The Quality of Love (19 page)

‘And how did I get pregnant? If I remember correctly, you had something to do with that,' she said mildly as she took a sip of her wine.

‘Yes, I admit I was responsible and because of that I made sure you had a roof over your head but—'

‘Yes,' Sarah said bitterly, ‘you provided me with shelter, but you never suggested putting a ring on my finger. You didn't want to be tied down by marriage and you had no time for me when I was pregnant. You weren't at my side when Cladylliss was born and you showed practically no interest in her. You hated all the paraphernalia and responsibility of a baby. You weren't even willing to pay for a doctor when she was ill. You weren't there when she had to go into hospital or even for her funeral.'

She put down her wine glass and sat back, exhausted by her lengthy outburst but glad she had said it. It was all out in the open now. He would know exactly what her feelings were.

He stared at her as if seeing her for the first time. The catalogue of misdeeds seemed to have left him stunned.

‘Are you trying to tell me that you want to finish with me?' he demanded, his voice tinged with annoyance.

‘Why on earth do you think that?' Sarah asked.

He looked at her in bewilderment. ‘After your tirade I thought that would come next,' he admitted.

She smiled coldly. ‘Is it what you hoped for?'

He turned back to his meal, eating rapidly, concentrating on what was on the plate, and avoided her questioning stare.

He drained his glass of wine and made to pour himself another, proffering the bottle in her direction. When she placed a hand over the top of her glass he poured some more into his own glass before slamming the bottle back down on the table.

They finished their main course in silence. When he laid down his knife and fork he said, ‘Shall we go?'

‘Don't they do desserts?' she asked mildly.

He scowled but called the waiter over and asked for the menu.

Sarah studied it. He hadn't said that he wanted to stay with her and she sensed that he had no intention of doing so but wasn't sure how to tell her. Either that or he was hoping that she would be the one to say they were parting, she thought cynically.

After my outburst about the baby he probably thinks it is better to wait until we are outside before talking about it in case I make a scene, she thought wryly.

She waited until the waiter had served them before she said anything, then as she plunged her spoon into the delicious-looking mixture of fruit
and ice-cream that was in front of her she asked, ‘So are you going to move to Germany, then?'

For a moment she thought he hadn't heard or didn't intend answering. Then he pushed aside his own pudding and, leaning his arms on the table, brought his face as close to hers as he could. ‘That's the other thing we haven't discussed,' he said in a controlled voice, ‘but I don't think this is the place or the time, do you?'

‘I think it is,' she told him. ‘You've just treated me to an excellent meal and now I'd like to hear what your plans are for the future.'

His eyes glazed. ‘I'm not sure how to tell you this or how you will take it,' he mumbled.

She looked at him expectantly, noticing for the first time the furtive way he avoided her eyes, his weak, slightly receding chin, and the mean tightness of his mouth. He might appear to be handsome but he was weak, she realised. Weak, greedy and self-centred.

A few moments later his words confirmed what she'd expected.

‘Look, Sarah, this new job in Germany will depend on team work if I am to make a success of it. That means long hours and no proper home life. I don't think you'd like living in Germany. You're not all that happy in Tiger Bay, so it would be even worse there because you wouldn't be able to see your mother . . .'

‘I've only been seeing her in the last couple of weeks, since Cladylliss became so terribly
ill, and she was the only one I could turn to,' she said quietly.

He stared at her in silence for a moment, and then he cleared his throat and took a long swig of his wine. ‘I think we should call it a day,' he pronounced. ‘You're a lovely person and I've enjoyed knowing you, and I hope we can stay friends.'

‘So you're walking out on me, are you?' she challenged.

Now that the situation was clear she felt no animosity, only relief and satisfaction that he was the one telling her he was leaving and not the other way round.

‘I'll come back to Louisa Street with you and collect all my things and tell Mrs Blackwood that we're giving up the rooms.'

‘Right away?'

‘I'll pay the rent for next week; that will give you time to make other arrangements, won't it?' he asked awkwardly as they stood up to leave.

Outside the July sun was beating down and it reminded Sarah of their romantic weekend in Porthcawl when she'd thought herself to be madly in love and ready to defy her family and sacrifice her career for Gwyn. So much had happened since then; events that had completely changed not only her life but also her outlook.

As they stepped out on to the pavement Gwyn took her arm to steer her towards the tram stop but she pulled free. ‘I'm not coming
back with you. I'll leave you to go and collect your things on your own.'

‘You mean you want this to be our goodbye?' Surprise mingled with relief in his voice.

‘I think it's for the best since your mind is made up,' she told him coolly.

‘We . . . we can still be friends?'

She smiled and stepped back out of reach as he made to kiss her. ‘As you said, there's nothing at all binding us together. We're just ships that passed in the night, that sort of thing,' she said stiffly.

She walked away quickly, determined not to let him see her tears. Although the outcome was what she wanted she still felt desolate that it was all over between them. It seemed so foolish now that she'd truly believed herself to be in love with Gwyn and that they'd be together for ever.

Automatically she made her way to Cyfartha Street to seek solace in her mother's company. She wasn't sure that her dad would welcome her with open arms, but she knew her mother would. She hoped he would tolerate her being there when she told him that she intended to complete her studies and get her degree.

Even if he didn't say so in as many words she was pretty sure that the very fact that she had separated from Gwyn Roberts and was determined to salvage her career would please him.

Sarah breathed a deep sigh of relief. At long last her studies were finally over, and fervently she hoped that this would mean that the new year would be a new beginning for her and that all the troubles and frustration she'd had to face were now over.

She had needed to resit one of her final exams, and it wasn't until a few days before Christmas that she'd heard that she had passed and that it was confirmed that she really was qualified to be considered for the job she'd applied for in the Housing Department at Cardiff City Hall.

She still didn't know if she'd got it, of course, but they had promised to let her know immediately after Christmas so the letter should arrive within the next few days.

That in itself would be the start of a new life. For the first time ever she would be earning money and no longer be dependent on her parents to provide for her, and it gave her a tremendous feeling of freedom.

She still grieved for Cladylliss and knew she could never forgive Gwyn for his callousness over her death – or, for that matter, how little
interest he'd shown in her from the day she'd been born. It had brought her to her senses though, and now that she'd seen him in his true colours she no longer had any feelings for him.

It had been a hard lesson but she felt she'd come out of it so much stronger. She no longer worried about what other people said or thought. She was determined that in future she would concentrate on her career to the exclusion of all else.

When the letter came a couple of days later telling her that her application had been successful, it was an added incentive.

For once her father showed real pleasure in her achievement. Although he'd not raised any objection to her coming back home he had remained tight-lipped and, she suspected, unforgiving over her misdemeanour and in going to live with Gwyn when she wasn't even married to him. That was all in the past, however, and possibly because she had applied herself so wholeheartedly to studying and had achieved the sort of success he expected, he was slowly becoming reconciled.

The fact that as soon as she was earning money she would be able to start repaying her parents for their support and generosity was uppermost in Sarah's mind. When she asked her mother to agree a figure for her keep, so that she could work out a budget, Lorna demurred.

‘I have no idea about that sort of thing; you'll have to talk to your dad about it.'

‘Couldn't you discuss it with him?' Sarah begged.

Lorna hesitated then shook her head. ‘No, cariad; I think it would be a good way for the two of you to overcome any hard feelings. He will be proud of the fact that you can pay your way, so let him be the one to decide.'

Lloyd took her offer very seriously. When she stipulated that she also wanted to start repaying the money he had invested in her all those years he looked both surprised and pleased.

She waited while he did some elaborate figuring and wondered if she had done the wisest thing or whether it would have been better if she'd been the one to make an offer. Arguing about it would be both difficult and humiliating.

To her surprise the amount he asked for was considerably less than she would have suggested. When she said she felt she ought to pay more he shook his head.

‘You have never been in the business world before so you have no idea of what other expenses will be incurred. You'll probably find that you have to subscribe to some sort of trade union and then there will be your morning breaks, lunches and fares, not to mention the fact that you are probably going to need a great many new clothes. I doubt if very many of the ones you have will be suitable for that sort of
business environment and dressing correctly can be almost as important as your qualifications.'

She quickly discovered that he was right. Her colleagues, both men and women, all wore smart suits. As well as union dues, there always seemed to be collections of one sort or another going on. As a newcomer she had no idea which to refuse and which to support and although she kept her contributions within reasonable limits she was surprised to discover how much she spent on such things.

Buying new clothes was a top priority and it would have been impossible if her mother had not come to her aid.

‘You can pay me back week by week,' her mother told her. ‘It's a pleasure for me to go shopping like this and to see you looking so smart.'

Sarah also found that she needed money for socialising. At first she tended to avoid invitations to group outings but then she realised that if she continued to do so she would never really get to know her colleagues so she started going to the occasional event when it was something that interested her.

From the very first she was determined to be friendly with everyone but not to single out any one person as a special friend or to allow anyone to dominate her life. After a while, however, Sarah found herself more and more in the company of Stefan Vaughan. He was in his
mid-thirties, thin, of a medium build, and was so well groomed that with his well-oiled black hair, green eyes, pencil-thin moustache and trim goatee beard, he looked like a sleek cat. His walk also had a feline grace to it. His position in the Educational Offices was one of importance and most people seemed to be wary of him and to treat him with deference.

Sarah felt no such compunction; her own position was sufficiently important that she felt she could meet him on an equal level. This seemed to impress him and after they'd met on one or two occasions he suggested they went out one night on their own.

‘I'd like the chance to get to know you better,' he told her, expecting her to be overwhelmed by such flattery.

Her cool acceptance surprised him; it also astonished her. In the past she would have felt intimidated but not now. She accepted and had every intention of enjoying herself; but she didn't intend to let him overstep the mark in the slightest.

It was the start of a whole new episode in her life. In no time at all she was marked down as a ‘good-time girl' by many of her colleagues; envied by the women, and a challenge to the men.

Until she'd met Gwyn Sarah had never gone dancing or to the pictures but now, because she was able to pay her own way, she resolved to do these things whenever she wished.

Stefan introduced her to jazz which was becoming all the rage and in next to no time, with her bobbed hair cut even shorter, she stood out in the crowd he mixed with as being very modern. She only demurred about having a shingle or an Eton crop because she thought that her superiors at the City Hall might consider that to be too revolutionary.

Outside working hours she began using heavy make-up; kohl to outline her eyes and vivid kiss-proof lipstick to define the shape of her mouth. Stefan had given her one of the new-style powder compacts and a lipstick that was neatly packaged in a shiny metal case.

Her figure was still slim and very trim, so when she went out dancing she discarded her corset. She wore a bust bodice for decorum's sake and used pretty garters to hold up her rayon stockings.

When she had had her hair cut into a smart, boyish style and had begun using make-up, her mother had been quick to warn her to be careful not to overdo things.

‘You've made one mistake that cost you dearly so you don't want to make any more,' she warned. ‘I don't think that your dad altogether approves of this eat-drink-and be-merry attitude that you're adopting.'

‘He's not said anything to me,' Sarah told her.