The Reason I Stay (41 page)

I groan, but yes, I do.

“Why didn’t he want anyone to tell me?”

Tanie shrugs, and with a smile on her face, goes back to her wedding favors. “You’ll have to ask him that. I love you, Lex, and because of that I’m keeping my bridal nose out of this. If you want to know about him, you’ll have to go straight to the source.”

“If he was willing to back out of his best friend’s wedding, I’m pretty sure the source wants nothing to do with me anymore. I fucked up really bad, Tan. You should have seen him when he left the diner. It was heartbreaking.”

Despite the lack of funny in this moment, Tanie laughs, and throws a little heart-shaped tin at my face. “You’re such a deaf dork.”

I narrow my eyes at the weird insult, which makes her laugh more. Then, with a raised brow, she explains. “I said that he wanted to bail so
you
could have a good time at the wedding. Of course he’s heartbroken that you wouldn’t talk to him. I would be, too. But do you know what the best thing about screwing up with someone who’s trying to make up for their own screw up is?”

I shake my head. Tanie reaches for my hand, and looks at me with sympathetic eyes.

“They understand that it is human nature to screw up every now and then, and for that reason, they’re very forgiving. What you need to know is if you can and want to forgive him, and give you guys another shot.”

Snow jumps up to my lap. I pet her soft fur, and I think about that for way less time than I thought I would before replying. “I miss him, a lot. Seeing him was painful, and wonderful, and made me think that I do.” My voice breaks and Tanie squeezes my fingers as I drift my gaze to my cat for a second. After a sigh, I look back at her and continue, “But I’m scared, Tan. How can I trust that he won’t lie, and break my heart again?”

“You just decide to.” She shrugs. “There’s no way that we can know how our hearts will be broken, or by whom. You and I know that better than anyone. We went out to a club once and our best friend died. Ship happens in life all the time—there’s no logic or plan to that. So yeah, he may break your heart again, but the chances of that are no higher than the ones of Eric getting a mistress and breaking mine.”

I trace the rough lines on the wooden tabletop with a fingernail as I process Tanie’s words, and Snow meows as if she agrees, making me smile.

“Life is chaos, and all we can control is how happy we are in our little mess. I can’t tell you what to do, Lexie. I don’t know if you should forgive or forget. But I know that in the twenty years I’ve known you, you’ve never been happier than when your mess included him. I also know that for the past four months you’ve been hurting, and that pain won’t go away unless you stop being such a chicken-ship about this and go talk to him.” She finally lets go of my hand and goes back to the favors.

“You need to find out what your heart wants and from then on whatever decision you make will be the right one.
That
I guarantee you.”

I look at her in awe and gratitude for a moment. She steals a quick glance back at me and points her nose to the tins we still have to finish. Without another word about it, we go back to our task and normal conversation. For the first time in months, I feel light and hopeful.

I
stand in front of the little white church, and look at its open double doors.
This is a really awful idea.

The thought is recurrent, and has plagued me since I left The Jukebox over a week ago. As much as I love Eric and Tanie, and as excited as I am about being by his side on his big day—as he’s been by mine for the past four and a half months—I’m also dreading every second that will come.

Although I tried to explain to them many times that my presence here will make Lexie uncomfortable and ruin their day, they’re both too stubborn to pay attention, and so refused to get another best man for the wedding. According to Eric, things will work out. According to Tanie, I’ll be Pedro-less if I don’t suck it up and do my duties for my best friend. So, in order to save Pedro, here I am, at the appointed church at the appointed time, with my hair combed, jaw shaved, and in a blue button-down and my best pair of khaki trousers, ready for an afternoon and evening of pure awkward torture.

I take a deep, and climb the little set of steps leading up to the church hall. Voices and laughs buzz from the inside, and the closer I get from the sanctuary the clearer one voice in particular gets. It makes my recurring thought ring louder in my mind, because,
this is a really fucking awful idea.

But it’s for Eric.

That thought becomes my mantra, and gives me strength to steel my shoulders, put a smile on my face, and walk inside.

Although I’m vaguely aware that the bride and groom and their families are here, as soon as I pass the threshold all I see is Lexie. She walks down the aisle, pretending to scatter petals on the floor with Kodee and the two younger Wolf girls. Although I only get a back view of her, she makes me breathless.

She’s wearing the strapless dress she wore on our first official date. Her golden hair is pulled in a side bun that leaves her upper back, neck, and shoulders in full display for my greedy eyes. My whole body buzzes with an almost desperate need to go touch her, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her. But, after my failed attempt last week, I know I can’t. And that’s how the torture begins.

All of a sudden a loud, shrieked version of “Mad” echoes in the church. My eyes move from Lexie to her goddaughter, who runs in my direction, making her blue dress sway around her. I kneel on the floor just in time to be tackled down by Kodee.

“Sup, monkey?” I hug her back.

“Did you hear? We’re playing against the Dragons in the final. They’re
good
, Mad.”

I chuckle. “Coach Rick called me yesterday, but don’t worry, kid. We’re way better.” She gives me her trademark sassy smile that is just waiting for more compliments. I shake my head. “And we’ve got you and Brass, our unbeatable duo.”

She giggles as Brass approaches. I high five both girls before they run off being silly in the way only they know how. When I get up from the floor, Lexie is standing just a few feet from me, looking like an angel, and I almost lose my shit.

I fill my lungs with air, and command my voice to be less pathetic than I feel. “Hey.”

Lexie smiles at me, and takes a step in my direction. My brows furrow as I see her arms moving toward me in slow motion. A million things go through my head at once, but as her arms swing around my neck for a hug, all noise is muted.

Shockwaves travel down my spine as I curl my arms around her middle, returning the embrace. I close my eyes, and lose myself in the scent of honey and vanilla, and in the gentle touch of her fingers on my neck. I feel her relax beneath my fingers. Every single part of my body lives and dies a little bit at the contact.

With a sigh she releases her fingers from me, and reluctantly I let her go as well. She takes half a step back, causing us to stand farther away than I’d like, but way closer than we should.

“Hey.”

Stupidly, I repeat, “Hey.”

Lexie looks away from me for a second. When her gaze returns, she’s got a shy little smile on her lips. “So, you’re still the assistant coach?”

I run a hand through my hair and blink a couple of times, trying to focus on her words, and not on my desperate need to pull her close again. It takes a while for my brain to start to work, but when it does, I stuff my hands in my pockets to keep them from touching her again.

I clear my throat to answer her question. “Yeah, Kodee wouldn’t let me quit. Besides, RL&G is now sponsoring them. We’ve become the envy of the league, since as the
Rosies,
the girls get to play in bright pink shirts. Rick’s not loving it so much, though.”

Lexie laughs—the snorted laugh—and I fidget uncomfortably from one foot to the other.

“I may have to go to the final to see you and Big Rick in pink shirts. Must be a priceless sight.”

The combination of her words, and the way her gorgeous green eyes are fixed on mine, I get the distinct impression that she’s flirting, which would make my life good for the first time in months. But after our encounter last week I know that she wants nothing to do with me, which means she’s just being nice to prevent an uncomfortable mess at the wedding. Even though putting on this show feels like medieval fucking torture to me, I play along for everyone’s sake.

“The game will be next Saturday at eleven at the school’s field. We’d love to have you there.”

She beams. “It’s a date.”

Physical pain follows that word, and its alternate meaning.
I need to get out of here now.

“Awesome.” I smile, and point my chin toward Eric. “I should go say hi to the groom.”

Lexie’s expression changes, and her shoulders sag a little, but she keeps her smile on. “Yeah . . . of course. We’ll talk later?”

I pull my hand out of my pocket, and run it over my hair. “Sure,” I say before walking away.

Honestly, I don’t think I could be more puzzled if I saw a group of aliens dressed like pirates doing a burlesque dance. I’ll obviously talk to her if she wants me to. Hell, I’d walk barefoot over hot coals if she asked, but just last week she seemed to need some space. Unless I imagined that, in which case I should go to the doctor, because I’ve gone and lost my mind.

With a colossal effort to keep myself together, I greet Tanie, the rest of the Wolf women and Eric’s mom as I walk by them on my way to the altar where the men are talking. Eric is the first to greet me, with a grin the size of Alabama and wiggling brows.

“Two minutes into this thing and y’all are already cozy and talking. Still think this was a bad idea, Matt?”

I roll my eyes. “Two minutes into this thing and we’ve exhausted one of three neutral non-awkward subjects we have, and I’m inches away from losing my shit. Yes, this is a fucking terrible idea, but it’s for you, man.”

He laughs, and I shake my head as the boys resume their conversation. I slip back into my mind, trying to find confirmation that the events I think happened actually did. I make some progress on that front, but then the rest of the wedding party arrives, and we finally start the rehearsal.

For the most part, it consists of us walking and standing with a few pauses to fake-listen to the minister and fake-pray, which is simple enough. But, as the maid of honor and best man, Lexie and I are in charge of handing the rings to the bride and groom.

Although the task seems simple in theory, this wedding is supposed to be
very personal
—whatever that means—and therefore, simply handing Eric the ring isn’t good enough. I should smile wilder and give my friend a little pat on the back to show my enthusiasm. Since my acting skills suck, and I’m not doing any of that, Georgia Wolf forces us to rehearse it three times, which is just stupid if you ask me.

But that’s until Lexie starts to chuckle, and tease me from across the altar. She gives me crooked smiles, and raised brows, and wipes fake tears, and somehow it’s like the last four months never existed, and we’re back at being us. That feeling gives some extra fuel to my performance.

I look Eric in the eyes, clasp his shoulder with intent, and even mouth
congratulations
at the happy couple as I respectfully wink at the blushing bride. When I step back to my spot, Lexie is clapping, and laughing, and making my palms sweat. When it’s her turn, I raise a brow, challenging her to do better, and because she does every single thing better than me, she doesn’t disappoint. She gives Tanie a face-splitting smile and a loaded gaze before delivering a kiss to her cheek. Georgia claps and compliments her on the first try, which earns me a smug smile from Lexie.