The P.J. Stone Gates Trilogy (#1-3) (29 page)

I started to lose track of time, of how many days I’d been in my gilded prison, and it was tearing me up to know that Bryn was being held captive somewhere in the very same castle, and probably not with the same level of amenities. I knew what I needed to do to free him, but every time I thought I’d built up enough courage to call Khol to give him what he was waiting for, the words lodged themselves in my throat. The thought of being with Khol, of having sex with him, made me feel sick, especially when I’d be doing it with Bryn under the very same roof. The thought of suicide still weighed heavily on my mind, but the biggest problem with that plan was that I didn’t really want to die. I was just looking for a way out. And I’d still have to let Khol claim me first to ensure that Bryn would be released. I’d gone over and over things in my mind, and I couldn’t come up with any other option to save Bryn. I was going to have to give myself to Khol to free him. I just had one question first.

“Drake,” I called.

The massive dragon appeared seconds after I summoned him. “Yes.” He looked at me disdainfully. “What can I do for you?”

“I just have a question for you and then you can go.” He nodded once at me to let me know he was waiting for me to ask him. “Khol told me that once a male dragon was in love, he would love her forever, even if she went on to bond with someone else. What happens if she dies?” He tilted his head inquisitively at me. “I mean, if something happened to me, would Khol continue to not desire anyone else, or would he be free to move on?” The real question was: would Bryn be free to move on?

“My Lord would be free to move on if you died, whether you were bonded to him or not, in theory. Although some
Anam Cara
pairs, if they’re bonded for long enough, die of grief when one of them is killed.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks. You can go now.” Drake eyed me speculatively for another few moments before disappearing.

Suddenly lightheaded, I slid down to sit on the floor where I was. So Bryn would be free if I killed myself. He would be able to move on and love someone else someday, and even though the thought ripped at my chest, I knew I had to do that for him—I just had to. I wouldn’t doom him to becoming some kind of servant for me. He deserved better than that. I had no other options. I would let Khol claim me so that I could guarantee Bryn’s freedom, and then I would end my own life. I put my head in my hands and began to sob. I really, really didn’t want to die. My life had just started. And who would help track down the aliens to stop them from taking over our world once I was gone? I stood abruptly and sniffled, wiping my tears away. None of that mattered, as long as Bryn got a chance at true happiness. Bryn would always be the most important thing in my life, and I would always do whatever necessary to protect him.

“Khol,” I croaked. “Khol—I’m ready.”
Am I really ready to die though?
Can I really do this?

Khol appeared in front of me only a few inches away, pushed me back onto the bed, and covered me with his body as he aggressively kissed me. He was obviously ready to get down to business, and maybe it was better that way, so I wouldn’t have a chance to overthink things and lose my nerve.

My body immediately responded to his heated kisses, even as my heart froze like a block of ice inside my chest. As he tore at my clothes, I found myself arching up to meet him, wanting—at least physically—what he had to offer. Too soon, or not soon enough, we were both naked, and Khol was claiming parts of my body with his touch that I had sworn only Bryn would ever know. I clawed and bit at Khol, wanting to hurt him in some way as he rocked into me, hating and loving what he was doing to me at the same time. Things with him were different than they’d been with Bryn. There was no soul-deep feeling of connection. There was no feeling of being exactly where I belonged. All I felt was intense physical pleasure, which maybe would have been enough, if I didn’t know what I was missing.

Sweltering heat seeped out of Khol and wrapped itself around me as the back of my neck started to burn. “You belong to me now,” Khol growled as he looked down at me, capturing my gaze. “Say it.”

“Yes,” I gasped on the tail end of a moan, wishing I could deny the words, but I felt it—I felt his magic burning me, branding me, making me his.

“And I’m yours. Say it.”

“Yes. You’re mine.” And then I arched up one last time before I blacked out.

I let Khol claim me
, I remembered as I slowly fought my way back to consciousness, and it left me empty—oh so empty. When I’d been with Bryn, I’d felt so good, so right, but being with Khol had been wrong—even if he had brought me pleasure. Maybe it wouldn’t be as difficult as I thought to take my own life after letting Khol claim me. Had Bryn felt our connection breaking? Surely he had to have. What must he think of me now, knowing what I’d done to make that happen?

I blinked my eyes open to find that I was alone, no Khol to be found. Well, isn’t that nice? He finally got what he wanted, and he didn’t bother to stick around afterwards. I lurched from bed, stumbling towards the bathroom, not caring if I was naked or not. It didn’t matter for what I was about to do. I shut and locked the door and started the water running for the bath. As the hot water filled the tub, I scanned the bathroom for options. My eyes stopped when they ran over a small hand mirror. I snatched it up and broke it on the counter, picking up the largest shard.
I have to do it—I have to do it now before I lose my courage
. I stepped into the tub, hardly noticing when the much too hot water practically scalded me, and sank down in the nearly full bath. I set the glass shard on the edge. When the water covered me up past my chest, I turned it off, picked up the shard, and leaned back.

I passed the glass shard back and forth between my hands, watching the lights glint menacingly off its surface.
I have to do it—there is no other way
. I refused to doom Bryn to a miserable life. My death would bring him happiness. Besides that, the emptiness that was eating at me already, knowing I could never have him again, was enough to make me want to end my life all in itself. But I wouldn’t have done it for myself. I’d always thought suicide was the coward’s way out, an easy escape from problems that would only make a person stronger if they stayed to face them. What would have happened if the hero of a story died before they had a chance to become who they were really meant to be? I never thought myself capable of doing such a thing, but then again, maybe I wasn’t the hero of this story. I wanted to live—even now as I readied myself for death—I craved life. There was still so much to do, so much to experience, the good and the bad. I didn’t want to die now. No—it wasn’t time for selfish thoughts. This is for Bryn.
Everything is for Bryn.

I held the glass tightly in my right hand, so tightly that I drew blood, just not from the right place . . . yet. I pressed the glass to my left wrist, making sure I cut deeply and quickly, barely able to grip it in my left hand to repeat the process on my right wrist. I just had to hope it was enough. Dropping the shard and sinking back into the tub, I closed my eyes and waited for death—my
death.

“No!” Someone roared with outrage, but it was far away—much too far away—for me to care.

“Peej! How could you do this? How could you let this happen?” Another voice sounded from much too far away. “Save her!”

But I was just sleepy . . . too sleepy to care.

My eyes fluttered open to bright light shining on my face.
The sun
, it warmed and comforted me. I stretched as I yawned, sitting up in the middle of a pallet set up in the center of an immense garden. Strong, warm arms held me at my waist, and I looked down with a smile as I recognized the long masculine fingers and who they belonged to. “Bryn,” I murmured, twisting around to see his sleeping face steeped in the brightness of the day. I stroked my fingers down his cheek and ran my hands through his silky mane of black hair.
I must be dead
, I mused,
for certainly waking up in Bryn’s arms is heaven.

Just then he stirred, his dark lashes cracking open to allow me to see his sea storm eyes churning with emotion. “Peej,” he whispered in a rough voice as I suddenly found myself on my back with him pinning me down. His face became a mixture of anger and agony. “Don’t you ever fucking do something like that again. Do you hear me?”

His fingers bit into my arms, and I wriggled against him. “I don’t understand.” My face furrowed with uncertainty, was I dead or not? Because angry Bryn wasn’t one I wanted in my own personal heaven. Maybe I should clarify. “I did it for you. Everything was for you.”

“You tried to end your life for me? Why? Why would you think that’s something I could live with?” Bryn growled.

Not dead then. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see his anger anymore. “I had to free you. I wasn’t going to get you either way, so I at least wanted you to get a chance at happiness. Once I was dead, you would have been free to love someone else, bond with someone else.”

Bryn shook me, causing my eyes to snap back open. “When did you get to be so stupid? Dead or alive, I’m never going to love anyone else.” He continued shaking me until I felt sure my teeth were going to fall out, then he lifted me up and wrapped his arms around me. “Oh God, Peej, I’ll never be able to erase that image from my mind—I thought you were dead.”

“How am I not?” I whispered into his chest. “And where is Khol? Why is he letting us be together now?” My throat constricted with panic. If I wasn’t dead, then that meant I was bonded with Khol.
No, no, no, no, no.

“He healed you. He was releasing me when he felt something was wrong with you, and he brought me with him since he was touching me and he was in a panic.”

I stiffened and pulled far enough back from Bryn to look up at him. “So, I’m still bonded with him?” I’d tried to kill myself all for nothing. I tore my body away from Bryn’s grasp and stared down at my completely unmarred wrists. Something in me snapped, or maybe it had snapped a long time ago, and I’d never been the same. I started clawing at my wrists as I cried out in frustration. “You should have let me die!” I screeched hysterically.

“Stop,” Bryn commanded as he grabbed my hands to keep me from hurting myself. “You’re not bonded with him anymore. You were dead for a second, or near death—I don’t really know which. But your soul left your body, breaking the
Anam Cara
magic. You’re not bonded with either of us.”

I met his gaze with hope. “So we can be together? Me and you, like it’s supposed to be?” If he still wanted me after what I’d done—and I wasn’t talking about the attempted suicide, I was talking about letting Khol claim me. I’d been with someone else besides him. Maybe he wouldn’t want me anymore. “Unless . . . unless you don’t want me anymore,” I added with a shaky voice.

Bryn looked at me like I’d sprouted two heads. “Maybe you have lost it if you think that. Why would you think that?”

“Because I was with him—I let him—oh God—” I crumpled to the ground, unable to stop the sobs from wracking my body.

Bryn took me in his arms, enveloping me with his warmth. “That doesn’t matter. I’ll always love you no matter what happens. You didn’t betray me on purpose. I know you never would.”

“But I enjoyed it. It felt good,” I croaked into his chest.

“I don’t get it. Are you trying to talk me out of wanting to be with you?”

“You have the right to know. You need to know that you deserve someone better than a slut like me.”

“What?” He pulled me back to look in my eyes with an incredulous expression. “You think that makes you a slut? Peej—don’t you know that I could never want anyone but you? I love you unconditionally. Always.”

Bryn’s lips came crashing down on mine, and his tongue swept into my mouth with a mixture of his taste, and salt from my tears. My hands tangled in his hair as I struggled to get closer to him.
Home
, he was my home. His hands ran over my body as if he was checking to make sure I was real before his motions changed into something with more intent. I wrapped myself around him, needing to feel his skin under my hands, needing to absorb the taste of him on my tongue. I hadn’t really thought about what I was wearing, but when the cool air touched my heated flesh as Bryn parted the front of my soft and fuzzy robe, I shuddered as goose bumps erupted all over me.