The Moth Snowstorm: Nature and Joy (2 page)

So it might have been with her, for the doctors who treated her were equally perplexed and were unable to offer her anything other than electro-convulsive therapy, high-voltage shocks to the head, before each session of which she thought she would die; but after several weeks, one day, just like that, a particularly perspicacious psychiatrist suddenly grasped it, and made an opening into her anguished spirit that paved the way for her eventual recovery (circumstances I discovered forty-one years later when I contacted the hospital and found that, miraculously, they still held her notes, which they released to me).

Thus, after nearly three months, Norah came back; but when she had gone away, in the August, our family life had been blown to bits. My father could not hold it together; he was a distant, irritated figure, impatient with John and me, and anyway he was still away at sea, so Mary took us in charge. She sold our house – she sold our house! – took us into her home in Bebington, a nearby suburb, and offered us kindness, but the damage was done. John’s stability was destroyed. Decades afterwards I met the woman who had been his teacher, Miss Dowling, and she told me that when he came into the class that September he would sit staring ahead and bending wooden rulers between his hands until they broke, one after another – he was eight years old – and she said she told the class, we all have to be kind to John and not make fun of him, because he is very upset because his mum has gone away. From then on his instability was life-long and meant that he struggled to cope with all aspects of existence (apart from the piano keyboard, at which he was in charge). He had paid the price for understanding. Not rationally. Nobody understood rationally what had happened to Norah, no one at all, until her hospital notes reached me half a lifetime later. But John, a sensitive boy that little bit older, had understood it fully with his emotions; he felt what she was going through and defended her fiercely against the wallowing, helpless, uncomprehending adults, and the knowledge was more than he could bear.

I was worse than uncomprehending; I was indifferent. At seven years old, I was not in the least bit concerned that I had lost my mother. How bizarre that seems, written down. Many years on, when I began to talk about it, to try to sort it all out, I learned that this was a Coping Strategy. Golly, I thought. Did I have a Coping Strategy? All I remember having is nothing. Being not bothered, not in the slightest, that she had gone away with no promise of return; and this attitude slumbered inside me through childhood, adolescence and long into manhood, until my mother died, my mother with whom I had by now built bridges and come to adore before all others, and I found that I could not mourn her. Just as I had been indifferent when she first went away, I found to my consternation that I was indifferent now when she went away for ever – and the life I had blithely put together on top of the gaping cracks, pretending they were not there, began to unravel, and I set out on the long road to somewhere else.

But in August 1954 there was no difficulty. There was no emotion. John found it difficult in the extreme, he was upset daily, he screamed out loud, but for me there was nothing, it was as if my soul had been ironed flat on a board, with not a ripple or a wrinkle in it, when we took up residence with Mary and Gordon. They lived in a short cul-de-sac called Sunny Bank, and as it was suburban, it was considerably greener than our Birkenhead terrace; the houses had front gardens, and in one of them, two doors away, hanging over the wall, was a buddleia.

There are plants famed for their healing properties and plants notorious as poisons, and others familiar because we consume them and some because we use their fibres, but there are not many specifically known for being powerful attractants of one kind of wildlife. Yet such is
Buddleia davidii
, discovered in the mountains of China in 1869 by the wandering French Jesuit-naturalist Père David (he who introduced to Europe, among much other exotic wildlife including the deer that bears his
name, the first giant panda); and I stumbled upon this property of the plant when on a bright morning, soon after we arrived, I ran out of the house into Sunny Bank to play and encountered the tall bush covered in jewels, jewels as big as my seven-year-old hand, jewels flashing dazzling colour combinations: scarlet and black, maroon and yellow, pink and white, orange and turquoise. The buddleia was crawling with butterflies. They were mainly the nymphalid quartet of late summer in England, red admirals, peacocks, small tortoiseshells and painted ladies, the ones which take on fuel in August to hibernate or migrate for the winter – the gaudiest of all the British Lepidoptera, bumping into each other on the plump purple flower spikes in their greedy quest for nectar.

I gazed up at them. I was mesmerised. My eyes caressed their colours like a hand stroking a kitten. How could there be such living gems? And every morning in that hot but fading summer, as my mother suffered silently and my brother cried out, I ran to check on them, never tiring of watching these free-flying spirits with wings as bright as flags which the buddleia seemed miraculously to tame, to keep from visiting other flowers, to enslave on its own blooms by its nectar’s unfathomable power. I could smell it myself, honey-sweet, but with the faintest hint of a sour edge. Drawing them in, the wondrous visitants. Wondrous? Electrifying, they were. Filling the space where my feelings should have been. And so, through this singular window, when I was a skinny kid in short pants, butterflies entered my soul.

•

That we might love the natural world, as opposed to being wary of it, or instinctively conscious of its utility, may be thought of as a commonplace; but over the years it has increasingly
seemed to me a remarkable phenomenon. For after all, it is only our background, our context, the milieu from which, like all other creatures, we have emerged. Why should it evoke in us any emotion beyond those, such as fear and hunger, that are needed for survival? Can an otter love its river? And yet it is the case, that the natural world can offer us more than the means to survive, on the one hand, or mortal risks to be avoided, on the other: it can offer us joy.

Although I strongly feel that this is one of the greatest things in our lives – never more important than now – it seems quite mysterious in its origins, and certainly in the force it can exercise. To be able to be swept up, carried away, by an aspect of nature such as butterflies; tell me, is that something in nature itself, or is it something in us? Once, Christianity offered a ready explanation: our joy in the beauty and life of the earth was our joy in the divine work of its creator. But as Christianity fades, the undeniable fact that the natural world can spark love in us becomes more of an enigma.

You can see far more easily why it engenders some other powerful emotions, with, for example, the big beasts. The first big beast I ever saw in the wild was a black rhino, in Namibia. It was about a hundred yards away, a ton of double-horned power glaring straight at me with nothing but low scrub between us; and although I knew it had poor eyesight, it was twitching its ultra-sensitive ears like revolving radar antennae, trying to pick me up and draw a bead on me, and I was transfixed: my heart pounded, my mouth dried, I looked around for shelter. But if I was afraid, there was a stronger and stranger feeling coursing through me. I felt in every way more alive. I felt as alive as I had ever been.

The next day I saw an African buffalo for the first time, a great black mass of menace which made me even more nervous than the rhino had, yet I experienced precisely the same sensation: mixed in with the anxiety, with the fear of being killed,
and buffalos will kill you, was the feeling in the animal’s proximity of living more intensely, of somehow living almost at another level. And when later that day in a dry riverbed I saw, close to, my first wild elephant, the most dangerous of them all, I felt again, intermingled with the wariness, something akin to passion.

They are surely very old, these feelings. They are lodged deep in our tissues and emerge to surprise us. For we forget our origins; in our towns and cities, staring into our screens, we need constantly reminding that we have been operators of computers for a single generation and workers in neon-lit offices for three or four, but we were farmers for five hundred generations, and before that hunter-gatherers for perhaps fifty thousand or more, living with the natural world as part of it as we evolved, and the legacy cannot be done away with.

It is to those fifty thousand generations that our fascination with the big beasts harks back; their magnificence triggers an awe in us, the still surviving awe of our ancestors who pursued them, full of fear and hope, piously painting their images on the walls of caves. On the rock faces of Lascaux and Chauvet, where the fear and hope coalesce into worship, we have astonishing insights into a world of long-gone people whose lives revolved around dangerous animals and their slaughter, and who must therefore have lived, with mortality ever present, at that elevated and passionate level we still sense when we come up against the great beasts ourselves, in their natural surroundings.

Yet a stray thought plays about my mind, haunts its corners, refuses to leave: it must also be the case that the hunter-gatherers saw butterflies. Were they indifferent? All of them? Even to swallowtails? Somehow I doubt it. I think the point must have arrived where such unlikely, brilliant beings could not but register with observers, even those obsessed with survival and violence and death – that a moment must have come in prehistory when someone, for the very first time, waited for a swallowtail to
settle, the better to look on it, and then marvelled at what was there in front of them.

•

Childhood does not conform to a pattern, though we tend to assume it does. We have templates in our minds for human lives, how they should begin, come to maturity, and end; in short, how they should play out; and often we try to make sense of our own experience by aligning it with one template or another, and seeing how far it differs or corresponds. Yet in reality, of course, the forms of our experience are infinite.

I have lived most of my life now. I have been fortunate in learning to repair a fair amount of the damage of the early years, and maybe even more important, in learning to live in peace alongside what could not be repaired: I said to John once, as we came out of another tense Monday morning session of untangling ancient anguishes, the Greeks gave us politics, and history, and the theatre, but they never managed to come up with family therapy, and he smiled and agreed. And this idea of living in peace alongside abnormality is perhaps what has allowed me to accept the strange circumstance, that it was in a time of turmoil, involving great unhappiness, that I first became attached to nature; that while my boyhood bond with my mother was being rent asunder, I was preoccupied with insects.

For I do accept it; I was seven, and not to be blamed, and besides, the allure of butterflies has worked its charm on far more significant minds than mine, although I would say, perhaps not on all that many minds more susceptible at a given moment: having shut out what was really happening, my spirit was an empty tablet, open to impressions, and the scarlet and black of the red admiral painted themselves on it indelibly, as did the brilliant colours of its cousins. I was gripped by a fervent enthusiasm;
I babbled to Mary of it, and she obligingly bought me
The Observer’s Book of Butterflies
as part of her campaign to be accepted as mother substitute. (‘There’ll be lots of treats!’ she had announced as she scooped us up and carried us off.)

Turning its old-fashioned pages, while my real mother was somewhere else, I didn’t know where, I began to marvel even more at pictures of species I could only dream about, some of them not only magnificent in appearance but possessed of awe-inspiring names: The Duke of Burgundy! The purple emperor! The Queen of Spain fritillary! O brave new world, that hath such creatures in it! And over the following weeks and months this enthusiasm flourished and deepened, even though it was a year of trauma, for in October, after the one perceptive doctor had made it possible, Norah left hospital, well enough to leave, but by no means properly well, and came to live with us all in Sunny Bank until we could once more acquire a house of our own.

This was something Mary hadn’t bargained for. She had thought her sister gone for good. (Probably most people had.) She was perfectly prepared, perhaps even secretly delighted, to take on two young boys, an instant family of her own; but the new situation, which in effect meant sharing her home with a separate family that was now badly disturbed, was a quite different prospect, albeit one she was obliged to accept. She had sold our house, after all.

For her part, Norah, who had the most sensitive of spirits and was in no way robust, had not only been plunged into purgatory by her original ailment, but had been profoundly shocked by the experience itself of being incarcerated and deprived of her children. (She told me many years later that she thought she would never see us again, and the only solace she found was in the two anguished sonnets of Gerard Manley Hopkins, the ones which begin ‘No worst, there is none’ and ‘I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day’, because at least they
showed her that others had been in the place where she now found herself, and had survived.) Her equilibrium was shattered, and when she came out she was fearful and suspicious, believing people were talking about her in the street. (Perhaps they were.) Most difficult of all was to return, not to the care of a loving husband – he was off in the North Atlantic somewhere, dining at the captain’s table – but to go as a lodger to the house of a sister who, she might well think in her very unsettled state, had tried to steal her children.

The dynamics were explosive. Forced together, Mary and Norah were at each other’s throats. It was a year filled with shouting, with tormented quarrels and upset which drove John frantic with distress. I can remember flashes of it. I can remember Norah trying to push Mary on the stairs with a strange look on her face, and Gordon screaming at her
Something something, Sister!
But once again it all washed over me: coping strategy or whatever it was, what concerned me was the Butterfly Farm in Bexley, Kent, of L. Hugh Newman, Esq. – the curious caprice of the initial in front of the name somehow adding to its mystique – which would supply you with caterpillars of the most splendid British butterflies you could wish for, to be nursed into metamorphosis in your own home. In his catalogue, Mr Newman referred to the caterpillars and adult butterflies he sold as ‘livestock’, something else I found curiously engaging, and as the spring of 1955 came into view I sent off my five-shilling postal order for some livestock and duly received a cardboard tube containing two purple emperor caterpillars on a branch of sallow, their food plant. They died before their metamorphosis could take place. So did a second pair. I was clearly doing something wrong. But it wasn’t for lack of ardour. Butterflies had indeed entered my soul. They were beings I felt intensely bound to – I could have described to you, then, the row of tiny turquoise crescents on the lower edges of the wings of the small tortoiseshell – and I suppose I might have gone on to
become a lifelong butterfly obsessive, narrowly and compulsively preoccupied to the exclusion of all else, like Frederick Clegg in John Fowles’
The Collector
, had not my mother shown me the way to a wider world.