The New Rules for Blondes (13 page)

Miscellaneous

• People really appreciate traditional snail mail. A condolence card should always be sent via traditional mail. Condolence cards can be hard to write, oftentimes. Everything feels clichéd and impersonal. You can certainly lead with the standard “I’m so sorry for loss,” but then you should incorporate a few sentences about the deceased—share a positive anecdote or memory about that person. Not a memory of “that one time when we drank a bunch of Zima, then went skinny-dipping,” but a family-appropriate memory. You can keep that Zima/skinny-dipping memory to yourself.
  
• If you are staying at a friend’s home, always bring something along when you arrive. This hostess gift can be of any sort, really, since the hostess isn’t busy with a dinner party in that case. Nice ideas include something for the home (a candle, potpourri, a seasonal tabletop decoration) or food (a nice bread or jam for the next day’s breakfast, or a bottle of wine).
  
• Try to remember personal anecdotes or things that friends or acquaintances tell you. This makes you seem really sweet (even if you’re faking it) and thoughtful. Develop memorization techniques to aid memory. I’m a very visual person, so I do visualization exercises where I think about the person and picture whatever it is that they told me. For instance, if my friend Ali says that her laptop was stolen, I’ll picture that scene in my head. Then, the next time I’m in the card section of CVS buying a card for my lovely grandmother (we’re pen pals
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  ), the image of Ali losing her laptop might spring to mind and I’ll buy her a card just to say hello and wish her well. Visualization: If it’s a good enough strategy to help sports stars win big games, it’s a good enough strategy to help me remember random bullshit.
  

My classy blonde mother and brown-haired father taught me many useful lessons in childhood, but manners and appropriate behavior are the ones that pay off every day. You can’t fake that stuff—you must know how to function in polite society. That way, even if your color has gotten a bit faded and might be considered brassy, you’re still considered a classy blonde.

CHAPTER 12

RULE:
Channel Blonde Wisdom

D
ear reader, you’re savvy enough to laugh at blonde jokes but deep down know that blonde gals are smarter than they look. Public opinion is certainly shifting, but it’s up to us blonde ladies to complete the dismantling of blonde stereotypes by showcasing our smarts whenever we can. Let’s push forward with intelligence, hope, and change (but not be afraid to embrace the stereotype when it’s handy).

This chapter is a useful gathering of million-dollar words that you can drop in conversation when necessary. If you should find yourself trapped in conversation at a cocktail party or dinner gathering with a smarmy jerk who is being patronizing and you can tell that he thinks that you’re just another ditzy blonde, drop one of these bad boys and watch what happens. I can guarantee that the know-it-all’s entire world will be turned upside down by the mere suggestion that you might be even remotely intelligent. Revel in this moment, as you stand by and watch this jerk bag have a
Death of a Salesman
–like existential crisis. This type of person seems to almost resent when a spunky gal with good hair dares to understand complicated issues, possess sophisticated vocabulary, or hold her own in conversation. Know-it-alls tend to think that there is a finite quantity of intelligence in the world, and if you have any, that means that there is less for him. So toss out “zaftig” in reference to a portly congresswoman and watch what happens. It won’t be pretty, but it will be awesome.

You were smart enough to pick up this book, so obviously you’re whip-smart, but your smarts may be somewhat specialized. Perhaps you’re like me, and a lifelong addiction to hair metal bands has resulted in your near-encyclopedic knowledge of metal band minutiae. Or maybe you’re a hypochondriac, and as a result, you know a ton about diseases and disorders. Or perhaps you spent many happy hours during childhood watching your local major league baseball team, so now you know everything about America’s favorite pastime. That’s great. Don’t be shy about revealing that stuff during conversations with strangers. You’re a smart cookie—show it off.

Some wise women take the opposite tack and embrace the assumption that they are idiots. They play it up, deliberately acting naïve and unknowing. These blonde ladies know full well that they are smart and savvy, but they don’t need to answer to anyone or seek outside validation of their intelligence. They’d rather fly under the radar and play the role of a dumb blonde, then come out on top because of incorrect expectations. It’s a brilliant negotiation tactic. Dolly Parton and Pamela Anderson are two perfect examples of this phenomenon. Both ladies are assumed to be moronic nitwits who are all boobs and big blonde hair. In reality, both Dolly and Pam are savvy, self-sufficient businesswomen. Dolly Parton was one of twelve children raised in a one-room shack in the mountains of Tennessee and grew up to be a wildly successful singer, songwriter, actress, musician, and philanthropist. She laughs off the naysayers and jokes about her plastic surgery and style, saying, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.” Pamela Anderson is a Canadian-born actress, model, and activist who has used her celebrity platform to share her struggles (hepatitis C) and support the issues that are important to her (veganism and animal rights). With her roles in the hit series
Baywatch
and
V.I.P.
and the film
Blonde and Blonder
, Anderson’s self-awareness and ability to laugh at herself are refreshing. But not everyone wants to play up the dumb-blonde stereotype, and that’s understandable. I find it more enjoyable to decimate expectations and assumptions immediately when faced with judgmental pricks.

The modern blonde is inquisitive and alert, eager to learn more and unafraid to get intellectual when the situation calls for it. If you aspire to be this self-assured but aren’t quite there yet, arm yourself with these five-star vocab words to boost your confidence in any conversation. And don’t stop building your lexicon at the end of my list—collect new words like Carrie Bradshaw collected heels!

• myopic
  : short sighted, narrow-minded. Smart people
  love
  dropping this one. To describe something as myopic (and it’s an adjective, so it’s used as a descriptor) is saying that it’s self-centered and simplistic. For example, you know John Cougar Mellencamp’s song “Small Town”? Great song. The anthem of small-town pride across the nation. But Mellencamp showcases a pretty myopic worldview through the lyrics of this song. Born in a small town, parents still live in a small town, you admit that you’ll probably die in a small town? That’s a great example of a myopic life.
  
• debacle
  : a complete collapse, a train wreck, a chaotic mess. I’m convinced that the only reason I was accepted to my wonderful alma mater is because in the interview I referred to my high school’s delayed building renovations as a “chaotic debacle.” I’m often tempted to refer to something as a “shit show” or “train wreck,” but when judgmental, uptight people are listening, I’ll sub in the word “debacle” instead.
  
• Faustian
  . Get ready to blow judgmental people’s minds when you drop this gem. Faust is a character from a classic German legend who makes a deal with the devil, trading his soul for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures. Sound familiar? It should since this premise has been used time and time again in film, plays, songs, and more. Two of my favorite uses of a Faustian deal with the devil are Tenacious D’s “Tribute” and “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by the Charlie Daniels Band. An example of a Faustian bargain would be if I sold my soul in exchange for perfectly blonde hair for the rest of my life (I suspect that some people think that I have made this agreement, but I assure you I have not. I have good genes and a great colorist.)
  
• Dickensian
  : like the conditions in a book by Charles Dickens, which is to say bleak, squalid, poverty-stricken. As you probably know, Dickens was all about depressing stories of poverty, orphans, and debtors. In the way that Michael Jackson was known for his one bedazzled glove during the 1980s, if Charles Dickens were known for any type of glove, it would be the fingerless glove.
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  There’s just something so broke and dirty about fingerless gloves. So if something is described as Dickensian, it’s probably pretty dark and broke. If you find yourself at a super-swank cocktail party, you might hear a comment like “Did you see the cloak room? It was freezing and horribly lit—positively Dickensian!”
  
• Machiavellian
  : characterized by sleezy, cunning moves; dishonest. I love words like this. It’s derived from the name of Italian renaissance diplomat and author Niccolo Machiavelli, who wrote
  The Prince
  , but you might recognize it as (almost) the pseudonym of rapper Tupac Shakur: Makaveli. (More on Tupac in a minute.) Psychologists can assess and measure a person’s Machiavellianism, which indicates that the person is sociopathic, has no regard for others, and is only focused on his or her own self-interest.
  61
  So, in cocktail party conversation, you might refer to a coldy pragmatic, ruthless politician as “Machiavellian.” Tupac Shakur was inspired by Machiavelli’s book
  The Prince
  and its assertion that a leader could eliminate his enemies by all means necessary. Machiavelli: code for a tricky, selfish, dishonest person and the pseudonym of a great West Coast rapper whose talent was snuffed out during the East Coast vs. West Coast rap battles in the 1990s.
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• Shakespearean
  . Another gem of a million-dollar word. This can be used to describe many things, as poet-playwright William Shakespeare invented many literary phenomena that we now take for granted. For example, many films and TV shows will use stormy weather to portend doom or to build tension—that was totally Shakespeare’s idea first! It’s known as “Shakespeare’s storms,” and now everybody’s doing it! He was an innovator and you can still feel the effects of his ideas on theater, poetry, and literature. A lot of his comedic plays are about hilarious and elaborate misunderstandings, so keep the descriptor “Shakespearean” in mind when you’re at a cocktail party and someone is rambling on about a misunderstanding with his wife’s car and the babysitter and what time to pick up the kids. That sounds like a Shakespearean scene! (A very boring Shakespearean scene.)
  
• pedantic
  : excessively academic, showy in one’s smarts. I get a nerd high from using the word “pedantic” around people who I find pedantic. Double word score! (Or something.) A lot of ugly, straight, white dudes whose mothers doted on them too much during childhood eventually grow up to be pedantic adults. They’ve got to name-drop their academic achievements because they are clueless about social interaction. A pedantic person might go out of his way to detail his résumé and academic achievements while you are making small talk at a cocktail party. Shut it, guy. Let’s just focus on chugging these free gin-and-tonics, OK?
  
• puerile
  : childish, immature, trivial. You can remember this one using the handy trick that Purell (hand sanitizer) is good to use after you have been around immature children (because they are usually filthy and their fingers are covered in germs). Use Purell around puerile kids. In cocktail party banter, you might say something like, “My friends and I recently enjoyed a day of paintball—a totally puerile activity but lots of fun!” People will be thinking, “Whoa—she’s smart, active,
  and
  has great hair.”
  
• bourgeois
  . You don’t grow up with a mom who teaches French and not learn a few French words (and eat a lot of madeleine cookies). Originally, the term “bourgeois” signified a member of the upper class (within Marxism). Over time, though, it has come to mean a person who is flashy or ostentatious with his or her wealth. Now, “bourgeois” and “nouveau riche” (French for “new money”) mean the same thing essentially: newly wealthy people who show off their wealth. In James Cameron’s 1997 film
  Titanic
  , Kathy Bates played the role of Margaret “Molly” Brown (an actual person, not just a character in the film), who was nouveau riche/bourgeois. The other first-class passengers on the
  Titanic
  looked down on her because she was categorized as “new money,” which they deemed vulgar and loud. Margaret Brown was indeed new money—her husband, James Joseph Brown, was a wildly successful engineer, and she went from growing up as a poor kid from Hannibal, Missouri, to being a wealthy socialite and philanthropist. If there’s one thing that old money hates, it’s new money. So, despite its original definition, today the word “bourgeois” has a negative connotation and means a person who has new money and is ostentatious with it.
  
• nostalgie de la boue
  . Let’s stay on this French kick with “nostalgie de la boue,” which translates to “a yearning for the mud” and means an attraction to what is crude or degrading—a romanticized notion of the class below you. If a person at a cocktail party is telling a story about when he was twenty-one and lived with five friends in a tiny apartment and they subsisted on ramen noodles, and he’s marveling at how simple and fun those times were, that’s definitely nostalgie de la boue (and you should identify it as such, so the guy knows you’re smart and thinks you’re multilingual). Be careful with this phrase, though, because correct pronunciation is imperative here. So if you’re shaky on your high school French, don’t use this one.
  
• louche
  . This one is pronounced “loosh,” and it’s an adjective that means dubious, shady, or disreputable. You see it often in modern literary reviews, but you almost never hear it in conversation, which will win you points from the judges.
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  I would say that my favorite dive bar, with its oddball characters, unmarked entrance, and honky-tonk jukebox, has a certain louche appeal. Or you might say that you don’t usually go to a certain neighborhood because it’s quite dangerous and filled with louche characters.
  
• zaftig
  . This adjective is a poetic way to call a woman fat. Well, not straight-up fat but proportionately and pleasantly plump. One might say that Rubenesque models are beautiful and quite zaftig. A similarly impressive word with the same meaning is “embonpoint.” “Embonpoint” can be a noun or an adjective.
  
• zeitgeist
  . That last
  Z
  word reminded me of another killer
  Z
  word: “zeitgeist.” “Zeitgeist” means the spirit of the times, the current cultural movement or pulse. One might say that AMC’s hit show
  Mad Men
  accurately represents the cultural zeitgeist of the 1950s and ’60s. Trashy as this sounds, one could even describe the month (or so) in 2009 when Snuggies (those body-covering blankets) were popular as a time when Snuggies were part of the cultural zeitgeist. They were the hip thing, even if for a moment.
  
• twee
  : something that is sweet to the point of being sickeningly sweet. I’m a cynic, so I find many things overwhelmingly sweet or sentimental. For example, if you saw a grown woman on the street carrying a lace parasol and wearing all pink, you might say, “That’s a twee display.” I find it horribly twee when a new parent writes a thank-you note from the perspective of the baby, writing something like “Thank you for the nice book. My mommy and daddy love reading it to me!” So twee it hurts.
  
• Sisyphean
  . A personal favorite, and I really mean it this time. Like “Machiavellian” earlier, the word “Sisyphean” has a great origin story. Sisyphus was a character in classical mythology. Sisyphus pissed off a god, and his punishment was to roll a huge boulder up a hill, but as soon as he had completed his task, the boulder would simply roll back down the hill again. Sisyphus would have to start over again and again and again ad nauseum. So if something is Sisyphean, it’s an unending labor that is never truly completed—a life sentence, of sorts. In small talk at a dinner party, you might refer to a horrific project at work that feels never-ending as a “Sisyphean task.”
  
• nebulous
  : hazy, vague, or confused. Fantastic word because it has to do with astronomy and I love reading my horoscope. (Are these different things? Huh?). “Nebulous” is a great million-dollar word to drop instead of using “confused.” If you are asked to retell a funny story during a dinner party, you might kick it off by saying, “Gosh, I have a somewhat nebulous recollection of what happened, but here goes nothing,” then launch in on a story of the time that you and your best friend almost vomited at the hotel pool during your last party weekend in Vegas. That Vegas story makes you sound like an irresponsible, party machine, but your use of the word “nebulous” will balance things out.
  
• reify
  : to convert into or make into a concrete thing. You might say, “If you’ve ever walked out of the colorist’s salon crying, that trauma serves to reify the importance of communication between client and colorist.” Drop that one and watch their heads spin.
  
• ablutions
  : washing of hands, body. A weird word to drop in conversation, but it’s a personal favorite thanks to one of the many wonderful high school English teachers I had the pleasure of learning from. He used to speak frequently about the importance of “morning ablutions,” which struck me as funny and quirky at the time, but in retrospect perhaps he was encouraging me to shower more. Either way, it’s a hell of a word. Drop “ablutions” in conversation and people will probably think you’re pretty weird . . . and wicked smart.