The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (123 page)

I no longer know if the words I
’
ve just spit out are true or not, but saying them out loud makes me feel like complete shit. I know that Roman likes me, I know that he kissed me, I know that we
’
re essentially the mirror image of Logan and Beckham
—
but it
’
s
not
the same because Roman has known about Beckham from the very beginning because Beckham has always meant
that much
to me. The fact that Beckham never mentioned me to Logan hurts so much I can hardly stand it.

He starts to respond to my last comment, but I shut him out as I make my way upstairs. I don
’
t think I
’
ll be able to keep it together for much longer, and the last thing I want is to have a public melt-down in front of all of my friends. I know he
’
s right behind me, I can hear his footsteps as he follows me up the stairs, but I shut my bedroom door after me anyway. It
’
s pointless, of course, since he opens it not even two seconds later.

“
Addie, what is going on?
”

“
Do you
like
her? Is that why you never mentioned me?
”

“
Logan? No! We
’
ve been over this. I
told
you that I didn
’
t.
”

“
Then why didn
’
t you tell her?
”
I think back to the first time I saw them together and I feel sick. He told me it wasn
’
t a date, but that
’
s what it looked like
—
and now that I know that Logan had no idea about me, I have no doubt that she considered it a date. It no longer matters what his intentions were; he wasn
’
t completely honest. I can
’
t help but wonder how many other
dates
they
’
ve been on.

“
Because!
”
He
’
s shouting now. I know it
’
s only because I
’
m shouting, but he
’
s never yelled at me before. We
’
re in uncharted territory, which is overwhelming.
“
I wanted to have a friend who didn
’
t look at me and wonder whether or not I was ready to get married
every time
I walked into a room.
”

Ugh! I could scream. How did this suddenly become
my
fault?
“
Well,
excuse me
for placing that expectation over your head. I just listened to her tell me that she
’
s just
waiting
for you to get over your
ex
so that she can make her next move. Maybe I should just
unlock
your heart so that she can finally have you.
”

He shrugs, as if he
’
s run out of words.
“
How was I supposed to know that she felt that way?
”

His ignorance baffles and infuriates me.
“
Because she
kissed
you!
”

I try and take a deep breath to calm myself down. We
’
re shouting at each other, something we never do, and I
’
m overwhelmed by our shared heightened emotions. She
’
s making me anxious just as much as she
’
s making me angry. I can only assume that she saw the kiss that Logan planted on me, because I haven
’
t told a single soul. But if she
did
in fact see it, then she should know that I didn
’
t kiss her back
—
which is more than I can say for
her.

“
She
kissed
me
and then I pushed her away and told her we were
friends
. It
’
s never been any different and I
’
ve never lied to you about it. I
’
m sorry to say I can
’
t ascribe the same truth to
you
. At least I
’
m not dating anyone behind your back!
”

She gasps as she clutches her towel, which is wrapped tightly around her chest.
“
I am
not
dating anyone behind your back!
”

“
Well, you
’
re certainly kissing him when you think no one is watching.
”

“
Are you
spying
on me?
”

I cough out a sigh, caught off guard by the way my heart breaks at her accusation.
“
No, I
’
m not
spying
on you.
”
I can barely get the words out with the knot that
’
s clogging my throat.
“
I came to see you
sing
, which I only knew about because of Daphne. How stupid of me to think that you didn
’
t mention it because it slipped your mind or you were nervous. No
—
you didn
’
t tell anyone because then
everyone
would know the truth about you and Roman.
”

“
Don
’
t even, Beckham! We wouldn
’
t be in this situation in the first place if you never broke up with me.
”

“
I told you it wasn
’
t forever!
”
I protest, trying to ignore the fact that she didn't deny there's something going on between her and the man who shares my room. It
’
s one thing to see the evidence and another thing to have it confirmed by the subject, herself.
“
You told me you would wait.
You
’
re
the one who broke your promise,
not
me.
”

“
And how long was I supposed to wait, Beck? A few more months? A year? A
few
years? One day short of forever?
”

Her words are like a slap across the face.

I stare at her for at least a minute without saying a single word. She doesn
’
t speak either. Her silence doesn
’
t bother me. In fact, I
’
m relieved by it. I for one don
’
t have any more fighting words left. I shake my head as I leave her, knowing that only one thing will be able to express to her the gravity behind my decision to break up
—
as she seems to have forgotten. I walk across the hall, barely aware that we
’
ve accumulated an audience, and head straight for my duffle bag. I dig for my journal and make my way back to her room as soon as I
’
ve got it. She
’
s standing exactly where I left her.

“
Take it,
”
I instruct, holding out my leather bound pages.
“
I didn
’
t do this just for me. I did it for you. I did it for
us
. I can
’
t explain it any other way
—
I just needed some
time
. And maybe I
’
ve lost you. Maybe we weren
’
t the couple that I thought we were, maybe we can
’
t survive this, but I never gave up on us. Never. I couldn
’
t.
I love you
. It
’
s always been
you
.
”
I jerk the journal, signaling for her to take it away from me.
“
Take it
,
”
I repeat. When she finally complies, I steal one last look at her. She looks as broken as I feel and I can
’
t help but wonder
—
how on earth did we get here?
I leave her to herself, shutting the bedroom door behind me.

Out in the hallway, I
’
m greeted by our spectators. Grayson nods at me, as if to express his approval of how I just handled the situation. Avery, who
’
s shivering against Gray
’
s chest, looks as though she
’
s trying not to cry. Sarah looks stunned and Claire offers me a sympathetic smile. Jack looks at me like he feels sorry for me
—
but it
’
s Logan
’
s face that takes me by surprise. She looks hurt
—
an expression I
’
ve never seen on her before. Without a word, she brushes past me and heads to the master bedroom, where she slams the door behind her.

Great. Now I have
two
girls mad at me.

What I wouldn
’
t give to be in Gray
’
s shoes right now.

I don't feel like talking to anyone. Neither do I feel like closing myself in a room where Roman might come in at any moment. I go and fetch my bag before I make my way past the hallway crowd and down the stairs. I don't stop until I'm in the basement, holed up in one of the extra rooms. I toss my bag on the floor and throw myself across the oversized bed. I don't cry, but I feel like no one would blame me if I did. The reality is, I'm so emotionally exhausted that I just can't take myself there.

I gave her all I have. Literally. That journal is every hard day, every unspoken word, every lesson learned, every effort put forth to become
more
. I'm as much as I can be right now. I have nothing left to offer her. I'm ready now, but it's possible that she isn't. It's possible that she never will be. Knowing that breaks my heart. She's all I've ever wanted. I thought she felt the same way. With everything that just happened, I can no longer be sure.

My head is having a hard time wrapping itself around that.

I don't know how long I'm lost in my thoughts before my phone alerts me to a text. Since almost anyone I can imagine trying to reach me right now is above me, I decide to open the message in case they're just checking to see if I'm okay. I'm not, but I can at least acknowledge them. My chest fills up with nervous anticipation when I see Logan's name light up my screen. The look on her face after I left Addie is still fresh in my mind.

Logan:
Marco (top of the second story stairs)

I relax and a smirk tugs at my lips. If she
’
s looking for me, maybe I have less to be worried about than I originally anticipated.