The Moment Keeper (25 page)

Olivia can’t believe her ears. She isn’t sure what she expected exactly but she knows it wasn’t the love and understanding and support her mom is giving her.

“Will you hold me, Mom?” she asks.

Elizabeth slips her arm around Olivia and Olivia buries her face into her mom’s chest once again and they stay like that – for a long time.

Watching Elizabeth hold Olivia reminds me that no matter how old we are or how independent we think we’ve become, when we’re sick or in trouble or things aren’t going as we had planned it’s usually our mom that we want most. In my case, it was my grandma.

I wonder if Grandma would have reacted the way Elizabeth did if I had told her I was pregnant. I wonder if I would have chosen a different path if I had told Grandma and she had reacted like Elizabeth. And if Grandma wasn’t sick, would things have been different? I have so many questions now that I didn’t have then. Then, I felt like Olivia. I thought my life was over. I had lost Grandma. I had lost Bryan. I had no friends, no family – no one. I was all alone in a world that had never been kind to me, except for the parts that Grandma made so.

That was when I remembered Matt’s hunting gun. The one Gram kept in her closet. The one she had planned to get rid, just never got around to it.

I had never fired a gun. Wasn’t even sure how to put it together. But I figured it out. I thought about my death. I wanted to die but I wanted my baby to live. I thought that if I did it just right and timed it just right, I could accomplish both. So I called 911 and reported a shooting. I waited until the paramedics arrived and just as they walked into the bathroom I pulled the trigger.

The garage door opens and Daisy jumps off the couch, barks and runs to the back door. She knows the sound of Tom’s car pulling into the garage and waits for him by the door that leads to the garage. Her barking wakes up Elizabeth and Olivia.

Olivia sits up; her left eye and thumb are twitching. “I’m afraid to tell Dad.”

“I’ll be with you. And I think Dad and I have some things we ought to tell you, things we’ve been waiting until you were old enough to understand. Now seems like the right time.”

Elizabeth’s remarks puzzle Olivia. She has no clue what her mother is talking about.

As Tom walks into the kitchen he sees what’s left of the mess. Elizabeth and Olivia walk in.

“You two look like you just woke up.” He nods at the broken glass and mayonnaise. “What happened?”

“Stupid me dropped a jar of mayonnaise and, well, Libby and I had to talk so I didn’t get it all cleaned up.”

“Talk?” Tom looks at Elizabeth, then Olivia. “Must have been important.”

“It was,” Elizabeth says.

“Do I get to know, or is it mother/daughter stuff?”

Elizabeth looks at Olivia. “It’s family stuff, but let’s clean up this mess before Daisy drags mayonnaise all over the house.”

Tom gets the sweeper to pick up the glass and Olivia gets the mop and bucket. Elizabeth wipes off the cabinets and counter. When they’re done they go into the living room.

“Everything all right, Liz? You two are scaring me.”

Elizabeth looks at Olivia and nods.

Olivia wants to be the one to tell her dad but every time she tries to speak, the words get tangled on her tongue and she can’t untangle them and get them to come out.

Tom looks at her. His dark eyes search her green for some kind of hint. “What’s wrong, Lib? You can tell me. You know you can tell me anything.”

“And you won’t hate me?”

“Hate you? Never. I love you. Now what’s all this about?”

The floodgates open and Tom sits on the leather chair as he’s hit by an avalanche of words he never saw coming. As the words gather speed they roll over him, burying him in a blanket of disappointment so thick he can barely move.

“And we only did it one time but I got pregnant just from that one time and I really wish I could go back and make another choice but I can’t and I don’t want you to hate me but you probably do and I wouldn’t blame you if you did because I screwed up your and mom’s life and—”

“Stop!” Tom stands and walks over to where Olivia sits and squeezes in beside her. He hugs her as tightly as he can without hurting her and she collapses into his thick arms. Tears zig-zag down Tom’s cheeks and he glances at Elizabeth, who’s sitting on the other side of Olivia. She’s crying, too.

“Look, Lib,” says Tom, kissing the top of her head. “I love you. Yes. I’m not happy. A part of me is mad as hell. If Cole were here I’d probably have him up against that wall.” He nods at the wall.

“But it’s not just Cole’s fault,” Olivia says. “It’s mine, too.”

Tom sighs. “Yeah. I know. But I’m still mad at him. I can’t help it. But you both were stupid, really stupid. How many times have we talked about this? How many times have we told you that if and when you were ready for this kind of thing that you’d come talk to us?”

“I know,” Olivia sobs. “I screwed up and I’m sorry.”

Tom looks at Elizabeth. “But I love you and your mom and I will help you get through this. It’s not going to be easy, but we’ll work things out.”

“I think it’s probably time to tell Olivia about her birth,” Elizabeth says. “And I think we should give her the stuff her mother left her.”

Tom runs his fingers through his graying hair. “Look, Liz. I’m just not sure if now’s the right time.”

Elizabeth clears her throat. “Olivia told me that she thought about killing herself. She was so worried about hurting and embarrassing us that she didn’t know what else to do.”

Tom’s eyes widen. “Is that true, Lib? That thought actually crossed your mind?”

Olivia nods. “I didn’t think you and Mom would want me anymore.”

“Want you?” Tom hugs her again. “We love you, Lib. Not because you’re a great dancer or because you get good grades but because you’re you. Don’t you know that life is too precious to ever think that way? I’ve spent my entire life trying to save people. I saved you.”

Olivia doesn’t quite understand what her dad means by saving her. If he means he saved her by adopting her, providing her with a good home and a loving family. Or if he means he physically saved her and she was just too young to remember it. Since she’s allergic to bee stings, she figures it was probably the first time she got stung, before they knew how deadly a bee sting could be to her.

As I watch this moment unfold, I’m struck by the deep love they have for one another. And I think about Olivia’s birth mother and wonder if she knows what an incredible daughter she had. I wonder where she is now, what became of her and if she somehow knows that her daughter was blessed with this wonderful family.

Like Olivia’s birth mother, I left some things for my baby. One of the things was a letter I had written the night before I killed myself. I was never good at expressing myself, and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to put into words what I felt. I wanted my baby to know how sorry I was for not being strong enough and how sorry I was that I would not be around to see him grow up. I always wondered about that letter and about the forgiveness I had asked for.

“What about Cole?” Tom asks. “How’s he dealing with all this?”

Olivia sighs. “Not well. At first, he was all supportive but then his parents started planning college visits and he started to freak out. And we had a big fight, the worst ever, and I’ve
pretty much ignored him since.”

“Do you love him?” Tom asks.

Olivia nods. “But I know that we’re young and that we screwed up.”

“Does Cole want to go to college?” Tom asks.

Olivia nods again. “Yeah, but I guess now he thinks he can’t.”

“What do you want?”

Olivia looks down at the floor. She’s been thinking about this since she learned she was pregnant. Her mind’s been on overdrive. Giving the baby up for adoption is an option she’s considered, but she just can’t bring herself to do that. Still, she knows she needs help and wants Cole to go to school and would still like to go to school herself. Maybe be a dance teacher, open her own studio one day. So she tells her parents all of this and waits for their reaction.

Tom looks at Elizabeth and she gives him a nod of approval. They’ve been together so long that she knows what he’s thinking and agrees with what he’s going to say.

“If you let us, your mom and I will raise the baby. You’ll always be his or her mother, but we’ll help to provide a loving home, one that will allow you and Cole to continue your education. That is, if that’s OK with you and, of course, Cole.”

Olivia’s eyes are as big and bright as headlights. Again, the words get tangled on her tongue and she can’t get them untangled enough to make them come out straight.

“You don’t have to say anything now,” Tom says. “Course we’ll have to talk to Cole, too. And there’s something else I want you to know about. Something important I’ve been waiting your whole life to share with you. It’s about the day you were born.”

Tom looks at Elizabeth and she leaves and returns with a plastic, brown storage bin. She pulls the leather hassock in front of the couch where Tom and Olivia sit and they join hands so that Olivia is holding both of her parents’ hands and Tom and Elizabeth are holding hands. A perfect triangle that will never be broken.

Tom clears his throat. “A day hasn’t passed that I haven’t thought about the day you were born. It plays over and over in my mind, every detail etched in my brain forever. You see, Lib, I was there. I delivered you.”

Olivia’s eyes pop. Never in a million years would she have guessed that her adoptive dad had actually delivered her.

Elizabeth squeezes Olivia’s hand and a tear sneaks out of the corner of Elizabeth’s eye, slides down her cheek and slips into her mouth.

“You know, Lib,” Tom says, “life can be crazy. Sometimes we’re put in a certain place at a certain time for a certain reason and we just don’t see the why right away. That’s what happened to me the day you were born. I had finished working at the hospital and decided to take the long way home, something I had never done before. I was always in a hurry to get home to your mom, but on this particular day, for some odd reason, I had an urge to take the longer route. On my way home, I saw an ambulance pull in front of an apartment building and I had this feeling that I should stop, see if I could help. But I ignored the thought because I wanted to get home to your mom. And just as I passed the ambulance, the car radio, which was turned off, screamed in my ears. The windshield wipers, also turned off, flicked as fast as they could. The four-way blinkers started to flash and the horn sounded. I’ve never been a real praying man, but I knew the guy upstairs was trying to get my attention. So I pulled over
and ran as fast as I could up the street to where the ambulance was parked. I sprinted up the steps and entered the apartment a few steps behind the paramedics.”

Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! This can’t be happening. This can’t be for real. I remember that day. This is my death. This is my moment. And Tom’s moment. And Olivia’s moment. I feel like I’m going to suffocate. I never saw this coming. Never. I knew there were three men, but I never got a good look at the guy standing behind the paramedics; he arrived a few seconds after the paramedics got there.

I was in the bathroom, holding the gun I found in Gram’s closet, the one she never got around to getting rid of. I yelled for the paramedics to come into the bathroom and when they came around the corner and opened the door, I told them that I was pregnant, and to please save my baby. Then I pulled the trigger and thudded to the floor, sinking in a pool of blood.

“So what happened?” Olivia asks, tears streaking her face once again.

“Are you sure you want to hear this?” Tom asks.

Olivia nods.

“The girl called out that she was in the bathroom. When we got there, she said that she was pregnant. She asked us to save her baby. Then she shot herself and fell to the floor. I’ll never forget there was an Ace of Hearts lying in the pool of blood. I pushed through the paramedics, told them that I was a doctor and that I could perform a C-section. And I did. I got you out of your mother’s womb as quickly as I could. Your mother didn’t live long enough to hear your cry.”

Tom and Elizabeth and Olivia are crying, no longer holding hands but hugging one another all at once.

I can’t move. I can’t begin to explain what I’m feeling. To realize that the child I have been keeping moments for this entire time was my baby. To realize how close Olivia was to making the same mistake I had made but by the grace of God was saved by a loving and supportive family, the kind of family I had prayed my child would find. And I thank the matchmaker for assigning me to Olivia, for allowing me to be a part of her life and for giving me the peace I never had while living.

I’m so overwhelmed that while I keep recording this moment I can’t help but remember all the others that preceded it. They wash over me, from the day Olivia was named to the day she gave herself to Cole. And then I notice, really notice, how much we look like one another. I hadn’t seen it before, probably because I wasn’t looking for it. And probably because I always envisioned that my baby was a boy and that he looked like Bryan. But now I see it so
clearly that I don’t know why it took an earthquake of a revelation to shake some sense into me. The blonde hair, green eyes and dimples – just like me.

“There’s more,” Elizabeth says. “Your dad found this.”

Elizabeth opens the brown bin and takes out a white shoe box with a size seven sticker on the side. “For my baby” is printed in black marker on top.

Olivia opens the box and takes out a letter – the letter I wrote. She reads it out loud.

Baby,

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry that I won’t be here to watch you grow up. Too many bad things happened to me that I could never explain in a letter, but I want you to know that you were not one of them. I loved your father. He was the only man I ever loved. I hope that if all goes as I’ve planned, you will live and have a wonderful life and be raised by a family who loves and cares for you in ways I never would have been able to. I could never be the mother you deserve or give you the life that you deserve. I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me.