The Only Thing Worse Than Me Is You (35 page)

“Hey,” Cornell and Harper said.

“Love?” I spluttered, moving as far away from Meg as possible without actually ending up on Peter's knee.

“We don't hate each other, sure, but that's a little far,” Ben added with a wince.

Meg muttered something that might have been the word
lying
. Distantly, I realized the downside of having a giant cat who operated as a polygraph. I never should have loaned her Ben's copies of
Saga
.

“Oh, please.” Harper laughed. “You two are worse than me and Cornell.”

“No one is worse than you and Cornell.” Ben glowered at her.

“There's no point in denying it,” Meg said. “Brandon has been keeping tabs on you. He agreed to help me with the statistics for the paper I was doing on my thought experiment. You really don't guard yourself with him the way you do with us. He brought back some really interesting data.”

“She means that he called her screaming when he saw you making out in the library,” Peter said.

“And in the storage closet in the main building,” Meg said.

Peter snorted. “And in the girls' bathroom in the math and sciences building.”

Ben caught my eye and I felt my cheeks burning. Damn B. Calistero and his superior spying skills. I should have known he would go rogue on me.

“There may have been some kissing,” I said with as much tact as I could muster with my face on fire. “But that doesn't mean anything.”

“Of course not,” Ben agreed. “It's utterly meaningless.”

Utterly meaningless?
Way to go for the jugular, hobo clown.

“It was a hormonal impulse giving way to a physical manifestation,” I said, trying to push down the jabs of annoyance cropping up in my brain. “Completely impersonal. It was a high-stress situation. It could have been anyone in that study room. Or storage closet.” I coughed. “Or that bathroom.”

“A fish,” Ben offered. “Like a really big fish.”

Cornell laughed. “Wow, you guys are bad at this.”

“It's not like we haven't noticed the long lingering looks you've been giving each other,” Meg said, a note of pity in her voice.

“And the constant texting,” Harper said.

“Exchanging comic books and sodas when you think no one is paying attention,” Peter added.

“It wouldn't be completely unfounded to say that we're friends now,” I said. I glanced at Ben for confirmation and he gave a rigid nod. “Maybe even friends who have, in the past, kissed one another in regrettably public places. But that doesn't mean we're—”

“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” Cornell muttered.

“How about this?” Harper said, swishing her hair over her shoulder. “If Dr. Mendoza agrees to let me come back to the Mess—and I don't see why he wouldn't—I will agree only if you and Ben admit that you have been secretly dating for the last month.” She cocked her head at Cornell for confirmation. “Fair?”

“Sounds good to me,” he said.

“That's insane,” I said.

“It's not, really. I would have a lot more free time at Marist. If I decided to go back to the Mess, it would be mostly for social reasons. I want to eat lunch and go to prom and take classes with my friends. But you and Ben continuing to pretend that you don't really like each other while you're also secretly dating sounds exhausting. Really, it's almost as bad as you guys actually hating each other. At least that was honest.”

“You can't really be saying that you think we've been lying to you,” Ben said. “You guys actually lied to us. You used us as guinea pigs for homework.”

“Oh, it's much bigger than homework,” Meg said. “I mean, it is the reason I jumped up in the ranking. Mr. Walsh was really impressed with my rough drafts. He counted it as four extra-credit assignments. But then my dad put me in touch with the editor of one of his journals. It's going to print in February. Brandon's name will be on it, too, of course—”

Harper cut across her. “We didn't lie to you. We lied within hearing of you. If either of you had actually asked any of us—or each other—about whether we were telling the truth, this never would have worked. You didn't ask because you wanted it to be true. You wanted Trixie to be in love with you and she wanted you to be in love with her. And now you are.”

“So, you're welcome,” Meg chirped.

“Also, sorry,” Peter said.

“Mostly you're welcome.” Cornell grinned.

The sound of a phone ringing gave all of us pause. Harper got to her feet and padded out of the room. Her voice floated in from the kitchen.

“Hi, Daddy! Yes, Trixie came to tell me. She was the one who figured it out. Do you think you could call her parents and let them know what happened? Fantastic, thank you … Now? Sure. No, I can take it. I know Marist would be a good fresh start, but I'd like to hear his offer. Okay. Love you.” She poked her head back into the living room, her phone attached to her ear. “Yes, Mrs. Landry, you can patch me through.”

She looked down at me imperiously and my organs all seemed to shift an inch to the left.

I was pinned to the spot. I considered how awful it would feel if Ben rejected me in front of everyone. Or at all. The way things were had worked out for us just fine. Why did we need to let other people in? Why invite an outside influence? What if letting other people see us ruined everything?

Outside input just gets so messy. Your friends judging you, making notes on you, comparing your rankings.…

I never should have let Mary-Anne into my brain as a phantom voice of reason. But she had made a valid point. If Ben and I were openly a couple, we'd be accepting the fact that everyone would immediately have an opinion about us.

Then again, Mary-Anne had been in on the thought experiment from the beginning. She'd known that nothing Ben and I did was actually going unseen. Our rankings, our lunchtime behaviors, our conversations had been under a microscope all year.

Everyone who mattered already knew. My best friends were all here, telling me that they'd known all along. They hadn't treated me or Ben any differently.

Which left Ben. Neither of us had ever said anything about what was going on because each of us assumed that the other was secretly harboring real feelings. But Ben had never been in love with me. And until that lie clicked into place, I hadn't noticed that my anterior insular cortex was on Ben West overload.

Now, I couldn't believe how obvious it had been. Staying up to pick fights or watch TV together, walking to class together, kissing and talking and being silent and wanting all of it all the time—that happy sickness had a name. I loved him.

Of course Meg's paper was going to print. The Great Thought Experiment worked.

She was never going to let me live this down.

I looked over at Ben, expecting the raw feeling in my throat to give way to real tears. His lips were pressed together so hard they'd disappeared, leaving a scarecrow frown between his nose and chin. He took a deep breath and reached into his backpack again. He swiped his thumb over the screen of his phone and plugged something into it.

My messenger bag buzzed. I took my phone out, aware that Meg and Peter were both reading over my shoulder.

 

[4:17 PM]

Ben

Hey. Do you want to come sit over here?

[4:17 PM]

Me

Should I go sit over there?

 

His lips reappeared in scoff.

[4:18 PM]

Ben

Why would I ask you if I didn't want you to?

 

I stood, moving across the living room slowly. Each footstep felt heavier than the one before. I sat down with my back against the TV cabinet. I looked at him sidelong, afraid that his face would show some sign of regret. He smiled at me and the freckle next to his left eye disappeared.

Harper gave an almost inaudible cluck as she made her way back into the kitchen. “Yes, Dr. Mendoza, I'm here. Yes, sir, it's very nice to hear from you. My father said you had news.…”

“A fish?” I whispered to Ben, trying not to draw attention to us. “You would have made out with a fish?”

“It would have been a hormonal impulse giving way to a physical manifestation,” he quoted back sardonically.

“Right.” I giggled. “We really are equally dumb, huh?”

He looped his arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “Yeah. But at least it's equal. I'd hate to be the smart one.”

“Luckily, that will never be a problem for you.”

 

epilogue

It was an
uncomfortably warm Saturday morning. The combination of the TARDIS dress Meg had talked me into buying and the awful red polyester gown I was wearing over it didn't help. I was glad that I'd doubled up on deodorant. I could feel tendrils of sweat pooling under my sunglasses.

Ben had carefully arranged his hair under his mortarboard so that each little spike touched the brim. He had already unzipped his gown, revealing the Spider-Man T-shirt I'd given him for his birthday.

The ceremony had been long and mostly boring, although Cornell's speech had been oddly touching. He'd thanked the Mess for teaching him the value of hard work and making sure that law school would be a breeze by comparison.
“I have learned the true value of our motto—
fide et veritate.
Truth and loyalty. We surrender our pride for truth. It takes courage to be wrong. It takes courage to be right. I have been awed by the loyalty of those around me and I have worked every day to be better because of them.”
He'd nodded to where Mike was sitting with the younger members of the role-playing club. He must have taken a day off from work to attend the ceremony. He'd spent the last couple of months as an intern at a video game company. He looked happy in the stands.
“I am a better person for having known my classmates. We are all better having been together.”

“I can't believe it's over,” Ben said, examining the melee on the cricket pitch down below. There were hundreds of people on the field. They'd spilled out of the stands the second Dr. Mendoza had pronounced us Messina Academy graduates. There were people hugging and crying, pictures being taken, yearbooks being signed. Ben and I had retired to the top of the bleachers to avoid the fray after Mary-Anne had tearfully embraced me and made me promise I'd keep in touch.

Graduation, it seemed, made people crazy. I hoped B was taking notes on what he observed. He could write a killer Chemistry of Emotions paper on this next year.

“I'm going to have to find my parents soon,” I said. “Eventually, my dad will realize that he's been taking pictures of scenery that I'm not a part of.”

“Me too.” Ben sighed, leaning back on his elbows. He kicked his white high-tops onto the bleacher below us. “I left my grandparents as a buffer, but I shouldn't let the parents stay alone too long. Mom's been extra weird this visit. She still thinks it's her fault that Mike broke into the homework portal. But at least you'll finally get to meet Olivia.”

“I wonder if she'll like me,” I said, thinking of the few pictures of Ben's sister I'd seen. She had Ben's large brown eyes and wild dark hair.

“She's four, Trix. Say something about unicorns and you're golden.”

“Gender normative,” I countered, poking him in the ribs with my elbow. “Haven't you given her comics yet?”

“I've tried. But she only likes Superman. I don't know what to do about being related to someone who doesn't like Marvel.”

“Now you know how I feel talking to Harper.” I laughed, looking out at the field again. The spire on the math and sciences building loomed tall over the gym, the sun beating down on the brick.

“It's weird that we're never coming back,” I said. “I mean, I'm excited about college and everything but … it's weird, right?”

“Very.” He nodded. “But we don't leave for school for another three months. We could always break into the cafeteria if we get nostalgic.”

“We aren't breaking into the cafeteria,” I said with a snort, scooting closer to him. He wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head against his shoulder, carefully avoiding hitting him in the eye with my cap. Both of us had become adept at ignoring the fact that it was too hot to sit this way. It was worth the extra warmth.

“I got you something,” he said.

I snatched off my sunglasses and had to squint to see him as my eyes adjusted to the blinding light. “Is it the newest
Saga
?”

“You know they took a hiatus for the summer.” He frowned, reaching into the pocket of his jeans.

“A girl can dream.” I sighed. “Maybe you became really good friends with Brian K. Vaughan and convinced him to…” He held out his hand and I paused. “Oh. Wow.”

Cupped in his palm was a Dalek statuette cast in pewter. I immediately recognized it as part of the set we'd been drooling over at Busby. I picked it up delicately, admiring its miniature plunger arm.

“I couldn't afford the whole set,” he grumbled. “But you really wanted the Dalek, so I figured … Anyway, I hope you like it.”

“Try ‘love it,' you doof,” I squealed, throwing my arms around his neck to kiss him. Our caps collided and we both laughed.

“Are we interrupting?”

I twisted around and saw Cornell grinning at us, his yellow valedictorian sash sliding down his shoulder. Harper, Peter, and Meg were following him up the stairs toward us.

“Aren't we always?” Meg asked. Even in dangerously high heels, her gown was at least three inches too long. She held it daintily over her ankles as she climbed.

Ben chuckled, reaching up and making sure that our hat incident hadn't ruined his hair. “Generally, yes.”

“Look at my graduation gift,” I said, holding the Dalek up for the group to admire. “Isn't it perfect?”