The Missing (30 page)
Authors: Shiloh Walker
Tags: #Contemporary, #Romantic Suspense, #Romance Suspense
Her thighs ached, and deep inside, she felt raw and a little sore. Twelve years was a damn long time, she mused again. And Cullen hadn’t been gentle with her. She hadn’t wanted him to be. That greedy desperation eased the ache in her heart, even though it left her body stiff.
I’m never letting you go now, Taige.
Catching complete thoughts like that outside of a direct connection wasn’t normal for her. It was probably just the physical contact, the very close physical contact that had let her subconscious establish a strong enough connection for her to pick up on that one, clear thought. Just the one, nothing before and nothing since. She was aware of his fatigue, and she’d felt a distant echo from him as they made love.
Sex, Taige. Just sex,
she corrected herself. She’d felt the echo of his pleasure and the burn of need, but she wasn’t convinced of anything other than that he wanted her.
Catching complete thoughts like that outside of a direct connection wasn’t normal for her. It was probably just the physical contact, the very close physical contact that had let her subconscious establish a strong enough connection for her to pick up on that one, clear thought. Just the one, nothing before and nothing since. She was aware of his fatigue, and she’d felt a distant echo from him as they made love.
Sex, Taige. Just sex,
she corrected herself. She’d felt the echo of his pleasure and the burn of need, but she wasn’t convinced of anything other than that he wanted her.
A lot.
At least that was what she tried to tell herself. But those few words,
I’m never letting you go now, Taige,
had managed to undermine all the instincts that demanded she protect herself. Inside, she was in turmoil, practically at war with herself. Half of her demanded that she stop being so damn cynical and just see what happened with Cullen. The other half came back with,
Tried that route before, and he dumped me on my sorry ass and stomped all over my heart,
and that part wasn’t at all interested in turning said broken, trampled heart back over to him.
I’m never letting you go now, Taige,
had managed to undermine all the instincts that demanded she protect herself. Inside, she was in turmoil, practically at war with herself. Half of her demanded that she stop being so damn cynical and just see what happened with Cullen. The other half came back with,
Tried that route before, and he dumped me on my sorry ass and stomped all over my heart,
and that part wasn’t at all interested in turning said broken, trampled heart back over to him.
His breathing changed. It brushed over her flesh and made her shiver. Stirring, he lifted his head and stared at her out of bleary eyes. “Crushing you,” he muttered, his voice thick.
Taige smiled and slid her fingers through his tousled hair. “I’m fine.”
“Hmmmm.” Lowering his face, he trailed his tongue over her belly in an absent, erotic little pattern. “You’re not fine. You’re perfect. Delicious.” Pushing up on his elbow, he rolled his weight to the side, pressing up against the back of the couch. “You’re wet with me. I didn’t use a rubber.” His lashes drooped over his eyes, and he said, “Seems to be a bad habit with us.”
Taige shrugged and tried to dismiss what was clamoring for attention in her heart. Wouldn’t matter even if she did acknowledge it. Dreaming and yearning to have a baby of her own, somebody to love and cuddle and protect, was pointless, because it wasn’t going to happen.
“You’re too quiet,” Cullen said. His voice didn’t really change, but she heard something there nonetheless.
Looking up, she met his eyes. He watched her with a soft, loving gaze that made her want to scream. Stiffening, she tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her. “Don’t worry about it,” she said brusquely.
Heat shimmered through her, and she hissed when he pushed his finger inside her, stroking in and out of her pussy. “I’m not really worried,” he whispered, dipping his head to flick his tongue against her clit. “No matter what happened, I wouldn’t be worried.”
Squeezing her thighs together, she tried to pull back from his caressing hand. “Nothing will happen.” Her throat was closing up on her; she could feel it. Eyes blurry with tears, she reached down and grabbed his wrist, trying to pull him away. “Let me go.”
“Don’t look so scared, Taige.” He nuzzled her belly and spoke in a soft, cajoling voice. “You still love me. I still love you. If something happens, we’ll deal with it. God knows, I’d love to see you pregnant with my baby.”
Her laugh was bitter, so harsh it hurt her ears just to hear it. “It won’t ever happen, sugar. I can’t get pregnant.” This time, when she jerked away from him, he was surprised enough that she managed to pull free. She ended up on her ass by the couch, and too upset to even be embarrassed, all Taige did was shove to her feet and walk blindly in the direction of her room.
She didn’t even make it to the doorway when he stopped her, grabbing hold of her arm and trying to turn her around to look at him. When that didn’t work, he planted his body in front of her and caught her face between his hands. “What?” he asked hoarsely.
Blinking back the tears, Taige said, “Just let go of me, Cullen.”
“Not until you explain that.”
This was going to choke her. She knew it. She’d force the words out, and they’d lodge in her throat and choke her. “I got pregnant that day I came to see you when your mom died. I didn’t know about it.” Forcing the words out was about as easy as it would have been to regurgitate broken glass, and she figured it was every bit as painful. “I lost weight, was sick a lot, but figured I was just depressed. Then I collapsed at school. I was taken to the ER, and they found a tubal pregnancy, but it was too late. The tube had ruptured.” Mechanically, she recited the details, unaware that the tears had finally won the battle, and they fell unchecked down her cheeks.
Cullen lifted a hand to touch her, and she flinched away. “Don’t,” she said harshly.
“Have to,” he said, pulling her against him.
His hand rubbed in soothing circles over her bare back, but she held herself stiff in his arms, unable to relax, hardly able to breathe. He was quiet for a long while, and then, finally, he blew out a sigh. His arms tightened around her, and he murmured, “I’m sorry, Taige.”
She didn’t know what to say. Hell, what was there to say?
“Can you tell me about it?”
Woodenly, she said, “There’s not much to tell. The tube ruptured. The baby never had a chance.”
“And you? How were you?”
Alone.
But she kept that to herself. “I’m still around, aren’t I?” There was really no point in explaining that she’d nearly died. What good would that do either of them?
But she kept that to herself. “I’m still around, aren’t I?” There was really no point in explaining that she’d nearly died. What good would that do either of them?
He cupped her chin and forced her to look at him. “You’re not going to talk about it yet, are you?”
Taige averted her eyes. “There really isn’t that much to talk about, Cullen.”
“Yeah, there is.” He shifted, moving around so that he stood behind her, keeping one arm wrapped around her waist. The other hand he pressed to her belly. “I’m no doctor, but I remember anatomy well enough. There are two tubes; only one is gone.”
Reaching down, she caught his hand. “Yes. One is gone.” She guided his hand lower and laid it down flat against the scar low on her belly. That bullet had ripped through her abdomen, damaging the other ovary beyond repair. “On the other side, there’s no ovary, Cullen. A bullet saw to that. So it looks like you lucked out all around. You don’t need to worry about me getting knocked up, even if we spend the next ten years fucking like rabbits.”
Then she jerked away from him and stormed down the hallway.
LOOKS like you lucked out all around.
Cullen sat on the beach, feeling like he’d been wrung dry.
Going from an emotional high to an all-time low in the matter of minutes was hell. He thought that maybe he could have done the Iron Man triathlon and still not feel this worked over.
Taige had been pregnant. Nineteen years old, alone, and pregnant. He didn’t know jack shit about tubal pregnancies, but something about the way her face had looked when she talked about it made his gut knot inside. Then there were the tears that had rolled down her cheeks and the way she pressed a hand protectively to her belly as she murmured,
The baby never had a chance.
She’d wanted the baby. He knew that as well as he knew his own name.
The baby never had a chance.
She’d wanted the baby. He knew that as well as he knew his own name.
Fury gnawed nasty, ugly holes inside him. That faded, puckered scar low on her belly: he’d thought of the pain she must have gone through, and he thought of how easily she could have died, but he hadn’t known that whoever had shot her had robbed her. Robbed her of the chance to get pregnant.
And how much of this was his fault?
If he hadn’t thrown her out of his life that last day, he could have been there with her when she lost the baby. He wasn’t so impressed with himself to think that maybe if he’d been with her as he should have been, it never would have happened. But she’d been alone, and pregnant, because he was a selfish bastard.
It had been his words that pushed her into the career she chose. He didn’t give a damn what she said to the contrary, and he knew she had saved lives, done a lot of good for others. Because of what he’d said and done, because of how he’d acted, Taige had gone into a career that broke her heart regularly, that was dangerous, and that had taken away her chance at having a child.
He thought of Jillian, how she regularly broke his heart and how she regularly made him so damn proud, how he loved her so much it felt like his heart would explode from it. Then he thought of Taige, how protective she was, how fierce and how she loved with everything she had inside her. She would have been the kind of mother every child should have, and that had been stolen from her.
The sand muffled her footsteps, and Cullen didn’t realize she was standing behind him until she said, “Are you going to sit out here all afternoon and all night?”
Slanting a look at her over his shoulder, he shrugged. “Occurred to me.”
“Going to be hard to help me if you plan on spending the time counting the waves.”
“I’m sorry, Taige.”
Her eyes met his for a split second, and then she looked away. “For what? Counting waves?”
“You know what.”
Blowing out a ragged breath, Taige moved closer and sank gracefully to the ground. She kept a good two feet between them. “Don’t, Cullen. Okay? Just don’t. All of it is over and done with, and for the most part, I’m okay with it. I’ve got a lot of bad shit inside of me, and maybe this is God’s way of making sure I don’t pass it on.”
“That’s a load of crap,” Cullen said in a flat voice. “You don’t have a damn thing bad inside of you.”
“We’ll just have to disagree on that one.” She shrugged. “It’s something I’ve mostly dealt with, so just let it go.”
He could tell by the way she held herself that she wanted some distance, might have even needed it. But he needed to touch her. Rolling to his knees, Cullen crawled across the sand until he could kneel in front of her. Her hands felt cold under his. “I don’t know that I can let this go, Taige.” Cullen still couldn’t believe she’d been pregnant and that now she’d never be able to conceive a baby again. It just didn’t seem fair.
“Try,” she said grimly. Her eyes were stark and cool, the dull, leaden gray of a winter sky. Everything about her had gone cold and distant.
Apprehension gnawed at him, but then she twined her fingers with his. “Things are moving a little too fast for me right now, Cullen,” she murmured. Her gaze lowered, and her lashes shielded her eyes from him. “I know I threw a lot at you, but none of it is easy for me to talk about. I just can’t do it right now. I don’t even know which way is up. I need some time to level out.”
A sigh escaped him. Reaching up, he cupped her chin and lifted it so he could see her eyes. “This isn’t done, Taige.” Cullen stroked her lower lip with his thumb. He bent his head and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “We got enough going on right now, that’s for certain. But this isn’t done. And while you’re leveling out, there’s something you need to keep in mind. I meant every word I said before, when I told you that I still love you and that I want you back in my life.”
Cullen slanted his mouth over hers, cupping his hand over the back of her skull and holding her still. Under his mouth, she was soft and sweet. She sighed into his mouth, and when he slid a hand up her side and cupped her breast, she arched into him with a moan.
Urging her backward, he covered her body with his. Her hands slid under his shirt, her fingers cool and agile, stroking over the sensitive skin of his lower back and then dipping under the waistband of his jeans. “You certain you want to do this out here?” she murmured against his lips. “We’re going to get sand everywhere.”
“Is that your subtle way of telling me no?” Unconcerned about her answer, or the sand, he kissed his way down her throat, pausing at her pulse and licking the soft, satiny skin.
She laughed. It was a low, husky sound, and it warmed him inside. “If I was going to tell you no, I wouldn’t mess with being subtle.”
“So is that a yes?”
With gentle but insistent hands, she pushed against his shoulders. Reluctant, he pushed up onto his hands and knees and then slowly settled back on his haunches, staring at her. A small smile danced on her lips. Her hands went to the hem of her shirt, and Cullen felt his mouth go dry as she stripped her shirt away. Under it, she wore another plain bra of white cotton. The sight of that simple white against the golden glow of her skin was damned erotic. Her blue jeans shorts rode low on her hips. The bra and the shorts did little to conceal the scars on her body: the puckered, faded scar from where she’d been shot; a thin, shallow scar on the upper curve of her left breast. Her body was long, lean, and strong, thinner than it should be, and the sight of her was enough to lay him low. His sexy warrior. No, she wasn’t just a warrior, she was a warrior queen, and he felt like he should be on his hands and knees in worship.
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