The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups (8 page)
Read The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups Online
Authors: Harry Fisch,Karen Moline
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Instruction, #Health & Fitness, #Sexuality
QUIZ
IS HE DEPRESSED?
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Has he shown a loss of interest in usual activities that engage him?
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Is his libido nonexistent?
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Has his depressed mood lasted longer than two weeks?
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Are you having frequent fights without any resolution?
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Is he unusually anxious?
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Is he unable to do the simple tasks he usually did without any problems?
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Is he having trouble concentrating?
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Have his sleep patterns changed (such as difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, early-morning awakening, sleeping more than usual)?
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Has his appetite changed?
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Has he gained or lost a lot of weight suddenly?
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Is he drinking more or taking drugs?
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Is he avoiding friends?
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Is he unwilling to talk?
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Does he shut himself away in his room or another part of the house?
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Does he blow off things that used to make him happy?
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Is he feeling more pessimistic?
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Does he admit he feels worthless?
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Is he unusually bitter or angry?
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Has he mentioned wanting to die or suicide?
It is incredibly frustrating to me that mental illnesses are still such a source of shame and mistreatment in this country. If you get cancer, you wouldn’t hesitate to get it treated, right? But if you—and especially if men—get a brain-based illness such as anxiety or depression, drumming up the courage to seek help, let alone
good
help, can be a lot harder. Finding a therapist isn’t always easy or covered by insurance.
Admitting that you’re feeling bad isn’t easy for either men or women. But since women tend to be more in touch with emotional realities—and men more prone to bottling them up, women are more likely to seek out a medical professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist, for counseling.
A man who’s depressed needs help. As long as his depression goes untreated, his libido is shot (unless he is diagnosed as bipolar, in which case he might want a tremendous amount of sex in a manic phase, and none at all when he’s crashing into sadness). The quiz lists many of the markers for depression, and if you want more advice, speak to your physician or your own therapist about your worries and see if he or she can provide referrals or ideas for further treatment. You can also research different options at a trusted web source such as WebMD (
www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-resources
).
It’s not easy to broach the subject—which is why “How to Bring Up a Delicate Topic” (on
page 195
in
Lesson 5
) can help—but a man who is depressed has an illness that needs immediate medical care from a competent therapist. Low-level depression can respond to exercise, meditation, dietary changes, and short-term therapy, without any medication needed. Chronic depression, on
the other hand, is an extremely serious illness that is nearly impossible to lift without professional support. Help your man seek help. When appropriate, prescribed medication treatments, such as antidepressants, can be lifesavers for both your man’s mood and your relationship.
QUIZ
IS HE SUFFERING FROM LOW TESTOSTERONE?
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Is he tired all the time?
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Is he having erection problems?
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Is his sleep constantly disrupted or not deep enough to make him feel rested?
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Has he lost his sexual spark?
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Does he just not want to have sex anymore?
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Does he have low muscle tone?
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Are his testicles small or soft?
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Has he gained weight, particularly around his waist?
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Has he been diagnosed with osteoporosis?
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Has he been diagnosed with anemia?
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Is he depressed?
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Does he tell you he just feels blah without knowing why?
Low testosterone equals a low libido. In this case, he needs to see a doctor and have a complete blood workup. There’s no reason to suffer from this when it is so easy to treat!
For lots more information about low testosterone levels and what to do about them, see
page 87
in
Lesson 3
.
QUIZ
IS HE GAY AND STILL IN THE CLOSET?
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Are you having significantly less sex over a long period of time?
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Does he get defensive when you bring up your sex life?
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Is he blaming you for any sexual problems?
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Does he suddenly want you to use sex toys to stimulate him, particularly sex toys than involve anal penetration, such as a strap-on dildo or vibrators?
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Is he unusually secretive about phone calls or email or his social life?
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Does he hide his computer history from you?
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Have you found him looking at gay porn?
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Has he replied to any gay online dating sites?
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Does he look at men (instead of women) a little bit too long, as if he’s checking them out?
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Does he tell you he’s going to gay bars with his friends who are gay, but he’s “not”?
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Is he moody or angry at you for no reason?
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Is he more interested than usual in his appearance?
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Is he spending an inordinate amount of time at the gym or working out?
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Does he go on trips “with the guys” and not allow you to meet them?
A man who is gay is naturally programmed to be with other men sexually, not with women. If he is living a lie for whatever reason, at some point he probably will not want to have sex with you.
Gay men get married to straight women for reasons such as a need for security and a fear of being alone; genuine affection; or an inability to come to grips with their true sexual orientation, often coupled with deep denial and even deeper fear of being “exposed,” often as a result of being reared in a home where homosexuality was thought of as evil, sinful, unnatural, or degrading.
Most women who marry gay men do so when they want to be in a relationship so badly that they’re willing to overlook a lot of signs that point to the man’s sexual orientation. It’s often easy for women to become close to and develop a passionate love for gay men who can give them the emotional connection they seek and haven’t always gotten from heterosexual partners.
Believe me, I am not being judgmental when I say I think that most women I’ve seen whose partners are gay know deep down that they are. In retrospect, some of the signs were there. If you know this and the relationship works for you, and you’re both happy, I say more power to you. However, I don’t think that most couples who are living in such denial can sustain that happiness over a lifetime.
Here’s one rather extreme example I witnessed in my office. The reasons why Brendan and Lucinda came to see me spilled out quickly. Brendan was suffering from premature ejaculation, and Lucinda admitted that she was toying with the idea of bringing another woman into their relationship to spice up their sex life. (Not exactly what I’d call a realistic plan.) I immediately
had a feeling there was a lot more to this story than what they had told me.
“Well, Lucinda, since Brendan isn’t satisfying you, you think bringing in another woman could liven up your relationship. You need to tell Brendan what you want in the bedroom that would satisfy your desires, while still communicating your love for him in that fantasy. So what do you need Brendan to do to make sex more satisfying for you?”
Brendan interrupts. “Do I need to bring another man in?”
There it was. I knew exactly how this conversation was going to end.
“No! Of course not!” Lucinda said, looking shocked. “I don’t want another man in the bedroom with us. Having a threesome with another woman is my fantasy. And if you’re interested in other women, this way we can both have fun.”
Brendan frowned. “I don’t want to do that. I might be interested in dating another man… I’ve been having these feelings for men lately.”
Lucinda looked even more shocked.
“Lucinda,” I said gently, “think about how you just reacted when Brendan said he wanted to be with another man. I think you now understand how he felt when you said you wanted to be with another woman. Do you really want to do that, or are you looking for ways to get Brendan more interested in sex again?”
“But this is the first time Brendan has said anything like that. I can’t believe it,” she added, on the verge of tears. “At least he already knew about my fantasies. I haven’t acted on them or anything like that. I honestly don’t know if I could, anyway. And now he’s telling me he wants to have sex with a man.”
“Brendan, do you really want to have sex with another man?” I asked him. “Have you had sex with another man?”
Brendan looked only a little sheepish—not because having sex with men is wrong, but because he was about to not only admit to cheating but to being gay.
“Yes, I have. Lucinda, honestly, I’m really sorry. I am. I’ve been having oral sex with another man.”
Lucinda burst into tears. “For how long?”
“For about two months,” Brendan confessed. “For as long as I haven’t been able to ejaculate with you. I’m sorry.”
“Go on,” I prompted.
“Lucinda, I’m gay,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I love men. It’s over. I want to move on, and I need to move out. I’m sorry, but I have to.”
This wasn’t the most tactful way to drop such a bombshell on a loving wife, was it? Lucinda became distraught, and their marriage was irrevocably shattered.
Not every couple dealing with a similar, albeit less extreme situation will see the relationship end, of course. As I said already, some couples work it out and are content with their sexual and emotional lives. What makes these relationships work is loving honesty about each other’s needs and desires.
If you’re wondering how to broach the topic, it might be helpful to use a neutral third party, such as a marital counselor or trusted advisor. There is no easy way to deal with this. You have to ask the question and jump in the pool, even though you know the water is cold. A supportive therapist or counselor will help ask the delicate questions and give you strategies for moving forward.
Dear Dr. Fisch: Is My Husband Gay?
Dear Dr. Fisch,
I’m really worried about my marriage. My husband and I have been married for ten years and we have two small children, but we haven’t had sex in over six months. He used to steal my razors and shave off a lot of his leg hair, but one day he came home with nearly all his body hair—his chest hair and his pubic hair and even his facial hair—lasered off, and it’s a huge turnoff for me. He looks like a baby, all smooth and pink. I can’t believe he did this without discussing it with me first. I’m wondering, could he be gay? The last time I asked him, he left and didn’t come back for three days.
Signed, Hiding the Razors
Dear Hiding the Razors,
I can’t believe your husband got all his body hair removed, just like that! Talk about extreme. It’s almost as extreme as women who get Brazilians because their partners tell them to. (And yes, I think women doing something they may not want to solely for a partner’s pleasure can be extreme.)
I understand why this makes him less attractive and manly to you. Women are used to men having body hair. And you know what? Oils stick to body hair and give off a musky scent that a lot of women find subliminally alluring. The theory is that your body gives off pheromones, a scent that attracts the opposite sex.
That’s one of the reasons why women wear perfume. They don’t just want to smell good for themselves; they want to smell more attractive to men, too.
Anyway, it’s clear that something else is going on. This is about more than just his hair, or lack thereof. I hate to tell you this, but your husband is being very narcissistic and treating you badly. It’s likely he’s either getting sex from someone else or having so much sex with himself that he’s lost interest in you. But my inclination is that your husband could be having sex with other men, especially given his (for lack of a better word) extreme reaction, storming out the last time you asked him. A man who can answer “No” to that question doesn’t leave.
At some point, you two need to have a very frank conversation, as hard as that might be. If you find the thought of that conversation untenable, you may want to find a good therapist so a neutral party can help frame the questions and help you both deal with the answers calmly. You and your relationship deserve it.
So what do you do if you answered yes to some or many of the questions in a particular quiz? If you answered a strong yes to at least a few questions on any of them, you probably realize that you or your partner is likely in denial about one of these issues. You may even be feeling relieved because at least you know the truth or can take steps to get to the bottom of it.
Only you can decide whether you want to stay in your
relationship and see if you both can work things out. The goal of this book is to help you deal with the sexual issues and get to the truth of what’s going on, good and bad, easy or tough. My advice in these situations is to find someone with compassion and understanding, whether a professional therapist or a trusted friend, to help guide and support you so you can make the best decisions for you and your relationship.
