The Red Thread (17 page)

“P-perfect.”

I sit at the table and watch him cook. When I offer him my help, he says he doesn’t want an amateur to ruin a master at his work. It’s funny; sometimes he can be quite cocky.

As we eat, the kitchen is full of our chatter and giggles. I can’t stop my smile because this morning is honestly perfect. A man could really get used to a life like this. To wake up with Adam every morning would be a dream. Most people say dreams don’t come true, and I have always been one of them, but this is a dream I’m hoping does come true.

Adam is my new dream.

“WHY HAVEN’T
we ever hung out?”

I look up from my spot behind the cash register to see Jill standing there with her newly dyed hot-pink hair, which has now been cut into a short pixie cut. That’s the funny thing about Jill; you never know what she’ll look like. She is always changing her hair, so you never know the style or color she’ll come in with next. I once asked her why she does this, and she gave me one simple answer:
Life is fun with some mystery.

“I don’t know. Do you want to hang out?”

“Yeah. I do.”

Honestly I never really thought about it. Are Jill and I friends? We talk a lot when we’re working, and I do always love when she is here. Laurie is cool too, but she’s not the kind of girl someone would
want
to hang out with. She’s so quiet that she disappears into her surroundings. But then again, I’m not exactly the most talkative person either. The only reason people know who I am is because of the small love affair I had with a blade, and gossip travels fast.

“Yeah. Let’s hang out, then.”

This might be the most awkward plan making in the history of the universe. But then again, I haven’t met any aliens out there; so maybe for them it’s always awkward. Or maybe it’s just me making the situation awkward. I can’t help but think of what Adam would do. He would probably smile that big smile of his, the one that shows too much teeth. He’d probably bounce around and start making plans on the spot. How does he do that? I wish I could be like that, happy and light and free.

So I do what Adam would do and I put up a smile and add, “It’ll be fun.” I don’t want to make it sound like I’m going through torture to hang out with her. I like the girl, I really do. I just hardly know her. She’s never been more than the feisty girl with the weird hair I work with. The only friends I really have right now are Tommy and Alex. Why not make some more?

That is what healthy, sane people do. They make friends and hang out. I want to be one of those healthy, sane people. Adam deserves that, but I think I do too. I deserve to be happy and sane, right? I want to think I do.

I recite my number, and I watch as she plugs it into her phone.

“Saved.”

Jill is smiling, and she brushes her hand through her
very short
hair, the many silver bracelets on her wrist jangling together, sounding like a wind chime outside someone’s house. I hear the door open.

“Hi th-th-there.”

I can’t stop the smile from blooming, and I turn around to see Adam. He is bundled up in a peacoat and scarf. The late November air is quite brisk today.

“Hi.”

He seems to be feeling better, judging by how he looks. He goes to hug me, but I’ve never actually been with Adam in front of people I know. As weird as that sounds, it’s kind of awkward for Adam to hug me in front of Jill. I see the growing smirk on her face, as I finally become a normal human being and I hug him back.

“So is this your boyfriend, Jess?”

Not even Tommy or Alex knows about him. My family saw a passing glance of him, but they were never actually introduced to him.

I back away from Adam, and as I look up at his confused look, I know I shouldn’t feel awkward about this… but I just do. I’m a private person, and I don’t like anyone really knowing about the intimate details of my life.

“Yeah,” I sheepishly answer.

He goes to grab my hand, but I move both my hands into my pockets. He looks down, and I can see the rejection in his eyes.

“I-I’m going to, to, um, l-l-look around….”

He walks toward the aisles of the bookshop, leaving me alone with Jill and my regret.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah….”

“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re like a total catch.”

“I am?”

How does she see that? She obviously doesn’t know me at all.

“Well, duh. You’re totally adorable. You have the whole sexy brooding thing going on, plus your dark hair really compliments your pale skin… and do I even need to start on your eyes? You might as well have sapphires in your eye sockets.”

“Are you complimenting me or trying to ask me out? I don’t really go for girls, Jill. Sorry.”

“You’re not my type, skinny boy. I like a guy with a few more piercings and tattoos. Now go find your boy….”

“Adam.”

“Go find your boy, Adam.”

I nod and walk through the small labyrinth of bookshelves until I find him in the music section looking at songs he can play on the violin. Where else would he be, of course?

“Adam… hey.”

“Hey. J-Jess, be honest. Are, are, are you n-n-not okay with us, um, d-d-dating?”

“I’m okay. I’m
more
than okay. I’m just not used to it. I just need to learn how to be a boyfriend, because I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend before.”

I’ve always thought it would be so simple to be someone’s boyfriend. You just are together, and that is it. But there are so many factors that come into play, and one thing to not be is an awkward dork, that’s for sure.

“I’m sorry for being crazy,” I whisper.

“H-hey, don’t s-s-s-s-s-s-say that. You-you’re not. I l-l-like you.”

He wraps his arms around me, and he bends down to place a kiss on my lips. It’s a good thing his arms are around my waist because I would definitely not be able to stand up right now. I’d turn into a puddle on the floor.

“I’ll let you w-w-work. T-text me, me later.”

“Will do.”

I watch him walk out the door, and Jill goes “D’aww.” I give her the middle finger before blowing her a kiss, and she just laughs.

“You wish, boy, you wish.”

“No, I really don’t.”

Well, if I was into girls, maybe. She is a cool girl, I guess. Work goes on by, and when Peter comes out of his office, he walks right past us and leaves the building.

“I’m pretty sure the boss isn’t legally allowed to do that.”

“Probably not,” I agree.

“What do you think his problem is?”

“He’s an alcoholic,” I answer. It’s pretty obvious.

“Duh, I mean
why
is he that way?”

I shrug. “I have no clue.”

A part of me would love to know, but honestly most of me would rather stay in the dark about it all. I don’t want to get to know Peter. I have my own issues to worry about; I don’t want to see his as well. I know that makes me sound terrible, but it’s the truth. I just don’t care to know about Peter’s problems. He’s just a dumb alcoholic. Nothing more.

“I swear I’ll find out one day, even if it is the last thing I ever do.” She almost sounds maniacal as she says this. Maybe she’s a cheesy villain from a terrible action movie. If I learn she’s trying to take over the world, I would not be shocked. I only hope that she spares me. I’d totally work as her henchman.

Peter comes back in with a bottle of whiskey, and I feel only disgust. No pity. I never feel pity. Jill sympathetically shakes her head and says he’s a poor man. I don’t know what she sees because all I see is a pathetic old man.

When work finishes, Jill and I close up, and Peter walks home, mumbling to himself. She offers me a ride home, but I tell her I’ll just walk. The night isn’t as bitter as usual.

Walking home, I take notice of all the houses decorated with many colorful lights for Christmas. I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s that time of year. It just hasn’t been on my mind. What is it about Christmas that makes everyone go crazy? Many say it’s because it’s a time of year for families and friends to be close with one another. To that I call bullshit. It’s all materialistic garbage. People love the holiday because they love to get stuff from others. Granted, I love getting presents too, but I at least admit it and don’t pretend I love Christmas for the
togetherness
.

Am I supposed to get Adam something? I didn’t get my family anything, but that was because they told me not to. But Adam, this is our first, maybe of many? Christmases together… so I feel I should get him a little something.

But now I just feel guilty for wanting to buy Adam something when I didn’t even get my family anything. Once again, I must ask what is wrong with me? In this time leading up to Christmas, maybe I’ll be like one of those crazy last-minute shoppers, and do some crazy last-minute shopping.

As I come up to our undecorated house, I pull out my key and unlock my door. My family has never really been one for decorations. I know my mom and sister always want to every year, but my father doesn’t want to be left with the hassle of cleaning up. He thinks it is a waste of time. I would usually agree, but that was depressed-single-lonely-angry-bitter Jess. Now I am taken-somewhat-happier Jess. A couple of Christmas lights could be nice.

What exactly does one get for their boyfriend? I think maybe a sweater, but I quickly push that idea away. I want to keep away from adding
shirts
to his wardrobe, when he looks perfectly fine without them. I’ll think of something. I never was a fan of the holiday, even as a kid. Depression just never makes anything fun.

As I curl up into bed, I grab my phone, and I want to text Adam, but I have to text someone else first.

Hey Tommy, are you okay? I haven’t heard from you.

The truth is, I haven’t heard from Tommy since that night. I texted him the next day, but heard nothing. I decided he needed room to just breathe and feel better, but that turned into a few days, and I still haven’t heard from him. If he doesn’t answer, I’m going to stop by his house tomorrow.

I text Alex as well, who instantly responds.

No, I haven’t seen him either. His father did a number on him this time?—Alex

Yeah.

I wish I could help him.—Alex

Me too.

I feel guilty knowing that Tommy is going through such hardship, and yet here I am finding something good with Adam. I feel as if I’m being selfish, like I should be unhappy with him too. Tommy deserves happiness in his life.

I’m going to go see him tomorrow. You want to come too?

Yes, please—Alex
, he responds pretty quickly.

I’ll text you when I leave. I’m going before work.

Thank you.—Alex

I never know why he always ends every text with his name. I’ve constantly reminded him he doesn’t need to do that because the ID on my phone tells me who it is, but he still does it anyway. I wish him good night and then text the other person, the one that just won’t leave my mind. The one who brings a smile to my face every time I think of him.

Hello Adam!

JESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Happy to hear from me?

YES!!!

You’re funny.

You’re cute
, he responds.

This time I don’t freak out. Well, if I did, my family would just think I lost it again because I’m alone in my room, and they would think I was screaming at nothing. At least there are no uncontrollable tears. That got annoying before the hospital. If there is one thing I hate more than anything, it’s crying.

Shut up.

And there you are with your beautiful lovely sentiments as usual. I like you too :P

Dork.

You like me! :)

Shut up.

Jesse Holbrooke liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkeeeeeesssssssssss me!

How can someone so immature be so cute? That must be one of the mysteries of life. Also, how can he be twenty-two years old? He is more like twelve.

I do and I’m questioning why right now.

:(

I SAID I like you!

Oh…. Very true! :D

This goes on for the rest of the night. Nothing life-changing is said. Just some fun and romantic banter back and forth. It eases my mind, and it’s just nice to do something that makes me forget about everything else. I was never much of a flirter, but I definitely like this flirting. When we finish, he tells me to have sweet dreams and that he can’t wait to talk more again tomorrow. I realize that we haven’t gone a day without speaking or texting one another since we switched numbers. It’s kind of amazing. Neither one of us is bored of the other; well, he isn’t bored of me yet. But what if he starts to get bored of me? What happens to me, then?

There goes my mind once again trying to sabotage my own happiness. Can’t my mind just shut up for once? I grab the only thing that can shut my mind up: my pills. I swallow them, and soon I’m off to bed.

THE NEXT
morning I wake up early to shower and get dressed and I text Alex to let him know I’m ready. Soon I hear his car pull up outside, and I’m sitting in his passenger seat. We say our hellos, and we’re off. The car is silent as I’m sure all his thoughts are on Tommy right now. Maybe I should tell him about Adam? That’s what normal people do with their friends. They tell their friends about their boyfriends, right? I want to be normal.

“So, I met a guy,” I say.

“Oh, is that so?” he asks. He has a small smile on his lips. A part of me wants to tell him, but another part wants to keep Adam just to myself. I want him to be my own little secret that no one needs to know. I also don’t want to be that annoying guy who always talks about their boyfriend nonstop.

“If you don’t want to hear about it, it’s okay.”

“No, tell me. You can’t spring that on a guy and then not go on with the story.”