The Rancher's Wife (16 page)

His legs grew weak. “You can't go through this pregnancy alone.”

“Yes, I can,” she said. “I'd rather be alone than with someone who could never truly love me for who I am.”

Amy took the hard hat off her head, slid the earplugs from her neck and held them out. Logan took them.

“This pregnancy might not work out,” she said. “I might lose this baby like we lost Sara. It may even hurt worse than it did before.” She hesitated, looking away. “Or, things could turn out differently. I might end up with a healthy child and be happier than I ever thought possible.” She faced him again, her small smile determined. “Maybe I'm a dreamer. Maybe I am still chasing a fairy tale. But I'm not giving up on it. No matter what happens, I don't want to just exist. I want to live.”

She grabbed her hat from the truck and left, her long strides taking her farther and farther away. Logan balled his fists and tried to take a step. Tried to follow. But he couldn't. His heart, heavy with pain and regret, rooted him to the ground.

Cheerful shouts from the crowd echoed over the field and the rhythmic pound of music drifted on the night air. The smoke cleared and the stars shone brighter than ever.

Logan stood alone again, stuck between the present and the past, waiting for Amy to return. And watching life move on without him.

* * *

F
IVE
O
'
CLOCK
.
A
MY
TUCKED
her watch beneath the sleeve of her sweater and raised her head, looking out at the dark fields before her. The glowing hands on her wristwatch haunted her vision and floated in bright smudges across the landscape on the other side of the porch rail.

She rocked back in her chair and sighed. New Year's Eve had officially ended and she'd spent the first five hours of New Year's Day rocking on a porch, staring into the darkness and waiting. Something she'd never been any good at, even under the best of circumstances. And Logan had still not returned to the main house.

She'd known the news of the pregnancy would be hard for him. Had expected it to unsettle him. But she'd also hoped he'd seek her out after recovering from the shock. That she'd have an opportunity to say goodbye on better terms and reassure him that he'd always be welcome in their child's life.

Only, Logan hadn't sought her out. The one glimpse she'd had of him since the fireworks show had been his moonlit figure as he'd entered the stable then left with Lightning.

The screen door creaked open. A tall figure emerged onto the porch, taking long strides toward the line of rocking chairs and halting abruptly in front of hers.

“Damn, kid,” Dominic boomed. “You crackin' dawn in for everyone or what?”

Amy smiled despite her ill mood. “Is that how you say good morning these days?”

Dominic chuckled, plopping down in the chair beside her and cradling a cup in his hands. “Good morning.” He tipped his cup at her, the pleasant aroma of coffee rising with each curl of steam. “You want? Your mama just brewed a fresh pot. It'll help wake you up.”

She shook her head. “I've been up.”

“Couldn't sleep?”

“Didn't want to.” She forced a half smile. “I've slept more than my fair share over the last four years.”

Dominic's grin slipped. “I won't argue with you there. It's good to have you back.” He sipped from his mug, glancing out at the horizon and rocking. The wood chair creaked with each of his movements. “Sun's comin' up soon. That what you've been out here waiting on?”

“No. I've been waiting for you.” Which had become true at some point in the wee hours, when she'd given up on Logan returning...

He smiled, his expression tinged with amusement. “'Course you have.” He propped his boots on the porch rail. “I'm always in high demand.”

Amy laughed and smacked his arm. Dominic's wisecracks alone were enough to clear the grit from her eyes and lift her spirits.

“I was hoping you'd drive me to Augusta today,” she said. “It seems I've lost my ride.”

He frowned. “You're still leaving?”

She nodded.

“Why?” At her silence, Dominic added, “I thought you and Logan were getting along better lately.”

“I'm pregnant.”

His boots dropped from the rail with a thud. “Well. I guess y'all are getting along
a
lot
better lately.”

Amy swallowed hard, vision blurring. “Not anymore.”

Dominic stilled. “He didn't take it well?”

Hot tears scalded her cheeks, rolling slowly down her face and dripping off her chin. “No.”

“Ah, hell, Ames.” Dominic set his cup on the porch rail with a thunk and crouched at her side, wrapping her hands in his. “I hate that that happened. But he's had a hard time coming to terms with losing Sara. Give him some room. A little time to adjust—”

“That's something I can't give him.” She tugged her hands free and scrubbed them across her face. “We've lost too much time already. Both of us.”

“So you're gonna leave? Just like that?” Dominic shook his head. “That'll kill him, Amy.”

She sighed and rocked back in the chair. “No. Losing Sara already did that. When Logan looks at me, all he sees is the past. We've both spent enough time there. I have to move on for this baby, and maybe if the reminder's gone, he'll finally move on, too.”

“I can't help you do this.” He stood and took a step back. “I can't do this to Logan.”

“It's the only thing I
can
do. I already love this baby as much as I loved Sara. This child deserves a fair shot at life and all my support to thrive. I can't provide that buried underneath Logan's guilt and regret.” She raised a hand in appeal. “Logan doesn't love me. I've faced that. Come to terms with it. And I won't stay here just to be tolerated.”

Dominic turned away, but didn't immediately leave.

She straightened. “It's time for me to move on, Dom. I'm leaving. With or without your help. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't need it. I could really use a friend right now.”

He slowly turned back to face her. His frown dissolved and a tight smile took its place. “How soon do you want to head out?”

Amy finished packing within an hour, throwing in everything she'd brought with her except for two items she decided to leave behind. She slipped the necklace over her head and dropped the ring onto the papers on the dresser, swapping them out for her black straw hat.

She took her bags to the kitchen, hugged Pop and Cissy and said the rest of her goodbyes in the driveway while Dominic loaded her luggage in the truck.

“Remember you're loved,” Betty whispered, hugging her tighter. “No matter where you are.”

Traci wiped away tears and tried to smile. “I want first-class tickets, sis. Not crappy economy.”

It was hard saying goodbye to Betty and Traci but it was sheer torture walking away from the boys.

“But who's gonna take care of Thunder and keep him happy?” Jayden looked down and twisted the toe of his shoe in the dirt, his cowboy hat hiding his face.

“I was hoping you and Kayden could do that for me. And maybe look out for your uncle Logan, too?” Amy glanced at Kayden and he nodded with a brave smile.

“We can do it, Aunt Amy.” Kayden elbowed his brother, mouth quivering. “Can't we, Jayden?”

“Yeah,” Jayden whispered. His wide blue eyes peeked up at her from beneath the brim of his hat, glistening with tears. “But who'll keep you happy? You won't have Thunder no more. And you won't have us.”

Amy's heart squeezed. She knelt down and hugged the boys close. “Oh, I'll always have the two of you, baby. I'm carrying you both with me.” She leaned back and placed a hand over her heart. “Right here.”

With Sara. And with Logan...
She smiled, blinking back her own tears and forcing down the lump in her throat.

“Just like you both will have me.” She touched her hands to their chests. “Right here.”

Kayden rubbed his eyes with his fists. “Will you come back and visit?”

“Of course,” she said. “And your aunt Cissy and I already talked about you coming to see me in Michigan. Maybe next Christmas?”

She felt excitement stirring at the hope of holding her own child on Christmas morning. She straightened Kayden's hat and squeezed his arms.

“There's real snow up there,” she said. “You and Jayden can make huge snowballs and throw as many as you want. It won't hurt like the ice.”

Jayden perked up. “Real snow? Lots of it?”

“Mountains of it. As far as the eye can see.”

Grins broke out across their faces.

Amy kissed the twins once more, hugged Cissy and waited in the truck while Dominic assured Cissy one last time that he'd return safely, soon. He hopped in and they strapped on their seat belts.

Amy glanced up at the sunlight beaming through the windshield. She noticed Logan then. He was several yards away, sitting astride Lightning in the center of the adjoining field. His Stetson was pulled down low and he remained motionless, watching them.

“He's hurtin', Amy,” Dominic murmured. “As much as you were.”

“I know.” She twisted her hands together in her lap, resisting the urge to fling the door open and run straight to him.

“You sure you wanna leave?”

“No.” Amy tore her eyes away from Logan, straightened and faced the road ahead. “But I'm done standing still.”

Dominic nodded, cranked the truck and drove away.

Chapter Eleven

Divorce Settlement Agreement.

Logan smoothed his fingertips over the words. The papers crinkled under his touch, the edges worn. He bent them in half then folded them over. Once, twice then a third time, and returned the bundle to the dresser.

The action had become a habit over the past week. One he'd undertaken every night before crawling into an empty bed and every morning when he finally gave up chasing sleep to face the day.

The day
. God help him. The things kept coming. Rolling in with the sun, spanning what seemed like thousands of hours and hanging on through the darkness. A darkness he failed to find relief in.

He ached for Amy. His chest burned for her and his hands turned numb from clenching empty air every time he reached for her in the night. Every part of him wanted to follow her but the heavy weight in his chest held him hostage where he stood.

Logan sighed and dragged a hand over his face. Every day, he tried to make himself go and bring Amy back. And, every day, he failed.

“Uncle Logan?”

He spun from the dresser to find the boys hovering in the bedroom doorway. Jayden picked at the legs of his jeans and Kayden peeked up at him with a concerned expression. The same one he'd worn every afternoon for the past week as he'd followed him close, at Logan's heels around the ranch after school.

“Hey.” Logan cleared the husky note from his voice and strived for a cheerful tone. “You two are up early for a Sunday.”

Jayden nodded, hands clutching his hat in front of his waist. “We asked Uncle Dominic to get us up. We wanna help you with the horses today.”

“You sure you want to spend your day off school working? It'll be a long one.”

“Yes, sir,” Kayden said.

Jayden put his hat on his head, straightening the brim with both hands, and stuck out his chest. “We promised Aunt Amy we'd take care of Thunder for her.” He tried for a smile but it drooped at the corners. “So, can we help?”

Logan nodded. “There's nothing I'd like more.”

He crossed the room and held out his hands. They latched on to them and they took their time making their way to the stables, just as they had every afternoon over the past week.

Winter was in full swing and this morning was no exception. The January air whipped through their clothes with cold gusts of wind as they strolled down the winding path, flushing Kayden's cheeks and making Jayden shiver. Logan stopped, bending to fasten the top button on their jean jackets and tug their hats down firmer around their ears.

“We're all right.” Jayden batted his hands away and strutted on with his brother.

“Yeah,” Kayden said. “We don't get cold no more.”

“Oh, yeah?” Logan's mouth twitched. “Why's that?”

Kayden jerked his chin. “'Cuz we're bone-a-fine cowboys now. Mr. Jed said they don't never get cold.”

Logan clamped his lips shut, choking back his laughter. It was probably best to let that one go. Wouldn't do for him to question Mr. Jed's knowledge. The boys didn't take too kindly to others criticizing the ranch hand's words of wisdom.

They spent the first couple hours of the morning turning horses out and mucking stalls alongside the hands. When the twins' shoulders began to sag, Logan took the shovels from them and suggested a break. He led them outside and lifted them to the top rail of the white fence lining the paddock, keeping an arm snug around each of the boys' backs.

“We got a treat for Thunder.” Jayden dug around in his pocket then drew out a small, colorful lump. “It's oats and carrots and the sugar stuff mixed together.”

“Yeah,” Kayden said. “Ms. Betty helped us make it last night.”

Logan held Jayden's palm and tilted it from one side to the other. No sign of cayenne powder this time.

He smiled. “I think he'll enjoy that. Hold it out and let him have a taste.”

Logan clucked his tongue and steadied Jayden's outstretched arm as Thunder walked over. The stallion moved gracefully, his muscles rippling. Thunder nudged Jayden's hand with his nose then wrapped his lips around the treat and nibbled.

Kayden giggled. “He likes it.”

Thunder's soft breaths and chomping teeth filled the silence that followed until the treat disappeared. The stallion licked Jayden's palm, setting off another round of laughter from the boys, then turned and strolled away.

Kayden tilted his head back, glancing up at him. “Uncle Dominic said you're the best trainer there is. 'Cept for Aunt Amy.” He blinked and lifted his chin. “I ain't scared of Thunder no more, and I can learn to ride him like Aunt Amy does. You think you could teach me one day?”

“One day. But not quite yet. Thunder might be having more good days than bad, but he's still adjusting.”

Jayden pursed his lips. “Bet he misses Aunt Amy.”

Logan's gut churned. He looked away, focusing on the other horses milling about in the field. “I expect so.”

Kayden sighed and picked at Logan's sleeve. “We miss her, too.”

Logan tightened his arms around the boys, tugging them closer and whispering, “So do I.”

The twins huddled into Logan's chest and wrapped their arms around his back. They stayed silent for a while, gazing across the fields and listening to the gentle sounds of the horses.

A breathless cry and pounding feet shattered the silence.

“It's time!”

Logan glanced over his shoulder. Traci loped down the path from the main house. She stopped, bending with her hands on her knees and struggling to drag in air.

“Time for what?” Jayden asked, squirming against Logan's chest.

“Time...” Traci gulped and grinned “...for the babies.” She straightened and pointed to the main house. “Mama and Pop just left for the hospital with Dom and Cissy. Mama said to come get you so you could drive the rest of us.”

Traci darted back up the path, flapping her hands and sputtering over her shoulder, “Well, come on.”

Logan made short order of loading Traci and the boys into the truck and took off for the hospital as fast as safety allowed. The drive seemed to take longer than usual and Logan's hands shook harder against the steering wheel with every giddy exclamation from Traci.

“I can't wait to see Grace and Gwen,” she gushed, biting her lip and bouncing in the passenger seat. “Bet they'll be beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Kayden drawled, kicking the back of her seat, “'til they start cryin' and poopin'. Mr. Jed said that's all babies do.”

“Hush up, squirt.” Traci glanced in the rearview mirror and narrowed her eyes. “Mr. Jed's full of hot air. You oughta be glad you're getting cousins.”

Kayden wasn't impressed. He curled his lip and turned to stare out of the window, remaining quiet for the rest of the journey.

The waiting room was crowded, and they filled up the last row of empty chairs by the window. Pop and Betty walked around the corner, a smile wreathing both their faces.

“Everything's well underway,” Pop said. “The doc told us things are moving fast. So it shouldn't be long now.”

“Dominic's a nervous wreck.” Betty laughed. “Good thing it'll be over with soon.”

Logan shifted in his seat and hoped that was the case. He ran his eyes over the others in the waiting room. Fathers, siblings and grandparents all moved with excited energy around the chairs. They tapped their toes, flashed nervous grins and sprang up for hugs at the delivery of good news.

This continued throughout the course of the morning, carrying over into late afternoon. For the other families. There was, however, no happy word on Dominic and Cissy, and the silence stretched into late evening.

Logan shoved to his feet and paced the waiting room. His legs tingled, blood rushing back in and tight muscles stretching.

Traci's knees bounced with jerky movements and Betty wrung her hands in her lap. The twins hunched in their chairs, hats shielding their expressions. Pop left for the third time in the past hour to check for more news.

“You boys want to run down to the cafeteria and grab something to eat?” Betty smiled and crouched in front of the boys.

They shook their heads.

“Are you sure?” Betty asked. “It's been a long time since y'all had breakfast and you didn't have any lunch or supper.”

“I'm not hungry,” Jayden mumbled.

“I wanna wait for Aunt Cissy.” Kayden's hat tipped up as he looked around the room. “Lots of other people got their babies already.” His voice shook. “Why ain't ours here yet?”

“I don't know,” Betty said gently. “But they'll get here eventually. Sometimes, it takes a while.” She glanced up and stood. “Here comes your uncle Dominic now. Maybe he'll have some good news for us.”

Or maybe not
. Logan's stomach dropped as he watched his brother stride swiftly across the room. His hair stood up at odd angles and his face was shadowed. Pop followed a step behind with the same grim expression.

The boys ran to Dominic and he squatted, drawing them both between his knees, squeezing their arms and kissing the tops of their heads.

“Are the babies here yet?” Kayden asked.

Dominic's throat moved on a hard swallow. “Gwen is.” A smile flitted across his lips. “She's got dark hair—” he tapped their noses “—but her eyes are as blue as yours.”

“What about the other one?” Jayden asked.

Dominic stood and nudged the boys toward Betty. “Grace will be here soon, too. Now, go sit with Traci and I'll come get you when it's time.”

“Come on, boys,” Pop said. He took their hands and led them over to join Traci.

Logan stepped close, eyeing the worried glint in Dominic's eyes. “What's going on?”

“Grace—” Dominic's voice cracked. He bit his lip and looked away. “Grace is showing signs of distress. They said the cord prolapsed and she's not getting enough oxygen so they took Cissy for an emergency C-section. If they don't make it to Grace in time...”

“Oh, Dom.” Betty patted Dominic's arm. “You hang in there. There are good doctors taking care of your girls.”

Dominic nodded, his gaze moving over her shoulder. Kayden scrambled into Traci's lap. She hugged him close and surveyed Dominic with a worried expression.

“Cissy asked me to check on the boys,” Dominic said. “She wanted me to let them know everything was gonna be okay.”

“We'll take care of them,” Betty said, moving away to drop a kiss to the twins' foreheads. “You tell her not to worry.”

Dominic stood, watching the boys, shoulders sagging and mouth twisting. Logan's throat closed.

“I've got to get back.” Dominic pressed his thumb and forefinger to his closed eyelids and dropped his head. “Cissy's exhausted and worried sick about Grace. I've never seen her this terrified.” He looked up, eyes hovering on Logan's, and whispered, “And there's not a thing I can do to help either one of them.”

Logan froze. Sara was on Dominic's mind. It was right there in every defeated line of his brother's body. And seeing that kind of pain hanging on Dominic burned in his chest.

He gripped Dominic's shoulder and squeezed, forcing sound out of his constricted throat. “Cissy's strong. She's gonna pull through this. And if Grace inherited even half of the grit you and Cissy have, she'll come out either smiling or swinging a fist.”

There was no way to tell how much truth was in the words. The outcome would remain uncertain to the last second, no matter what anyone said. But it comforted Dominic and that was all that mattered.

Dominic nodded. “Cissy
is
strong. The strongest woman I've ever met.” He managed a small smile. “Aside from Amy.”

Dominic strode across the room toward the hall but stopped, turned back and said, “I'm glad I came home. Glad Cissy and I settled at Raintree. Don't think we could make it through this without all of you.” He smiled, the fear in his eyes still present but determination overcoming it. “Having people you love around makes you stronger. No matter how tough it gets.”

Logan watched him leave. He'd never seen Dominic stand so tall or move with such strength. In that one moment, Logan was the proudest he'd ever been of his little brother.

Logan returned to his chair. Jayden leaned onto the arm of it, staring down at his boots and frowning.

“Hey,” Logan said, “wanna sit with me for a while?”

Jayden nodded, his blond curls slipping onto his forehead. Logan sat down and settled him in his lap. He caught sight of Jayden's hat lying upside down on the floor.

“Did you lose your hat?” Logan reached for it.

“No.” Jayden stilled him with a hand on his forearm. “I just ain't no bone-a-fine cowboy no more.”

“Why not?”

Jayden glanced up, blue eyes blurred with tears. “'Cuz I'm scared.”

“For your aunt Cissy and Grace?”

Jayden nodded. “Mr. Jed said bone-a-fine cowboys are always brave. That they don't never get scared.”

Logan winced. He knew the weight of that worry. The need to be strong. The need to always be perfect and never make a mistake. Otherwise, what would there be for anyone to respect? To admire? To love?

Love.
He tensed, Amy's words returning.

Everything you offer comes with conditions and expectations.

Logan tipped Jayden's chin up with a knuckle and peered into his eyes. “It's okay to be afraid. Most everyone is at some point or another. It's pushing through the fear that makes you brave.”

Jayden blinked and asked, “So I can still be a bone-a-fine cowboy?”

Logan nodded. “Yep. And a bone-a-fine cowboy always looks better wearing a hat.” He scooped it off the floor and placed it on Jayden's head. “A man needs his hat.”

Jayden brightened, a smile stretching from ear to ear. He snuggled against the left side of Logan's chest—Amy's favorite spot—settling in for the long wait.