The Psychology Book (38 page)

His father, Sir John Frederick

Winnicott, was an encouraging

influence, although his mother

...the adopted child

suffered from depression.

knows that he or

Winnicott first trained as a

The child will

she is loved
and

physician and pediatrician,

be able to form

lovable even when child

completing psychoanalytic

strong attachments.

and adult are both

training later, in the 1930s.

experiencing hatred.

Winnicott married twice,

meeting his second wife Clare

Britton, a psychiatric social

worker, while working with

disturbed children who had

strongly influenced by Sigmund

believe he or she is loved only after

been evacuated during World

Freud but also by the writings

being hated; he stresses that the

War II. He continued to work

of Melanie Klein, particularly

role that “tolerance of hate” plays in

as a pediatrician for more than

regarding the unconscious feelings

healing cannot be underestimated.

40 years and this gave his

of the mother or carer for the infant.

Winnicott explains that when

ideas a unique perspective. He

Winnicott began his career by

a child has been deprived of

twice served as president of

working with children displaced by

proper parental nurturing, and is

the British Psychoanalytical

World War II and he examined the

then granted a chance of this in

Society, and sought to widen

difficulties faced by children who

a healthy family environment,

public knowledge through his

are trying to adapt to a new home.

such as with an adoptive or

many lectures and broadcasts.

As Winnicott notes in his paper,

foster family, the child begins

Key works

Hate in the Countertransference
:

to develop unconscious hope.

“It is notoriously inadequate to

But fear is associated with this

1947
Hate in the

take an adopted child into one’s

hope. When a child has been so

Countertransference

home and love him.” In fact, the

devastatingly disappointed in the

1951
Transitional Objects and

parents must be able to take the

past, with even basic emotional

Transitional Phenomena

adopted child into their home and

or physical needs unsatisfied,

1960
The Theory of the

be able to tolerate hating him.

defenses arise. These are

Parent–Infant Relationship

Winnicott states that a child can

unconscious forces that protect ❯❯

120 DONALD WINNICOTT

toward the parent, projecting past

Dealing with the hatred

experiences of being neglected and

The emotions that the child’s

ignored onto present-day reality.

hatred invokes in the parents, as

The child of a broken home or

well as in the child’s teachers and

without parents, Winnicott says,

other authority figures, are very

“spends his time unconsciously

real. Winnicott believes that it is

It seems that an

looking for his parents” and so

essential that adults acknowledge

adopted child can

feelings from past relationships

these feelings, rather than deny

believe in being loved only

are displaced onto another adult.

them, which might seem easier.

after reaching being hated.

The child has internalized the

They also need to understand

Donald Winnicott

hate, and sees it even when it is

that the child’s hatred is not

no longer present. In his new

personal; the child is expressing

situation, the child needs to see

anxiety about his previous unhappy

what happens when hatred is in

situation with the person who

the air. Winnicott explains: “What

is now at hand.

happens is that after a while a

What the authority figure does

child so adopted gains hope, and

with their own hatred, of course, is

the child against the hope that

then he starts to test out the

of critical importance. The child’s

may lead to disappointment. The

environment he has found, and to

belief that he or she is “bad” and

defenses, maintains Winnicott,

seek proof of his guardian’s ability

unworthy of being loved must not

explain the presence of hatred.

to hate objectively.”

be reinforced by the response from

The child will “act out” in an

There are many ways for a

the adult; the adult must simply

outburst of anger against the new

child to express hatred and prove

tolerate the feelings of hatred and

parental figure, expressing hatred

that he or she is indeed not worthy

realize that these feelings are part

and, in turn, invoking hatred from

of being loved. This worthlessness

of the relationship. This is the only

the carer. He termed the behavior

is the message that was imparted

way the child will feel secure and

an “antisocial tendency.”

by earlier, negative parental

be able to form an attachment.

According to Winnicott, for a

experiences. From the child’s point

No matter how loving a new

child who has suffered, the need to

of view, he is attempting to protect

environment may be, it does not

hate and be hated is deeper even

himself from the risk of ever having

erase the past for the child; there

than the need for rebellion, and the

to feel love or to be loved because of

will still be residual feelings as a

importance of the carer tolerating

the potential disappointment that

result of their past experience.

the hate is an essential factor in the

accompanies that state of being.

Winnicott sees no short cuts to a

healing of the child. Winnicott says

that the child must be allowed to

express the hatred, and the parent

must be able to tolerate both the

child’s and their own hatred as well.

The idea may be shocking, and

people may struggle with the

notion that they feel hatred rising

within them. They may feel guilty,

because the child has been through

such difficulties already. Yet the

child is actively behaving hatefully

The “antisocial tendency”
in

children is a way they express

anxieties about their world, testing out

their caregivers who must continue to

provide a supportive and caring home.

PSYCHOTHERAPY 121

Despite feeling
the unconscious and

natural negative feelings provoked by

the child, a parent must provide an

environment that “holds” the child,

making him or her feel secure.

resolution. The child is expecting

that the adult’s feelings of hatred

will lead to rejection, because that

is what has happened before; when

the hatred does not lead to rejection

and is tolerated instead, it can

begin to dissipate.

Healthy hatred

Even in psychologically healthy

families with children who have not

been displaced, Winnicott believes

unconscious hatred is a natural,

Therapeutic relationship

generated by the patient as a

essential part of the parenting

Winnicott also used the

necessary part of testing that the

experience and speaks of “hating

relationship between the parent

therapist can bear it. The patient

appropriately.” Melanie Klein had

and child as an analogy for the

needs to know that the therapist

suggested that a baby feels hatred

therapeutic relationship between

is strong and reliable enough to

for its mother, but Winnicott

therapist and client. The feelings

withstand this onslaught.

proposes that this is preceded by

that arise in a therapist during

the mother hating the baby—and

analysis are part of a phenomenon

A realistic approach

that even before this, there is an

known as “countertransference.”

While some of Winnicott’s ideas

extraordinary primitive or

Feelings that are aroused in the

may appear shocking, he believes

“ruthless” love. The baby’s

client during therapy—usually

we should be realistic about

existence places huge demands

feelings about parents or siblings—

bringing up children, avoiding

on the mother psychologically and

are transferred onto the therapist.

sentimentality in favor of honesty.

physically and these evoke feelings

In his paper, Winnicott described

This enables us as children, and

of hatred in the mother. Winnicott’s

how as part of the analysis, the

later as adults, to acknowledge

list of 18 reasons why the mother

therapist feels hate toward the

and deal with natural, unavoidable

hates the baby include: that the

client, though this hate was

negative feelings. Winnicott is a

pregnancy and birth have

realist and pragmatist; he refuses

endangered her life; that the baby

to believe in the mythical idea of

is an interference with her private

“the perfect family” or in a world

life; that the baby hurts her when

where a few kind words wipe

nursing, even biting her; and that

away all of the horrors that may

the baby “treats her as scum, an

have preceded it. He prefers to

unpaid servant, a slave.” Despite all

Sentimentality in a

see the real environment and

of this she also loves him, “excretions

mother is no good

mental states of our experience,

and all,” says Winnicott, with a

at all from the infant’s

and asks us to do likewise, with

hugely powerful, primitive love, and

point of view.

courageous honesty. His ideas

has to learn how to tolerate hating

Donald Winnicott

did not fit neatly into one school

her baby without in any way acting

of thought, though they were

on it. If she cannot hate appropriately,

hugely influential, and continue to

he claims, she turns the feelings of

impact on social work, education,

hatred toward herself, in a way that

developmental psychology, and

is masochistic and unhealthy.

psychoanalysis around the world. ■