has always loved children, and he is attending community college to study education. He wants to teach elementary school. One of his goals in life is to be one of those inspirational teachers they always make bad movies about.

“Jess?”

“Yeah?”

“I, um….”

What is he so nervous about? I look away to stare at the dirt on the ground. I kick at it with my dirty old Converse. When I look back up, Alex is still staring at me. He looks at me with an intense hazel gaze, his dark brown hair falling into his face. Even I can admit he’s an attractive man, with his big eyes and youthful face.

“What?” I ask.

His eyes are intense as he continues to stare at me. I’m starting to feel awkward under his scrutiny, as if I’m nothing but a germ underneath a microscope.

“Alex?”

In an instant his hands are on the side of my face, and his lips are on my mouth. His eyes are closed, but mine widen in shock. My hands ball into fists as they just hang out in the air. I don’t push him away, nor do I pull him more into the kiss. I don’t know what to do right now.

He backs away, his cheeks a bright red.

“I’m so sorry. I’m such a shit friend. I didn’t mean for that to happen… I’m just….”

“You’re just what?”

“I ran into Nikki before, and she already has a new boyfriend. She moved on that fast. She only broke up with me a few weeks ago, and she already found a new man. I really thought she and I had something special, but apparently not.”

I really hope he doesn’t cry. I can never handle when people cry. I feel bad, but then I don’t know how to respond. I usually end up rubbing their back like I would to a dog.

“I’m being really selfish, Jess. I’m so sorry. You don’t need to hear any of this. I can’t believe I just kissed you. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. You’re fine. Honest.” I look away from his eyes, not knowing if there is anything else I can say. I know Alex is bisexual, but there was never anything between us. He’s just confused with seeing Nikki. I know he isn’t attracted to me, but what the hell do I say after that?

To answer that: silence.

Neither one of us will look at the other. I know Alex, and I know in his mind he is sitting there thinking we need to talk about this. He’s always been one for sharing his feelings and talking—although sometimes he shares his feelings too much. I mean, it’s fine to talk about, but when the discussion of feelings comes around, then I start to get antsy in my seat. I just don’t want to feel like I’m being poked and prodded all the time like a circus animal, and when people want to discuss my emotions, that’s what it feels like for me.

“Maybe we should go,” I finally say.

“Yeah,” he responds.

The car ride is spent in more silence, and as I open my car door, he apologizes once more, and I just nod. His kiss still lingers on my lips, but it isn’t how I pictured kissing a guy would go. Alex is an attractive guy, and he’s my friend, but that is all he has ever been to me. Nikki must have really screwed him up bad….

I TAKE
an extra pill to fall asleep because my mind just won’t allow me to. My brain has this annoying habit of making me relive moments while I lie in bed,
trying
to get some sleep. I’m already at a pretty high dosage of Trazodone but ignore it when I swallow the extra 100 mg. I might regret it in the morning when I’m feeling sick to my stomach. Trazodone is good for sleep, but in the morning it’s impossible to wake up.

WAKING UP
the next morning is quite painful. I feel like I’m going to throw up, but I know it won’t happen. It’s like something is battling its way out of my stomach, but it’s being held back. It just keeps fighting and making me feel sicker.

Memories of yesterday seep into my mind, and I smile at the thought of Adam in his bow tie asking me out on the date, but then those are followed by the encounter with Alex.

I look at my phone, and I see I have four text messages: one from Tommy, one from Adam, and two from Alex.

Tommy:
yo we need to talk ASAP

Adam:
Good morning. : )

And finally Alex:
I’m so sorry for last night. We should talk.—Alex

And then, again from Alex:
Please don’t hate me.—Alex

I respond back to Tommy and Adam, but to Alex, I don’t know what to say, so I simply tell him I don’t hate him. I know it’s not a big deal, but it feels like it is. I just don’t want anything to ruin our friendship, and we’ve already gone through an awkward stage I would rather not repeat in life.

When we were seniors in high school, Alex and I had this really weird stage where he told me he had feelings for me; at least he thought he did. That was the only time in my life where I had to turn someone down, and I felt terrible about it. There was no spark for me. When you like someone, it should feel like there is a flame within you, and every time you touch or even anytime you just hear his name or think of him, it’s like the flame erupts and grows, setting your entire body on fire. When I see a text from Adam, it’s like my heart beats a thousand times faster, and it’s like my body is made out of bubbles, and I’m just floating through life.

That just never happened with Alex. He’s nice, and he’s not bad-looking, but he’s also one of my good friends—one of my only friends. I know I should talk to him again, but I just can’t bring myself to.

I feel the vibration of my phone, and when I see Adam’s name once again, I feel the flame inside my body.

THE DAY
goes by in a blur as I work in the bookshop and then head to therapy. Dad just drops me off and says he’ll pick me up later. In the waiting room I see Adam, and as we wait for Dr. Wheeler to call me into her office, we share sly smiles and cute glances. The session itself is boring, and I hardly speak, I think to the annoyance of my doctor. I just don’t know what to say. I started seeing Dr. Wheeler about a month ago, and this is still weird to me. In the hospital I had to talk to a few doctors, and I’m not good at sharing my feelings, even the good ones, so I feel bad for her. I really do. She tells me she wants to help me, but she also tells me I have to want to be helped.

The session comes to an end, and as I reach for the door, she says my name, and I look back at her. “I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.” I simply nod, and I walk out.

Adam gives me a smile, and I manage to muster up one back. I think he sees how painful my smile is, because right now it hurts. It hurts pretty bad. My doctor is right. I really want to get better… but am I getting better? Maybe I’m not doing the right thing by accepting his date? He should be with a guy who can actually be happy and who can treat him well. Someone who can just fucking smile without it hurting. I basically run out of the building, without a word to Adam.

Dad is outside, waiting in his car, and he asks how the session went, so I say my usual answer: “It went fine.”

At home we eat dinner, and I don’t really eat much, and Mom looks at me sadly. Dad just seems disappointed as usual. I feel my phone go off, and I leave the room to answer it.

“Yo.”

“Hey, Tommy.”

“I’m outside.”

Yeah, he has a habit of just showing up and not actually asking to hang out. I’ve just grown accustomed to it. It seems like he always knows when I’m home. I guess it’s because I don’t leave much.

TOMMY AND
I drive to the warehouse. I’ve had enough of this place in the past couple of days. Why can’t we find a new place to hang out and relax, like the twenty-four-hour diner or something? I think that is what the people here do for fun.

We sit down on our usual couches, and memories resurface from last night. I feel Alex’s lips once again, and my heart seems to claw at my chest, wanting to escape.

“Alex told me what happened.”

I nod. Alex is the opposite of me. He doesn’t let anything stew within him until everything comes to a boiling point and he explodes. No, he’s normal and rational and actually talks his feelings out with people. Many are shocked to learn this, but
sometimes
Tommy is a good guy to talk to.

“I knew he would. That’s Alex for you.”

“Is there anything you want to talk about?”

I shrug. “I don’t really know.”

“I just feel like there’s nothing I can do sometimes, and it sucks to watch your friend disappear. You
never
talk to me. I know I’m not that great at talking either, but it’s like sometimes you don’t even exist.”

I look away, feeling the guilt. He’s right. “I’m sorry.”

Tommy lets out a deep sigh and then a small laugh. “When we first met Alex, I actually thought you two would get together. I was kind of hoping it would happen.”

“Why?” I ask.

“I know how he used to have a crush on you, and because he’s a good guy, and you deserve a good guy. No matter what you think, you do deserve to have someone in your life, Jess. I just worry that you’re lonely sometimes. You never talk.”

I shrug.

“Why aren’t you with Alex?” Tommy asks, in a rare moment of compassion. He spends so much of his life hiding it away and pretending to be so tough. I like when he just shows his true feelings.

“I just don’t feel that way about him.”

“Are you lonely?”

“Yeah,” I answer truthfully. No point in lying. It’s not like I ever really hid the fact that I’m lonely. It is written all over my face.

“So why not Alex?”

“Yeah, it sucks to be so lonely all the time, but I guess it’s better to be lonely than to live a lie.”

Tommy just nods as if he understands. I’ve always been lonely, and I may always be lonely. But I’m never going to be with a guy just because I want to be with a guy. I’m going to be with a guy when I like him and I want to be with him, and when I know he won’t hurt me. Tommy tends to look for a girl to last the night, but he never wants to get to know any of them. I’m just not like that. I want something that lasts forever. I want someone like Adam.

I’m shocked when Tommy pulls me into a hug. At first, my arms hang flaccid at my sides, but then I reach up and wrap them awkwardly around him too. He does that manly thing guys do when they hug.

He lets me go and says, “Jess, no matter what, I’m here for you. I know I’m not good with all this emotional bullshit, but I really did worry about you back when you were in the hospital. I don’t want you to think I didn’t, okay?”

I nod, unable to find my words at Tommy’s emotional confession.

“Good. Now I want you to be happy. I really do. I know you’re going to be fine. You’re stronger than you think you are.”

There we go, another person telling me how strong I am. What does everyone see in me? Because I’m not seeing any of this courage or strength in me. I just see darkness and weakness.

“Thank you, Tommy,” I finally respond after my awkward attempt at a hug. We sit there in silence for what seems like another hour before he drives me home. As he pulls outside of my house, I start to open the door.

“Wait.”

I turn around, and I look into his jade-green eyes.

“I just don’t want you to go to that dark place again. Promise me, you won’t go back there.”

There is so much agony in his eyes as he pleads for me to stay. I nod and tell him that I’m trying. And I am, I really am trying. It’s just incredibly difficult, when the darkness is so strong and it’s pulling you away.

I watch Tommy drive away, taking in what happened tonight. Tommy opened up; he really opened up to me. I know that’s not an easy thing for him. I think his father taught him that emotion is weak, but I guess I kind of think the same way. Why else do I bottle up everything inside? Tommy’s father started drinking not long after Tommy’s mother died, and it all went downhill. Tommy never brings up his mom, and if you even mention her, he’ll change the subject. I have a theory that he is angry with her because he blames her for what his father does to him. He’s tried moving out, but he just doesn’t have the money, and the car garage he works at doesn’t pay enough for him to live on his own. If there is a God, he’s one fucked-up God. We must just be a giant game to him, kind of like
The Sims
, where he can just play around with us and make us do whatever he wants. He can kill whomever and hurt whomever he chooses, and I bet he gets sick satisfaction out of it. And people ask why I don’t believe in God.

The moment I’m inside my home, I send Adam an apology text, and he texts back instantly. I did run out of that office rather quick. I have a feeling he is one of those people who always has his phone on him and never leaves without it by his side.

For a while there, I thought I freaked you out when I asked you on a date.

Well, he did, but that he doesn’t need to know. He also doesn’t need to know I’m still freaking out.

No, you’re good, no freaking out from me
. I lie.

Good, so is everything okay?

Yeah.

And I guess I’m okay. I’m better, thanks to Tommy at least. Tommy is just trying to make sure I’m okay. I know he is, but this is all just so new to me. I’ve only been out of the hospital for a month now. I guess I need to talk to Alex sometime as well.

So I was thinking, are you free Friday night, if that isn’t too short notice?

Here’s where everything comes down to it: do I give into my feelings and say yes? Or do I turn to my fear and say no? Right now both options sound lovely. But I think of his soft lips and his effervescent personality, and I know what direction my heart leans toward. Just the thought of him allows my heart to skip a beat.

I am. I’m done with work at 6pm.

I really hope I don’t regret this. Please, please don’t let me get attached.

Swell :) I’ll pick you up at 8pm! I remember your address.

I laugh as he sends a second text very quickly afterward, which states:
That wasn’t supposed to sound so stalkerish, I swear.