The Rake's Redemption (16 page)

“And I still refuse.” Dominic turned away, reluctant to get too close to Jules. His hands balled into fists, the old pain and anger returned. “I don’t want to go over this again … I want to forget it, and this place, and you.”

“If you had been able to forget it, I would not be here. It can never be forgotten. We both know that. But it can be put behind us. If you will but listen to me.”

Dominic stared into his brother’s face for a long moment and then, quite deliberately, turned away.

“You have to listen! If you don’t, there will be no hope for your future, no hope for you and Juliana…”

“Don’t you dare to speak her name!” Dominic turned back to his brother, anger finally rasping his voice. “You, of all people, know that she is far above both of us.”

Jules reached forward, and for the first time since that night, touched Dominic. “Let me help you to understand, then you will see there is nothing to stand between you and Juliana.”

Dominic flinched. “You are the one who doesn’t understand. After that night … too much has happened for a woman like Juliana to want me.”

“Tell that to her.” Jules laughed in derision. “Can’t you see that it is only your stubborn pride that keeps you from happiness? Juliana could be the saving of you.”

“But at what price to herself?” Suddenly all his anger drained away and he was filled with emptiness. “Juliana has had the love of the most decent man I have ever known. How could I insult her by offering her myself?”

Dominic crossed to the doorway and ushered Jules out. “Leave me to find what little peace I can. We have said all there is to say to one another long ago.”

Jules turned to him for the last time, his face hard, his mouth curled in a sneer. “You are being a fool! When you finally come to your senses, you know where I am.”

Dominic stood, staring blindly at the door he had just closed against his brother. He could never go to Jules’s room in the west tower … the scene of all his nightmares.

George and Charlotte did their part by insisting she tour the succession houses with them for one whole day. The duke kept her occupied at the whist table the next afternoon when two of his cronies came to visit.

But she had to be with Dominic at mealtime. Then her forced gaiety was even noted by Lord Grenville, who roused himself to look wonderingly at her.

Sophia felt strongly that Juliana shouldn’t be making such an effort when she was obviously so miserable. They were alone in the upstairs sitting room, where Juliana felt certain Dominic would never invade her privacy. Sophia made several desultory remarks as Juliana stared vacantly out into the gardens.

“I don’t suppose you’ve noticed, my dear, but Dominic isn’t happy either,” Sophia finally managed. “Don’t you think you might speak to him? It is a bit disconcerting to the rest of us when you leave a room the moment he enters.”

“Yes,” Juliana sighed. “Perhaps I should leave the Towers. I’m spoiling everything for you.”

“Oh, no, you can’t!” Sophia replied promptly. “You can’t run away, dear. It would do no good. Rodney says he has never seen Dominic look so haggard.” Sophia could see from the hurt in Juliana’s eyes that she was as aware of Dominic as she had ever been.

Juliana cast her a speaking glance.

“It’s his own fault, Aunt Sophia. I’ve tried everything…” she broke into tears.

“Now, now dear,” Sophia soothed, “I’ll think of something.” She brightened. Before she could enlarge on this, there was a knock on the door.

Juliana started and colored up. “No. I cannot see him!” she blurted out.

Sophia rose to admit Dearborne, who formally presented a white note on a silver salver to Juliana.

Sophia noticed that Juliana’s hand shook when she read it. “There will be no reply, Dearborne,” her niece said with quiet dignity.

He retreated with no expression, the perfect butler.

“What is it, darling?” Sophia watched anxiously as Juliana rose and crossed to the window.

“It was a note from Dominic. He wants me to meet him so we can talk.” She flung back her head, laughing, and Sophia crossed the floor quickly to touch her shoulder. There had been a thin edge of hysteria in her mirth.

“Are you going?”

“No!” A hand that shook, crumpled the note and tossed it aside. “I can’t!”

Even when George was called back to Wentworth Park because of some problem with field drainage, Juliana didn’t get upset—all her months of planning for just the short time he had spent in the
ton
didn’t seem important now.

She roused herself to go to the front steps to say good-bye to George. Charlotte was before her, whispering urgently to him as his horse pawed the driveway. Diplomatically Juliana left her brother and Charlotte alone for their good-byes. Only after Charlotte had slipped quietly back into the Towers did she step forward to take her brother’s hand.

“I’m sorry to be leaving so soon, Ju. Already made my apology to their graces. Be back in the city before you know it,” George forced optimism into his voice. “Don’t know what the matter is, Ju, but you’ll see. You’ll come about.”

Knowing he was eager to see her smile, she embraced him warmly. “Have a safe journey, darling. And don’t be concerned with me. Aunt Sophia and I shall see you in London within a fortnight.”

He was climbing upon his horse when Dominic appeared astride Bucephalus. Juliana quickly moved back into the shadow of the doorway where he could not see her. He leapt down from the saddle and placed a hand on George’s shoulder. She noticed that the exertion of his ride had caused his hair to curl and added fresh color to his face. He looked so young and strong, no hint of the dark secrets that tormented him. Why couldn’t he always be this way?

The men shook hands and then Dominic stood watching until George’s horse became lost behind the beech trees.

When he turned toward the door, he saw her leaning out to catch the last disappearing glimpse of George. They stared at each other wordlessly.

When she could bear it no longer, she lowered her gaze and returned into the safety of the Towers.

That evening a second note arrived.

Three times more Dearborne knocked on her door with a note and three times she told him there would be no reply. She was honest enough with herself to admit why she wouldn’t meet Dominic. She wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t just cast herself into his arms, willing to accept whatever he offered.

The final evening had been declared a family party. Juliana knew Sophia expected the formal announcement of all her wedding plans. She and Rodney had spent interminable afternoons with the duchess hashing out the details.

Sophia confided that Rodney’s patience was wearing as thin as his waistline with the Duchess’s insistence on near perfection. But it was done and only her aunt’s twinkling hints about two dozen turtledoves compelled Juliana to attend the dinner.

A flustered Mary arrived at her bedchamber. “Miss, I’m ever so sorry. Dearborne says they need me in the kitchen.” The little maid tossed her head. “Told old high and mighty that me job was to help you, but he was right nasty, he was. Will you be all right, miss? Here, I’ll lay this turquoise gown out and be back as quick as can be.”

Juliana missed Mary’s continual chatter and sat at her mirror playing idly with her curls. She could easily dress herself, but had fallen into the habit of allowing Mary to do everything. When she heard the door open, expecting Mary, she glanced up smiling, but then blanched, for Dominic stood in the doorway. She couldn’t move even as he closed the door partway and came toward her.

“I know you’re expecting Mary, but she has been unavoidably detained in the kitchens.”

Juliana rose, drawing her muslin wrapper closer. “What do you want, Dominic?”

“We need to talk.” Strong emotion darkened his eyes and roughened his voice.

“If I’d wanted to talk to you, I would have answered your notes. We said all that needed to be said days ago in the meadow.”

Dominic folded his arms across his chest. “No, there is more, much more that you need to know. And I’m not leaving until you hear it.”

“I already know about your father. And your mother. Everything.” Seeing the look of blankness in his eyes, Juliana felt a wave of remorse rush over her. She didn’t want to hurt him! She loved him!

She moved to the window and stood, nervously fingering the fabric. “I understand your father’s feeling about … about widows being soiled goods, but…”

“Never say that again!” he interrupted fiercely, taking her by the arms and turning her to face him. “I would kill anyone for saying that about you. Don’t you know why I came here? I’ve hurt you … I can’t bear that.”

Putting his hands lightly against her cheeks, he tilted her face up and their eyes locked. “You are the most wonderful, the most precious … you are perfect.”

Putting her away from him, he shook his head. “You don’t understand what I am saving you from.”

“I don’t wish to hear any more about my not understanding!” Juliana burst out, drawing herself up proudly. “It is you, who do not understand! I made a promise to Sir Timothy that I would never forget Will. That I would put no one else in his place.” She gave a short laugh. “I kept that promise quite well for five long years, but within hours of meeting you, I could not keep you out of my thoughts.” Juliana’s eyes searched his face. “You see, I love you more than my honor. I have overcome my past … the teachings of a lifetime … to love you.”

Standing quite still, Dominic’s eyes, dark and fathomless, rested upon her. “Do you know what an unsuitable marriage is, Juliana?” His voice hardened slightly when he spoke. “It is when one person is trapped in the net of another’s grand passion. It happened to my mother and father. It destroyed them both … and Jules … and me.”

“I am not your mother!” Juliana, tears finally spilling over her face, said in the only voice left to her, a thin, reedy sound.

“I know,” he said quietly, color coming to mark his cheekbones. “But I am her son. I am the soiled goods. Let me tell you what I am saving you from.”

She stepped back, sudden fear making her tremble.

“Hear what I am. I would have seduced you at Vauxhall, Juliana. I have done it before in that very same temple. I have engaged in excesses you could not even imagine. I ran away to the Peninsula … away from my tainted heritage … only to blacken my name…”

Shaking her head, her eyes clung to his face, which resembled a beautiful polished stone. “Were you hoping to die too, Dominic?”

Amazement that she had understood what no one else had ever guessed shifted in his eyes, but then was gone. “Perhaps at first, but battle suited my needs … for awhile,” forcing as much cruelty in his voice as he could muster. “Then later in Madrid a beguiling contessa taught me much … things a woman like you would not even understand…” He flinched at the shock on her face, knowing for certain that in revealing his sordid past she would finally turn from him in disgust. But looking into her eyes, shimmering with tears, was his undoing. There had been too much pain already for all of them. He couldn’t make himself continue the catalogue of his sins. “I’m not worthy of you. Can never be. I would not degrade you by offering what little I can give, for even that is flawed,” he finished softly.

“And that I see, disposes of our future,” she said, suddenly furious with him, her chest heaving with indignation. “Do you think you know my feelings better than I do? You are not always right!”

With great deliberation she turned her back on him. “Is that all you have to say, Dominic?”

“Yes,” his voice was weary as she had never heard it before. “I wanted you to know that the fault lies with me … not with you, Juliana. You are all any man could ever hope to find.”

She turned to him again. “Yet, you are letting me go.”

“You are out of my reach, my darling.”

“Only because you make it so…”

“No. Because you are too fine.” Unexpectedly he took her hand and led her to sit on the bed. “Perhaps if I had told you this from the beginning you would understand.” He paced the length of the chamber considering his words.

“Will and I became friends on the Peninsula. I was with him at Badajoz.” Ignoring her gasp, he continued, “I held him in my arms when he called for his Juliana as he lay dying. There in the midst of those bloody battlefields he had spoken often of his young bride. She was so fine, with glorious copper hair, soft and loving, fierce and protective. There, dying in the mud, horror all around him, his vision of you brought him peace. Somehow thoughts of you also brought me peace. And you became my guardian angel. Everything I did in that war, every risk I took, every battle I fought, was for you.”

He turned away. “I used to imagine you. Safe in the countryside, the dogs gamboling at your skirts as you strolled through fields of flowers. Or dancing, turning to the strains of a waltz, with hundreds of candles reflected in your eyes.”

It brought her happiness to know Will had loved her so. But that was the past. Now she must fight for her future and her love for Dominic.

“Instead, I was nursing a bitter old man who tried to bind me to the past with promises.” She stood and faced him. “As you are trying to do.”

He shook his head, rejecting her words.

“Yes,” she insisted. “Your vision was just a dream. My life has been far from the perfection you imagined. It’s been filled with pain and anger and responsibility. But now, it’s filled again with love. And a chance to start over. You must give us that chance, Dominic.”

“There is no second chance for me.”

Clenching her fists, she rose and stared at him, trying with all the love in her heart to reach out to him. “Why are you doing this? Why are you denying both of us?”

There was a short silence and then, “I am not the right man for you, Juliana.”

“You are wrong, you know,” she returned quietly. “Nothing you have told me, nothing I have learned, has made me love you less. Dear God, I do not care what you have done. Yesterday belongs to the past. Tomorrow is ours.”

He stopped on his way out, turning to face her. That slight hesitation caused hope to flicker in her heart and a new determination to take root in her mind. She would find a way to break through his barriers.

He did not speak, but only lifted her hand and turning her palm up, pressed his lips there before leaving her.

She had been wrong and Jules right. Dominic did love her, and she would not allow him to throw their happiness away. Mrs. Forbes, granddaughter of a gypsy princess, had told her to follow her heart and that she fully intended to do. She had little time left. Tonight she would seek Jules out and discover what she needed to know to reach Dominic. Nothing else mattered.