The Patron Saint of Ugly (28 page)

WALLACE
: From sunrise to sunset, traffic crawls along Appian Way, the only access road to Garnet’s home at the pinnacle of Sweetwater Hill, visible there in the distance.

WALLACE
: Sir! Roll down your window!

MOTORIST
:
¡Oh, mi Dios!
You are Mike Wallace!

WALLACE
: Yes, I am. And where are you from?

MOTORIST
: New Mexico.

WALLACE
: New Mexico! That’s a long drive with, what, five kids you have in there?

MOTORIST
:
Sí
, but we’ve got a sick little girl here. Mami, pass Mariquita up here. See this harelip? We can’t afford surgery, so we were hoping—

MOTORIST’S WIFE
: Praying, José! Praying!

MOTORIST
: Praying that Saint Garnet would heal her. She healed a boy from Arizona born with only one nose hole, so we are optimistic.

WALLACE
: Indeed, every person in this procession is hoping for a miracle, but the question on everyone’s mind is, Can Garnet deliver? According to longtime resident Celeste Xaviero, Sweetwater inhabitants by and large had a long history of beautiful skin.

CELESTE XAVIERO
: It’s-a true. Before Garnet left, most of the people here had the prettiest complexions, people
born-a
here, I mean. People who moved here may have brought their disorders with them, oddly shaped moles and rosacea and-a the like, but after they lived here for a while, those things would clear up.

WALLACE
: On their own or with the intervention of Garnet?

XAVIERO
: I wouldn’t want-a to say, since I don’t like to gossip.

WALLACE
: And what happened after Garnet moved away all those years ago?

XAVIERO
: Everybody in town broke out in a rash! Our gums, they turned gray, and our teeth-a fall out. One itchy patch would clear up and another would appear.

WALLACE
: And then Garnet moved back and the rashes disappeared?

XAVIERO
: Not immediately, maybe after six months, but
sì
, they disappeared.

WALLACE
: And do you attribute
this
to Garnet?

XAVIERO
: I don’t really know, but I find it strange that she was-a born with the biggest skin disorder of all and she never healed herself. As far as I know she’s still covered in-a birthmarks, though I wouldn’t know since she never visits, and I was her nonna’s closest friend!

WALLACE
: Sitting on the steps outside of Dino’s Lounge, three returning Vietnam veterans are more direct.

VET
. #1: Hell no, she’s no saint. Taking kickbacks from all the
dipshits
up there. And her brother was no saint neither.

VET
. #2: Little
faggot
. We used to pound him but good.

VET
. #3: And Map Face just gave everyone the creeps.

WALLACE
: How did you know them? Were they your classmates?

VET
. #1: No. I was older. But Bimbo was in Nicky’s class before he dropped out.

WALLACE
: Where is Bimbo now? Maybe I can interview him.

VET
. #2: He didn’t make it back from Nam.
Fat ass
stopped to get a ham sandwich out of his pack and got shot in the neck.
Stupid ass
.

WALLACE
: I’m sorry to hear that.

VET
. #3: Say, you wouldn’t have a spare buck or two for a veter—

WALLACE
: And here comes Dino the bar owner with a ball bat. Hey, where are you all going?

WALLACE
: This is the scene outside of Garnet Ferrari’s hilltop estate. Even in this cold weather, families have established a tent city along her fence. A section of the north side is jammed with votive candles and letters taped to the railings. Pier Paolo Vespucci traveled from Italy to sell ex-votos, mini versions of afflicted body parts offered to Saint Garnet in hopes of a healing. At his booth you’ll find eyeballs and ears, kidneys and feet made of silver or tin, wood or bone.

WALLACE
: You’ve come a long way to do business, Pier Paolo.

PIER PAOLO VESPUCCI
: It’s-a no business. It’s-a holy work. These people need to make-a the plea for a healing and they offer a gift to Saint Garnet so she intercede on-a their behalf.

WALLACE
: And it makes you a nice profit.

VESPUCCI
: A man’s gotta eat, Mr. Wallace. But I perform a service, see? And affordable too, so everyone can buy the ex-voto and be healed.

WALLACE
: You have a nice assortment here, but what if someone comes and there is no votive to represent his or her affliction?

VESPUCCI
: It’s easy, see? I have the wax here and I can form-a almost anything. I even make-a one for your pock-a-mark cheek.

WALLACE
: My—

VESPUCCI
: You had the bad acne as a kid, but Saint Garnet can even heal-a this. I have seen myself once when I make the cheek with the pock-a-mark for a lady and she is healed in one week.

WALLACE
: But—

VESPUCCI
: I take-a the ball of wax and press and press until it’s flat and I make it look like-a the cheek with the jaw and a tiny bit of-a lip. Then I take this-a tool and I bop-bop-bop-bop all the little marks. See? Then I punch a hole and insert the ribbon. Now you take this to the fence and say the good prayer that Saint Garnet intercede and God heal-a you cheeks too. And for you I make-a the good price. Just three dollars.

WALLACE
: Three dollars?

VESPUCCI
: Okay, two fifty.

WALLACE
: As you can see by the numbers of ex-votos hanging from the fence, people have deep faith in Garnet’s powers, and many claim to have been healed. With me now is Eddie Rangel from Oregon. So you’ve been healed by Garnet Ferrari?

EDDIE RANGEL
: Yes!

WALLACE
: And what was your affliction?

RANGEL
: See this thumbnail? Ten years ago I got a fungal infection, but nothing would cure it. Then it migrated to the next finger and the next. Then it jumped over to this hand. I’m a dentist, Mr. Wallace. Who wants to open their mouth for a guy with funky nails?

MRS. RANGEL
(offscreen): Tell him we usually look a lot better than this.

RANGEL
: We’ve been camping here for a week. We may look a little grungy, but we wash up every morning in the reflection pond, and look at this nail bed. Look! The new growth is coming in just as pink and healthy as anything. Can you believe it?

WALLACE
: Everyone bathes together even in this weather?

RANGEL
: More of a sponge bath, and the water is heated!

WALLACE
: Does it bother you to know that Garnet would like for all of you to go home and leave her alone?

RANGEL
: That’s what we hear, but we don’t believe it. Why would she send her aunt and grandmother to pass out food and holy relics?

WALLACE
: Why indeed?
Sixty Minutes
tried repeatedly to ask Miss Ferrari these and other questions, without success. Though we can’t get close to the front door, there is an intercom system built into her gate. Let me just punch the button.

WALLACE
: Miss Ferrari. It’s Mike Wallace here with
Sixty
—

GARNET FERRARI
: For the last time,
go away!

WALLACE
: This is the same greeting we’ve received for the past two days, but you can just make out a figure standing by the beveled window there. (Zoom in, Freddy.)

WALLACE
: Some say Garnet’s gruff behavior is an act to deter nonbelievers. Regardless, the longest line of all up here leads to a booth where pilgrims can get free food and blessings. Standing in line is August Delp holding his two-year-old daughter who has a prominent growth on her forehead. How long have you been waiting in line, sir?

AUGUST DELP
: Three hours.

WALLACE
: That’s a long time to stand while holding a sleeping child.

DELP
: It is, but she’s got a melanoma and this really is our last hope.

WALLACE
: What about surgery?

DELP
: We’re Christian Scientist—well, I am. My wife is dead set on surgery, but I have to show her . . . I need for her to see that . . . well, I need for her to believe in me again.

WALLACE
: Believe in
you?

DELP
: It was my sin that caused this, sir. Not the baby’s. Mine.

WALLACE
: Let’s hope August finds what he’s looking for. Behind the table stands Garnet’s aunt Betty and grandmother Diamante. Thank you for speaking with me today, Betty.

BETTY FERRARI
: My pleasure, Mr. Wallace. I have always loved your TV show, and so has Garnet. Tell everyone out there that Garnet Ferrari loves
Sixty Minutes
!

WALLACE
: Yes, yes. So besides minestrone, I see you’re giving out . . . what have you got there? What’s in all those vials? Water?

BETTY FERRARI
: Not just any water, Mr. Wallace. This is water Garnet touched with her own, umm, hands.

WALLACE
: And what is Grandmother Ferrari doing with the vials?

BETTY FERRARI
: She offers a prayer over every one before handing it over.

WALLACE
: That’s a lot of prayers. And what’s in the vials at the end there with the yellow tint?

BETTY FERRARI
: Oh! That’s for particularly difficult cases. Extra potent stuff, you know.

WALLACE
: Grandmother Ferrari, I wonder if I could—

DIAMANTE FERRARI
: Get away, you squinty-eye
jettatura
!
Ptt-ptt-ptt!

WALLACE
: Apparently Grandma doesn’t like our cameraman.

BETTY FERRARI
: Oh, dear. I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. She’s funny about certain things.

WALLACE
: I don’t mean to be insensitive, Betty, but you have a rather unusual eye. Did you ever ask Garnet to heal you?

BETTY FERRARI
: Heal me? Well, no. It never occurred to me to ask Garnet to do that, though it would certainly make life easier, especially with Mother here.

DIAMANTE FERRARI
: Walleye old-a
gabbo
.

WALLACE
: What’s that—

BETTY FERRARI
: There are so many people who deserve a healing much, much more than me.

WALLACE
: Don’t you think you deserve to be healed?

DIAMANTE FERRARI
: I see you over there with-a you squinty-eye camera trying to steal-a the
miracolo
from this holy water. Shoo! Shoo!

WALLACE
: As the sun sets on Sweetwater Hill, travelers snuggle together in tents, RVs, and cars. As it was for Mary and Joseph all those years ago, there’s not enough room in the inn, and the overflow has claimed the parking lot of the vacant plant. Pilgrims call it the Pit, and the ones who are here don’t get to bathe in the warm waters of the reflection pond. They rely on the foul-smelling liquid that trickles from the pipe at the backside of the factory. They may have come with visions of sugarplums, but they are leaving with dashed hopes and various disorders that, at least so far, Garnet has been unable or unwilling to heal. Their evening entertainment is sitting around the fire drums swapping tales of woe.

VISITOR
#1: Garnet didn’t heal me none. I still got this rash, and she didn’t heal my wife’s appendix scar neither.

VISITOR
#2: She didn’t heal my boy and it broke his heart. He told everyone back in Toledo his face would be normal again, but, well, I don’t know what he’s going to say to them now.

WALLACE
: Why do you think you and your children weren’t healed when so many others claim to have been?

VISITOR
#3: I want to see those healings for myself, but I think it all boils down to money.

WALLACE
: Money? Are you suggesting Garnet is selling her healings?

VISITOR
#1: What do you think? It’s the rich folk with the fancy cars that can make it up the hill that are the ones getting all the healings. Us poor slobs who maybe hitchhiked or came by bus or Amtrak and can’t get up there, you don’t see none of us being healed, do you?