The Pages of the Mind (8 page)

“What is she right about?” Jepp examined me. Then her face went blank and horrified, looking as if she'd discovered I had some terrible disease and only weeks to live. “You're not . . . You're a fucking virgin?”

“I believe that's an oxymoron,” I snapped. “I am a virgin because there has been no fucking.” I didn't think I'd ever used that word before. Such was the toll of Jepp's company.

She gaped at me in real shock. “I don't think I've ever met a virgin. I mean.” She shook her head. “Not one who was . . .”

“A middle-aged spinster?” I finished for her. “Look your fill, because here's your big chance.”

“There's no shame in it,” Zynda put in gently. “Just as some prefer the company of their same gender, there are those who prefer to keep their bodies to themselves.”

“What—
never
have sex, ever in their lives?” Jepp was flat astounded, assimilating that. “I can't even imagine.”

Zynda shrugged. “People are people. I don't judge.” She said that last to me, but with a flicker of emphasis for Jepp.

“I'm not judging,” Jepp said in haste. Then she reached out to touch my hand, a fleeting gesture, as quicksilver as her moods. “I didn't mean to offend you. If you are happier without sex, then good for you. I don't
understand
it,” she added, unnecessarily, but seeming unable to stop herself, “but I do think everyone should do what makes them happy.”

“Thank you. Both of you.” Then a laugh broke free from me, which helped vent some of the tight embarrassment. “It is not, however, that I am asexual. I simply . . . I don't know. Never quite had the right opportunity.”

“This conversation calls for something stronger than tea,” Jepp decided, springing to her feet in a lithe movement.

“Oh, no! We're not having a conversation about this,” I protested.

“Too late,” Zynda murmured. “You'll never get her off your tail until she's heard it all.”

“And you were such a great help,” I retorted.

“What's the harm? We're all friends. If you can't confide in us, who would you, then?”

“Yes.” Jepp plopped herself down and handed me a flask. “Drink and pass. We can help you. What would be the right opportunity? If we know what you're looking for, we can keep our eyes open. Be your scouts!”

Groaning mentally at that prospect, and in order to avoid answering her question for a few more precious seconds, I sipped. Whiskey. Very smooth. Good Goddesses—and unholy strong.

“Goes right to your head, doesn't it?” Jepp took it from my hand, swigged, and handed the flask to Zynda. “Okay, maybe we should back up. What
have
you done? Kissing, at least.”

The warmth of the whiskey did help, so I nodded. One of my prospective fiancés had kissed me. And then one of the Tala while I was in Annfwn, Zyr, in his flirtatiousness. “Twice. I didn't care for the first.”

“Why not?” Zynda frowned in suspicion at the flask, then sipped.

“It was . . . not interesting. I mostly waited for it to be over. I didn't want him touching me—it made my skin crawl. The second one was better, but still not . . . moving. Not ‘wonderful, take me to bed and have your way with me' exciting. Even though he offered that and there was no reason I shouldn't have taken him up on it. I just didn't want to. Goddesses.” I took the flask and swallowed. “Maybe I am asexual!”

“Let's not leap to conclusions.” Jepp wagged a finger at me in clear imitation. “Did you like the guys who did the kissing?”

“Not the first one.” In fact, I'd rather hated him on sight, in all his condescending arrogance.

“Then of course you didn't want him touching you.” Zynda held out a hand for the flask. “This is seriously good liquor.”

“They distill it in Branli,” Jepp replied, her gaze still on me. “I laid in a supply when I was up there. Worth the pain of carting it around. And the second one?”

“I liked him. Um, actually it was Zyr,” I confessed to Zynda. “The night we left.”

Zynda widened her eyes. “Zyr tried to seduce you and you resisted? Wow.” She took a drink and held it in her mouth, pondering. Swallowed. “Wow,” she repeated.

“Is that such a rare occurrence?”

“It might be. I don't know of anyone else who's turned him down. Moranu, I wish I'd known! I could have teased him mercilessly.”

“He was very gracious about it.” He'd been sweet, in fact, saying “Some people share themselves easily, like the bushes that produce clusters of berries, plenty for all to have and enjoy. A few are like the
kalpa
tree, which bears a single fruit, after many years, which is all the more precious for that.” Words that had stuck with me. “I don't think you should mention anything to him. I wouldn't want to wound his pride.”

Zynda hooted a laugh, an animal sound in it. “Wound his pride? That man has plenty to spare. All the women going on in raptures about him and trying to catch his eye, but you gave him the cold shoulder.”

“I told him I'm waiting for someone special and he understood.”

“I doubt it. Everyone is special to Zyr. And if all the swooning and sighing can be believed, he's very special to them.” She snickered. Jepp rubbing off on all of us.

“Have I met this guy?” Jepp demanded, sitting up straighter. “What makes him so good?”

“I wouldn't know, as he's my brother,” Zynda said in that dry tone. “But no, you haven't met him—he hasn't left Annfwn and isn't likely to.”

“I just knew I should have gone with you into Annfwn instead of staying back with Brandur! Danu curse me for lost opportunities.” Jepp stared sourly at the flask. “I have the worst luck lately.”

“Don't you like Brandur anymore?” I asked more to keep the subject off my sex life than from any real interest to know more about Jepp's. Zyr's kiss
had
been excellently executed. I should have taken him up on the offer and at least experienced skilled lovemaking. Shared some berries instead of sitting on my precious fruit. So to speak. I snorted out a giggle at the thought.

Jepp gave me a dubious look and took away the flask. “Lightweight. I like Brandur fine. I've had Brandur—in every way physically possible, as he's had me. We're friends, but there's an extra zing, you know, with some people more than others. Emotional. Special. Or whatever. Danu.” She swigged from the flask. “I'm starting to sound like the librarian.”

“Hey!”

“No offense,” Jepp grumbled, though I knew she meant it more sincerely than she sounded.

“I know what you mean.” Zynda leaned back on her elbows, long and sinuous. “There's sex for sex's sake, which is—don't get me wrong—really great. You know. Sorry, Dafne—I guess you
don't
know, but unless your partner is totally self-involved, which can happen, then it's a real gift. But, with someone special, who really
gets
you, then . . . I've lost the thread. What were we saying?”

“The advantage of having lightweights as traveling companions,” Jepp announced, “is more whiskey for me. I had sex with General Killjoy,” she added. A confessional afterthought that nearly slipped past me.

Then it made its way fully into my fogged brain. “You
did
? I know he wanted to try a woman with sword calluses, but Brandur was right there, too.”

Jepp waved a hand at that. “We've never been exclusive. Tell me about the sword calluses thing.”

No harm in that, I supposed. “He and Harlan discussed it, after Kral shook Ursula's hand. Apparently the concept of a woman's hands with sword calluses lights up the Dasnarian men.”

“Probably exotic to them,” Zynda said. “As it seems their women are all soft.”

“Probably,” I agreed, rubbing my fingertips together. Soft. Though with sore spots from the knife lessons.

“This explains a great deal,” Jepp mused. I could almost hear her thoughts clicking over how to use this to her advantage.

“How was the general?” Zynda prodded. “Was it just the once, or will he violate his own edict?”

“Just the one night, but several times. Pretty much all night and then some. The man has serious staying power. As for his edict, I'm pretty sure he did it entirely because he's pissed at me. Mistakes were made.”

“You pissed off a prince of the Dasnarian throne, general of their armies, with whom we just created a very new and even more tenuous peace?” I pressed my hands to my eyes, wishing I could banish the knowledge. “Ursula would kill you.”

“Well, no. But she would banish me from Ordnung.” Jepp gave me a thin smile when I looked up. Waved at me as if she'd just arrived. “Hi.”

“That was really a foolish thing to do, Jepp.”

She scowled. “I know it. Danu! Do you think Her Majesty didn't nearly take my head off for it?”

I took the flask from her, definitely needing more. “You might as well tell me everything. Especially as it's likely to have bearing on the rest of our journey.”

Jepp ran her hands over her short hair and Zynda watched our exchange with interest. I handed her the flask.

“It shouldn't have been a big deal!” Jepp insisted. Always a bad sign, when someone started with the defensive. “He made it clear he was attracted. I sure was. He offered. I accepted. We spent a sizzling-hot night together—”

“Where?”

She frowned at me. “Does it matter?”

“It might. Indulge me.”

“His bed.”

I groaned. Worse and worse.

“Captain Harlan asked that, too. What's the deal?”

“I don't know that there is one. Except that there's this edict. He hasn't renewed his invitation?”

“Well, after he caught me with Brandur, he made it pretty clear that—”

She stopped when I held up a hand. “You had sex with Brandur, too? After a night and then some in Kral's bed?”

“It wasn't immediately after. Hours and hours. At least eight. Give me that cursed flask.”

Zynda passed it with an admiring gleam in her eye. “You have some stamina, sister, I'll give you that.”

“What? I was restless. Too much sitting on my ass
recuperating
.” She sneered the word. “It's not like I'd made either of them any promises. Brandur didn't mind. Much. Though he did want me to make it up to him.” She sounded entirely too pleased with herself for someone who was supposed to be sorry.

“Neither is Brandur a Dasnarian prince who invited you to his bed.” No wonder Ursula had been so much crankier than usual right before we left. Not just worried about me, then. But I thought Jepp was wrong about the queen sending Jepp with me as a form of exile. She would have predicted Jepp's presence would annoy Kral. Unless she'd done it on purpose. Ursula rarely did anything by accident.

“What is the significance of Kral inviting Jepp into his bed?” Zynda asked. “For us it means no more than a convenient place to be together.”

“For most of us, too,” I told her. “But Dasnaria has much more arcane cultural rules—particularly as regards the role of women.”

Jepp made a disparaging sound. “They can be real jerks about it, too.”

“I don't doubt that. I've been trying to study what I can.” This might explain some of Kral's circuitous warnings earlier, especially about me instructing my companions. As if I'd be able to instruct Jepp in anything at all. “You have to remember that the Vervaldr we know have been away from Dasnaria for many years. They've experienced many cultures and have adapted to and more or less understand that our ways are different. In no small part due to the leadership of Captain Harlan, who is an unusually flexible thinker.”

“Am I back in school?”

“Shut up, Jepp—I want to hear this. Keep going, Dafne.”

“I'm not perfectly certain, because so much of it is embedded in their society and so not always explained clearly in the texts, but it seems that women have essentially two roles to choose from. I use the word ‘choose' lightly because I'm not sure the decision is up to them. Women are always either a wife, which is a respected role, as she then has access to everything that belongs to her husband—reputation, rank, wealth.”

Jepp had started to catch on, looking queasy, though that could have been all the whiskey. “And the not-wives?”

“Women don't appear to have much of any rights on their own, can't own property or work to make a living. So they're entirely dependent on the men in their lives to provide for them. A woman who has a father or brothers is provided for until she marries—which seems to be a complicated arrangement involving many contracts and ceremonies. If she doesn't marry, she can accept the protection of a man, who will commit to caring for her in exchange. That agreement is much simpler. The word they use is ‘rekjabrel,' which translates more or less as ‘bed slave.' He offers her his bed, symbolic of giving her a place to live and be safe.”

“Danu's tits,” Jepp whispered in horror.

“Exactly. It's possible he thought you were exclusively his.”

“People don't own other people,” she snapped.

“They do in Dasnaria, in a manner of speaking.” I shrugged, took the flask, and saluted Jepp. “Always pays to do your research!”

Jepp gave me a sour look. “Aren't you going to tell me this is why it's perilous to ignore a librarian?”

She'd snorted at the inscription earlier, when she showed me how to hide the little daggers on my person without slicing myself. A more patient teacher than Ursula, Jepp had been most helpful. I did like her and she didn't deserve me making light of her situation.