The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (8 page)

BIRDBOOT
: I’m not talking about last night!

CYNTHIA
: Indeed? Well, you deal, Felicity. Simon, you help me with the sofa.

BIRDBOOT
(
to
MOON
): Did you see that? Tried to kill me. I told you it was Magnus—not that it
is
Magnus.

MOON
: Who did it, you mean?

BIRDBOOT
: What?

MOON
: You think it’s not Magnus who did it?

BIRDBOOT
: Get a grip on yourself, Moon—the facts are staring
you in the face. He’s after Cynthia for one thing.

MAGNUS
: It’s Gascoyne, isn’t it?

BIRDBOOT
: Over my dead body!

MAGNUS
: If he comes between us...

MOON
(
angrily
): For God’s sake sit down!

CYNTHIA
: Simon!

BIRDBOOT
: She needs me, Moon. I’ve got to make up a four. (
CYNTHIA
and
BIRDBOOT
move the sofa as before, and they all sit at the table
.)

CYNTHIA
: Right! Who starts?

MAGNUS
: I do. I’ll dummy for a no-bid ruff and double my holding on South’s queen. (
While he moves cards
.)

CYNTHIA
. Did I hear you say you saw Felicity last night, Simon?

BIRDBOOT
: Er—er——

FELICITY
: Pay twenty-ones or trump my contract. (
Discards
.) Cynthia’s turn.

CYNTHIA
: I’ll trump your contract with five dummy no-trumps there (
discards
), and I’ll move West’s rook for the re-bid with a banker ruff on his second trick there. (
Discards
.) Simon?

BIRDBOOT
: Would you mind doing that again?

CYNTHIA
: And I’ll ruff your dummy with five no-bid trumps there,(
discards
) and I support your re-bid with a banker for the solo ruff in the dummy trick there, (
discards
.)

BIRDBOOT
(
standing up and throwing down his cards
): And I call your bluff!

CYNTHIA
: Well done, Simon!
(
MAGNUS
pays
BIRDBOOT
while
CYNTHIA
deals
.)

FELICITY
: Strange how Simon appeared in the neighbourhood from nowhere, we know so little about him.

CYNTHIA
: Right, Simon, it’s your opening on the minor bid. Hmm. Let’s see. I think I’ll overbid the spade convention with two no-trumps and King’s gambit offered there—(
discards
) and West’s dummy split double to Queen’s Bishop four there!

MAGNUS
(
as he plays cards
): Faites vos jeux. Rien ne va plus. Rouge et noir. Zero.

CYNTHIA
: Simon?

BIRDBOOT
(
triumphant, leaping to his feet
) And I call your bluff!

CYNTHIA
(
imperturbably):
I meld.

FELICITY
: I huff.

MAGNUS
: I ruff.

BIRDBOOT
: I bluff.

CYNTHIA
: Twist.

FELICITY
: Bust.

MAGNUS
. Check.

BIRDBOOT
: Snap.

CYNTHIA
: How’s that?

FELICITY
: Not out

MAGNUS
: Double top.

BIRDBOOT
: Bingo!

CYNTHIA
: No! Simon—your luck’s in tonight.

FELICITY
: We shall see—the night is not over yet, Simon
Gascoyne! (
She quickly exits
.)

BIRDBOOT
(
looking after
FELICITY
): Red herring—smell it a mile off. (
To
MAGNUS
.) Oh, yes, she’s as clean as a whistle, I’ve seen it a thousand times. And I’ve seen you before too, haven’t I? Strange—there’s something about you——

MAGNUS
: Care for a spin round the rose garden, Cynthia?

CYNTHIA
: No, Magnus, I must talk to Simon.

BIRDBOOT
: There’s nothing for you there, you know.

MAGNUS
: You think so?

BIRDBOOT
: Oh, yes, she knows which side her bread is buttered. I am a man not without a certain influence among those who would reap the limelight—she’s not going to throw me over for a heavily disguised cripple.

MAGNUS
. There’s an old Canadian proverb——

BIRDBOOT
: Don’t give me that—I tumbled to you right from the start—oh, yes, you chaps are not as clever as you think.... Sooner or later you make your mistake.... Incidentally, where was it I saw you?... I’ve definitely——

MAGNUS
(
leaving
): Well, I think I’ll go and oil my gun. (
Exit
.)

BIRDBOOT
(
after
MAGNUS
): Double bluff!—(
to
CYNTHIA
) I’ve seen it a thousand times.

CYNTHIA
: I think Magnus suspects something. And Felicity? Simon, was there anything between you and Felicity?

BIRDBOOT
: No, no—that’s all over now. I merely flattered her a a little over a drink, told her she’d go far, that sort of thing. Dear me, the fuss that’s been made over a simple flirtation——

CYNTHIA
(
as
MRS. DRUDGE
enters behind
): If I find you have falsely seduced me from my dear husband Albert, I will kill you, Simon Gascoyne!
(
The
“CURTAIN”
as before
,
MRS. DRUDGE
and
CYNTHIA
leave
,
BIRDBOOT
starts to follow them
.)

MOON
:
Birdboot!
(
BIRDBOOT
stops
.)

MOON
: For God’s sake pull yourself together.

BIRDBOOT
: I can’t help it.

MOON
: What do you think you’re doing? You’re turning it into a complete farce!

BIRDBOOT
: I know, I know—but I can’t live without her. (
He is making erratic neurotic journeys about the stage
.) I shall resign my position, of course. I don’t care I’m a gonner, I tell you——(
He has arrived at the body. He looks at it in surprise, hesitates, bends and turns it over
.)

MOON
: Birdboot, think of your family, your friends—your high standing the world of letters—I say, what are you doing? (
BIRDBOOT
is staring at the body’s face
.)
Birdboot... leave it alone. Come and sit down—what’s the matter with you?

BIRDBOOT
(
dead-voiced
): It’s Higgs.

MOON
: What?

BIRDBOOT
: It’s Higgs.
(
Pause
.)

MOON
: Don’t be silly.

BIRDBOOT
: I tell you it’s Higgs!
(
MOON
half rises. Bewildered
.)
I don’t understand.... He’s dead.

MOON
: Dead?

BIRDBOOT
: Who would want to...?

MOON
: He must have been lying there all the time....

BIRDBOOT
: … kill Higgs?

MOON
: But what’s he doing here? I was standing in tonight....

BIRDBOOT
(
turning
): Moon?...

MOON
(
in wonder, quietly
): So it’s me and Puckeridge now.

BIRDBOOT
:
Moon …?

MOON
(
faltering
): But I swear I....

BIRDBOOT
: I’ve got it——

MOON
: But I didn’t——

BIRDBOOT
(
quietly
): My God … so that was it … (
Up
.) Moon—now I see——

MOON
:—I swear I didn’t——

BIRDBOOT
: Now—finally—I see it all——
(
There is a shot and
BIRDBOOT
falls dead
.)

MOON
: Birdboot! (
He runs on, to
BIRDBOOT’J
body
.) (
CYNTHIA
appears at the french windows. She stops and stares. All as before
.)

CYNTHIA
: Oh my God—what happened, Inspector?

MOON
(
almost to himself
): He’s dead.... (
He rises
.) That’s a bit rough, isn’t it?—A bit extreme!—He may have had his faults—I admit he was a fickle old … Who did this, and why? (
MOON
turns to face her. He stands up and makes swiftly for his seat. Before he gets there he is stopped by the sound of voices
.)
(
SIMON
and
HOUND
are occupying the critics’ seats
.)
(
MOON
freezes
.)

SIMON
: To say that it is without pace, point, focus, interest, drama, wit or originality is to say simply that it does not happen to be my cup of tea. One has only to compare this ragbag with the masters of the genre to see that here we have a trifle that is not my cup of tea at all.

HOUND
: I’m sorry to be blunt but there is no getting away from
it. It lacks pace. A complete ragbag.

SIMON
: I will go further. Those of you who were fortunate
enough to be at the Comedie Française on Wednesday last, will not need to be reminded that hysterics are no substitute for
éclat

HOUND
: It lacks
élan
.

SIMON
: Some of the cast seem to have given up acting altogether, apparently aghast, with every reason, at finding themselves involved in an evening that would, and indeed will, make the angels weep.

HOUND
: I am not a prude but I fail to see any reason for the shower of filth and sexual allusion foisted on to an unsuspecting public in the guise of modernity at all costs.... (
Behind
MOON, FELICITY, MAGNUS
and
MRS. DRUDGE
have
made their entrances, so that he turns to face their semicircle
.)

MAGNUS
(
pointing to
BIRDBOOT’s
body
): Well, Inspector, is this your man?

MOON
(
warily
):... Yes … Yes....

CYNTHIA
: It’s Simon...

MOON
: Yes... yes... poor … (
Up
.) Is this some kind of a joke?

MAGNUS
: If it is, Inspector, it’s in very poor taste. (
MOON
pulls himself together and becomes galvanic, a little wild, in grief for
BIRDBOOT
.)

MOON
: All right! I’m going to find out who did this! I want everyone to go to the positions they occupied when the shot was fired—(
they move; hysterically
): No one will leave the house! (
They move back
.)

MAGNUS
: I think we all had the opportunity to fire the shot,
Inspector——

MOON
(
furious
): I am not——

MAGNUS
:—but which of us would want to?