The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (14 page)

HARRIS
: (
nastily
) So the crime to which you have accused us of being accessories never in fact took place!

FOOT
: That is the position, but before you start congratulating yourself, you still have to explain the incredible and suggestive behaviour witnessed by Constable Holmes through your window.

HARRIS
: The activities in this room today have broadly speaking been of a mundane and domestic nature bordering on cliché. Police Constable Holmes obviously has an imagination as fervid and treacherous as your own. If he’s found a shred, of evidence to back it up then get him in here and let’s see it.

FOOT
: Very well! (
Calls
.) Holmes!

THELMA
: Inspector, the bulb, we need the bulb.
(
MOTHER
hops over to the wooden chair by the wall, in order to pick it up, though we never see her complete the action
,
FOOT
’
s attention is still on
HARRIS
.)

FOOT
: But bear in mind that my error was merely one of interpretation, and whatever did happen in Ponsonby Place this afternoon, your story contains a simple but revealing
mistake which clearly indicates that your so-called alibi is a tissue of lies.

HARRIS
: What do you mean?

FOOT
: You claimed that your witness was a blind one-legged musician.

HARRIS
: Roughly speaking.

FOOT
: You are obviously unaware that a blind man
cannot stand on one leg
!

HARRIS
: Rubbish!

FOOT
: It is impossible to keep one’s sense of balance for more than a few seconds, and if you don’t believe me, try it!
(
Black-out as
FOOT
extracts the bulb
.)

HARRIS
: I will!

MOTHER
: Over here, Inspector.
(
In the darkness, which for these few seconds should be total
,
HARRIS
begins to count, slowly and quietly to himself. But it is
FOOT
’
s voice that must be isolated
.)

FOOT
: The sudden silence as I enter the canteen will be more than I can bear …

MOTHER
: Here we are.

FOOT
: The worst of it is, if I’d been up a few minutes earlier I could have cracked the case and made the arrest before the station even knew about it.

MOTHER
: I’ll need the sock.

FOOT
: I’d been out with the boys from C Division till dawn, and left my car outside the house, thinking that I’d move it to a parking meter before the wardens came round—in my position one has to set an example, you know. Well, I woke up late and my migraine was giving me hell and my bowels were so bad I had to stop half way through shaving, and I never gave the traffic warden a thought till I glanced out of the window and saw your car pulling away from the only parking space in the road. I flung down my razor and rushed into the street, pausing only to grab my wife’s handbag containing the small change and her parasol to keep off the rain——

MOTHER
: You won’t mind if I have my practice now, will you?

FOOT
: I got pretty wet because I couldn’t unfurl the damned
thing, and I couldn’t move fast because in my haste to pull up my pyjama trousers I put both feet into the same leg. So after hopping about a bit and nearly dropping the handbag into various puddles, I just thought to hell with it all and went back in the house. My wife claimed I’d broken her new white parasol, and when I finally got out of there I had a parking ticket. I can tell you it’s just been one bitch of a day.

MOTHER
: Lights!

THELMA
: At last.
(
The central light comes on and the effect is much brighter. The light has been turned on by
HOLMES
,
who stands rooted in the doorway with his hand still on the switch.
The row on the table reads from left to right:
(1)
MOTHER
,
standing on her good foot only, on the wooden chair which is placed on the table; a woollen sock on one hand; playing the tuba
.
(2)
Lightshade, slowly descending towards the table
.
(3)
FOOT
,
with one bare foot, sunglasses, eating banana
.
(4)
Fruit basket, slowly ascending
.
(5)
HARRIS
,
gowned, blindfolded with a cushion cover over his head, arms outstretched, on one leg, counting
.
THELMA
,
in underwear, crawling around the table, scanning the floor and sniffing
,
HOLMES
recoils into paralysis
.)

FOOT
: Well, Constable, I think you owe us all an explanation.
(
The lampshade descends inexorably as the music continues to play; when it touches the table-top, there is no more light. Alternatively, the lampshade could disappear down the horn of the tuba
.)

To Ed Berman

Dirty Linen
was supposed to be a play to celebrate Ed Berman’s British naturalization, but it went off in a different direction—
New-Found-Land
was then written to re-introduce the American Connection.

Ed Berman, an expatriate American, founded Inter-Action, a charitable trust aiming to stimulate community involvement in the arts, in 1968. He now works as the Artistic Director of Inter-Action Productions (including the Ambiance Lunch-Hour Theatre Club, the Almost Free Theatre, the Fun Art Bus and the Dogg’s Troupe). Not coincidentally like the American seeking British naturalization in
New-Found-Land
and like other members of Inter-Action’s co-operative, he divides his time between the production company and work in schools, youth clubs, mental hospitals, community centres, playgrounds, remand homes and the streets. Most of his time is now spent as Programme Director of Inter-Action Trust, creating new community arts and action projects such as City Farms 1 in Kentish Town, and youth employment programmes. He still manages to direct some ten plays a year, mainly for children’s and community theatre, and to perform in two hundred-odd shows. Ed Berman became a British subject on 5th April 1976, the date of the first public showing
of Dirty Linen
and
New-Found-Land
.

TOM STOPPARD
1976

Characters
MADDIE
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE, M.P.
MCTEAZLE, M.P.
CHAMBERLAIN, M.P.
WITHENSHAW, M.P
. (the
CHAIRMAN)
MRS. EBURY, M.P.
FRENCH, M.P.
HOME SECRETARY

The first performances of
Dirty Linen
and
New-Found-Land
were an Ambiance Lunch-Hour Theatre Club presentation at Inter-Action’s Almost Free Theatre, Rupert Street, London WI, on 6th April 1976. The cast was as follows:

Dirty Linen

New-Found-Land

Directed by Ed Berman

Designed by Gabriella Falk

Production Management and lighting by Suresa Galbraith

Administration by Martin Turner

Stage Management by Robin Hornibrook and Brenda Lipson

Wardrobe by Carol Betera

The plays transferred to the Arts Theatre on 16th June 1976 with the following cast changes:

An overspill meeting room for House of Commons business in the tower of Big Ben. A committee table with chairs for everybody; separate table with good slammable drawers for
MADDIE;
large blackboard on easel; shelves of files and books, with portable steps; and two doors
.

Ultimately the characters will be seated in the following order, left to right from the audience’s point of view:
FRENCH, CHAMBERLAIN, COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE, WITHENSHAW
(
centre)
,
MRS. EBURY, MCTEAZLE,
and
MADDIE
at separate desk.

The room is empty
,
MADDIE
puts her head round the door cautiously, enters in street coat and carrying a small classy looking bag from a classy lingerie shop, and a handbag. The room is unfamiliar to her. She hangs up her coat on a coat/hat/umbrella stand which is just inside the door, walks to the desk, and after a moment’s hesitation she takes a pair of silk, lace-trimmed French knickers out of the bag and puts them on
.

MADDIE
finishes putting on her knickers and drops her skirt. The knickers ought to be remembered for their colour—perhaps white silk with red lace trimmings
.

MADDIE
is now wearing a low cut, sleeveless blouse, buttoned insecurely down the front; a wrap-round skirt, quite short; underneath, suspenders not tights, and a waist-slip which is also pretty, silk and lace, with a slit
.

From her bag she takes a notebook and a pencil and puts them on the desk. There are glasses and a carafe on the large table. She picks up the lingerie bag and looks around for a waste-paper basket. Finding none, she leaves by the other door, bag in hand. The first door is now opened by
MCTEAZLE
who holds it open for
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE.

COCRLEBURY-SMYTHE
(
entering):
Toujours la politesse.

MCTEAZLE
(
closing the door):
Noblesse oblige.
(
They each carry several newspapers, a whole crop of the day’s papers and the Sundays, which they dump on the big table. They doff their bowler hats and attempt to put them on the same peg.)
Mea culpa. (
Courteously.)

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Après vous.
(
MCTEAZLE
signals that
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
should hang up his hat first. They put their brollies in the umbrella stand
.
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
sits down.)
J’y suis, j’y reste. (
He opens the
Daily Mail.) Quel dommage.

MCTEAZLE
(
sitting down):
Le mot juste.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: C’est la vie. Che sera sera. (
He throws the paper aside.)
(
MCTEAZLE
picks up the
Daily Mirror
and turns to page 3 which features a glamour picture, not particularly revealing!)

MCTEAZLE
: Ooh la-la! (
Then he recovers his dignity. Deprecatingly.)
Vox populi … plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. (
He throws the paper aside and picks up the
Guardian.)

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: De gustibus non est disputandum. (
Pause.)

MCTEAZLE
(
hesitantly):
A propos … entre nous … vis-à-vis le Coq d’Or.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Ah, le Coq d’Or …

MCTEAZLE
: Faux pas, hein?

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Bloody awkward though. Pardon my French. (
MADDIE
re-enters with a waste-paper basket
,
MCTEAZLE
does not see her as he is engrossed in the
Guardian,
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
sees her but registers nothing.)
Honi soit qui mal y pense. (
On which, without pausing, he produces from an inside pocket a pair of French knickers and hands them to
MADDIE
as she crosses to her desk collecting them urbanely.)
Ergo nil desperandum. (
COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
picks up his copy of the
Daily Mirror
and turns to the pin-up on page 3. He makes a wordless noise appropriate to male approval of female pulchritude. This coincides with
MADDIE
bending over, showing cleavage, to put
the knickers into a drawer of her. desk. This moment of the man reacting to the pin-up photograph, and the coincidental image of
MADDIE
in a pin-up pose is something which is to be repeated several times, so for brevity’s sake it will be hereafter symbolized by the expletive ‘Strewth!’ It must be marked distinctly; a momentary freeze on stage, and probably a flash of light like a camera flash
,
MADDIE
should look straight out at the audience for that moment.)
Strewth! (
After the freeze
MCTEAZLE
sees
MADDIE.)