The Perfection Paradox (27 page)

It didn’t
hurt.

Nothing hurt
anymore except for Kennedy and her words.

“
Please stop
Hunter…
Please
…
You’re scaring me…” Kennedy begged.

He spun round
to face her.

“
What was all
this to you? A
game
? A game I lost? Or a test I didn’t pass?” his hoarse voice
cracked as tears gleamed in his eyes. “Were you just deciding
whether or not you wanted me this whole time? Did you
ever
think of me? At
night? When you were lying in your bed? Because I thought of you, I
thought of you every night” his rasping tone had grown to a
desperate yowl. “Was I just a
joke
to you?” His eyes were red and swollen from
crying, his breathing sharp and shrill. He was staring at her, his
eyes searching her own hopelessly.

“
Maybe I was
a fucking idiot, I looked in your eyes and saw something that
wasn’t there, I got caught up in you, in the
idea
of you, and I never really
stood a chance.” Even now Hunter was astounded at her beauty. It
was
unbearable
.

It made
losing her
unbearable
, even when he’d never had her.

Still she
just looked up at him sombrely, no tears, no regret.

He wanted her
to cry over him, he wanted her to feel guilt and hurt and jealousy
and loss, all the emotions she’d inadvertently made him
feel.

He turned
away from her, leaning his tear-stained face against the wall,
shaking his head slowly.

“
I
hate
you, I hate every
minute, every hour, every day I spent thinking about you. I hate
how unyielding you are, how you never really let me in.”

He moved
towards her slowly, his bloodshot eyes drained and exhausted,
raising his hands and holding her warm soft face, caressing her
cheeks.

He leaned
forward and kissed her tenderly on the forehead, tears streaming
down his face and his body shaking with the effort of stifling his
agony.

“
You
ruined
me.” He whispered
fiercely in her ear.

Hunter
couldn’t stand it.

He turned
back to his car and got in, turning the key in the ignition and
reversing dangerously. He hurdled down the street, away from
Kennedy, trying to block out the feelings boiling up inside him. He
wouldn’t allow anyone to make him feel like this, to make him lose
control of his emotions.

The epiphany
was like finally awakening from some far-fetched pipe
dream.

She didn’t
want him. She never had and she never would.

In some queer
way, it was a relief. So much energy and time invested in her, so
many frustrations suffered.

He’d never
been much of a chaser, but he’d chased her.

At least now
he knew beyond doubt. She would
never
be his.

Maybe she was
too beautiful even for him.

He had tried
to be perfect for her, but it hadn’t been enough.

He’d lost for
the first time, the Pyrrhic battle for Kennedy Blakewood’s
heart.

32.

“
Congratulations to this year’s graduating class!” Principal
Andrews exclaimed, his voice booming deeply through the industrial
speakers.

The five
hundred students of the graduating class leapt to their feet,
tossing their red velvet trimmed caps high into the air, laughing
and cheering ecstatically, hugging their neighbouring
friends.

Matt had
joined in with the tradition, throwing his too-small cap into the
air meekly.

He still had
Kennedy’s valedictorian speech ringing in his ears, each word
verbal ecstasy to his craving ears.

It had been
wonderful.

Throughout it
Matt had felt as if she was talking directly to him. She spoke of
challenges overcome, obstacles to be faced, the fun that they had
had as well as the tears cried. The lessons they’d learnt that
they’d use in the years to come. The realization of who we are, of
the different troubles we each bear, the price of
success.

Matt could
never have recounted it as eloquently or charmingly as Kennedy, and
already he was clutching at memories, trying to preserve her
words.

Matt was
shaken from his thoughts by his family, his mother threw her arms
around him, sniffling into his shoulder, muttering phrases like
“
so proud
” and
“
my little boy
”
every few seconds.

His father
patted his shoulder solidly, nodding his head at him proudly, his
mouth pressed tight.

His sister
hit his arm playfully and mumbled “Congratulations dork…” though a
smile played on her lips.

“
They’ve got
a drinks gazebo set up back there” Matt’s father indicated to a
tent behind the seemingly endless rows of seats, “How about a beer
on your big day son?” he asked, with a failed attempt at sounding
casual.

Matt blinked
at his father for a second, feeling sure he’d misunderstood him,
before nodding a little
too
enthusiastically.

With another
firm pat, his father headed over to the drinks stand, leaving Matt
to bask in his mother’s borderline embarrassing
affection.

He glanced
around at the nearby families, beaming parents not unlike his
own.

His eyes
settled on Kennedy. Some sleeping beast inside him threw its head
back and roared, and without properly thinking through what he was
doing, he began to push through the crowd towards her.

Before he
knew it he was stood beside her, closer than he’d ever been, their
bodies virtually touching. It was now or never.

“
Your speech
was great!” Matt exclaimed loudly, not even able to look directly
at her, instead looking past her into the distance
nervously.

He realized
this might make him seem cross eyed, as if he didn’t have enough
obstacles to overcome, so forced himself to look at her.

It was like
looking into the sun.

Too bright
and beautiful to handle.

Kennedy
turned to face him, her hair cascading over her shoulders
wildly.

She looked at
him, a glossy white smile spreading across her face.

And those
eyes. Oh, those eyes. He could get lost in them, happily,
endlessly.

She was so
glorious it made him feel light-headed. The sun brought her skin to
life and it glowed warmly. Her pink lips, her nose, her eyelashes.
Matt felt a shiver run down his spine.

“
I’m glad you
liked it, I was worried it was a bit cliché”

It had been
more than two years since they’d last spoken, and he was just as
transfixed as the first time.

Even her
voice was bewitching in its pleasure. It reminded him of the
content touch of sunshine on skin, warm and pleasant. And that
smile, a smile filled with beauty, charisma, sensuality, mischief,
melancholy, nostalgia, all at once. It seemed to reminisce on some
distant memory only the two of you shared every time she looked at
you.

“
No, it was
perfect, you did a great job” He could feel himself grinning at her
goofily but could do nothing to stop it. “What are your plans after
graduation?” Matt asked, not allowing the conversation to pause for
long enough to become awkward.

“
I’ll be
going to Harvard” she replied, a little automatically.

She’d clearly
been asked this many times before.

 “
What
about you?” she replied. She was the first person who had even
bothered to ask him. He had barely spoken to Jerry, Miles and Roger
since the cafeteria incident. They seemed to have realized high
school was ending and their friendship was no longer needed to
guarantee their survival.

Kennedy’s
mother interrupted before Matt could answer.

“
Kennedy
darling, we’re taking a family picture in a minute, why don’t you
go freshen up quickly” and before Kennedy could reply she was
gone.

“
I better go”
she started, “family picture awaits”. She sounded less engaged all
of a sudden.

“
Kennedy?”
Matt asked softly, regaining her attention. He’d meant to say it in
his head, but the words had erupted from his mouth before he could
stop them. “I really hope you are happy next year. I mean that,
well and truly happy.”

Kennedy’s
expression had changed, she was studying him quietly, her brows
furrowed, a hint of vulnerability in her eyes, or was that
fear?

She peered up
at him with her large cerulean eyes, trying to process him,
understand him.

Finally she
mumbled “thank you” under her breath and just as Matt turned to
leave she caught hold of his arm.

He turned
back, questioningly.

“
I hope
you’re happy too Matt”

He gave her a
small nod and took several steps before realizing.

“
She knows my
nam
e…” he whispered to himself, hovering
on the same spot for a second, a faint smile on his lips, before
pushing gently through the crowd to where his father stood, a
plastic cup of frosty beer gripped in his hand.

The sun
seemed brighter and the day more vivid all of a sudden. She really
was
so
beautiful. 

33.

Emily rang
the front door bell. The cool summer air blew her hair, which she'd
desperately been trying to tame on her way over to Hunter's house.
She flattened her dress against her legs nervously and crossed her
arms, before pressing them to her side again awkwardly.

The door
opened and Hunter stood on the threshold, he looked surprised to
see Emily, like he’d been expecting someone else.

This threw
Emily off temporarily.

"Hi..." she
muttered, trying to remember the words she'd been reiterating on
the journey over.

"Emily...
this really isn't a good time..." Hunter whispered, looking over
his shoulder before closing the door behind him and stepping out on
to the front porch.

"I know I
know, but I have something I need to say, and if I don't say it now
I never will."

"Emily
please, can we talk some other time...?"

"Hunter, I
love you" she blurted out. She felt her face burning up "I mean...
I really like you, I've had feelings for you for a long time, and I
know you want Kennedy, but maybe now I've told you it changes
things, changes your feelings?"

She waited a
couple of seconds for a reply that didn’t come. Hunter looked lost
for words.

"I just... I
just needed you to know, now that we've graduated and we’re going
our separate ways I have nothing to lose... and I thought maybe you
might feel the same?"

An awkward
silence followed…

"Or
not?"

Emily felt
her face flush, this was a terrible idea, what was she
doing?

"Emily, I'm
really sorry, but you couldn't have picked a worse time to say all
this, I literally cannot have this conversation right now, I hope
you'll understand, but I can't talk about this now."

Emily felt
rage build up inside her.

"Why? Why
won't you give anyone else a chance? How do you know I wouldn't
make you as happy as she would, happier even?” she
demanded.

“
I hate you.
You're going to spend your whole life wanting someone who will
never want you back, and you are going to turn away and hurt so
many girls who might've been perfect for you, just because you
couldn't stand not getting the one girl who didn't want
you."

Hunter shook
his head "You just don't get it, and I can't tell you, it's too
hard to say. I'm sorry." He said quietly.

“
I hope
you
never
get
her. I hope she is everything you will
never
have.” She spat at him
vituperatively.

Hunter
shrugged helplessly, pushed open the front door, slipped back into
the hallway and closed it in her face.

Emily was
astonished. She couldn't believe what had just happened, how he had
just responded.

Tears stung
her eyes and she felt physically sick.

She stumbled
down the path back to her car but dropped onto the curb before she
managed to make it.

She held her
head in her hands and sobbed, allowing every pent up emotion, every
frustration she had tried to hide, to erupt from her now. Whatever
she’d thought before, this was the nadir of heartbreak.

She hated
him. She hated him and she loved him, but he
loved 
her
.
Emily had put her heart on the line and now she had nothing. Hunter
wouldn't even want to be her friend after this, and he
definitely
didn't want
to be her boyfriend.