The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (15 page)

5. I mentioned in this chapter that great relationships require continual investments of time, energy, care, and communication. Given the responsibilities and priorities of your life, how many truly great relationships do you think you can reasonably invest in?

7

What You Don’t Know
Can
Hurt You

T
HE
L
AW
A
GAINST
S
ECRETS

IMAGINE A COURTROOM FUL OF PEOPLE. Because of the crime committed, emotions are intense and drama is high. A person with a shady past and a résumé of suspect activities is accused of something that has harmed people terribly. He wants a chance to defend himself. After all, the prosecution has done their homework. They have grilled their witnesses. The situation does not look good for the defendant. He will do
anything
to avoid spending the rest of his life in prison. He just wants the opportunity to tell his story from his perspective, even though doing so is not a good idea.

The prosecution calls the defendant to the stand. His attorney’s heart sinks as she breathes a frustrated sigh.

In this scenario, the defendant’s lawyer knows what all good defense attorneys know. She knows he will try to spin the story in his favor, and she happens to know he is guilty as charged. She
also knows her client is not quite as smooth as he thinks he is, that somewhere in his testimony, he is likely to try so hard to present himself well that he will probably betray himself. She knows the defendant has one goal: to keep hidden the secrets that lie deep within his heart and mind. She also knows the prosecutor has only one goal: to somehow get the defendant to expose those secrets.

The members of the jury sit neatly in their box, and because doing so is human nature, they also expect the defendant to define himself and describe his activities in the best possible ways. They may be committed to being open-minded, but they know that if he is guilty, he will not admit it;
he will make every possible effort to keep his secrets.
Their job is to find the holes and inconsistencies in his story, to watch and listen to him carefully to see if he stumbles over his positive presentation of himself.

What I have just shared is a fictitious account of a trial in a courtroom. While this story is invented, it communicates enormously important lessons for the relationships of your life.

In times past, what we now refer to as
dating
, or getting to know an individual romantically, was called
courting
—and there is a reason for that. In a metaphorical way, courting people meant placing them on the “witness stand” and allowing them to testify about themselves. If you were the person trying to decide whether or not to proceed in a relationship, you would be seated in the jury box of the relationship in order to determine whether the person was telling the truth or hiding secrets. That kind of “courting” is still necessary today not only in potentially romantic alliances but in every kind of relationship. The ugly truth is that some people have deep secrets that influence every aspect of their lives, their personalities, and their relationships. Often, uncovering those secrets takes time, energy, and sensitivity, but it is a wise and important endeavor.

S
HINE THE
L
IGHT INTO
S
ECRET
P
LACES

I am sure you can think of stories or movies based on secrets. Sometimes the secret surrounds the location of a buried treasure. At other times it is a complicated, clandestine plot involving international espionage or an illicit love affair. As scripts and stories go, secrets can be intriguing, and trying to discover the truth can be intellectually invigorating. The opposite is true in relationships. Secrets can cause deep anguish, and getting to the truth can be tiring, frustrating, confusing, and even heartbreaking.

Most of us are familiar with the saying, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” The problem with that assertion is that
it’s wrong.
What we don’t know
can
hurt us; in fact, it can destroy us and devastate our relationships. Secrets build invisible walls around us, walls that other people perceive but cannot penetrate. What we don’t know also prevents transparency, openness, and intimacy. It forces us to tiptoe around certain subjects, and it will keep us from giving all of ourselves to another person and from fully receiving all the good others offer us. Keeping secrets will exhaust us, perhaps frighten us, and ultimately separate us from people we love and people who love us.

Most of us are familiar with the saying, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” The problem with that assertion is that
it’s wrong.
What we don’t know
can
hurt us.

While you cannot take responsibility for finding out the secrets of others, you
can
make sure that secrets do not hide inside you. In fact, one of the best ways to position yourself to be a strong, healthy
contributor to every relationship is to make sure you live “in the light,” free from the bondage and destructive influence of secrets (1 John 1:7).

This chapter is important because, while it does not focus as much as other chapters on interpersonal dealings with others, it explains one of the biggest barriers to intimacy and one of the most destructive forces in relationships—secrets. It will give you an opportunity to deal with this huge intimacy barrier in yourself so you can be a healthy, strong participant in great relationships. As you read the remainder of this chapter, I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:

• What is it about my thoughts, words, or actions that I do not want other people to know?

• What aspects of my thoughts, words, or actions do I wish God did not know?

• What am I most ashamed of about my past or about my life today?

• What am I most afraid to share with my spouse, potential spouse, or closest friends?

I realize you may not think you have any “deep, dark secrets,” and perhaps you don’t. But if there is even the
slightest
possibility you do, this chapter can set you free, change your life, and empower you to enjoy a quality of relationship with others you have never known before.

E
VERYBODY
C
AN
’
T
G
O
E
VERYWHERE

You may remember that the strong, handsome biblical figure named Samson had a relationship with a beautiful and obviously
irresistible woman named Delilah. Their interactions are proof positive that secrets can destroy both individuals and the relationships those individuals have with others. At the end of Samson and Delilah’s story, in the process of seducing him, Delilah persuades him to tell her the secret of his strength, which is his hair. Later, as he sleeps, she cuts his hair, robbing him of the strength for which he is famous and leaving him weak and helpless (Judg. 16:16–20).

But the damaging effect of secrets in Samson’s relationships did not start with Delilah and his hair. Samson had a pattern of establishing relationships that were not based on truth or authenticity. The evidence of this destructive pattern begins in Judges 14.

While visiting a place called Timnah, Samson catches his first glimpse of a woman (not Delilah) and decides immediately that she is the woman for him!

He says to his parents, “I have seen a woman in Timnah . . . get her for me as a wife” (Judg. 14:2
NKJV
).

Because this woman is a Philistine, Samson’s parents try to talk him out of a relationship with her.

Samson insists, “Get her for me, for she pleases me well” (Judg. 14:3
NKJV
).

Samson’s parents ultimately agree, not realizing their son’s connection with the Philistines, with all its drama and turmoil, is part of God’s plan to deliver His people from Philistine oppression.

Then the trouble starts. A seemingly innocent side trip around Timnah one day puts Samson on a precarious path. He decides, unwisely, to visit the nearby vineyards. Most likely the vineyard was a pleasant place—a nice area for people to visit. Most people probably had no reason to avoid it, but going there is a bad choice for Samson because he is a Nazarite, a person specially set apart for the purposes of God. Numbers 6:3–4 states clearly and firmly that a Nazarite must consecrate himself to the Lord:

He shall separate himself from wine and similar drink; he shall drink neither vinegar made from wine nor vinegar made from similar drink; neither shall he drink any grape juice, nor eat fresh grapes or raisins. All the days of his separation he shall eat nothing that is produced by the grapevine, from seed to skin. (
NKJV
)

As a Nazarite, Samson no doubt understood the commandment. When I read this passage, I cannot see that it leaves any room for misunderstanding or misinterpretation. The message is plain: “Stay away from grapes, from seed to skin!” In pronouncing the Nazarite vow, God includes strict prohibitions against wine, vinegar, grape juice, fresh grapes, and raisins.

Samson chooses to tread on dangerous ground when he goes to the vineyard. He intentionally places himself in the face of temptation. The Bible never tells us whether he ate a grape, chewed on a raisin, or had a few sips of wine in the vineyard; we simply know he was in a place he should not have been.

S
ECRET
P
LACES
L
EAD TO
S
ECRET
B
ATTLES

The next thing we know, Samson has a battle on his hands. I have a hard time believing that Samson gets caught off guard when a young lion roars at him in the vineyard, but Scripture clearly says he is surprised (Judg. 14:5). He knows the vineyard is not an acceptable place for him to be, so he really should not be shocked when he faces a threat as a result of being there.

When people take the risk of going to places they should not go, whether those are physical places like the vineyard in Timnah,
emotional places such as jealousy or bitterness, “cyber” places such as pornographic websites, or places of bad habits or bad influences, trouble is always at hand. A battle is guaranteed to break out.

When Samson first compromises his Nazarite vow, he begins to lose everything God has for him. Not only that, but eventually he loses the presence of God Himself. Judges 16:20 tells us that “the L
ORD
had departed from him” (
NKJV
). I do not think his life had to end that way, but at the same time I see clearly that he took his first step down a personally destructive path when he went to the vineyard.

Most people know instinctively what is off-limits for them. I suspect you know what is safe for you and what is not. Samson did, but he went to the vineyard anyway and nearly lost his life to a hungry lion cub. While he was aware that the vineyard was no place for him to be, he did not realize a vital truth that applies to everyone: secret places lead to secret battles.

When the young lion threatened Samson, the Spirit of God intervened and empowered him. God’s action spared his life, but that did not keep Samson’s problems from being multiplied. He not only had the issue of his morally illegal trip to the vineyard, but he also had a serious fight on his hands. When he killed the lion, he broke a second part of his Nazarite vow, touching a dead body (Num. 6:6). He must have suffered silently, because Judges 14:6 informs us that he did not tell his parents about the lion; he kept the matter a secret.

The worst thing about visiting secret places is that you cannot come and go without consequences. Secret places do lead to secret struggles, and a moment of secret sin can produce a lifetime of regret. Secret battles are the ones you fight in the loneliness of your own heart. Because they are secret, no one knows about them, so no one can help you win them.

D
EAL WITH
I
T

In the pastorate, I have encountered far too many people who wage silent wars inside themselves. I tell them, “Whatever you won’t deal with will ultimately deal with you.” What I mean by that is, secrets gnaw on the fabric of your heart, erode your character, and steal your focus away from the people and things that truly need your attention. Once you get away with a small secret for a while, you begin to think you can get away with bigger things. At the same time, the enemy of your soul is at work bombarding your brain with all kinds of thoughts, such as:

•
As long as no one knows about this, it won’t hurt anyone.

•
You got away with this last time; you’ll get away with it today.

•
It really isn’t all
that
bad. Just think about what other people do!

•
Frankly, you will never be able to break this pattern, so you better just find better ways to hide it.

•
If your spouse knew about this, he [or she] would leave you.

•
If your boss knew about this, he [or she] would fire you.

•
This is your best source of comfort or relief in life. Aren’t you entitled to it?

If these thoughts sound familiar, I hope you will realize you are not alone. Many, many people have secrets, some extremely shameful and painful. Certainly, some people’s lives have been blessed in ways that enable them to avoid secrets, but as a pastor, I can assure you: more people have secrets than you think. Sometimes, the people you view as least likely to have anything to hide have the most to cover up. They have simply become experts at doing it.

I do not know whether you have a secret or not. That is between
you and God. But I do know three key truths about secrets. First, if you do have a secret, you don’t have to keep it. Second, if you have a secret, it
will
damage you and your relationships. Third, the minute you begin to deal with a secret, God will step in to help you, set you free, and lead you into a better life than you have ever known.

In my years of ministry, I have had the unfortunate opportunity of seeing secrets destroy the relationships and futures of several great people. On too many occasions I have had front-row seats as lives were devastated because of secrets. One instance stands out more than all the others.