The NSC Boxset: Heart of Stone (273 page)

“Mom . . .”

I shook my head to stop him. “No, I know how hard it has been for you to accept the things of my past but you also need to know that your father wasn’t to blame for any of it. Things happen in life none of us can control, and the only thing to help us get through them is to find the courage to let them go. You need to do that now, or you’ll never find your peace, George. It will eat away at you until all that’s left is an empty shell that will crumble in the wind. Bury the hatred before it buries you.”

He gazed at me for a while before he nodded, “Okay, I’ll try but you need to do the same.” I frowned at him in confusion. “Debora isn’t Rebecca, and Rebecca isn’t Debora.”

I smiled softly at him. “You love her very much.”

“I do,” he answered with a nod. “She loves me for all my faults. Her life hasn’t exactly been easy either but she’s strong, the strongest person I have ever known after you and the way she looks at me gives me the strength that I need.”

“Then hold on to her, baby. Hold the fuck on as hard as you can because I can promise you, when you have that love, the love that feels like it could swallow you alive, then you need to absorb it into every single fibre of your body, because one day, when life drags you into hell, the only thing that will keep you fighting is that love.”

His smile was soft as he gripped my hand hard. “And you found that love twenty years ago.”

“I did.”

And now it was my turn to hold onto that love as hell dragged me under.

* * *

The cottage was cold but welcoming, the heart of her already embracing me and accepting how this new relationship would be. I smiled as though she could physically see me, as though she was already giving me back the happy memories.

The children’s cries echoed in the silence, Mason’s laughter and his loving words whispered to me as visions of the past danced around me, their silhouettes saluting me and reminding me I was far from alone.

I turned up the thermostat, forcing the chill away. The kitchen light flickered and the radiators gurgled but that just made this less painful. She was faulty, like me, but we would both take those faults and nurture them. Yet as a simple bulb would fix her, nothing would fix me. But she knew that, and she still comforted me.

“Just you and me now girl.” I swiped the dust from the window ledge as I peered into the moonlit garden, “Right up to the end.”

I walked up the stairs, smiling at the third step that still creaked and then stood in the doorway to the bedroom.

He sat up and pulled me up so I was kneeling in front of him. “You are so beautiful, Ava” he told me. Unease surged through me as I saw his sad painful expression.

“From your soft curls” he stroked his fingers through my hair. “To your smooth pale skin.” He trailed a finger across my shoulder blade. “To your delicious breasts,” he brushed his thumb over the swell of them. “To your striking green eyes.” He kissed each of my eyes. “To your remarkable heart,” he leant forward and kissed my heart and then sat back and cupped my face.

“That is why I’m setting you free, Ava.”

I fell to my knees, the shadow of my husband ripping open my soul and crushing it to dust beneath it. However much pain he had caused me, I had repaid tenfold. All he had ever done was love me too much, as I him.

And now it was time to end the pain I gave him. It was time to let him go.

“That is why I’m setting you free, Mason.”

Chapter Seven

Destruction

Mason

I SHIVERED AS the chill enveloped me then pulled the covers up under my chin and turned to seek warmth from my wife.

“Aww,” I moaned when I found she’d already risen. The sun was barely up and Ava was already organised. I grabbed her pillow and pulled it against me, inhaling her sweet scent. Something tickled my nose and I eventually opened my eyes, squinting at the light as it burnt my retinas.

I moved my head back to look at the white paper sticking in my cheek. The harsh whiteness of the envelope slapped at me when I realised what it was. I didn’t need to open it to know what it said.

My heart rate was threatening to propel my blood though my pores as nausea swirled in my stomach, my gut bubbling as a huge surge of acid blistered the lining.

“No.”

I shot off the bed, staring at the envelope as though it would physically hurt me. My fingernails dug into my palm as I twisted my hands, not knowing what to do with them. I’d rather chop them off than let them open the thing sat on my bed mocking me.

I turned and yanked open the curtains, cursing as the sun hit my face, its warmth taunting the chill that had seeped into my bones. “No.” I repeated. It was all I was able to say, other words had formed and disintegrated, the acid in my stomach gobbling them up as they slid back down my throat. “No.”

My back slid down the wall when my legs eventually gave way. I drew my knees up and hugged them, forcing comfort from them. If I curled so far into myself then maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit. Maybe, if I wished hard enough I could turn back time and stay awake all night, watching her and readying myself to stop her leaving.

Maybe, fucking maybe. That was all I had, maybe . . . maybe, fucking maybe.

I needed to hit. I needed oblivion. I needed my fucking wife.

Gritting my teeth, I reached out and snatched the letter from the bed. It seemed to literally burn the skin on my fingers as I stared at it, her elegant scrawl saying my name, her unique scent evaporating off it in waves and making my heart wrench.

I closed my eyes when I opened it, like it would prevent the words from hitting me full force.

I placed it on the floor beside me as I crawled across the room and dug into my jacket pocket, pulling the small bag from inside the lining of the pocket. Dipping my finger in and coating it with just enough to steady my nerves, I spread it over my teeth and waited for the slight tingle to hit my brain. I had promised myself no more but I needed it just this once, just to give me the strength to deal with this.

The slight calm took over and I crept towards the item waiting to laugh at me. I pulled the paper from the envelope and drew a breath.

Mason,

My love, please understand what I’m about to do. I need you to be strong for me.

I need you to let me do this.

You are my world, my soul, my heart and you have to believe that this is hurting me more than is bearable. But, more than that, I don’t want you to witness this pain, nor do I want you to experience it.

I would never forgive myself for taking your beautiful smile away, or for tearing your soul apart when you witness this evil eating away at me.

I always want to be your little warrior, yet now, I can no longer be that and I never want you to see my weakness and fear. I will never allow that.

Although we are apart, I know you will be with me, always. Entirely and wholly, as you always promised, as I will be with you.

I need you to let me go. I need you to free that part of me that is inside you, liberate the part of my soul that you have kept for safe keeping. It’s time now, baby.

It’s time to remember what we had before this illness ruins our memories, and turns them septic. Because they will. My death will forever be with you and I couldn’t bear for those memories to take away the happy ones.

You kept me alive when the darkness threatened, Mason. You held me up when hell wanted to swallow me whole. You took on my past and you freed me from it, and now it is my turn to return your freedom so you can live for the future.

You will never leave me, ever. I will always be yours. My heart will always belong to you, all of it.

I’m going away now. Please, please, if you can’t ever promise me anything else, promise me that you will let me go. Give me the peace I need to say goodbye.

Take care of our babies, raise them as we have together and nurture them, Mason. But above all, love them, fucking love them and never let them forget.

Goodbye, my darling. You will forever feel me with you, because you own me, all of me forever.

I love you, wholly and entirely, always and forever.

Your little warrior.

Your heart.

Kade found me twenty minutes later, my hands bleeding, high as fuck, sat rocking in the corner of the trashed bedroom.

Chapter Eight

Rebellion

Ava

Six weeks later

THE STOOL MOVED under me, rocking from side to side and I grabbed hold of the edge of the bar to steady myself. Glen, the bartender, smirked at me, “Steady on, love.”

I shrugged. Fuck him. I’d found the small bar at the edge of the city and deemed it a safe zone, far away from where Mason and my friends frequented. It was the first time I’d ventured out since leaving. My supply of cash had withered away, and I’d had to find a cash point but had then spotted the pub and decided to waste away in there instead of in front of the TV.

It was a lively place, with karaoke and a small dance floor to one side, and a quieter section where I was, on the other side.

“I’m still too steady,” I informed him as I pushed my glass towards him.

He shook his head but shrugged as he took it from me, “Same again?”

I nodded firmly, “Same again.”

I slid the money to him, giving him a humungous tip when I refused the change and downed the vodka and cranberry, once again sliding the empty glass in his direction. “Do you have a death wish?” he asked when he sighed and refilled my glass again.

I laughed at him, “Yep, might as well get it over with.”

He frowned at me but then shifted his eyes to the person who slid onto the stool beside me. I watched him narrow his eyes on my neighbour before I turned to study who had got his back up.

The black haired guy seemed familiar and I pursed my lips as I studied him intensely. “Do you always have to look at me like you wanna devour me, Ms Fox?”

I stared at him in confusion before it clicked. “Mr Steed.”

He grinned at me as he gestured for Glen to refill my glass, “And a Jack, no ice for me, Glen.”

“Steed,” Glen warned. “We both know who she is. She has a death wish, don’t you join her.”

I snapped my head towards Glen, “How do you know who I am?”

He shook his head as if I was stupid, “Ava Fox, everyone knows who you are. Your family makes sure everyone knows who they are.”

He studied me when the panic hit my face. I had managed to stay out of Mason’s radar for six weeks and now just because I had needed a drink, he would be close to finding me. Stupid. Stupid.

“You mustn’t tell them I have been here.”

“Why?”

“Because . . . you just can’t. Believe me if my ex-husband finds out you let me get this drunk, he’ll crucify you.” I lied, trying anything to make him hold onto my secrets.

“Ava,” Steed probed, “you said
ex
-husband.”

I nodded and swallowed back the rest of my drink. “Yes. I did.”

“Wow.” He blew out a breath and stared at his drink.

“Mr Steed . . .”

“Ava, call me Dane, please.”

I shook my head at him furiously, “No, I can’t do that.”

“Why? It’s just a name.”

“No,” I told him seriously, the alcohol slurring my words and making me sombre. “It isn’t just a name to me. It’s a nightmare, it’s a curse.”

His eyes widened on me. I knew he thought I was crazy but he sighed heavily. “Fine, call me Steed then. I can’t be doing with the mister part.”

I nodded in confirmation, blinking as my head swayed heavily with the movement. “Another?” Steed asked with a sly smirk.

“Are you trying to get me on my back?” I asked as I narrowed my eyes on him.

“I once asked you for a fuck and if I remember rightly, you told me the only person you ever fucked was your husband.” He leaned across the bar until his mouth brushed over my ear. “Well now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but now, right the fuck now, I’d say you’re available.”

I shivered when he took hold of my chin between his fingers and turned my face towards him, his piercing blue eyes delving inside me. “And I lay claim, darlin.’ You’re now mine.”

“Steed . . .”

He shook his head, his face drawing closer. “You need to fuck, Ava. I can smell it on you. But I’m warning you, I don’t fuck nicely. I fuck with pain and lots of it but I’m guessing that’s exactly how you liked to be fucked.”

* * *

His fists ripped at my hair as we fell through my front door, the handle banging off the wall where Mason had once pinned me up and fucked me hard. I grabbed at Steed harder, trying to force the memories away.

His kiss was furious and spiteful, his dominant streak taking from me what I was willing to give. His fingers dug into my cheeks as he cupped my face and slanted my head so he could take more and more, his tongue fighting angrily with mine, the muscle dictating and forceful.

He pulled back and glared at me, his chest heaving as his tongue ran over his lower lip, lapping at the blood I had brought forward with the bite. I gasped when he yanked my head back. “You like it hard, darlin’? Then let me oblige.”

I whimpered when he dragged me up the stairs, not violently but with just enough hold to make me pant and greedily need more from him.

I knew this was gonna rip me in two. I hadn’t been with another in twenty years and Steed’s dominance and anger would help me cope with this.

He let go of me when we reached the bedroom. “Stand still,” he ordered. I was struggling to breathe. My body was on fire, every single tiny hair on my body begging for stimuli as my thighs started to tremble.

He circled me, his finger lightly perusing me along with his eyes. He came to rest behind me, leaving me on high alert and ready for begging. His arms slid around me until he was clutching the silk of my shirt in his hands.

I hissed when he yanked and ripped open my blouse, buttons pinging across the room as he tugged the material off me.

His gasp made me cringe as he traced each of my scars with the tip of his finger. “Shush, keep still.”