The Purity of Blood: Volume I (38 page)

I wondered if
that was me.
 
Was I being consumed?
 
I felt like parts of my old life, my life
before Daniel, were falling away, snapping off little by little.
 
I was changing.
 
Somehow this seemed normal; the way things
were supposed to happen.
 
In my heart, I
felt as if I was undergoing my own transformation just as he had undergone
his.
 

But what if I
was being consumed by the fire, snapped and broken apart piece by piece like
the wood, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it was happening.
 
Would I be a pile of ash when I finally
realized it was too late to save myself?

The fire was
strong now. I could feel its heat radiating across the room giving a pink glow
to my cheeks.

Does the wood mind
that this was its fate – to burn?
 
When
it was just a sapling in the woods out back, did it have any idea that this is
how it would all end?

“What are you
thinking?” Daniel asked thoughtfully.

I wasn’t sure
how to answer.
 
If I told him the truth,
told him that I didn’t care if this was how I would end, burned up by the blind
love I had for him, he’d only get angry.
 
Flame is a predator that devours by instinct alone.
 
Was that Daniel as well?
 

If I was to burn
in Daniel’s arms, I knew it would not be because he had wanted it, but because
he was powerless to prevent it, powerless not to be the predator fate had
evolved him into.

“You said you
transformed.
 
I was wondering how much of
the Daniel I love, is the Daniel you were as a human and how much is Daniel the
vampire.”

It was a fair
question reflecting the spirit of what I’d been thinking.
 
I had the feeling that his answer would
determine for how long and how hot I was to burn.
 
I looked up at his face.
 
I wanted to read its expression as he
answered, to see if I could decipher some deeper meaning to his answer
there.
 
Still snuggled under his arm, I
watched as he inhaled deeply and got a far off look in his eye, like he was
pondering his response.

“I
am
different than I was before, this is
true, but not as much as you would think.
 
When one changes, your personality isn’t destroyed so much as it’s sort
of magnified.
 
The good become better –
most of the time, but the bad always become worse.
 
Every human has a dark side, a part of their
personality where all their darkest thoughts and desires reside.
 
Animal instincts long forgotten and submerged
lie dormant there.
 
The transformation
awakens that part of you.
 
How strong you
were before will determine how much you can control yourself as a vampire.
 
That’s why some of us live as animals while
others are capable of making the rational choice to live like the Professor and
I do.
 
In my experience, most live in a dark
gray area somewhere in between.
 

“But as to your
question, I like to think I was a good person as a human.
 
I loved my parents and family very much.
 
I worked hard to help provide for them and
hoped to find a woman that I could love and raise a family with.
 
I went to church and thought I had everything
in life to look forward to.
 
To be honest,
I wasn’t really the usual target for a vampire.
 
After the transformation I would have given myself over to that animal
part of myself.
 
I’d have been ignorant
that there was even another way to be.
 
Fortunately for me, Randall was there to show me the way.
 

“It was hard at
first, to wrestle control from my animal side and manage to keep a tight rein
on it.
 
It got easier as the years
progressed.
 
He did his best to make it
as easy for me as possible.
 
I think in
the end, he wanted me to have the experience with it he never had.
 
I am different now, but you can’t go through
those kinds of experiences without being altered.
 
Even if I was able to be human again, I
wouldn’t be the same.
 
I’m a little
darker now, more cynical, jaded.
 
I guess
that happens when you see the darkest recesses of this earthly existence.
 

“I have to
struggle with the instincts of the predator which is the hardest thing for me
to do.
 
These are not good
instincts.
 
It’s not like the instinct to
pull a child from the path of an oncoming car, but the instinct to prey on the
weak and use their disadvantages to your advantage.
 
Most of the time, I can feel it rising within
me, recognize it and push it down, but on rare occasions the desire will be so
strong within me that I have to beat it back with every ounce of my being.
 
Sometimes all you can do is run away and hide
until you regain full control.”

I had the
feeling he was thinking about me, about a knife in my hand, the sensation of my
lips upon his.

“Have you gotten
better at it over the years?”

“Yes, to a
certain extent.
 
I would probably be more
immune if I slowly exposed myself to more.
 
But wherever we go, I’ve always shied away from as much temptation as
possible.
 
It may be like a muscle that
needs flexing to become stronger.
 
But
then again, it may be that I’ve reached my limit.”

“What about the
Professor?”

“He’s
different.
 
Like I said, we take what we
were as humans into our existence as vampires.
 
He is much stronger and in control than I could ever hope to be.
 
But I think that has a lot to do with what he
was like as a human.”

I settled back,
nestling my head in the crux of his arm and stared at the fire for a minute in
silence.

“Do you think
the human you were back then would have loved me?”

“The human part
is what loves you now, so yes, I’m sure of it.
 
I’ve wondered if you would have loved the man I was before.
 
You seem to have accepted the monster inside
me with so little hesitation.
 
I’d be
lying if I didn’t say that startles me.
 
You should have a healthy fear of me, not …” and his voice trailed off.

“You’re saying
prey shouldn’t fall in love with its predator.”

“It doesn’t last
long if it does.”

I moved closer
to him, wrapping my arm around the front of his chest.

“Maybe it
doesn’t care.”

“Well, it
should,” he said quietly.
 
“I’m not as
strong as you think I am.
 
If I were, I
would wait until you fell asleep, quietly slip out the door and disappear from
your life forever.”

Hearing his
words, I froze.

“If I had the
strength within me, I would do everything in my power to protect you, which
includes protecting you from me.
 
I’ve
considered this many times in the past few weeks and come close a few times,
but it’s too late now.
 
Your hold on me
is too strong.
 
It’s almost like you’re
the predator and I’m the prey, too weak to escape you.”
 

He held me
tighter then leaned down and kissed the top of my head.
 

“But don’t
worry.
 
Go to sleep if you like.
 
I resolved today that it’s too late.
 
What happens now happens.
 
I’m too weak to stop it.
 
It won’t be easy, believe me, but I couldn’t
leave you now even if I wanted to.
 
Whatever
happens, just know that we’ll face it together.
 
I’m glad you love me, because … you couldn’t get rid of me now even if
you tried.
 
I’m your shadow for life.”

I exhaled and
closed my eyes.
 
This wasn’t the first
time he’d intonated that there was a storm ahead of us.
 
He seemed to know something I didn’t, but I
trusted him fully now.
 
He was right,
whatever it was, we’d face it together.

It was completely against my nature to be curled up by his
side, completely exposed and vulnerable to attack.
 
But I was doing my best to ignore that
nature.
 
I was beating down those
impulses as if they were the enemy and not there to help me survive.
 
In this way we were alike.
 
He had beaten down the impulse to kill me,
and I the impulse to allow myself not to be killed.

My eyes were closed, but I could
still hear the crackling of the fire.
 
I
readjusted my position, but it felt so soft, not like Daniel’s muscular chest
at all.
  
As my eyes fluttered open, all
I saw was the arm of the sofa in front of me.
 

He was
gone.
 

I shot upright
as my eyes popped wide open in fear.
 

But Daniel was
there, farther down the sofa than before, with my feet on his lap.
 
When our eyes met, he smiled.

“Did you think
I’d left?”

“How long was I
asleep?”

“Only a couple
of hours.”

“Why did you let
me sleep so long?”

I tried to swing
my legs down to the floor, but he held tight to them.

“I like to watch
you sleep.
 
I envy you.
 
It’s one of the things I miss most about
being human.”

“Sleep?”

“I know, but in
the end, it’s the small things you miss the most.
  
The ability to escape your life even for the
briefest of moments, you don’t know how important that is to your psychological
well-being.
 
Sleep allows your
subconscious to work out things your active mind is afraid to.
 
And you … the way your face relaxes so
completely … you look like an angel.”
 
He
smiled affectionately at me.

This made me
more than a little uncomfortable.
 
It was
one thing to be exposed when I was awake, but another to be so when I was
asleep.
 
As I looked across the length of
the couch at him, I knew without a doubt that there was something else.
 
I opened my mouth to ask but hesitated.

“What?” he
asked. “Tell me.”

“Was this the
first time?”

He was silent,
eyes staring into mine as if afraid to shift their gaze elsewhere.
 
He didn’t ask me to explain the question,
which seemed like an answer to me.

“How did you
know?” his gaze was deeply intent on my face.
 
His expression almost blank.

“I don’t know, I
just did.
 
Like some part of me I can’t
explain, knew all along.
 
How often?”

I needed to know
the answer, but didn’t want to hear him speak it.

“It started the
day after you fell.
 
I … I didn’t want to
tell you, but the blood hunter had been by your dorm the night you stayed up
here.
 
I’ve … um … been keeping a much
closer watch on you since that night.”

I tried to free
my feet again.
 
This time he didn’t stop
me.
 
Getting up, I walked over to the
hearth, feeling the heat of the fire increase as I approached.
 
I stood there staring at the flames as they
danced for me.

Please God, tell me I wasn’t the wood.

“It’s not what
it sounds like,” he said from behind me as I heard him get to his feet.
 
There was a defensiveness in his voice that
made me wonder how true that was.

“What does it
sound like?” I asked the flames.

When he didn’t
answer, I turned to face him.

“I said, what
does it sound like?” I raised my voice just enough to see his face wince as if
I’d slapped him with my words.

“I was worried
about you.
 
Your roommate wasn’t staying
with you.
 
It would have been so easy for
him to have slipped into your room and drained you dry, leaving only your
lifeless body for me to find in the morning when you didn’t show up for class.”

He tried to wrap
his arms around me, but I took a step away from him.

“I’m sorry,” I
said avoiding his gaze. “I just feel a little violated is all.
 
I trust you, I just wish you’d have trusted
me enough to have told me the truth before now.”

As the words
came out of my mouth, I knew they sounded crazy.
 
I should have been furious that he’d snuck
into my room, invading my privacy like a crazed stalker.
 
But in truth, I knew he’d done it because he
loved me.
 
His motivations were pure even
if his actions weren’t what I would have wanted.
 

My arms crossed
in front of me, I stared down at the floor trying to make sense of it all in my
mind.
 
He reached out and placed his hand
on my arm.
 
After a deep breath, I looked
up at his beautiful face only to see despair written there.
 
He knew he had caused me pain, and it hurt
him deeply.
 
I couldn’t stand to see him
this way and immediately launched myself into his arms, burying my head in his
chest.