The Queen & the Homo Jock King (57 page)

“Don’t talk like you know what this is about,” I snapped at Paul. “Because honestly? You don’t know
shit
about this.”

“Really,” Paul said, sounding dubious. “I don’t know shit.”

“It wasn’t like this hurt anyone,” I said, glaring at him. “Everyone knew
exactly
what this was. I didn’t
lie
to anyone involved in this.”

“That’s right,” Paul said. “So you just thought you’d drag Darren in on this, knowing how he felt about you. I know you, Sandy. Probably better than everyone. And I know that you’re not that cruel.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked. “Darren couldn’t get involved in this any quicker than he did. He didn’t even fucking
hesitate
. And how he
felt
about me? Are you out of your—”

“And why do you think that is?” Paul asked. “Why do you think he didn’t
fucking hesitate
?”

“No hesitation,” Corey said. “Not even a smidge.”

“Because he saw a chance to use me just like I was using him.”

“Jesus Christ.” Paul sounded shocked. “You actually believe that. You’re so goddamned stupid.”

“Hey,” Vince said. “There’s no need for name-calling. We’re all on the same side in this interro—I mean, intervention.”

“I have told you,” Paul said to me, “for
years
how Darren felt about you.”

“It’s not
like
that—”

“Have I ever lied to you? When it counted.”

Goddammit. “No.”

“Would I ever do anything to hurt you intentionally?”

Feelings suck ass. “No.”

“Then why the
fuck
would you not believe this?” he asked, outraged.

“Yeah,” Corey said. “Why the fuck?”

“You know what?” Vince said. “I’m with them. Why the heck?”

And that was the crux of it, really. I was not a stupid man. I knew things. I knew
many
things (granted, most of it was useless information, but whatever). But even I could see that I was being an idiot about this whole thing. It wasn’t necessarily a Come-To-Jesus moment, as it’d been building far too long for a lightning-struck epiphany out of nowhere, but it was close. Darren as I saw him now could say whatever he wanted until he was blue in the face, and I probably wouldn’t have trusted it. Corey and Vince could try and convince me of his good intentions for hours on end, and I might not have believed them.

But Paul?

Paul was different. Vince and Corey were part of my family, but Paul was more than that. He was the one I trusted the most, the one I knew would never steer me wrong, even if we somehow found ourselves far off course (which, honestly, we often were). That’s just who he was. Even when Vince came into our lives and Paul was worrying about how someone could actually fall in love with him, he never left me behind in the dust. In fact, he even went as far to make sure
I
wasn’t jealous of his newfound hot piece of ass.

Paul was loud. He was obnoxious. He was crass and rude and self-deprecating to the point it made you want to pull your hair out.

But he was also one of the greatest people I knew.

He was my family.

My bottom lip wobbled.

Paul’s breath hitched in his chest.

“Oh no,” Vince breathed.

“What’s happening?” Corey asked, eyes wide.

“They’re getting emotional,” Vince said, sounding scared. “It happens every now and then. You need to run. Save yourself.”

“What about you?” Corey asked.

“It’s too late for me,” Vince said, resigned to his fate. “Paul will never let me go. You have to get out of here, Corey. Jesus Christ,
go
!”

A big tear slid down Paul’s cheek right as he snapped his hand out and grabbed Corey by the arm, holding him in place.

“What’s happening!” Corey squeaked, struggling in Paul’s grip.

“We would really appreciate if you were here with us for emotional support,” Paul said, voice cracking.

Vince sighed. “You should have left when I told you. It’s too late now. All you can do is let it happen.”

Corey tried to pull his arm away, but Paul held fast. “That sounds like something someone would say after they’ve roofied me.”

“It’s pretty much the same,” Vince said. “It’s extremely uncomfortable, there are a lot of bodily fluids, and it’s easier when you don’t try and fight it. It’ll be over soon.”

“I do trust you,” I said roughly.

“Do you?” Paul tried to wipe his face, but didn’t want to let go of Vince or Corey, so he brought up Corey’s hand and used that instead.

“Is that your
snot
?” Corey shrieked.

We ignored him. “You know I do,” I said. “I promise. I trust you.”

“Then why did you do this? Why did you keep this from me?”

“I… just. I thought maybe I could do this. This
one
thing. Okay? I thought that I could help Mike out. I thought I could help save Jack It.”

“But with
Darren
of all people.”

“It was Mike’s idea,” I said weakly.

“That you went along with,” Paul pointed out. “Sandy, I have
never
been disappointed in you. Ever. Until this moment.”

“I’m
sorry
!” I wailed.

“You should be!” Paul wailed back.

“Vince!” Corey cried. “We have to get out of here!”

“I’ve already accepted that I won’t,” Vince said serenely. “It’s best if you just do the same.”

“I don’t understand how this even
happened
,” Paul sniffed. “How are you a real
person
?”

And it spilled from me then. The entire sordid tale. Going back to my first encounter with Darren and his assholish ways, all through our tumultuous relationship. I delved into the fake-dating scheme to save Jack It, how close Darren and I seemed to get, the way I thought I was changing my mind about him. Then the fallout after Thanksgiving and seeing those text messages from Caleb on his phone, ending with the twink bidding an egregious amount of money and how Darren had looked so
pleased
by that fact. By the time I finished, I was wrung out, my voice hoarse and face wet.

Silence fell as everyone absorbed the tragedy that was my life.

Then:

“Okay, but, wait,” Vince said, scrunching up his face adorably. “So why were you fake-dating again?”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “Didn’t you hear anything I just said? We had to do it to save Jack It!”

“No, I got that part. And the part where Mike asked you to seduce Darren to get to my dad. But then you told Darren about it right away.”

“Like a little bitch,” Corey muttered.

“What?” I asked sharply.

“What?” he asked, batting his eyelashes at me. Wheels was fast asleep, snoring, his remaining paws twitching.

“So, if Darren knew about it,” Vince said slowly, “and there was no need to fake it for any reason, why did you?”

I was getting slightly irritated. “Vince, you’re not listening. We did it obviously because….” I paused, frowning. “We needed to make sure that… we needed the… it was because there was the…. Andrew Taylor… gay bar… the crack babies. I mean, it was to help the… huh.”

They all stared at me.

“There was no point in you fake dating Darren?” Paul asked incredulously.

“There
was
,” I said, trying to keep control of the conversation. “He made me.”

“Made you,” Paul repeated. “Made you
how
?”

“By saying he wouldn’t help me get to his father!” I frowned. “Wow. Now that I take a step back and think on it, I don’t know which one of us was the bigger douchehole.”

“You are,” Paul said immediately. “You’re the biggest douchehole.”

I glared at him.

He rolled his eyes. “And since when can
anyone
make you do
anything
you don’t want to do?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Vince said. “Sandy really did want to date Darren.”

“I didn’t! I didn’t even
like
him when this whole thing started.”

“Sure you did,” Vince said. “Subconsciously.”

“Are you teaching him new words again?” I snapped at Paul. “That’s not—okay. Wait. What if I subconsciously wanted to date Darren and the real reason I agreed was because I wanted to get all up in that shit?”

“Oh my god,” Paul said. “That’s
genius.
How did you think of that?”

“That is literally what I just—” Vince started to say.

“It just came to me,” I said.

“Dawning realizations are my favorite realizations,” Corey said.

Vince sighed. “So you agreed because you wanted him. And he wanted you too. You were really dating. Sort of.”

And if
that
wasn’t just a punch in the gut, because
what
.

“Boom,” Corey said. “Dirty truth bomb just exploded up in your shit.”

“Holy fuck,” I breathed.

“Holy fuck,” Paul squealed. “You were dating him? For
real
?”

“Um,” Corey said. “That’s what we thought to begin with. Right?”

“I know
that
,” Paul said. “But it’s
really for real
.”

“What the hell,” I said to Paul, starting to hyperventilate. “I was dating the Homo Jock King?
For real
? Paul! Darren was sort of my boyfriend!”

“I know! You were kind of really dating him!”

“You’re right,” Corey said to Vince. “It’s easier just to let it wash over you.”

“You’ll do just fine here,” Vince said.

“But what about the twink?” I asked Paul.

“I don’t know,” Paul said. “But obviously there’s something going on there that we don’t know about.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Like fucking.”

“No,” Paul said. “I don’t think that’s it. Darren has wanted you for years, even if he was a fucking dickbag about it, especially at the beginning. And you can sure as shit bet he and I are going to have words about
that
, let me tell you. But now that he was finally in the position to get what he wanted, he wouldn’t screw it up by banging the hipster twink.”

I grinned at him. “That’s what I’ve been calling him in my head.”

Paul rolled his eyes. “He probably Instagrams everything like food and his feelings.”

“And buys ironic print T-shirts from thrift stores.”

“And wears chunky black glasses, even though he probably has perfect eyesight.”

“As fun as this is,” Corey said, “if he’s not fucking the twink, then what’s he doing?”

“What did the text messages say?” Vince asked me.

“Like what I said,” I told him. “How much Caleb loved Darren and Darren wanted to munch his butt or something.”

“Okay,” Vince said. “But now what did they
really
say?”

“Just that they couldn’t meet until after Thanksgiving and Darren didn’t want me to know about it.”

“So, naturally, you assumed it was for fucking,” Corey said.

“What else would it be for?” I asked. “Darren doesn’t associate with twinks unless it’s to nail them.”

“Rule ten,” Paul said suddenly.

“What?”

“Rule ten,” he said. “Darren wouldn’t tell you why he was doing this because of this supposed rule ten.”

“I know,” I said. “And I still don’t understand what that was supposed to be about.”

“Seriously?” Vince asked. “You don’t know? That was the easiest part to figure out.”

We all turned slowly to gape at him.

“What?” he asked. “I knew that right away. It’s obvious. And I know I’m right, because you can’t spell convinced without Vince.”

“Hold out your hand, palm down,” I demanded.

He did.

I smacked the back of it. “Never say something like that again! Now you tell me what it means. You tell me right now.”

“You seriously don’t know?” Vince looked at each of us in turn as he shook away the sting on his hand, the big baby. “
Any
of you?”

We shook our heads.

Vince grinned. “I
never
get to know things first. Ha! How does it feel to be kept in the dark, motherfuckers! I’ve got the brains now!”

“Paul!” I barked. “Tighten your leash!”

“Vince, if you tell us, I’ll make sure we do that one thing tonight you always wanted to do to me.”

Vince flushed horribly. He coughed and said, “Are… seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“I almost want to know what that one thing is,” Corey said.

“You really, really don’t,” Paul said.

“It’s where Paul lets me lick his—”

Paul slapped a hand over Vince’s mouth. Vince waggled his eyebrows at him.

I grimaced. “Okay, let’s not get distracted here. What’s rule ten? Why did he agree to do this?”

Paul dropped his hand carefully, as if he still expected Vince to announce what he was going to lick.

He didn’t.

Instead, he said something else entirely.

Vince shrugged. “It’s because he’s in love with you.”

I fell off the chair.

“Oh sweat balls,” Paul said. “That actually makes a shitload of sense.”

“Today is the greatest day ever,” Corey said to no one in particular.

I blinked up at the ceiling.

Moments later, three faces came into view.

“You okay down there?” Paul asked.

“Is he twitching?” Corey whispered to Vince.

“Maybe he’s just gassy,” Vince whispered back.

“System… crash… imminent,” I breathed. “Restoring… to… factory settings.”

“Oh boy,” Paul said.

Wheels, having woken up but not yet had his cart attached, pulled himself along the ground until he could reach me. He grinned that doggy grin and then proceeded to sneeze in my face. He made up for it by licking it back up off my cheeks.

Eventually, Paul helped me sit back up on the chair. “You okay?”

“I don’t know that I am,” I said, sounding slightly hysterical.

“You’re allowed not to be.” He squeezed my shoulder. “It’s not every day that you find out you’re in love with someone.”

“
What
?” I wheezed. “I thought we were talking about him!”

“Uh,” Paul said. “Sure. That’s what I meant.”

“We can’t talk about
me
!”