The Queen Gene (31 page)

Alfie rang a crystal bell from our deck, which was the cue for the ushers to start seating guests for the wedding. Until that moment, I hadn’t seen Nick, nor did it occur to me to wonder where he was. After two weddings where Kimmy’s grooms were obsolete, I’d forgotten all about my soon-to-be cousin-in-law. But there he was, sporting white paint on his entire upper body and long white tuxedo shorts on the bottoms. His parents looked as if they were using every ounce of self-restraint they had to refrain from whipping out a notepad and cataloging every detail so they could later regale their anthropologist friends.

“Excuse me. I’ve got to run upstairs,” I told the women. “Faidra, thanks for taking care of Confucius.”

“Can they get together later?” she shouted after me. I couldn’t tell whether she was kidding or not. “Maybe J.Lo wants to come over and hot tub at our place later?”

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chantrell’s impromptu quartet began playing the wedding march as nearly four hundred guests enjoyed the late afternoon sunshine. As rehearsed, the first one down the aisle was J.Lo, who had recovered her hat, a little worse for wear with Confucius’s teeth marks around the rim. The guests smiled at the sight of the tiny Chihuahua walking down the aisle keeping pace with the music. Of course, since J.Lo’s legs are so short she had to walk double time with the music in order to get down the aisle in a timely fashion. Still, she had good rhythm and her double-time cadence worked well, since she was, after all, of Latin descent. Her little purse bobbed around her neck, weighed down by Kimmy and Nick’s rings. As Kimmy promised, J.Lo skillfully turned her head to acknowledge both sides of the aisle. It almost looked like she nodded at faces she recognized, like those of Alfie and the KAT girls.

I’m not sure why the guests all got up to stand while J.Lo was still walking down the aisle instead of waiting for the bride’s descent from the stairs, but they did. It wasn’t as if everyone didn’t have a perfect view of the Wang-clad Chihuahua. Ever the wise one, Confucius must have sensed that the chair his leash was tied to was lighter now that Faidra was standing. He darted into the aisle, taking the chair with him, and was on top of J.Lo humping her within seconds. The crowd gasped in horror as it watched the schnauzer completely cover J.Lo. All we saw was a small patch of green silk peeking from under his tail. Still connected to Confucius was a folding chair, now tipped on its side. We all stood paralyzed for a moment. Even the music stopped as everyone’s eyes were transfixed on the bizarre prelude to the bizarre wedding. Finally Anjoli shouted, “Someone get that animal off my baby!” Nick ran from the altar and pulled Confucius off of J.Lo, who was clearly caught off guard by the incident. Anderson III rushed to help Nick, pulling Confucius’s leash to bring him back from the aisle. The dog was confused and thought Nick was attacking Anderson. He growled, then barked. Confucius jumped up and bit Nick’s tuxedo shorts, tearing most of his right pant off.

“Down boy!” Anderson commanded. Turning to the guests, he apologized.

Scooping up a visibly shaken J.Lo, Nick began petting her and assuring her that everything was okay.

“Breathe deeply,” Anjoli said, rushing over.

Never one to allow the spotlight to stray far from her, Kimmy scuttled into the dog pile and started carrying on about how grateful she was that Nick had saved J.Lo from “mean old humper.”

I caught Jack’s eye. His facial expression was clear.
This kind of stuff never happens on my side of the family
. His smirk was irresistible, but retort was part of our game so I shot him a raised eyebrow and tilted my head down to say,
Your family is boring, my dear.

“Shall we continue?” asked Summer, the same minister who had performed Kimmy’s wedding to herself.

“Are we ready?” I asked Kimmy.

“I need some water, darling,” Anjoli said, wobbling a bit to show how unsteadying the event was for her. A gentleman on Nick’s side of the family stood up and held my mother’s elbow, showing her to his seat.

“Why, how good of you,” Anjoli said sweetly to the handsome stranger.

“I’ll get you some water,” Nick offered, his briefs now peeking out from his shorts.

“Distilled, darling,” Anjoli said. “Make sure it’s distilled.” Turning to the man who had offered his chair, my mother explained that shock is dehydrating to the system. He folded a program for Anjoli and asked if she needed him to fan her a bit to help cool her down. “That would be delightful, darling. It’s so hard to find a true gentleman these days.”

Minutes later, my mother and Nick’s uncle were sitting on the groom’s side of the aisle chatting as Kimmy placed a ring on Nick’s finger. “Love, honor, and love is what it’s all about,” Kimmy concluded. Just as the two moved in for their first kiss as husband and wife, everyone’s attention was directed to the back of the yard. A booming voice was heard before we could see to whom it belonged. “Stop!” he shouted. It sounded like James Earl Jones. “I want you back. I made a mistake, but I love you.” Oh. My. God. Can Kimmy do anything without major drama? Now some crazed ex-boyfriend was crashing the wedding proclaiming his undying devotion. Kimmy and Nick knit their brows at the sight of the stranger. They had no idea who he was. As the crowd turned, it appeared no one knew who this incredibly fat, noisy man was. I couldn’t decide what made him most painful to look at — his barrel of a belly, his curly outgrown mullet, or his two long, skinny, rat-like buck teeth. “I love you, Renee! We can make it work this time, I swear.”

“Holy shit,” escaped from my lips.

“Holy shit!” Adam repeated, though regrettably volumes louder than I had just whispered.

“Who the hell is that?” Jack asked.

“Who the hell
is
that?” Kimmy demanded.

Running to find Renee, Dan continued. “Baby, I’m so sorry for the way I treated you. Give me another chance to make it right.” When he reached his wife, Dan grabbed her hands and got down on one knee. “Marry me again and I promise I’ll make you happy this time.”

Looking uncharacteristically bewildered, Renee said nothing. Faidra rushed to her defense. “Dan, don’t be such a selfish oaf. We’re in the middle of someone else’s wedding here. Talk to Renee about this later.”

“I can’t wait another minute, Renee,” he shouted for all to hear. “I need you to take me back.”

“Dan, not now,” Renee finally spoke.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as everyone’s eyes were fixed on the fat man kneeling before the Junior League. Kimmy then burst into tears, claiming her wedding was a disaster. That was enough to bring in the big guns.

Anjoli stood from her chair, holding J.Lo in the crook of her arm. “Well, darlings, I hope everyone has enjoyed the fabulous show my gorgeous daughter and her husband have put on for you today. It would have been enough to come and see the work of these magnificent artists, but never one to settle for fabulousness, our hosts have cleverly injected their own brand of guerilla theater this afternoon. What delightful social commentary on the state of marriage today when we witness before us two stunningly beautiful people wearing little more than a layer of paint interrupted by not one but
two
separate incidents of humping dogs.” The crowd laughed. Unbelievably, they were buying it. I knew that when my mother used excessive superlatives, she was grasping for straws, but no one else seemed to catch on. A few heads nodded as if to show that they understood this terribly sophisticated performance piece. “We have staged for you here today both a literal and a figurative humping dog scene to illustrate the challenges that every marriage faces.”
What?
Faidra and Anderson held hands and glanced at each other adoringly. Oddly, so did about a half dozen other couples. “As we see, the first dog tore the pant leg from the groom, symbolizing the emasculation attempts every groom faces by other men out there in the world.” Man, was my mother reaching on this one. Walking toward the wedding cake, my mother picked up the cutting knife and held it over her head as if she were going to stab Dan with it. “And now to illustrate the feminine role in extracting evil from loving relationships, I will now chase this fat man from the wedding scene, showing how domestic utensils can be used as instruments of exorcism. If he is smart, he will waddle as fast as he can, or risk being filleted by a very pissed-off aunt of the bride.” Dan began to run away and the crowd applauded.

Nick’s uncle nodded his head with admiration.

Faidra wiped a tear from her eye as she clapped wildly. “We have
got
to get her for Anderson’s next party.”

Renee sat with a smile, more than a bit surprised at what she had just witnessed.

When we could no longer see Dan’s rotund ass on the grounds, Anjoli turned back to the guests, lowered the knife, and dramatically proclaimed, “You may
now
kiss the bride.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

The wedding reception was comparatively dull. Kimmy and Nick had their first dance together as the sun set on our first open house. How would we ever top this event?

I made my way to Renee, who was surrounded by our friends. Most of them were genuinely protective of Renee. Others just love being close to the drama. “I have to find Anjoli,” Renee said when she saw me approach her table. We walked across the lawn alone together. I couldn’t help ask if she was going to get back together with Dan. “Never,” she answered immediately.

“So you weren’t charmed by him at all?” I asked.

“Charmed? I was humiliated,” Renee said, stopping in her tracks. “Lucy, do you know what inspired that?” I shook my head. “His girlfriend probably dumped him the minute she found out Dan and I were through. You know what really charmed me?”

“I know,” I said, smiling. “Confucius and J.Lo sure are cute together.”

Renee laughed. “Seriously, Lucy. Your mother kicks ass. The way she chased Dan out of here with that knife! My God, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.”

“Unfortunately, neither will any of the guests,” I said.

“You know, when I was watching your mother chase Dan away with the cake knife over her head, I really couldn’t decide who I was rooting for. I think I may be out of love with him.”

“Yeah, well, hoping your husband will be stabbed is a good sign that your feelings may be waning, at the very least.”

Renee stopped and smiled as if she were taking an emotional photograph of the moment. It was so unlike Renee, I found it jarring. “Thanks for everything.”

“Sure,” I said. “Any time you need someone chased off with a cake knife, you know who to call.”

“No, seriously, Lucy. You’ve been a good friend,” Renee said, placing her hand on my wrist.

“Can I ask you a question?” I hated when people asked permission to ask a question, and here I was doing it myself. Renee nodded. “How did a guy like Dan ever wind up with a woman like you?”

She smiled. “You mean the weight?”

“The weight?!” I repeated. “The whole package, Renee! The mullet is a nightmare, and those teeth. I mean, I hate to sound superficial and focus only on his looks. He obviously hasn’t got the greatest personality if he cheats on his wife and bursts in to other people’s weddings begging forgiveness.”

“He was cute once,” Renee said, somewhat wistfully.

“When?” I couldn’t help asking.

Renee snapped back to her good senses and answered, “Long ago, Lucy. Now he’s far from cute, isn’t he?” From the corner of my eye, I saw Randy talking to guests in front of his tent. When it got dark, he would whip out his blowtorch and give a glass-blowing demonstration for the guests. For now, he seemed to have no problem keeping the heat around him white hot. “He’s no Randy, that’s for sure,” Renee said, also noticing the sculptor. He winked at the two of us, though I may have been flattering myself. Something about the interaction clearly seemed to exclude me. “Let’s go see Anjoli,” Renee said as she began to walk again.

My mother was surrounded by Kimmy’s Fab Five as well as Robin and Tom. “I’ve been following your career since Stanford, bro,” Tom said to Rafael’s boyfriend, Scott, who was now a running back for the New York Giants. “I can’t believe I’m standing here talkin’ to Scott Randall. Can I get a picture?” I wondered at what point Tom would figure out that Scott was gay, and I hoped I could manage to be present for the revelation. I knew there were several doctors in the house to resuscitate him when he passed out. Surely, Anjoli encouraging him to breathe deeply would not do the trick.

When Renee and I made our way to the group, Rafael immediately teased, “Well, if it isn’t Little Miss Steal the Spotlight herself. To what do we owe this honor?”

“I wanted to thank Anjoli for chasing off Dan like that,” Renee said.

“How Page Six was
that
?!” squealed Alfie, clapping his hands. “You were so Norman Bates, love.”

Anjoli reveled in the attention. “It was nothing,” she said, quickly adding more. “I couldn’t stand to watch him abusing you any longer, Renee. You are so much better than that. Why in the world would you ever stay married to a man with a mullet?”

“He had other qualities,” she said.

“Like that gorgeous figure?” Scott added.

“Anyway, I absolutely hate the guy not only for what he did to you and Kimmy, but now he’s ruined my life as well, darling,” Anjoli said. All eyes were on her with inquisition. “Yes, after I met Renee, I couldn’t bring myself to date married men any longer. God knows I tried, but I kept seeing this image of Renee in tears and I couldn’t go through with it. All I thought about is that each of these married men had a Renee at home who was probably heartbroken by her husband’s straying. Who would’ve guessed it, but I think I may have a conscience after all.”

“What a sweet story,” Alfie said. “You two are like an Aesop’s fable of infidelity,” he said, tilting his head at Renee and Anjoli.

“When I met Harvey this afternoon, the first thing I did was check for a wedding ring,” Anjoli said. “It was like I was possessed by someone good. It was horrid.”

“So, is he married?” Robin asked.