The Nervous System (32 page)

Always the same dream.

Iveta triggers something buried in my chest. Do I know her? I can't be sure. Perhaps she's standing in for someone, or something iconic.

Now, it's important to understand that I believe I have had certain aspects of my memory erased while laid up in D.C. What's more, I believe I had false memories implanted. I have no way to prove this, it just feels true. It's a gut thing. As a result, I look at my recollections or dreams with suspicion.

Regarding this dream. My therapist at Walter Reed, Dr. Rosita Lopez, framed it in this way: as I am unable to accept the loss of my wife and daughter while I was deployed, and as a manifestation of my then trendy Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I repeatedly visualize an imagined reenactment of the crime committed against my family.

In the view of Dr. Lopez, with her frumpy nylons, her clipboard, and her surreptitious glances at her wristwatch, my acceptance of the realities I face will bring these visions to a close, and banish the imagined assailant from my apprehension, forever.

What I failed to mention to Dr. Lopez is the fact that, should I force my gaze downward in the midst of this recurring brain-film, the imagined assailant is wearing my hands. And shoes.

_______________

Due to the 2/14 Occurrence(s), all available written information on any given subject is frozen in midsentence, a portal into the era known simply as “Before.” It's fascinating: all the signs of what was to come are right there in the details, this is a truth, despite the mind's desire to revise history through the prism of what is currently known.

Take this bit of trivia from 2011's
CIA World Factbook
:

Latvia's economy experienced GDP growth of more than 10 percent per year during 2006–07 but entered a severe recession in 2008 as a result of an unsustainable current account deficit and large debt exposure amid the softening world economy.

Unsustainable. Softening. What mild, bureaucratically vanilla terms. Words a citizen can acknowledge, shake her head at, what a shame, a tragedy; and continue shopping, working, bench-pressing, consuming, wasting, using, poisoning.

I shut the hardbound volume and return it carefully to my “active” stack, being sure to apply Purell
^TM
afterward.

This stack here? This is material that I keep on hand, relevant to my current situation. I find it informative, comforting, an aspect of my larger project: reorganizing the library's stock in accordance with the antiquated but deeply logical Decimal system.

Somebody's got to do it, man. The internal computer network here having fritzed out, it's nearly impossible to find what you're looking for.

But as I've said, dig: I have my own comprehensive System, the Decimal thing being a piece of the larger puzzle; and therefore I have structure. Otherwise: chaos.

Since I'm doing this on my own, it's slow going. A righteous chore. After four months I'm partway through 000, which is “computer science, information, and general works.”

The founding fathers of the Decimal system couldn't have know what a gargantuan amount of material would come to fall under this heading. Especially the subheading “computer science.” Jesus. And “general works”? Don't get me friggin started.

Reams of books, numbering in the thousands, stack Dr. Seuss style along the entire stretch of the left-hand wall of the Reading Room. This is my work to date. I reckon I have a year to go on 000, maybe more like two.

It's a safe bet: if the architects of this place knew that a colored man would remain its sole keeper, they would've had coronaries.

This hobby, if it can be called that, has given me an identity as well.

DA Rosenblatt dubbed yours truly “Dewey Decimal” based on my interests, and due to the fact that I can't remember my given name.

The DA says he has my birth records, Social Security card, etc. on file, but I don't want to see these documents, as I don't think I will recognize that person.

Prior to DD I was simply known as “The Librarian,” and older acquaintances tend to still call me this. I don't care; I answer to anything. But Dewey Decimal, it's starting to stick.

Tonight the library is dead, which is how I like it.

I crack open a pistachio, make sure it's clean, toss it in my mouth. Add to the bowl I have dedicated for pistachio shells. Every couple of days I disinfect them, and transfer the shells to a sealed baggie for future use. The Scattering of the Shells. I have my rituals, I have my habits.

Since upkeep of these landmarked buildings was transferred to the Parks Department, I don't think I've seen a single ranger, or whatever they call their agents. I'm not so sure there still is a Parks Department, come to think of it, not that it matters.

I assume they've got headquarters in the park, but nobody goes in there. I wonder about the Central Park Zoo, the clock with the animals. Idly I touch my key.

Apparently it's up to me to hold these halls down, which is my distinct honor. Sure, there are countless apartments and lofts, sitting empty and unused, up and down the canyons of Fifth Avenue, Madison, Broadway. Down in Tribeca, northwest to the Meatpacking District, uptown to Central Park West, spaces unclaimed and unprotected.

Some of these once housed the very wealthy, and are extremely opulent. I've seen them. You wouldn't have to be that ambitious to set yourself up in such a place, as many have; but I feel an obligation here.

When I returned to New York after my (illegal, mind you) detention at the Walter Reed Medical Center, then the National Institutes of Health outside Washington, D.C., this place is where I came to rebuild my head, like so many others before me, and I was welcomed.

Not by the staff; that's not what I mean. The very stairwells, the walls, the forests of literature enfolded me, said good to see you back, soldier. Here you'll find rest, and poetry.

In the bosom of the Reading Room I retrieve my kit, lay out my bedroll. Wonder where the mother and child got to, the ones with the hotplate. Wonder if I imagined them. Projected holograms.

Plug my razor into that outlet I noted earlier, find myself cracking a big grin as the blinking yellow charge light appears. Fantastic.

Before sleep, I take a pill and remove my Beretta M9 from its cloth, clean it, load it, etc. The gun feels like an old pair of jeans, conformed to my hands alone. Hands that I now clean as well.

Starting to feel like I'd better be wearing the weapon. Better to have and not need than to be caught out naked.

 

 

 

End of Excerpt

Order
The Dewey Decimal System
Today.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nathan Larson is best known as an award-winning film music composer, having created the scores for over thirty movies, such as
Boys Don't Cry, Dirty Pretty Things,
and
Margin Call.
His highly acclaimed debut novel,
The Dewey Decimal System,
was published in the spring of 2011. In the ‘90s, he was the lead guitarist for the influential prog-punk outfit Shudder to Think. Larson lives in Harlem, New York City, with his wife and son.

*PMA:
Positive Mental Attitude. Ref.: rock group the Bad Brains, song “Attitude,” released 1978. MUS 782.42 Library of Congress.