The Point of Vanishing (21 page)

Gratitude is the happiest form of debt—the accounts are incalculable, and the only way to square them is by trying to do good work and by trying to be generous in the ways others have been generous to you. In other words, I will forever be working to repay:

My family: Mom, Dad, and Matt, all of whom supported this book without knowing what was in it, which means, really, that they supported me. The years the book contains, and the years it took to write, weren't easy on any of us, and their love helped me more than I can say.

My early mentors: Robert Coles and Ron Carlson—for their examples, their profound decency, and their encouragement. Thanks also to Alison Hawthorne Deming, Jane Miller, Steve Orlen, Boyer Rickel, and everyone at the University of Arizona MFA program.

The residencies where I wrote so much of the book: Ucross, Blue Mountain Center, Virginia Center for the Creative Arts, Kimmel Harding Nelson, the Anderson Center, the Norman Mailer Center, Hambidge, and the Vermont Studio Center. Special thanks to Harriet Barlow, Ben Strader, Ruth Salvatore, Sharon Dynak, and Gary Clark.

My early readers, for their insights and their belief in the project: Susan Choi, David Ebershoff, Albert LaFarge, Caryn Cardello, Julie Bloemeke, Cornelius Howland, Jill Gallenstein, Aaron Goldberg, Leah Gillis, Peter Derby, Chris Boucher, Katherine Cohen, and Aaron Richmond.

My later readers: Tanya Larkin, Helena de Bres, and Mary Marbourg, for their keen intellectual responses to the ideas and their deeply felt personal responses to the emotions.

The community: everyone at Grub Street, especially Chip Cheek, Chris Castellani, Sonya Larson, Alison Murphy, Sean Van Deuren, Lauren Rheaume, and to James Scott for bringing me into the fold. To my memoir students, who, through their own writing, reminded me of what memoir can do. And to my students at the University of Arizona, Wentworth Institute of Technology, and Framingham State, whose questions about the book helped me understand the story I was telling. And to my WIT colleagues: Devon Sprague, Max Grinnell, and Loren Sparling.

For behind-the-scenes understanding and guidance: Linda Madoff, Jami Axelrod, Alicia Pritt, Jodi Heyman, Shuchi Saraswat, Jaime Clark, Mary Cotton, Bill McKibben, Wendy Wakeman, Vicki Kennedy, Doris Cooper, Katherine Fausset, Leslie Jamison, Adelle Waldman, David Macmillan, and Bill Hayes. And to Sophie Barbasch, for the photograph and for all the great cartoons.

A special thank-you to Anne LeClaire, for reading an early draft and believing in it enough to introduce me to her agent, Deborah Schneider, and to Bella Pollen, for being such a kind and generous reader.

And to Oliver Sacks, for his insight, his kindness, and for giving the book the highest compliment it could possibly receive.

To Charles Bock, for guiding me through every stage, including that talk in Central Park before my meetings with agents and for being such a smart and abiding friend. A mensch in every possible way.

To Deborah Schneider, my superhero agent, who saw the book I was writing even when I couldn't and who always knew
how and when to fight. She was the fearless advocate this project needed, and she earned my trust in hundreds of ways. Thanks also to Victoria Marini and to everyone at Gelfman Schneider/ICM Partners and Curtis Brown in London.

To Alexis Rizzuto, my editor, for her immediate and intuitive understanding of the book and for her tireless attention to detail. Also, to Helene Atwan, Tom Hallock, Rob Arnold, Will Myers, and the whole team at Beacon Press. I'm so proud to be on the Beacon list.

To Ray Hearey, who I thought of so often while writing and whose friendship was always with me, even from across the country.

To Andrew Rueb, a true friend through everything. For all the dinners, all the talks, all the faith. And for all the understanding, without needing to read a word.

And, lastly, one more thank-you to my parents. This book, in so many ways, is for you.

Beacon Press
Boston, Massachusetts
www.beacon.org

Beacon Press books
are published under the auspices of
the Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations.

© 2015 by Howard Axelrod
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America

18 17 16 15    8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Text design and composition by Wilsted & Taylor

Some names and identifying characteristics of people mentioned in this work have been changed to protect their identities.

Tomas Tranströmer, excerpt from “Preludes,” translated by Robert Bly, from
The Half-Finished Heaven: The Best Poems of Tomas Tranströmer.
Copyright © 2001 by Tomas Tranströmer. Translation copyright © 2001 by Robert Bly. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, Inc., on behalf of Graywolf Press, Minneapolis, MN,
http://www.graywolfpress.org
.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Axelrod, Howard.

The point of vanishing : a memoir of two years in solitude / Howard Axelrod.

pages cm

ISBN 978-0-8070-7546-3 (paperback : acid-free paper)

ISBN 978-0-8070-7547-0 (ebook)

1. Axelrod, Howard, 1973– 2. Young men—United States—Biography. 3. People with visual disabilities—United States—Biography. 4. Eye—Wounds and injuries—Patients—United States—Biography. 5. Vision, Monocular—Psychological aspects. 6. Axelrod, Howard, 1973—Homes and haunts—Vermont. 7. Solitude—Psychological aspects. 8. Visual perception. 9. Self-perception. 10. Vermont—Biography. I. Title.

CT275.A95245A3 2015

614.5′997092—dc23

[B]

2015004216