The New Male Sexuality (18 page)

Sexual fantasies are entirely normal for human beings, but how we use our minds varies considerably. Some people’s fantasies are mainly positive, while other people’s are mainly negative. Some people spend a lot more time with their fantasies than others, and usually their fantasies are more elaborate. Some people are willing to fantasize about things that others aren’t. They find it pleasurable to fantasize about sex with their partners, other people’s partners, animals, and all sorts of combinations. Other people have trouble with such fantasies. They think it’s wrong to fantasize about sex at all, about certain kinds of sex, or sex with certain people.

Fantasies serve several purposes. One is that they are an inexpensive entertainment that usually makes us feel good. Even though we’re not likely to ever have sex with fourteen Playboy bunnies at the same time, or even sequentially, it can feel very good to imagine doing so. Another purpose is turning us on, really an extension of the first purpose. Whether or not you’re fantasizing about sex with your partner, what goes on in your imagination can arouse you to the point that you’ll want sex with her or that you’ll be more passionate when you see her than otherwise might be the case.

Sexual fantasies can also be used therapeutically. Imagining an arousing activity can be helpful in the midst of sex. If you notice your arousal or erection flagging during erotic activity, conjuring up a favorite fantasy may make a difference. Imagining a sexual activity that you haven’t tried but think you might want to can give you a better sense of how you might go about that, and whether you really do want to do it.

Despite the fact that fantasizing about sex comes so naturally and easily to human beings, and despite the helpful purposes it serves, sexual fantasies have not enjoyed a good press in Western culture, which, of course, has traditionally been predominantly antisexual. The biblical injunction “One who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” sums it all up.

Part of the problem with our culture is that it doesn’t make a clear enough distinction between imagining something and actually doing it. The fear has been that if you fantasize about having sex with a neighbor, you’ll actually do it. There is at least a grain of truth in this. Fantasy can serve as rehearsal for behavior. Imagining the same thing repeatedly may motivate you to try it out. But in most cases this isn’t much of a problem. Real-life obstacles and your own values help keep the fantasy where it belongs—in your head.

People who feel guilty about their fantasies need to remind themselves that there is a big difference between imagining doing something and actually carrying it out. There is no law against imagining forcing someone to have sex with you, and there are both men and women who enjoy this kind of fantasy. Doing it in reality, however, is another matter entirely. There is also nothing wrong with fantasizing about protection-free, worry-free sex with strangers. In the real world, where sexual diseases are commonplace and where conception and bad feelings occur far more often than anyone would wish for, you ought to take the necessary precautions.

Fantasies can also be helpful in determining what you might want in the real world. Perhaps there are some elements of your imagery that you would like acted out. Some men I’ve worked with, for example, have had fantasies about “zipless fucks”—no words, not much foreplay, just silent, passionate, no-strings-attached fucking. In a number of these cases, they were able to talk to their partners about the fantasies and act them out, much to everyone’s satisfaction.

Please don’t assume that I mean you should act out everything in your fantasies. I don’t mean that at all. Just because you enjoy imagining being
whipped and dominated by a woman does not mean you’ll actually enjoy the reality of it. Use your common sense and consider whether this is something you’d really like to try and if you’re willing and able to go through with it. The real world often exacts prices that fantasies do not. Having sex with your wife’s sister may make for a wonderful fantasy. The reality, however, could be quite costly.

Despite the antisexual-fantasy position of our culture, most males have and enjoy erotic mental productions. It’s typical for boys and men to have fantasies when they masturbate. And from the studies that have been done, it’s typical for men and women to fantasize about sex at all sorts of times. But there are still many questions and doubts.

A professional man who consulted me because of guilt about his fantasies loved and was turned on by the woman he lived with, but during lovemaking he often had fantasies of sex with other women. He felt bad about this, as if he weren’t being true to his partner. He felt much better after we discussed the subject and I loaned him several collections of fantasies, which make it quite clear that many men and women fantasize about other people while having sex.

Some men readily accept that no matter how much they love and are turned on by their partner, they will continue to be turned on by and have fantasies about other women. But other men, like the man just mentioned, have trouble with this. It can help if they understand that being aroused by other women is typical for men. In fact, I’ve rarely encountered a man who said he was not turned on by other women and did not have fantasies about sex with them.

Although I can’t prove it, I believe that it goes even further than this. My impression is that after the newness of a relationship wears off, most of our sexual turn-ons do not come from our partner. Yes, you may still get greatly aroused by her, particularly if she says or does a certain thing, but I think chances are good that much of the passion you feel and that leads you to want sex with her is evoked by other women or situations. There are many, many attractive women in the world, and you’ll run into lots of them through the media and in real life: You’ll see them on the street, in your office, on the bus or train or plane, in the restaurant, and so on. There’s nothing wrong with getting sexually excited by seeing, hearing, or smelling a woman other than your partner. This is not the same, I hasten to add, as actually doing something sexual with these other people.

Since it’s a fact of life that a great many of us get turned on by other people—that the phenomenon is natural, if you will—there doesn’t seem
to be any point to getting upset about it. As I show in
Chapter 15
, we can use the arousal generated by other women to better our sex lives with our partners.

Studies of sexual fantasies have found a wide variety of presentations. There are some differences between men and women in the types of fantasies they have most often. As you might expect, men more frequently imagine sex with strangers, sex with more than one person, and forcing a woman to have sex with them. Women more frequently imagine romantic settings and being forced to have sex. There is no basis for saying that any of these fantasies is abnormal or unhealthy.

There is an enormous range regarding the frequency of sexual fantasizing, just as there is an enormous range regarding the frequency of any sexual behavior. Some men have sexual fantasies many times each day, while others can go for weeks without one. My experience is that people to whom sex is a priority have lots of sexual thoughts and fantasies. As long as the fantasizing isn’t interfering with your relationship, your work, and the normal chores of life, I can’t see how it is a problem.

Some couples find it very arousing to share fantasies. That is, the partners tell each other what they fantasize about, either when they’re actually having sex or at other times. These couples not only report increased excitement but also a feeling of greater closeness. As one man put it:

You might think it would make me jealous, hearing her fantasies about sex with other men. But it doesn’t. It makes for an incredible turn-on. It also makes for incredible love. I feel closer to her knowing that she trusts me enough to tell me these secrets, things she’s never told anyone else. Now I can also share some of my fantasies with her and that makes for even more closeness. I’ve never trusted any other woman that much.

Despite what I’ve said, don’t rush off to tell your partner your latest fantasy. While the sharing of fantasies can be wonderful for some couples, it is not without risk. Some women are not comfortable with such goings-on. They may feel hurt, insulted, rejected, or jealous if you report imagining sex with someone else. There are also your own feelings to consider. Would you really be comfortable hearing that your partner imagines sex with men more handsome, more muscular, with greater charm or more money or power than you? Realistically assess both your possible reactions and those of your partner before you conclude that sharing fantasies is a great idea. If you should decide to go ahead, do it gradually. Start with a
fantasy that is least threatening; for example, one that includes her or of having sex with the girl you first had sex with. Don’t get into the fantasies of sex with her best friend, or your neighbor, or with whips and chains, until you feel it’s reasonably safe to do so.

All in all, I think sexual fantasies are a natural, healthy, and pleasurable part of life. They’re free, readily available, and rarely have side effects that can’t be dealt with. It’s almost like you can’t not have them, so it makes sense to make yours as useful and enjoyable as possible.

THE QUESTION IS NOT IF IT’S “NORMAL,” BUT IF IT’S A PROBLEM

Although
normal
is basically a statistical term (what’s typical or average), in ordinary usage it has a judgmental and moralistic connotation. That is, there’s something wrong with you if you’re not doing what most other folks are doing. This connotation mainly serves to increase our anxiety and bad feelings and therefore makes clear thinking and productive decision making more difficult.

If what you want to do makes your life difficult or sets you and your partner at odds, then there’s a problem, regardless of how typical your action may be. The incidence of quick ejaculations among young men, for example, is so high that it could easily be considered normal or typical; we’re talking about millions of men here. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a problem for these men or their partners. Another example concerns the widespread practice of oral sex. If you want to go down on your partner or have her go down on you and she wants no part of either, that’s a problem regardless of how common these activities are.

Another example of a widespread practice that is a problem for some people concerns the use of alcohol and drugs in sex, especially among singles. It’s not unusual for singles to meet and mingle in bars and at parties where they ingest alcohol and other drugs. While I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with a social drink to help one relax, it often goes far beyond this. Drugs cloud the brain and often make for destructive sexual decisions resulting in bad feelings, unwanted conception, and disease. And heavy use of alcohol and other drugs over the long run can result in serious loss of sexual appetite and erectile ability. Just because a practice is so widespread that it could be considered normal doesn’t mean it’s healthy or wise.

There are several ways in which sex can be a problem.

If it’s illegal:
These days you’re not likely to get in trouble with the law about sexual acts done in private with consenting adults. But peeping into other people’s windows, exposing yourself, trying to force your attention on women who aren’t interested, and anything sexual with children can most certainly lead to the jailhouse. If you’re doing any of these things, then you definitely have a problem and should get competent help.

If it’s driven or compulsive:
Some men’s (and some women’s) sexual behavior is compulsive. That is, the man feels out of control; he has to fantasize about sex virtually all the time, has to masturbate or have sex with his partner twice each day, or has to have sex every time he can and doesn’t care who it’s with.

A man I saw some years ago felt he had to have sex three times each and every night with his partner. He didn’t feel he had any choice in the matter; he just had to do it. He had already lost several relationships because of this and was about to lose another. As the woman put it: “This is ridiculous. I’m so sore I can’t sit down, and I’m so tired I can’t stay awake at work.”

The trendy term
addiction
has recently been used to characterize such men. Although I have some problems with that term, there’s no doubt that compulsive sexual behavior exists and is a source of great suffering for those so afflicted. These men need good professional help.

If it gets in your way:
If you are consumed by sexual feelings, fantasies, or behaviors to the point where you can’t engage in the usual kinds of social intercourse or can’t focus on your work, that’s clearly a problem. There are cases where a man felt driven to masturbate five or more times a day. Aside from getting a sore penis, he’s also likely not to be able to do his work. The major problem for many of those men who feel their sexual behavior is compulsive or addictive is precisely that it gets in the way of getting on with the other important aspects of life.

If it creates problems with your partner:
If whatever you’re doing or not doing causes conflicts with your partner and harms your relationship, then obviously it’s a problem. This could be the situation when, for example, your partner very much wants you to go down on her but you consider such behavior unseemly or disgusting, or when she wants much longer foreplay than you feel is reasonable or even doable.

Another kind of difficulty that occurs in couples is when, for example, you
always
require a special something in order to get turned on. One
woman whose live-in lover could rarely get sexually aroused unless she wore spike heels said this: “It feels like he’s in love with the shoes, not with me. Given how he carries on about them, I think he should find a nice pair of shoes to marry.” I know of one couple where the man introduced bondage and dominance games early in the relationship. The woman didn’t mind, in fact thought them an interesting twist, but as time went on she got turned off completely when she realized the man couldn’t get aroused without these activities. She then felt that he was “sick and abnormal.”