The Promise of Tomorrow (3 page)

Chapter 5

Two Years Ago

When We Broke Up

“You never come home anymore, Snitch.” His voice sounded annoyed, and I felt a headache coming on. I couldn’t have this argument with him again. Didn’t he understand how busy I was? Didn’t he understand that I didn’t have time to drop everything just to see him?

“I have work to do. I can’t just come home every weekend. You can come and visit me, you know.” I muttered angrily, frustrated that it was always me that was supposed to make the trip.

“You know I have a job.” He sounded angry as well and I didn’t respond. There was silence on the phone then and I could hear him breathing heavily.

“I can’t help that, Nick.” I looked at the stack of books in front of me and sighed. “Look, I really have to go. I have a test to study for.”

“You promised you would make time for me, Lucy.” His voice was sad, and I could picture his green eyes darkening with emotion. “I haven’t seen you in two months.”

“I’ve been busy.” I bit my lip and stared at the crumpled dress on the floor in guilt. The dress I had thrown off late last night, after I had come back from partying with some friends.

“You’re always too busy for me.” His voice was stiff and I knew how much he must have hated saying those words. This wasn’t Nick. He didn’t have to beg for anyone to make time for him. He was Mr. Cool.

“I can’t help it Nick. I go to Harvard. We have to study if we want to pass our classes. I don’t get to take basic math and sail through with an A.” I said snidely and regretted the words as soon as they slipped out of my mouth.

“Low blow, Snitch.” There was silence on the phone again. “I’ve got close to a thousand bucks saved now. I can come get an apartment soon. We can move in together and —”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I cut him off and took a deep breath. “I told my mom about our plan, and she thinks we should wait until I graduate to make any big moves like living together.”

“You know your parents hate me.” His voice was chilly, and I closed my eyes, not wanting to argue. I was too tired and too behind with my schoolwork to have yet another argument. He was right of course, my parents were snobs, and they had never liked the fact that Nick Sanders, the boy whose father was thought to be a petty thief, was my best friend. When we had started dating, I thought my dad was going to take a shotgun to his house and kill him. In high school, we had seemed like Romeo and Juliet, and I had felt like our relationship was so romantic. Now that I was 20, I felt like we didn’t have as much in common as I thought, and I was fed up of all the obstacles in our way. While there had seemed no mountain too high in high school, now I was in college I just couldn’t see our relationship going anywhere. I was going to be a Harvard graduate with a degree in Economics, and Nick worked as a waiter while still trying to get his AA degree from the local community college. While I loved him with all my heart, I was starting to think that our relationship was going nowhere. At the end of the day, what was love really? How was it going to transform my life and make me better?

“Nick, it’s not about my parents.” I spoke confidently, wanting him to know that we had more issues than we were facing.

“Don’t you miss me?” His voice held hope, and I sighed.

“I do miss you. Look, let me call you back when I finish studying, okay?”

“Okay.” He snapped and then he hung up the phone. I was about to call him back, but I was so annoyed that I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t talk to him again until he called me and apologized for being so dramatic. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t understand that I was under a lot of pressure. If I didn’t pass my classes, I would fail, and if I failed, I would never be a Harvard grad, and I would never get a job in banking in New York. Nick didn’t understand that I couldn’t just up and visit him whenever he wanted. And he shouldn’t be trying to pressure me into moving in together either; it wasn’t fair to me. I shook my head, feeling sorry for myself, and went to grab a bottle of wine so I could calm my nerves. A few hours later, I was passed out on my bed, drunk, with my books on the floor.

***

A month passed, and I still hadn’t heard from Nick since that night. Each day I watched the phone, waiting for him to call and tell me he was coming to Boston to see me. As the days passed, I started to feel sad. Partying got old, and I missed his daily calls telling me he loved me and missed me. I realized that I had made a mistake and was in the wrong, so I decided to go home for a surprise visit with some rental listings. I was ready for us to move on together. He was my soul mate and I’d forgotten that as I’d gotten caught up in my new world. I missed him and I wanted us to live together. I knew that Nick always worked on Friday nights, so I went by his restaurant to surprise him.

“Hey, Missy,” I walked in and greeted the owner. I was so excited to see Nick that I missed the shocked look on her face.

“Uh, hey, Lucy.” Missy looked to a booth in the corner, and I followed her gaze. There sitting in a booth with a pretty blonde on his lap was Nick. I stared at him nuzzling her neck and felt my blood run cold. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t imagining things, but then I saw the girl turn her mouth to kiss him, and as I saw him wrap his arms around her, I knew that this was no figment of my imagination.

“Nick.” Missy called out his name, and he slowly broke away from the girl and turned to look in our direction. His eyes looked at me in shock, and he jumped up and walked towards me. I stood there frozen, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to feel.

“Lucy, what are you doing here?” He ran his fingers through his hair in his nervous way, and there was a slight edge to his voice. I stared at his face as if I were seeing it for the first time. It was oh so familiar, but oh so distant. And he called me Lucy, not Snitch. My heart broke in that moment. The man in front of me was no longer the love of my life. He was a stranger.

“I wanted to come and see you.” The words sounded vacant to my ears, and I avoided his gaze.

“You said you would call me when you finished studying.” His voice was accusatory, and his eyes were angry. “You never called.”

“I was waiting for you to call me and apologize.”

“I had nothing to apologize for.” His voice was grim. “You were a bitch, and all I wanted to do was see you.”

“Who’s that white-trash slut?” I pointed at the girl in the booth; she looked at me with a haughty stare as she jumped up and walked over to Nick.

“She’s not a slut.” Nick sighed, and I watched the girl put her arm through his. “Ever since you went to Harvard, you’ve been a complete snob. I thought you were better than that, but you’ve become a complete elitist bitch.”

“What did you say to me?” I looked at him in shock. He had never called me a bitch before.

“All you care about is partying.” His eyes narrowed. “Are you fucking someone else? Is that why you don’t have time for me?”

“How dare you?” I slapped his face, and we glared at each other. “I just saw you making out with that trailer trash. Explain that before you question me.”

“I thought you had moved on.” His eyes looked into mine searchingly, and I felt my insides freeze.

“You’re dating her?” My words came out slowly, more of a statement than a question. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest and my eyes were heavy with unshed tears.

“You kept blowing me off. You haven’t called or emailed me in ages.” His voice was low, and he reached for me with a slight frown. I slapped his hand away, and I felt tears brimming in my eyes as he looked at me with an unsure expression.

“You’re dating her?” I said again, my voice cracking as I looked at them standing there, and I realized that everything was a lot worse than I thought. “You told me you wanted to live with me, that you wanted to marry me. I thought you were saving so we could move in together in Boston.”

“You told me you didn’t want to.” He pulled away from the slut, and his voice was hoarse. “I thought you were trying to break up with me. I thought you were done with me. That maybe your parents had gotten their way and you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was going out of my mind.” He ran his hands through his hair, and I studied his fingers. The fingers that had brought me to orgasm so many times, the fingers that had wiped away my tears, the fingers that had kept mine warm. I wanted to scream and shout at him; I wanted to hit him. I wanted to make him hurt as much I was hurting, but I didn’t know what to do or say.

“Did you sleep with her?” The question squeaked out of my mind. I couldn’t bear it if he had slept with her; that would be the final straw. Nick stared into my eyes with a pleading look, and my breath caught. I knew the answer without him having to say a word.

“If you count him bending me over the back of his car an hour ago, then yeah, you could say we’ve slept together.” The girl laughed, the sound sending a dagger through my heart. She looked at me in pity and leaned over to kiss Nick. “Deal with your ex. She is as bitchy as you said. I’ll be in the booth.”

Nick and I stood there as she walked away, and I studied his face. His face looked worn out and tired, his body looked thinner, and his hair was too long. My heart broke as I stared at him and he walked towards me.

“Can we talk, Lucy?” His voice was a whisper. “I want to explain.”

“You can go to hell, you fucking cheating asshole. My parents were right about you all along. How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us, Nick? I loved you. You were my best friend, my first and only lover, and you betrayed me.” I screamed. “I never want to see you again, never again. You can rot and burn in hell, in your trailer park with your trailer park trash friends. I hate you. I hate you.” Tears were streaming down my face, and he stared at me in shock as I ran out of the restaurant. I stumbled blindly to my car and cried and cried and cried. I turned my phone off to ignore Nick’s calls, and I drove to a Walmart parking lot and pushed my car seat back and just lay there listening to the sounds of silence. That was the end of our relationship. That was the last day I ever believed in true love. It was the day that tomorrow promised me nothing, but heartache.

Chapter 6

Present Day

“Mocha Frappuccino?” Nick smiled at me as he ordered the drinks, and I nodded, surprised that he had remembered my favorite drink.

“Yes, thanks.” I smiled weakly. What was he doing here? I stared at his face and all I could remember was that last fight. That slut’s arms around him. Her laughing as she told me they’d just fucked. Pain resonated in my soul as I remembered the exact moment my heart had cracked.

“You don’t think I’d forget that? Not after how many times we went to Starbucks when you were studying for the SAT and finals.” He laughed at my expression and I cracked a smile. Nick was trying so hard to act as if everything was normal between us. I knew that I needed to just let it go and pretend I was okay as well.

“I guess not.” I tried not to look at him too closely, but it was hard; he was even more handsome than I remembered, and his hair hung around his face in that sexy way that had always irritated and delighted me in high school.

“So, how are you?” He took in my appearance and frowned, and I blushed as I realized what he must be seeing. My ill-fitting clothes that weren’t appropriate for the weather. My messy hair and unmade up face. I looked like a mess and I was embarrassed.

“Good, you?” I wanted to ask him why he was wearing a suit and what he was up to in life. He looked so well to do, nothing like the boy I was used to seeing.

“Great.” He led me to a table, and we sat down. “I’ve been writing for the
New York Times
.”

“Wow,” I looked at him in admiration. “That’s awesome.”

“Yeah,” he took a sip of his coffee. “I’m pretty stoked. I just got back from a meeting with my agent, and she sold my first novel to a publisher, and I got a great advance.”

“Oh, yeah?” I tried to smile at his good fortune, but inside I was praying he wouldn’t ask me what I was up to.

“And let’s just say I got a six figure advance.”

“Wow.” My eyes widened, and I felt a pang of jealousy as I thought about my six-figure debt.

“But sorry to keep talking about myself. How goes economics?” He smiled at me, obviously interested in what I had to say. I was embarrassed to admit how the tides had changed between us. I was the loser in this situation now. I was the one with no money. I was the one that wasn’t good enough.

“Good.” I looked down at my drink. I didn’t want to tell him that I was unemployed and living in a co-op with eight other people, that I lived on unemployment, and I barely had anything to eat.

“Lucy,” his voice was gentle, and I looked up into his eyes. They were staring at me with a familiar emotion, and I felt a rush of warmth fill me. I smiled at him, genuinely this time. I was truly happy to see him again. I had missed Nick. I had missed being with him, seeing him, talking to him. He had been the only one that had ever really known me. I realized that I had lost more than a boyfriend all those years ago; I had also lost the best friend I had ever had.

“Nick,” I said his name warmly and deeply, and he reached across the table and squeezed my fingers. We gazed at each other for a few seconds and time seemed to stand still as we slowly took in each other’s faces once again.

“I’m sorry.” His words were slow and deliberate. “I’m sorry about what happened.”

“It’s not your fault.” I smiled at him gently and in that moment I knew it was true. “You don’t have to apologize. You were right you know, all those years ago, I was becoming a bitch.” My voice caught, and I looked away. “You deserved better than me.”

“There is no better.” His words were a whisper, and I wasn’t sure that I had heard him correctly. I didn’t want him to give me a hope. There was no room for hope in life. Everything in my life was shit. I was a loser. I’d had the world and lost it all.

“It looks like you are doing well for yourself.” I offered him a wide smile, as I changed the subject, I didn’t want to go backwards, and I didn’t want to relive the pain of the last two years.

“How are you really?” His voice was urgent as he leaned forward. “Your parents left town a few months after we broke up, and none of us knew what happened to you, and you never answered any of my calls.” He took a breath. “I was worried about you.”

“They moved to Florida.” I stared at a spot on the wall past his head. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to look into his green eyes. They reminded me of too many broken promises. Too many dreams and hopes that had never come true. They reminded me of love and I no longer believed in love. “They didn’t want to stay in Herne Hill anymore.” I fidgeted with my fingers, and he grabbed a hold of them. I looked up at him again and he stroked my fingers softly, his eyes never leaving mine. “My parents had to sell the house, due to some bad business deals my dad had.” I laughed bitterly. “Ironic, huh? They always judged you for being poor but look what happened to them.”

“You were still my friend, though. You still dated me.” His eyes looked searchingly into mine. “It didn’t matter to you that I was poor.”

“Not at all.” I said honestly. “Money didn’t mean anything to me. You were you and I was me and that was all that mattered.”

“We really screwed up, didn’t we, Snitch?” He sighed and squeezed my hand. “We really fucked this up.”

I nodded mutely. There were so many things I had done wrong in my life, and I wasn’t quite sure how I had gotten to this place. I couldn’t blame Nick though. It wasn’t my heartbreak that had led me to this place. My decline had started before we broke up, and I had just spiraled out of control once he was out of my life. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about what would have been, if I had just stayed with Nick and not gone to Harvard.

“I missed you, Snitch.” His words interrupted my thoughts and I let the sound reverberate in my ears and brain. He missed me. I hadn’t heard anything that had made me happier in years.

“I missed you too, Nick.” My voice was earnest and pained. The words seemed inadequate to express just how much I had yearned for him. How much my heart had hoped to sing our song again.

“Where did we go wrong?” His voice was a whisper. “I just don’t know, I’ve thought about it and thought about it and I just don’t understand how it all fell apart.”

“We were young and dumb.” I laughed painfully. “I guess you were right that day, young love never lasts.”

“I loved you from the first day I saw you, you know.”

“Yeah you told me before. When we met in the hallways, right?” I looked at him with a small smile. “The day we bunked off for the book signing, right?” I had never told him that that had been when I had fallen in love with him before.

“No, my first day of school.” He laughed. “That’s why I cheated off of your test. I wanted to see what you would do. I wanted to get your attention. But instead, I got in trouble with the teacher and you gave me the cold shoulder.” He shook his head as he laughed. “So, I decided to come up with a new plan to garner your attention. I was shocked when I saw you sneak out of the class that day. I didn’t know where you were going but I knew that I wanted to go to. Even if it meant I had to go and see Nicole Krauss. That’s why I was in the hallway, conveniently waiting for you. I was waiting around to see you after your class, but you exited before class was over.”

“I didn’t know.” I frowned and looked up at him. “You never told me that before.” My heart started thumping as I thought of all he had gone through to get to know me. “I just thought you were hanging out in the hallway.”

“I’m not the sort of guy that plays his hand too early.” He laughed and ran his hands through his hair again and I stared at his silky tresses.

“I see.” I wanted to ask him what else he had done to get my attention. I wanted to ask him when he’d given up on me and stopped loving me, but I was scared to hear the answer.

“But I folded too early.” He licked his lips, and his gaze never left mine.

“Oh?” A yearning of something awoke in me, and I sat up straighter and tried to smooth down my hair. My heart was beating quickly, and all of a sudden, a fountain of hope sprung within me.

“Do you hate me?” He leaned towards me, his eyes full of angst. “I hate myself for what I did to you.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I understand why you cheated, or moved on.” I gave him an understanding smile. “And I could never hate you, Nick.”

“I’m not talking about hating me for how we ended.” He shook his head and sighed. “I’ll always hate myself for that. I’ll never forgive myself for that day in the bar, but that’s not all I hate about myself. I’m talking about the other stuff.” He took a deep breath. “I know about the alcohol, Lucy. I just don’t know if it was my fault.”

“What?” My eyes widened, and I sat back. “What are you talking about?” My head felt warm, and I gazed at him in shock.

“I know you lost your job.”

“It was because of the economy,” I sputtered out, panic in my tone as my face reddened. Did he really know how low I’d sunk?

“What did you buy in the liquor store?” He questioned me gently.

“What, what are you talking about?” My face heated up, and I wanted to run out of the coffee shop. “Why are you attacking me?” I felt tears welling in my eyes. I wasn’t ready to explain my life to him. Was that why he was here? Was he here to fix me? Did he think he’d broken me and now it was up to him to put me back together?

“I was waiting for you outside your apartment. I was working up the courage to go into your building and talk to you. But then I saw you leave, and I followed you.” He stared into my eyes. “I’m not proud of following you, but then I saw you go in the liquor store and my heart fell.”

“But you bumped into me afterwards.” I sputtered. “You didn’t say you had seen me…”

“I was waiting for you.”  He sighed. “I was scared of your reaction, but when I saw you come out; my beautiful, wonderful Lucy, with that look of anguish on your face, I knew I couldn’t afford to be scared any longer.”

“Wait, what, I…” My voice trailed off. “Why?”

“I’ve been looking for you.” He grabbed my hands again. “I went to Boston and to the Harvard campus every couple of weeks, Lucy. I’ve missed you so much. I needed to find you. After about five trips, I finally convinced someone to give me some information on your whereabouts and I found out where you were working. Then, I went to your job and HR told me you were fired for coming to work drunk.”

“They had it wrong,” I cried out. “I was on Nyquil.” And then I frowned. “Who at HR said that? That’s illegal, I’m going to sue them, I’m going to —”

“Lucy, it took a lot for me to get that information.” He shook his head as he interrupted me. “It broke my heart when I heard. I told them you were my long lost sister and they gave me your last known address.” He paused, and I could see his eyes darken. “I went to that shithole you live in to find you last week as well, but you weren’t there.”

“I’m going to move from there, when I get a new job.” My words tripped out in a rush. I hated that he had seen the squalor I lived in. I hated that I was in the worst place in my life and this was when he was coming back into it.

“I don’t want you living there, or living this life any more Lucy, I want to help you.” He reached out to grab my hand again. “We can get you a sponsor.”

“I didn’t get alcohol.” I denied his accusations again and looked down angry and upset.

“Let me see in your bag.” His voice was soft and I shook my head. I didn’t want him to see that what I had in the brown bag.

“I’m sorry.” I grabbed my bag and held it to me.

“I failed you, Lucy.” He ran his hands through his hair again, and I could see the pain in his eyes. “Give me a chance to help you, please.”

“It’s not your fault.” I sighed. “I’m not an alcoholic, Nick.”

“I saw the signs.” He bit his lip, and frowned. “I saw how much you were drinking in college. I saw how much you changed. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t have a problem.” My voice was weak as I shook my pale face. Didn’t he understand that I didn’t have a problem? It wasn’t the alcohol that had consumed my every waking hour; it was my thoughts of him

“But I lost you anyway.” His voice broke as he stared at me. “And what did that help? I won’t lose you again and I won’t let you drink yourself to death.”

“I’m not an alcoholic.” My voice was loud, and I saw the people at the next table staring at me. “I’m not an alcoholic.” I said the words again, lower this time. I ignored the voice in my head that was screaming at me.
Just tell him, just tell him
.

“I still love you, Lucy.” He moved his chair so that he was closer to me. “I can help you.”

“No, you don’t.” My voice sounded weak, even to me. “You didn’t want me anymore. You cheated on me.”

“I was too young and immature to understand what was going on.” He sighed. “I thought you were rejecting me, but I understand now. The pressure of Harvard and being by yourself, it was a lot. And I didn’t understand. Or, I didn’t want to understand. I wanted it to be as it had always been. You and me against the world. But you moved to a different world. And I moved to a different world. And our two worlds didn’t mix. You were with the blue bloods in Cambridge and I was with the regular folks back in Herne Hill.”

“Nick…” My voice caught.