The Perfect Emotion (5 page)

“Hey, you’re up early?” With a full smile on his face he steps a little closer. I want to back up, but I don’t really have any room because I hit the wall of glass looking out onto the courts. I take in his face and realize he looks different without his glasses on.

“Yea, I wanted to get in my routine before I hit the books again,” I say with a pleasant tone trying desperately to hide the disappointment.  Suddenly, I’m nervous that Reed won’t show up as Andy moves to the glass as well and leans against it facing me. 

“Nice. So, did you play already or are you just going out now?”

“I’m just-,“ Before I can finish I hear the smoothest voice finishing for me.  It’s soft and clear.  A heat radiates unto my back from the closeness and I desperately want to bury myself in the familiar scent.  Instead my body tenses, my heart becomes rapid and my knees start to feel like they’ll buckle.

“Hey. It’s Andy, right? She’s just about to head out there.” Reed says with all the confidence in the world.

“Uh, yea, cool, I guess I’ll see you later, Kate.” Andy says on a shaky voice.

“Ready?”  Reed says as he moves in front of me so that I can see him.  I’ve lost my voice.  I’m speechless.  All I can do is nod and then move one foot in front of the other as I follow his lead to the courts.  I turn and wave back to Andy who looks baffled.   

I follow loosely behind taking in Reed’s physique. It’s staggering. I’ve yet to get a good look at his eyes. God, his eyes, I’ll get lost. I sigh knowing he can’t hear me. What I wouldn’t do to get lost again. We hit the courts and he has yet to turn back around to look at me. He strides over to the furthest side of the court. I curse myself for not warming up and pray that he takes it easy on me. I stretch my legs out and get in position ready for his serve. Normally I would love to serve first, but this would require me to talk to him.

“Love-Love.”  Reed says and then slams a powerful serve at me.  There is not a chance in hell I would return it.  I glare across the courts at him, but his face remains still, calm and … like always beautiful. 

We continue to play and Reed never lets up on me the whole time.  He is relentless.  I never get one small victory the whole time.  I keep thinking he will give me one of his delicious smiles and winks, but it never happens.  We play several games and the only words spoken are of the score.  After six games we each collapse to our side of the court drinking our water bottles.  I sit on my side panting and breathing fiercely in between chugging my water.  Moment’s pass and then Reed gets up.  He doesn’t look in my direction as he heads off the courts out the door and towards the locker room.  I sit there for an unknown amount of time catching my breath with visions of Reed’s athletic, lean and sexy body moving fluidly around the court. 

After I shower and clean up I spend the afternoon in the library studying.  I manage to avoid Andy by sitting in an area that I have never sat in before.  I like Andy, I really do, but beyond being study buddies probably not.  He’s nice though, but that’s all … and nice is a really boring description of someone to be romantically involved with.  Before I forget I decide to text Derek.

Hi, what r u up to? Kate

Studying, come over to hang later? D

K, let’s get dinner. Kate

I bury myself in my books for the next several hours and before I know it my stomach starts to growl. It’s almost six and I decide now is a good time to wrap up. Once I get down to the lobby of the library I start to bundle myself up. I realize I forgot my gloves again. Ugh, I really should get the clips to attach them to my coat like little kids have to keep their mittens from getting lost. I wrap my scarf a couple times around my neck and grab my bag, but when I look up I see Andy standing in front of me.

“Hey, there you are!”  Andy says with the same sweet smile he always has.  His glasses are back in place giving him back his sophisticated appearance. 

“Hi Andy, how’s it going?”  I ask and I get this strange sense he was hanging out here just waiting to see me. 

“Good, I couldn’t find you. Where did you study today?”

“Oh, I was on the other end today.  I needed to do some research down there.”  I lie and my stomach clenches as I do. 

“Ah, anyway, I wanted to ask you something.”  He pauses, waiting for confirmation to ask and I nod.  “I wanted to see if I could take you out to dinner tonight?”  The nervousness I normally hear in his voice is gone as if he rehearsed this. 

“Huh, um, I’m sorry I can’t tonight,” I say quietly. 

“Ok, ah, sure.” The nervous tone is back. “Are you busy with Reed?”

“What? No. I’m meeting a friend tonight.” I’m shocked by his boldness.

“Well, maybe another time then.” He looks defeated as he looks down at his feet with his hands in his pockets. I feel horrible, but I don’t want to lead him on in any way.

“Yea, maybe.  I have to go.  I’ll see you later though.”  I start to walk towards the door and turn back to wave goodbye. 

“Bye, Kate.” 

I get to Derek’s dorm relieved to be away from the awkwardness of Andy. I can’t help, but feel a little flustered though. As soon as Derek sees me it’s obvious that I am rattled. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Ugh, nothing.  It’s stupid, really,” I say as I try to push it off by waving my gloveless frozen hands. Derek laughs at me and I plop myself on his bed still bundled up.

“Doesn’t look like nothing?” He pauses and then asks, “Is it Reed?”

“Noooo.”  I let out a huff and then sit back up.  He’s getting his coat on and keeps his eyes on me.  “Ok fine, this guy from my study group asked me out.” 

“Really, who?  Do I know him?”

“Andy Callahan. He’s in most of my accounting classes.”

“I know him. He’s a nice guy. What did you say?”

“I said I had plans.  I don’t know how to handle it because I keep bumping into him and every time he asks me to do something.  Today I went and sat somewhere different in the library just to avoid him.”  Derek starts laughing as we walk out of his room. 

“Don’t laugh.”  I curse him.  “It’s not funny, I don’t want to lead him on.  I like him as a friend and to study, but that’s it.”

“He’ll get the hint. You’re good at being direct and honest.” I peek over at him and I can’t help, but notice the underlying message. He cocks at eyebrow and smirks. I know he’s referring to when I broke things off with him.

“Shut up.” I push his shoulder and stick my tongue out at him. We both start laughing, as he wraps an arm around my shoulder.

We head into Angie’s for pizza and grab a corner booth in the back.  Derek confidently orders a beer with his fake, but I stick to a coke.  He orders the pizza like we always get it half with pepperoni and half with spinach.  We relax back and talk about our week avoiding any major conversations.  I know I need to ask about Kelly, but I dread asking and getting involved in this way.  In order to prolong it I tell him about tennis with Reed today.  He listens and never asks anything too personal because he gets me in almost the same way Maggie does.  Once the pizza arrives we dive in and I moan in delight as the grumble in my stomach fades. 

“Mmmm, so freaking good,” I say. 

“Yep.  Way better than the caf.” I decide that I need to buck up and better to do it while he has a bite in his mouth.

“So, what’s up with you and Kel?” He stops chewing and rolls his eyes to the side. I keep my eyes on him though. I wait for him to reply, but he goes in for another bite. I bulge my eyes out and take in another bite myself.

“Wh-at?” He mumbles through his chewing.

“You know what,” I challenge him.

“Let me enjoy the pizza first, okay?”

“Fine.”  We finish up the whole pizza and I drink all my coke.  I wipe my hands up and sit back with my arms crossed under my chest and wait patiently.

“Ok, under one condition I’ll talk to you.” 

“What?” I honestly have no idea what he is going to throw my way, but I’m preparing myself for the worst. I cross my fingers against my chest that he doesn’t ask me to talk opening about Reed.

“Go see a movie with me after this.”  I laugh in relief.  “What did you think I was going to ask?”

“Nothing, but yea, I’ll go see a movie. I could use a break from studying, deal.” He smiles and the strain of worry sets in on his face. His hands move up and rub up and down on his eyes.

“What is it?” I ask cautiously. He takes a deep breath in and then hesitates for a moment longer. I don’t push and let him gather himself.

“I’m just not ready. I can’t do it. Shit.”

“Not ready for what?” I fear the worst and my heart hurts as I think about the sadness that spread over Kelly’s face today.

“To meet her parents and everything.”

“Why?” Again he hesitates, but I just wait patiently.

“Because I’m not like them.  I don’t come from that kind of money.  Don’t get me wrong my family is great, but I grew up in a small suburb where everyone knows everyone and the biggest house has three bedrooms and a basement.”

“That doesn’t matter Derek. Kelly is happy with you and I’ve never heard her talk like that.”

“I know; it’s not her.  Her parents sound like high society socialites.  They put a lot of pressure on her, including how she dresses.  It’s so different from how I grew up, ya know?”  I reach across and put my hand on his arm that is resting on the table and pat it gently.

“Hey, any parents would be lucky if their daughter brought you to dinner Derek. You are a great guy. Kelly adores you and she’s proud of you obviously.”

“Just not great enough for you though, huh?”  I glare at him and start to move away, but he grabs my arm.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean that Kate.  That was a selfish and stupid thing to say.”

“Forgiven,” I state flatly. 

“I’m sorry, you’re a great friend and I appreciate you talking to me. I don’t know what to do. I really like Kelly, I mean really like her. I guess probably more than like, but it’s so soon. I just don’t want to disappoint her or put myself out there to get rejected.” I move my hands to my chin and rest my elbows down on the table thinking about what to say. We sit in silence for a moment and it’s not uncomfortable.

“You need to just tell her what you are feeling.  She doesn’t even know this is the reason you don’t want to go and instead you are pushing her away.  But when you tell her and she reassures you, because I’m positive she will reassure you that she doesn’t care what her parents think remember that if you go you are going for her and not her parents. Sometimes you have to do things that you might not want to do for the people you care for or … even love.” I pause and take a in a breath and let it out. “At least that’s what I think.” As the words leave my mouth I can’t help and think of the things that my dad may have had to do for my mom more recently.  Then I think of Reed, my mind floods with the memories and words I left between us.  I wonder if what I did was a selfless act of love.

“Huh, never thought of it like that.  That’s some smart thinking.”  He doesn’t elaborate anymore on the subject.  I don’t push him any further because I’m hoping it’s enough.