The Onion Eaters (19 page)

After the singing the gladdened assemblage descending to the first state room off the great hall set for tea. Cakes and sandwiches spread on a table. Honeycombs and damson jam. Bloodmourn and the Baron rubbing their eyes. Whiskey poured. Bligh smiling to his congratulations. Tightly entwining his hands and nodding his head.

‘It was very impressive.’

‘Thank you Mr Clementine, I had a lot of work to do on them. I’m glad it showed results.’

‘Yes indeed.’

‘Now I wonder is there a little favour I could ask of you. I promised the kids one of these days a bit of an outing. There’s a row boat down there in the boat house. Could I borrow it to take the kids out on a row one day if it’s fine.’

‘Certainly. If it’s seaworthy most certainly.’

‘Thanks a lot. I’m a brewer by trade. I’m sorry now I haven’t had much time to talk to you. You feel kind of awkward in a stranger’s house. More than once I thought of leaving. But could never find you to say goodbye. With so many guests on your hands I thought it was best I keep well out of the way. I’d like to make amends for not being able to handle that bull. I’d always been told I had the strength to throw one.’

Lead Kindly Light clanking up in his armour. Standing between Bligh and Clementine as he pops sunflower seeds in the opening of his helmet now sporting purple plumes.

‘I am a seed eater. Abstainer from red meat. And Mr Clementine you awaken in me deep pangs of sympathy that you have around you so many ruffian flesh eaters. The onion gives one a long life free from heart congestion.
Reducing
eye wobbling, staggers and diarrhoea. The garlic clove
benefits bowel movement, aids penoid erection, ball resiliency and eye whiteness. I am encouraged that since the blast, scurrility, blaspheming and fornication have noticeably abated. I clank here I clank there, I clank
everywhere.
I would like to clank through the Prado.’

‘Ah now L K L Mr Clementine here doesn’t want to listen to that kind of talk. Having heard an evening of singing from innocent young voices can’t we now hear something uplifting.’

Long silence in the armour. Mrs L K L taking titbits in her portable enclosure. Rose the opposite end of the room smiling worshipfully at Bloodmourn. Good lord it could lead to another blast. With whipped cream splattered from floor to ceiling. Bligh nervously enfolding his hands.
Sweat on his upper lip. L K L’s armoured hand rising, pointing at Bligh.

‘I know your kind, like Erconwald you dream of fucking Rose over the flying kilometre. I could for your delectation measure the true distance with my calipers so you’d know to a millimetre when you’d had enough. But I won’t.
Because
you are bogus. An uncultured maker of beer.’

‘That’s a lousy thing to say L K L. That’s really lousy.’

‘I am firbolg.’

‘You’re a little fucking trouble maker that’s what you are.’

‘Down with you Bligh into the monk’s passage. I
challenge
you to the ball tug of the firbolg. And the worsened shall be flung from the tunnel into the sea.’

‘Don’t make me laugh I could bend you up into a Christmas decoration and sell you by the gross.’

‘Bligh, big idolator.’

‘I’m a fucking sight more religious than you and your wife will ever be selling your piss filled relics back in town to tourists. O Jesus forgive me the language Mr
Clementine.
But the likes of him there makes me see red.’

‘I challenge you to meet me in the monk’s passage you big cunt.’

‘By God. That the ears of the little lovely innocents should have to hear the likes of that. Now everybody knows I warned him. Warned him good and proper.’

The big bosomed blue eyed mother teacup and saucer in hand smiling bravely through the use of the language vile. Unfit for youth or ladies. Percival pouring madeira. Oscar stuffing cake in his mouth and swilling back bottle dregs just inside the door of the next room. Charlene and Imelda taking trays between the guests. Lady Macfugger tapping ash from her cigarette as she watches the
proceedings
open mouthed. Asked me if she could take a tour through the castle. To see the heraldic glass and plaster work. And maybe the rumoured Meissen piss pot adorned with a daisy chain of threesomed testicles.

Lead Kindly Light the Gladiator clanking from the state room out into the great hall followed by Bligh pressing a
piece of damson covered barmbrack between his lips and draining a glass of madeira. The two figures pausing by the excavation. Bligh blessing himself hands moving swiftly in the sign of a cross. L K L raising an accusing arm. The voice from the helmet.

‘Jump down into that you fat eegit.’

‘You jump.’

‘Blessing yourself thinking religion will help you now. Are you ready for the pain. You big tub of ugliness.’

‘Say what you like about me but leave religion out of it. And I’m warning you by God don’t you mention the blessed virgin.’

‘The blessed virgin.’

‘You did it. You did it. Just do it once more and that will be the end of you.’

‘The blessed virgin.’

‘You did it again. I’m warning you. I love her. She is to me of the most purest gold.’

‘Would you kiss her arse.’

‘Blasphemy. Pure deliberate blasphemy. God above will strike. With a lightning that will curl your toe nails to a crisp.’

‘You big buffoon. Can’t you see I’m enclosed in armour. The bolt will pass harmlessly down around me into the tiles of the hall and further into the molten bowels of the earth where the uncouth likes of you should be undergoing fission.’

‘I’ll kill you. Even though we are here in the home of a respectable man. I’ll kill you. You and your wife
conducting
disgraceful jubilee gatherings back in town with lascivious grass skirt dancing. Dear God above be merciful to this wretched person here before us. Were I of the church militant you’d be getting measured for your coffin right now. But I am of the church mystic.’

‘You’ll be of the church crippled.’

‘Right then. You won’t be satisfied till I knot your bloody little limbs around your neck.’

Nails Macfugger’s arm tight about the azure eyed ample bosomed woman laughing from her big blushing face.
Imelda’s passing eyes on one’s flies. I’m desperate to do a trick with my tool. A nice big erection loose in the castle would lend itself well to the floral grandeur. Palm trees sixty feet high in the great hall. Where people of taste and refinement could find spiritual refreshment. Instead of the generous serving up of multiple contusions that were rumoured going on giving members of the medical
profession
heart attacks in their tracks.

Erconwald holding up a hand at the doorway under the stair. Staying those who were following Bligh and L K L descending to the monk’s tunnel to have it out.

‘Ah good people. Wait. One regrets that the nature of the contest is not suitable for the eyes and ears of mixed company. But those of you who are sticklers for fair play be assured that the Gaelic struggle to be engaged in below shall abide by the custom of the firbolg.’

Lady Gail Allouise Trudy Magfugger raising her glass. Swaying slightly in a long black clinging garment. Her hair swept in a bun at the back of her head. Three strands of pearls about her slender neck. Charlene narrow eyed, glowering. Nails Macfugger tap dancing the chaperoning mother in circles around the great hall. One more
gathering
slowly getting out of hand. Drifting towards turmoil. On a lubricant of madeira.

Down in the tunnel. Candles glowing in storm lanterns. Franz dismantling the lower parts of L K L’s armour. Body odour behold. Putlog behind Bligh with his trousers down. Legs bulging with immense muscles and veins. A small white arrow down the side of his socks. Erconwald
whispering.

‘Now good person be not alarmed. Great kings and chiefs have fought thus before. Each partakes of a grip upon the other’s gonads. A signal is given of two slate stones clapped together. And the adversaries twist. Slowly inducing pain. A match of any other kind would be unequal due to Bligh’s great strength. The vanquished is he who can stand the torment no longer. Do take two of these wax ear plugs. The screaming will be otherwise unforgettable.’

The tunnel ceiling dripping moisture from matted
corrugations. Erconwald said the vaulting was made
squeezing
in the propped up stones with a mixture of mortar, bulls blood and hair. Growing stronger with the years. A grey canopy for the light shining on the greasy cobbles. I could have settled in a small apartment. With a view out over the lake. Clocked in every five p.m. for cocktails and piano music. To just say hi to folks hanging around the hotel bar. What kind of a day did you have. I’m having a night of the firbolg thank you.

‘Pray good person. Watch. The buttocks of the
opponents
join and each reaches backwards between his legs to grasp his hold. They are ready. I give the signal. The seconds scrutinize for irregularities. Twisting must be anti clockwise. Yanking or fast twirling is an unfair manoeuvre. Bligh fights in honour of the Madonna of the Spud, Ah the screaming has commenced.’

‘Eak. I’ll twist your balls off.’

‘Ouch. I’ll twist yours off.’

Bent double sweating under oxsters, scapulars trembling, the antagonists swaying on the wet stones. L K L up and down bouncing against the vast arse of Bligh. A breeze blowing. The ocean thumps. Candles flicker behind the lantern glass. Up the tunnel a shadow. Lady Macfugger. Allouise come to view the bell ringing. For men only. And hear the agonised roars of pain.

‘You little bastard you’ve greased yours. I declare a foul.’

‘You big electro magnetic despicability you’ll have a cunt for sure when I’m finished.’

‘I give up I give up. Foul.’

Bligh holding his trousers, tears in his eyes, led past Lady Macfugger. A sad small voice from his lips.

‘You’ll excuse the exposure and I’m sorry to have been of inconvenience to you madam.’

‘Sweet of you to apologize but I am tight enough not to mind.’

Hair ashimmer she leans against the wall sweet of breath. Lanterns go shadowy up the stone steps. Between us
darkness.
Her face close. Could touch it with my hand. Touch
it. Along the jaw line. It bends up under her ear. By a cold lobe. The smoothest softest of skin. Press Kiss.

‘Careful you might spill my drink. But ah Mr
Clementine
you do amuse don’t you. All quite startling. I do believe that genitalia were on display.’

That night. By a back stairs. Clementine holding the long fingered cold knuckled hand of Lady Trudy Macfugger. Stumbling upwards in darkness. To somewhere. A room hoped unknown to the many uninvited who might come foaming in. Dragging someone else. And them tugging others. To a jamboree of holy ecstasy. Of mouths over other mouths and over anything.

We lay on damp tattered eiderdowns. Proceedings here by smell. Like Elmer. Who went by having a doggy time tail wagging between the firbolg. Inside the door I fell over him. Lady Macfugger fell over me. He licked our faces. With a long lapping tongue. Recent events blind one to new dangers. One wet and one warm. Elmer peed on us both.

Lady Macfugger wrestling for release. From my arms around her. Made Elmer bark and growl. Never likes to be left out of the action. We were nearly having. On the wide floor boards softened with the bedcovers various.

‘My God I am an animal lover Mr Clementine but really this is not on. Haven’t you got that dog house trained.’

‘Only in four rooms.’

‘I’m wet.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I must be sponged off. Immediately.’

‘Please don’t go. This is the first civilized moment I’ve had. I’m desperate.’

‘Civilized. When I’ve been peed on. Good lord.’

‘So have I, went all over my leg.’

‘Well, it’s all over my lap. The wretched stink. I happen to be another man’s wife.’

‘You gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.’

‘I most certainly did not. My grip was quite loose. I’ll admit I was intrigued. Naturally one’s lower feelings are aroused. By such savagery. But I can scarcely believe it. Two grown men pulling each other by their organs.’ ‘You said you wanted to see my balls.’ ‘I did not.’ ‘Yes you did.’

‘I merely asked if you would think it awfully rude of me to ask to see them. I did not in fact ask. Good lord I can see my own husband’s any time I want.’

‘That’s good.’

‘Yes it is, isn’t it. And if I did encourage you it was because I just happened to be out of humour with Jeffrey. I don’t pretend to enjoy standing around while he amuses himself in front of me with a woman twenty years my senior and of quite another class. I know why he does it. He’s fond of big tits and mine are quite small. We all have our ulterior motives. I perhaps was ever so slightly interested in your testicles. Simply because Jeffrey, and I wish you wouldn’t call him Nails, can never stop talking about them. Does that satisfy you. What a particularly horrid awful smell your dog’s pee has.’

‘He can’t help it. It’s his big kidneys.’

‘You do seem to invite awkwardnesses. For no earthly reason you accused Veronica of having the pox. When the poor woman had merely gone to your room to borrow a book.’

‘She was stark naked on roller skates under a parasol.’

‘What a distressingly ungallant thing to say.’

Elmer chewing something in the corner. His favourite is tortoiseshell toiletries. Hear distant outcries. Long
moaning
calls. Of man or beast. Or the tunnel to the sea. Percival said that when certain doors were open in the castle a wind blew. And once sent someone flying out and down into the deeps. A titbit for the great conger.

‘The wool of my dress makes the smell even worse.’

‘Take it off.’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘Please.’

‘Is it to get rid of the smell or are you carnally intended.’

‘A little of each.’

‘What is it about me that fascinates you.’

‘It’s all of you.’

‘How disappointing. I’d hoped it might be something special, my eyes or lips or something. But how dreary, the whole of me.’

The ammonia smell. Paining the nostrils. A thump thump passing the door. Could be Bloodmourn on his crutch. Might ask him to help. To keep tabs on the castle. Said he has experience in accountancy. Bankrupted three companies with his book keeping. But now he knows for sure how to avoid the pitfalls. Elmer growls. Maybe at a mamba long green and motionless unseen in the dark. Ready to sink fangs. As I get a whiff of Trudy’s scent pressing my nose behind her ear. Seems years ago I climbed down steps in a moist fresh early morning breeze to the ship’s tender waiting in the harbour. Taking me ashore bumping on the tide. To this land. Full of grumbling hunched figures scurrying through streets. Children thronged dirty faced and barefooted in the doorways. Women huddled in shawls whispering. Great swarms of bicycles stopped by a white gloved policeman. Out of
side-streets
and into nowhere a female pipe and drum band paraded by. Passing away down between the dark buildings. The music gone. The world wet and grey. And me agog with wonder.

‘Apropos of nothing at all What were you just thinking about.’

‘You.’

‘I’ve got to get out of this dress. Do you mind.’

‘I’d like it.’

‘Naughty. But my God what will Jeffrey think. He’ll wonder how I got peed on.’

‘Elmer can pee that high.’

‘Can he.’

‘Certainly.’

‘O good. Can we be found here.’

‘Only if someone comes up that staircase from the
kitchens.
And tries forty doors.’

‘Who is that dark haired girl with the blue eyes.’

‘Charlene, she helps cook.’

‘She doesn’t know how to keep her place. Distinctly felt her giving me hostile glances. There I am bare.’

‘No you’re not.’

‘Well nearly. It’s chilly. It’s as far as I’m going to go for the moment anyway. Until you say something flattering.’

‘I like your voice. It’s beautiful in the dark.’

‘Is it.’

‘Yes.’

‘One gets so tired of the word beautiful. Couldn’t you say my timbre makes you tremble.’

‘Everything in this place does that to me.’

‘Since I don’t then perhaps I’d better leave.’

‘Don’t. Please. It’s the truth. Every morning I wake the blood starts pumping into my brain and my temples begin to throb. Imagining some new disaster. Someone
plummeting
stepping over one of Percival’s danger lines. Solicitor’s letters, poison pen letters. Bills.’

‘But you’re awfully rich Jeffrey says.’

‘I have exactly four pounds and some odd shillings.’

‘How can you afford to keep this huge place with a large staff and an endless stream of guests.’

‘Everything’s on tick.’

‘What about wages.’

‘They said not to worry. They like it here.’

‘Good lord. Well that’s all right. Very sporting. But do be careful, you may find things missing, silver and so on. After all the smiling is over they can be a supremely
tiresome
people. Would you mind awfully. I can’t find the entrance to your privates. Good lord how many pairs of underwear have you got on.’

‘Four.’

‘Why.’

‘I’m cold.’

‘I’ve got them. Are these them.’

‘Yes.’

‘They’re quite warm. How wonderful. After two you know three are so much more interesting.’

Elmer’s claws scrabbling. Somewhere behind something. Lady Gail Allouise has sharp elbows. And long fingernails. Weighing up the hidden treasure. Six and a half ounces. Nails might come blasting in any moment behind twin forty fives just as she has them balanced. Wasn’t all that bad in that world back there over the seas. Maybe a tiny apartment only having a corner window over the lake. My own tropical fish bubbling in the foyer. A girl friend who comes and cooks on friday nights. Both lie in bed with big mugs of coffee on Saturday morning. Each might own little doggies. Walk them together. Sit and listen to music. One’s life handy sized and tidy. Hot water throbbing through pipes. Splashing warmly. Instead of this pee cooling coldly.

‘A photograph of these would be marvellous for Veronica’s scrapbook. You’d have a place of honour. There’s genitalia page after page. You wonder who they belong to. Quite amazing to find out. Men who are otherwise quite robust with little ones. She did Jeffrey in colour. I was aghast. No one could mistake him with his red hair. Good lord one doesn’t want others to imagine what one is
getting
from one’s husband. It makes you feel good when I hold them like this. Men love comfort. So does dear Jeffrey. I quite find myself forgiving him anything. Upon our first introduction he said in quite ringing tones, heard by my aunts who make honey in the country, here’s a good old cow’s arse. He took no notice except to give me a pinch now and again. What excited him was my money, which he discovered I had before I did. He’s so awfully frightened by poverty. Gets really quite hysterical about it, rampaging all over the house. Once fired all the grooms and
gamekeepers.
When I hired them back he stood in the hall totally rigged out in mountain climbing equipment, a pack on his back. I said Jeffrey whatever are you doing. He was shaking his fist saying by God we’ll live on the roadside as itinerants if we have to. And all because one of my maiden aunts had just left me two hundred and sixty thousand pounds instead of three hundred and ten which poor old Jeffrey had counted on. He is a dear one. I’ve
talked quite a lot haven’t I. But you know I somehow was raised that not to make conversation with someone right next to you was rude.’

A shout through the castle. Voices raised. A commotion. Sound of Erconwald. Calling out. Good person. Good person. Distress. Distress.

‘Lady Macfugger do you hear what I hear.’

‘I think so.’

‘Someone is shouting distress.’

‘Yes. What could it be.’

‘The possibilities are encyclopaedic.’

‘Good lord you’re not going. Leaving me in a state of dishabille.’

‘I’ve got to. Someone might have fallen in a well.’

‘At least have the courtesy to embrace me before leaving.’

‘Certainly.’

‘O God I’m a failed woman. Hold me please. You’ve simply got to seduce me. Couldn’t we just do it quickly. Jeffrey says I’m cold. I don’t really in the least care what went on with you and Veronica. I know she caught you with another gentleman who was, to put it in my school girl Latin, in puris naturalibus.’

‘I beg your pardon. He was not quite.’

‘Honestly I don’t mind. Jeffrey has always said that buggery with a beautiful man was quite bestirring.’

‘Now wait a minute.’

‘O let’s not please bandy words. Take me.’

‘God there’s another cry, someone must be in mortal peril.’

‘They’ll last somehow. People always come crawling up out of wells. I’m all ready.’

‘I’ m not.’

‘It was hard a second ago.’

‘Gail. May I call you Gail.’

‘I wish you would.’

‘Gail in the nervous state I’m in. I don’t think I could manage a quick one. Couldn’t I come back when I see what’s wrong.’

‘And leave me here in the dark. Peed on. Chilled.’

‘O God. For Christ’s sake I can’t stand this whole shit and caboodle any longer. God damn it This place is driving me out of my mind.’

‘What are you doing.’

‘I’m breaking this damn thing standing in my way.’

‘For God’s sake be careful you don’t strike me.’

‘I’ve had enough.’

‘You haven’t had any. If I may suggest. And someone is going to hear you shouting.’

‘It’s my goddamn castle.’

‘Well you are, aren’t you. Quite the one. You’re behaving just like Jeffrey. And it’s most wounding. When a woman offers you her body as I have.’

‘You could have been quicker.’

‘That wouldn’t have been nice. Please why don’t you just shut up and lie down here next to me.’

‘The shouts are getting louder. They must be up in the northwest turret.’

‘Where are we.’

‘Mid way between northwest and southwest turrets. But don’t count on it.’

‘I’m aquiver. It would be so much more suitable if I were fighting off your advances.’

‘You would be, honestly. I swear. But you have no idea what goes on here. It’s a nightmare. I want this to be a normal castle.’

‘You mustn’t allow things to get you down. You must turn your head and look the other way.’

‘That’s exactly what I do and it’s always where the next disaster is.’

‘Is this nice running my finger very lightly along the underside.’

‘Gail it is. It really is but I’ve got to go. I know by the sound that it’s terribly serious. Erconwald never raises his voice.’

‘But it’s getting hard.’

‘Please Gail. I’ll come back.’

‘O God Mr Clementine, or Clayton or Claw, I’ll never get up my nerve like this again.’

‘You will.’

‘I know I won’t. I’ve led an entirely sheltered life. Do you know what it’s like to be raised by a nannie with three under nannies.’

‘No. Just with one nannie.’

‘Well I can tell you that straight from that to a girl’s school there’s been little opportunity to know men.’

‘I could be back in just a minute if it’s nothing serious and then we could talk about this.’

‘My breasts are quite good you know.’

‘I’m sure they are.’

‘How do you know when you haven’t felt one. Give me your hand. See.’

‘Gail I mean it. I really mean it that I want to come back and feel. But this could be something I’m going to be sued about. I’d only be wretched and not at my best. You wouldn’t want that would you.’

‘Yes. And there’s something I could do. No I couldn’t. No I won’t. I’m glad I didn’t say that.’

‘Say what. What were you going to say.’

‘No I won’t say it. It would be just too humiliating.’

‘For God’s sake, come on. Tell me. They might be
getting
closer.’

‘Well I could give you money.’

‘Could you.’

‘Yes.’

‘How much.’

‘Something quite substantial. If you are in the terrible predicament you say you’re in. I would like to help you. Dear me, you are subsiding again.’

‘I can’t help it. The thought of money gives me a whole new landscape of images. That’ll have to go away before it comes up again.’

‘That’s Jeffrey. That’s his voice.’

‘O boy.’

‘We could be found.’

Clementine stiffening. Along the hair follicles. And down the spine. The voices echo. Rebounding in the courtyard. Up over the battlements. Worrying far out in the night.
Shouted on the loneliness creeping over the dark
mountain.
And far away along the coast.