The Queen`s Confession (12 page)

“He has hastened his disgrace by his indiscretion,” he said.

“It would have surprised me if he had stayed in office much longer. Let us hope that he may not be replaced by someone who is an even greater meddler than he.”

“He is our friend!” I cried aghast.

“He is of no use to us now,” replied Mercy cynically.

I was very hurt and sorry, but we did hear of him now and then. He was living very grandly at Chanteloup and sending out chansons about Madame du Barry, whom he regarded as his enemy in chief. She was constantly ending scraps of paper covered with obscene rhymes in her apartments but she always laughed at them and they seemed to lose their impact.

Letters continued to flow from Vienna, and every time a letter from my mother was put into my hands I would shiver. What had I done now! I had not worn my stays my hateful corps de baleine which made me sit bolt upright or in discomfort. It was necessary for me to wear them at this stage of my growth, I was warned. I must always be aware of my appearance. The French were very susceptible to appearance and I must always think of pleasing my husband. Always there were hints about my relationship with my husband.

“You must not be in too much of a hurry, for increasing his uneasiness will only make matters worse On one occasion she wrote:

“You must not take this disappointment too much to heart. You must never show it. Never be peevish. Be tender but by no means demanding.

If you caress your husband, do so in moderation. If you show impatience you could make matters worse. “

Not only the court of France but all the courts of Europe seemed to be discussing the inability of the Dauphin to consummate our marriage.

They were saying he was impotent and that if a girl as attractive as I was could not rouse him, the case was hopeless.

It was tremendously embarrassing for us both. I clung to my childishness, trying not to understand even when I did, playing with my

dogs, dancing when I could, trying 86 to pretend I-did not know there was anything strange about our marriage. My husband’s method was to feign indifference which I knew he did not feel. His defence was to pretend to be bored, to shut himself up with his locksmith and builder friends; he hunted whenever possible and would eat heartily as though all he cared about were these things. But I did discover that he was as uneasy as I was more so, because he was more serious and the fault was his; and during the past months he had begun to show me in a him dred little ways how sorry he was that he was not a good husband. He was anxious to please me, and although his tastes were in exact opposition to my own he never tried to stop my doing what I liked.

I was growing quite fond of him and I believed he was of me. But this hateful situation was between us. Had we been two lusty lovers we should have been smiled at indulgently; as it was, the secrets of our bedchamber were the concern of Europe. Envoys were going back and forth from Versailles to Sardinia and Prussia as well as to Austria.

In the streets, songs were being sung about us.

“Can he or can’t he?”

“Has he or hasn’t he?” If my husband’s infirmity were due to some mental conflict this was enough to prevent his ever overcoming it.

My mother reiterated that I was to keep her informed of every detail.

I was to report everything the Dauphin said or did. I was to read her letters and bum them when I had done so. I knew that I was surrounded by spies, and the chief of these was my husband’s tutor, the Due de Vauguyon, who was a friend of Madame du Barry. Once when I was alone with my husband, one of the servants who was in the room suddenly opened the door and there was the Due bending down; his ear had obviously been at the keyhole. I think the servant may have been trying to warn us. I remarked to Louis how inconvenient it was, having people listening at our doors. The Due de Vauguyon was very embarrassed and muttered some excuse; but I don’t think Louis ever had such a high opinion of him again.

It was not in my nature to brood on my position. I wanted to enjoy

myself. There was nothing I liked so much as 87 riding, but horses had been forbidden, because my mother thought that violent riding might make me sterile. As if I had a chance to be otherwise! And she and Mercy had decided that they would ask the King to give an order that I should not ride.

This was a great blow to me. I wanted to shout that I was bored at the French Court, that when I was riding with the wind in my face and my hair free from those pins with which the hairdresser tortured me, I was happy.

I went to the King; I was my most appealing; I called him Dear Papa and I told him how unhappy I was because I was being prevented from riding.

He was perplexed. I should have known that he found this kind of situation irritating and hated to be asked to make a decision which was going to offend anyone, particularly a pretty girl. But he gave no sign of this. He was all smiles and sympathy. How was I to know that he was inwardly yawning at my childish problems and wishing me far away? He laid his hand on my shoulder and explained very tenderly that my mother did not wish me to ride horses. Did I not wish to please my mother?

“Oh yes, dear Papa, I do indeed … but I cannot bear not to ride.”

They consider that horses are too dangerous, and I have agreed that you shall not ride them. ” He lifted his hands and his face was illumined by that charming smile which in spite of the pouches under his eyes and the countless wrinkles made him still handsome.

“They did not mention donkeys.” He had the solution.

“No horses … but ride a donkey for a while.”

So I rode donkeys, which I found humiliating.

Nevertheless once I fell from the saddle. It was a foolish incident really. The donkey was stationary and I was sitting loosely; he turned sharply and the next thing I knew was that I was on the ground. I was not in the least hurt, but my attendants were very concerned and they all hurried to me; but I lay there laughing at them.

“Do not touch me!” I cried.

“I am not hurt in the least. I am not even shaken. It was the

silliest tumble.” 88 “Will you not allow us to help you rise, then?”

Certainly not. You must call Madame FEtiquette. You see, I am not quite sure what ceremonies should be observed when a Dauphine falls from a donkey. “

They all laughed and we resumed our ride very gaily;

but of course the incident was reported. My mother heard of it. She was very hurt that I was riding even donkeys and I know now that she feared she was losing her influence over me. This was no wish for power on her part; it was due to a deep understanding of her daughter’s character and a terrible fear as to what would become of her. She saw me as an innocent lamb among the wolves of Prance and she was, as usual, right.

She wrote to me:

“I hear you are riding a donkey. I have told you I do not care for this equestrian activity. It will do more harm even than spoiling your complexion and your figure.”

When I read the letter I was sorry I had displeased her and I vowed I would not ride again until I had her per mission to do so which would be when I was a little older, when I was a true wife, when I had shown that I could bear children. (How it all came back to this! ) But I soon forgot, and a few days later I was out on my donkey again.

I was seeing a great deal of the aunts, who made much of me. Adelaide was always angry about something. She had to have a cause to fight for and she would take up the least little thing. Madame du Barry was her great target;

but when she heard that I had been forbidden to ride a horse she turned her attention to this.

It is ridiculous 1’ she declared.

“Not ride a horse! Every one must ride a horse. A donkey for the Dauphine of France! It is an insult.”

Victoire nodded and Sophie joined in a few seconds later.

“It is our enemies who have arranged this,” said Adelaide darkly.

I was going to point out that it was my mother who had forbidden it and

that Mercy and the King supported her. 89 I could hardly call these my enemies. But Adelaide never listened when she had a cause to fight for. I was not going to be illused. I was not going to be humiliated. She and her sisters were my champions and she had a plan.

The plan was that I should ride out on my donkey as usual. An equerry with a horse would have been sent out and I should meet them at a spot to be decided on. Then I should dismount from the donkey, mount the horse, got for my ride, and then come back to the spot where the-j donkey would be waiting for me, mount the donkey and trot back to the Palace. It was very simple.

And it will outwit them all! ” cried Adelaide triumphantly.

I hesitated.

“It would displease my mother.”

“How should she know?”

“All the same, I do not want to go against her wishes!

“She is far off in Vienna. She does not know that you.1 are a figure of fun here … riding your donkey.” They persuaded me and there was a great deal of conf spiratorial whispering; and in due course I rode out withf some of my attendants and met the equerry who had theB horse waiting for me. They were all rather afraid because they knew that the King himself as well as my mother had a said that I should not ride a horse, and I was suddenly J ashamed. I agreed that I would not canter or gallop andj I would allow the equerry to hold the bridle while I walked the horse. But what joy it was to be really on horseback once’ morel I forgot how disobedient I was being and I found;

the tears of laughter in my eyes when I thought of what Mercy’s face would be like if he could see me.

I mentioned this to one of my attendants and they all;

joined in my laughter. It was such fun—and then we went back to where one of the attendants was waiting with the donkey and I rode it solemnly back to the Palace while the equerry galloped off with the horse. I One of those attendants who had accompanied me and laughed

with me hastened to tell Mercy what had happened and when he presented himself at my apartments Is knew from his stem lories that he had discovered my deception. He was pained and grieved. I blurted out: “So you know I have been riding a horse?”

“Yes,” he said.

“I was going to tell you,” I said, and added defensively:

“Those who saw me were pleased that I had had such pleasure.”

“I should be mortified,” he replied in his solemn way, ‘if you believed that I should join those who were delighted. As I am deeply concerned with your affairs I can only be grieved that something should have happened which could be injurious to you and would give great displeasure to me Empress. “

I was frightened as always at the thought of my mother. I said quickly: “I should be desolate if I thought I had grieved the Empress.

But as you know riding is the Dauphin’s favourite exercise. Should I not therefore follow something which gives him such pleasure? “

Mercy did not reply to this, but merely remarked that he would retire and leave me to contemplate what I had done.

I wished I hadn’t done it and I was sorry; then I grew angry. It was all so silly. Why should I not ride a horse if I wanted to?

But I was very upset. One thing remained clear in my giddy mind and that was that my mother cared for my wellbeing as no one else on earth did; and she had as much power to alarm me here in France as she had in Vienna. She was, of course, informed of what I had done; she wrote back, pained that I had acted so. She conceded that the King and the Dauphin had both given their consent to my riding and that they must ‘dispose of all concerning you,” but she was very displeased.

“I shall say no more,” she finished her letter, ‘and shall try not to think about it. “

She must have heard what part the aunts played in this because she was soon afterwards warning me against them.

“Keep a neutral position in everything. I desire you to be more reserved than ever as regards what is going on.

9i Listen, to no secrets and have no curiosity. I am sorry to have to say. Confide nothing—even to your aunts, whom I esteem so much. I have my reasons for saying this. “

She had very good reason. Probably more than she at that time realised.

A year after I was married my brother-in-law Provence was given a wife. She arrived at Versailles in May—as I had-Marie Josephe of Savoy. I disliked her on sight, she was very ugly and completely lacking in charm; and this was not only my opinion. Provence was very disappointed in her; and everyone made comparisons between her and myself, which came to her ears and enraged her. I knew that she hated me, although she was always anxious to pretend that she did not, for she was rather clever.

I was indifferent to her attitude towards me because I had made a friend of the Princesse de Lamballe whom I found kind and gentle—though the Abbe Vermond said she was stupid, because he did not want me to be too friendly with anyone other than himself. I defended the Princesse to him.

“She has a good reputation,” I said, “which cannot be said for everyone at this Court.”

“She could lose that reputation tomorrow,” he retorted, ‘but her reputation for stupidity grows every day! ” I laughed with him, for we were on very friendly terms. I There was another friend I made, and although he did not like her either, he could not complain of her stupidity. This was Jeanne Louise Henriette Genet, the lect rice who worked for my aunts. I had seen her often in my aunts’ apartments and I had been attracted by her quiet ways and her rather severe looks. It was the attraction of opposites.

I sensed that although she had a great respect for my aunts, and for me too, in addition she liked me.

I asked the King if I might share my aunts’ lect rice and he said yes, immediately. So I used to have Mademoiselle Genet in my apartments so that she might read to me; but I preferred to talk to her, for she had such stories to tell of the Court that I do believe I learned more from

her than I had so far from anyone else. 02 She was only three years older than I but she seemed at least ten, so demure, so serieuse was she. I was sure my mother would have approved of her. Sometimes I used to think that nice sensible Jeanne Louise would have been a much better daughter for my mother than I was. Her father had been employed by the Foreign Office and so had come to the notice of the Due de Choiseui; and thus Jeanne Louise had been given her place at Court. She had been a studious child who had astonished everyone by her learning;