The New Black (27 page)

“It was Kendra's idea. We saw it at the mall, and she was like, ‘Mommy, Mommy, we need that.'” Tracy shrugs and shakes her head. Her fingers go to the bruise on her cheek. She taps it rhythmically.

“Angels, huh,” I say to Kendra.

“They watch us all the time and keep us safe.”

“Who taught you that?”

“Leave me alone,” she snaps.

I walk into the kitchen with my empty beer can. Everything shines like it's brand-new. Our mother would wake up at four in the morning sometimes and pull every pot and pan we owned out of the cupboards and wash them. Dad called it her therapy, but that's bullshit. She'd be cursing under her breath as she scrubbed, and her eyes were full of rage.

Something is burning. I smell it. The fire must be closer than it seemed. I press my face to the window, trying to see the sky, while the girls laugh at another of Auntie Liz's jokes.

X

Ash drifts down like the lightest of snowfalls, disappearing as soon as it touches the ground. It sticks to the hood of a black Explorer, and more floats on the surface of the development's swimming pool where the girls are splashing with Liz. The sun forces woozy red light through the smoke, and it feels later than it is.

I tug at the crotch of my borrowed bathing suit, one thing Tony left behind. My sister sits beside me in a chaise, fully clothed. To hide more bruises, I bet. The rapist got her as she was leaving a restaurant. That's all she told me. In a parking garage. That's all I know. “I'm lucky he didn't kill me,” she said afterward. Her hand shakes when she adjusts her sunglasses; the pages of her magazine rattle.

“Come swim with us, Uncle Jack,” Kendra calls. She can paddle across the deep end by herself, while Cassie, wearing inflatable water wings, sits on the stairs, in up to her waist. I make a big production of gearing up for my cannonball, stopping short a number of times until they are screaming for me to jump, jump, jump.

We play Marco Polo and shark attack. I teach Kendra to dive off my shoulders, and she begs to do it again and again. Cassie, on the other hand, won't let me touch her. Liz bounces her up and down and drags her around making motorboat noises, but every time I approach, she has a fit and scrambles to get away. “You're so big,” Liz says, but I don't know. I'm not sure that's it.

A man unlocks the gate in the fence that surrounds the pool, and a little blond girl about Kendra's age squeezes past him and runs to the water, where she drops to all fours and dips in her hand.

“It's warm enough,” she shouts to the man, who smiles and waves at Tracy.

“Hey, whassup,” Tracy says.

She bends her legs so that he can sit on the end of her chaise. His hair is spiked with something greasy, and his T-shirt advertises a bar. I dive down to walk on my hands. When I come up, they are laughing together. He reaches into the pocket of his baggy shorts, and I swear I see him give Tracy money.

“Where are you going?” Liz asks as I paddle to the ladder.

“I want to swim, Daddy,” the blonde girl yells.

“Not right now,” the man answers without looking at her. He stands at my approach, smiles. A salesman. Maybe not for a living, but I've got him pegged. We shake hands professionally.

“The big brother,” he crows, jokey jokey. My sister should be more careful.

“Philip's going to paint my place,” Tracy says. “All I have to pay for is the materials.”

“Unless we get burned out,” he says.

She frowns and puts a finger to her lips, nodding toward the kids.

I scrub my hair with a towel and find that I'm sucking in my gut. It's sick. A flock of birds scatters across the smoky sky like a handful of gravel.

“You live in L.A.?” Philip says to me. “I'm sorry.”

A real tough guy, going for the dig right off the bat.

“I like the action,” I reply.

“I was down there for a while. Too crazy.”

“You have to know your way around.”

I adjust my chair, sit. Philip fingers the soul patch under his lower lip. I'm staring at him, he's staring at me. It could go either way.

“I. Want. To. Swim. Now,” Philip's daughter wails.

“Your mother'll be here any minute.”

The girl begins to cry. She stretches out face down on the pool deck and cuts loose.

“Go to it, Daddy,” Tracy says, giving Philip a playful kick.

He stands and rubs his eyes. “This fucking smoke.”

“Nice meeting you,” I say with a slight lift of my chin.

He walks over to his daughter and peels her off the concrete. She screams even louder. He has to carry her through the gate.

“He know what happened?” I ask Tracy.

“What do you mean?”

I stare at her over the top of my sunglasses. After a few seconds she says, “I told him I was in a car wreck.”

“So he's not like a friend friend?”

“Hey, really, okay?” she warns.

I throw up my hands to say forget it. She's right. I don't know what I'm doing, all of a sudden muscling into her life. The girls are calling for me again. I run to the edge of the pool and dive in, determined to get Cassie to play sea horse with me.

X

The kids turn up their noses at the cabbage rolls, so Tracy boils a couple of hot dogs for them. She's more accommodating than our parents were. Seems like a terrible waste of time now, the battles fought over liver and broccoli and pickled beets. And what about when Dad tried to force a lamb chop past my teeth, his other hand gripping my throat? Somehow that became a funny story, one retold at every family gathering to much laughter. Nobody ever noticed that I would leave the room so cramped with anger that it hurt to breathe.

Tracy pushes food from one side of her plate to the other as she talks about her job. She manages a Supercuts in a nasty part of town. The owner is buying a new franchise in Poway, and she once promised Tracy that when she did, Tracy could go into partnership with her. Now, though, the woman is hemming and hawing. The deal is off.

“I turned that shop around. She used me,” Tracy says.

“Tough it out,” I advise. “Regroup, then sell yourself to her. You have to be undeniable.”

“Jack, I quit two weeks ago. I'm not going to take that kind of crap.”

“Well, well,” I say. “Man.”

“Sounds like it was time to move on,” Liz interjects.

“What I'd like to do is open my own salon.”

It's not that I don't understand her disappointment. I made it to sales manager once at a Toyota dealership, but they put me back out on the lot after less than a month, saying I wasn't cutthroat enough. The owner's son took my place, and it just about killed me to keep going in every day. We had debts though. We were in way over our heads. It was a shameful time, but I didn't crack. Two months later Sonny Boy went off to rehab, and I was back on top. A good couple of years rolled by after that.

While Liz and the girls clear the table, I follow Tracy onto the patio. She closes the sliding glass door and retrieves a pack of More menthols from its hiding place inside a birdhouse. Placing the elbow of her smoking arm into the palm of her other hand, she stands with her back to the door so the girls can't see her take a drag. It's a pose I remember from when we were kids, a skating rink pose. That's where she and her dirtbag crew hung out before they were old enough to drive. Barely 13, and rumor had it she was already screwing some high school cokehead. Guys called her a whore to my face.

The backyard is tiny, maybe fifteen by fifteen, no grass at all. A shoulder-high fence separates it from the neighbors' yards on all three sides. I can see right into the next unit: a Chinese guy on his couch, watching TV. The sound of a Padres game curls through his screen door. I tried to talk Tony out of buying this place, but he wouldn't listen. His deal was always that I was too negative. Now Tracy is stuck with thin walls and noisy plumbing.

“You guys are still the happy couple,” Tracy says. “Obviously.”

“Most of the time, sure.”

“The good part is you don't seem a thing like Mom and Dad.”

“We got lucky, I guess.”

Tracy's shoulders jerk. She turns her head and spits vomit into a potted plant. I'm not sure what to do. It would frighten her if I took her into my arms. We're not that kind of people. I'm sorry, but we're not. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and hits her cigarette again, then walks past me to stand against the fence, looking into the neighbor's yard so that I can't see her face. A gritty layer of ash covers everything now, and more is sifting down. The smell of smoke is stronger than ever.

“I still have some of the insurance money from the accident,” I say. “What if you take it? You should get that salon going as soon as possible.”

“Everything's up in the air,” Tracy replies. “Maybe I'll go back to school.”

“Use it for that then.”

“You've got it all figured out, huh?”

“Hey...”

“It's funny, that's all.”

She kneels to drink from a hose attached to a faucet at the edge of the patio. After the rape, she drove herself to the hospital. Nobody else in the family had that kind of fortitude. Our dad was a notorious hypochondriac.

Carrie slides the door open with great effort and says, “Mommy, what are you doing?”

“Watering the flowers,” Tracy replies.

X

We play Uno and Candyland with the girls, and then it's bedtime. Sundays are their father's, and he's picking them up early in the morning. Liz manages to get them upstairs without too much whining on the promise of a story. Tracy gathers the toys scattered about and tosses them into a wooden chest in the corner of the room while I go to the refrigerator for another beer.

“They love their Auntie Liz,” Tracy says.

I hope she means that in a nice way. I think she does.

There's a knock at the door. Tracy looks worried, so I stand behind her as she answers. The police officer on the porch gives us an official smile.

“Mr. and Mrs. Milano?”

“Ms. Milano. He's my brother.”

The cop scribbles on his clipboard. “Okay, well, we're out warning residents that they may be asked to evacuate if this fire swings around,” he says.

“Oh God,” Tracy sighs.

“Right now things are looking good, but you should be prepared just in case.”

“God fucking dammit.”

When the cop leaves, Tracy turns on the TV, but there are no special reports or live coverage. Liz comes downstairs, and I fill her in. She asks Tracy what she wants to pack, and Tracy says, “Nothing. None of it means anything to me.” It's embarrassing to hear her talk like that. Liz treats the comment as a joke, though, and soon the two of them are placing photo albums into a plastic trash bag.

I decide to venture toward the fire line to see if I can get more information. Liz insists on coming along. We drive down out of the condos to pick up a frontage road paralleling the freeway. There's an orange glow on the horizon, and we make for that. A new squeak in the car gets on my nerves. I feel around the dash, desperate to locate it, and things get a little out of control. I almost hit a guardrail because I'm not watching where I'm going.

“Dammit, Jack, pay attention,” Liz snaps. “Are you drunk?”

The road we're on descends into a dark, narrow canyon dotted with houses, the lights of which wink frantic messages through the trees. We hit bottom, then climb up the other side. As we crest the hill, the source of the glow is revealed to be a monstrous driving range lit by mercury vapor lamps. The golfers lined up at the tees swing mechanically. There is ash falling here, too, and the stink of smoke, but nobody's worried.

We pull over at a spot above the range and get out of the car to watch. It feels like something teenagers might do. Balls soar through the air and bounce in the dead grass. Liz drapes my arm across her shoulders. She really is great with those kids.

“Are you sure you don't want a baby?” I ask.

I watch her face. Nothing is going to get past me. When she wants to be blank, though, she's so blank. “I've got you,” she says.

“No, really.”

“Let's keep it simple. That's what I like about us.”

We made a decision a few years ago. Her childhood wasn't the greatest either. A gust of wind rattles the leaves of the eucalyptus trees behind us, and the shadows of the branches look like people fighting in the street. When I close my eyes for a second, my blood does something scary on its way through my heart.

X

Tommy Borchardt hanged himself in his garage after they gave half his accounts to a new hire. No note, no nothing. Three kids. That's what I wake up thinking about after tossing and turning all night, waiting for another knock at the door.

We're in the girls' room, in their little beds. They're sleeping with Tracy. On a shelf near the ceiling, beyond the kids' reach, sits a collection of porcelain dolls. The sun shining through the window lights up their eyes and peeks up their frilly dresses. Their hair looks so real, I finally have to stand and touch it. Liz coughs and rolls over. Her clothes are folded neatly on the floor. She was in a rock band in high school. I wish I could have seen that.

Downstairs, I find some news on TV and learn that the fire has changed course and is headed away from any structures. They believe it was started by lightning. Tracy's coffee maker is different from ours, but I figure it out. It's fun to poke around in her cupboard and see what kind of canned goods she buys.

The kids sneak up on me. I turn, and there they are. I ask if they want me to fix them breakfast, but Kendra says that's her job. She stands on a stool to reach the counter and pours two bowls of cereal. I still remember learning to cook bacon. As far as I was concerned, I was ready to live on my own after that. Kendra slices a banana with a butter knife. She won't even let me get the milk out of the refrigerator for her. Tracy shouts at them to hurry and eat, their dad will be waiting.