The Ministry of SUITs (20 page)

“Oh, right … In that case it's almost certainly quite dead.”

“I would have thought so,” agreed Trudy.

“Enough talk about corpses; let's get you two down to the Ministry and bandaged up.” Grey led them away.

The three companions wandered through the museum. Much of it was wrecked. “They'll have to close the museum for a few days,” said Jack. “And people will ask questions about what happened.”

“Nonsense,” said Grey. “We have protocols for dealing with this kind of event.”

Grey walked over to a blue, Chinese-style vase that had been knocked off its pedestal and broken. He picked up the pieces and replaced them on the pedestal. Then he took a sleek black fountain pen out of his jacket pocket and started writing on the information card that was beside the exhibit.

Jack walked over to see what Grey had written. At the bottom of the information card he had added one simple sentence:
Vase damaged during excavation.

“Will that really fool people?” asked Jack skeptically.

“Think about it, Jack. Museums all over the world are filled with broken objects. The reason for this is simple. They're all Ministry buildings and they all get attacked occasionally.”

Jack laughed, then realized that Grey was serious.

“Think, Jack! How come they only show partial dinosaur skeletons? If you find a dinosaur skeleton, it should all be in one place. After the dinosaur died it will have fallen over and the flesh will have rotted away. So all the bones should be in one place, unless of course a giant dog came and stole a few … but most of the time all the bones should be in one place. And yet museums hardly ever have complete skeletons. Why? Because when enemies attack Ministry buildings the bones get stolen or destroyed.”

Almost all museums Jack had ever visited had broken or damaged exhibits. On a school trip to France when they had gone to see the Venus de Milo in the Louvre museum it had been missing its arms. At the time Jack had assumed that archaeologists hadn't found the arms, but on reflection he realized how ridiculous this was. Why would someone remove the arms from a statue and put them in a different place? The only explanation was that the arms had been damaged in an attack!

“… So the Venus de Milo…”

“Now you understand!” said Grey with a smile. “The Venus de Milo was damaged when a rogue group of golems attacked the Louvre, which houses the French Ministry.”

“Up until now I'd always thought that she got overenthusiastic about biting her nails.”

“No. That wasn't the case, Jack. That would be crazy.”

“I was just jok—”

Grey cut Jack off. “Anyway, we need to get downstairs. The cleaners will take care of all this.”

Even as Grey was speaking, a number of men and women in white overalls were scurrying around the museum, putting exhibits back in their place and adjusting the cards describing the artifacts.

Jack hurt all over and was keen to get down to the Ministry. He was sure that they would have some kind of amazing way to help heal his bruised flesh and aching bones.

MINISTRY
OF
S.U.I.T.S
HANDBOOK

ATTACKS ON MINISTRY SITES

T
HE
V
ENUS
DE
M
ILO
AND
THE
M
ONA
L
ISA

Many people think that the Venus de Milo is the most famous example of an artifact damaged in an attack on Ministry premises. But it isn't. The most famous example is a painting called the
Mona Lisa
. The
Mona Lisa
was attacked by a group of radical anarchists who stormed the French Ministry headquarters (called “Le Ministre,” unsurprisingly). Ironically they all got away because they were so well organized, which in some ways undermines their status as anarchists.

Obviously the group did not manage to steal the
Mona Lisa
. However, they did manage to steal her eyebrows. Many people think that the
Mona Lisa
has an enigmatic smile. That was not the original intention of the painting. It was meant to be of a woman who was surprised. But without the eyebrows it's impossible to tell.

The
Mona Lisa
was very surprised that her eyebrows were stolen, but without her eyebrows she had no way to express this.

 

30

BANDAGES ON MY LEGS AND ARMS

 

Although there wasn't a mirror in the Ministry's medical room Jack was sure he looked like an absolute idiot. He was sure of this because Trudy looked like an absolute idiot and they had both been patched up by the same nurse.

Bandages were loosely wound around their arms and legs, not because they necessarily needed bandages on their arms and legs, but simply because limbs were the easiest part of the body to bandage.
57
Their faces were covered in a variety of Band-Aids. Several of Jack's Band-Aids ran across his eyebrows and he was not looking forward to trying to take them off later.

“I was sort of expecting you to have some kind of wonderful medical procedure that would allow us to recover in an instant.”

Grey looked slightly offended at this suggestion. “Do you think if we had a magical medical cure we wouldn't share it with the rest of the world? We'd just keep it to ourselves so that we'd be okay while the rest of the world suffered? What kind of people would that make us?”

Jack frowned. “I hadn't thought about it that way. If you did that, it would have made you fairly awful people. Sorry.”

“Mmmm. I should think so.”

Trudy and Jack were sitting on two metal-framed beds. Originally Jack had tried lying down on his bed, but there was a sign placed on the ceiling above it. The sign read
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU PROBABLY AREN'T DEAD
. In some ways it was quite an encouraging thought, but the fact it said “probably” had unnerved Jack and he felt more comfortable sitting up.

The nurse that was looking after them seemed kind, but Jack had begun to doubt her ability after she had applied the third bandage to his wrist. There was something odd about her, although Jack was struggling to figure out what it was. A badge on her lapel read
Nurse Nufty
.

“That's you all fixed up, my lovelies. You'll be right as rain in three or four weeks.” Nurse Nufty smiled at them. “If you'll excuse me, I need to be getting on. Apparently Mr. Cthulhu has given himself a paper cut again, and you know what a big baby he is about things like that.”

Nurse Nufty bustled out of the room, leaving Grey, Trudy, and Jack alone. As she was leaving Jack figured out what was unusual about her.

“She has a foot on one of her arms!”

Grey shook his head. “No, she doesn't.”

“She does! I saw it.”

“I think you'll find that both her feet were on the ends of her legs. It's just that one of her legs is where one of her arms should be.”

Jack thought about this for a moment. “I'm not sure that makes a substantial difference. How did it happen?”

“Well, let me put it like this: If you think our nurses are incompetent, you should see our surgeons.”

Jack's eyes widened. “Right, so that's the Ministry healthcare. I don't suppose there's any way I could opt out and get private medical insurance.”

“Maybe one day, Jack. But in the meantime I'd suggest that if you lose any limbs in a fight, it's vitally important to remember to label them
before
the ambulance collects you.”

“Helpful hint. Thanks.”

Trudy sighed. “If you two have quite finished with your nonsense, maybe we can discuss something more important.”

“Like?” asked Grey.

“What were those creatures that attacked us in the museum?”

“Good question,” said Grey. “The old lady said they were made by an evil scientist, but I suspect they were something altogether more innocent.”

“Like martial artists in fancy dress?”

“Of course not, Jack. I think whoever is behind this has hired some werecreatures. A lot of evil people do. Werecreatures are nonunionized and so they work for minimum wage.”

“Werecreatures—like werewolves?”

“Exactly. The ones that looked like dogs, well, they were werewolves. The bluebottles were werebluebottles and the snake was a…”

“Weresnake?” guessed Trudy.

“So you did know what they were, then?” Grey said, clearly impressed.

“I didn't realize you could get all different kinds of wereanimals,” Jack said, raising his eyebrows in a manner that would have made the
Mona Lisa
jealous.

“Oh yes. All animals can have a ‘were' version.”

“So how do they get created, then?”

“It's a genetic disease thing. Don't ask me to explain it. It involves the gravitational pull of the moon and some kind of viral infection, I think. You have to be bitten on the first day of the new moon, though. Even then it doesn't always work.”

“I always thought that if all it took to become a werewolf was to get bitten by a wolf, there should be a lot more of them about,” said Trudy.

“Well, few people ever get the chance to wait for the next full moon to turn into a werewolf. After all, normally when you start getting bitten by a wolf, you finish off being eaten by a wolf. But there are lots of other werecreatures—weredogs, werehamsters, werebeetles, wereants … The list is endless. Wolves just tend to be the most frequently sighted. Also, some animals tend to bite people less often, so there are fewer werehamsters about, for instance. And the average werehamster is a lot less frightening than the average werewolf.”

“Why's that?”

“Well, a werewolf is half man, half wolf. It has the cunning and the intelligence of a man along with the strength, the speed, and the hunger for blood that possesses a wolf. Therefore a werewolf may well try and kill people. Werehamsters, however, have the characteristics of a hamster, so they tend not to crave the flesh of humans. A classic werewolf will wake up in the morning covered in blood and with no idea why. The classic werehamster wakes up to find his cheeks stuffed with nuts and kernels and wondering why his head is stuck in a toilet roll tube. The werewolf's life is one of horror, misery, and loneliness; a werehamster's is one of confusion. Of course they spend a lot of money on paper towels and toilet paper that they don't use properly.”

“I wish that we'd been attacked by werehamsters,” said Jack.

“That would have been easier,” agreed Grey. “They're especially easy to deal with during the winter months.”

“Why's that?” asked Trudy.

“Normally they hibernate. So that means on the new moon in winter the only way to recognize a werehamster is that they'll turn up slightly late for work.”

Jack laughed. “How come I've never seen a film about a werehamster?”

Grey turned to Jack. “If someone made a film called
Revenge of the Werehamster
, would you pay to see it?”
58

“Probably not.”

“Well, that's probably why the movie has never been made.”

“The werehamster seems like the dullest type of animal possible,” said Trudy.

“Maybe. Of course I did know a werebook once.”

“A werebook?” Trudy laughed.

“A werebook. A librarian was staying late, updating the microfiche during the new moon. He accidently gave himself a paper cut from a Delia Smith book. Ever since then he wakes up after the new moon with all sorts of practical and delicious recipe ideas. Anyway, enough about werecreatures. The Minister wants to see you both, so we'd better get a move on.”

“Great,” said Jack. “Now that we know Chapeau Noir Enterprises are up to something I'm sure the Minister will want to stop them.”

MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

BAND-AIDS

T
HE
B
EST
W
AY
TO
R
EMOVE
T
HEM

You will probably already have figured this out, but Band-Aids were clearly invented by an evil scientist.

No one but an evil scientist would invent something that goes over a cut, but then actually causes more pain when it is removed than the cut caused in the first place.

The easiest way to remove a Band-Aid is to go to a public swimming pool. For some reason the minute you jump into a swimming pool, the Band-Aid will come right off and spend the next few weeks floating around and freaking out everyone else who uses the pool.

*   *   *

There is only one totally painless way to remove a Band-Aid. Take it off someone else's skin.

 

31

A DEAL STRUCK

 

Grey left Jack and Trudy outside the Minister's office.

“Aren't you coming in with us?”

Grey shook his head. “We used a lot of bandages. I've got to go and fill out the paperwork.”

“Paperwork?”

“Ninety percent of Ministry work is paperwork. Nine percent is avoiding trying to do the paperwork.”

“And the remaining one percent?”

“Mostly trying to avoid getting killed.”

Jack knocked at the Minister's door.

“Come in!”

Jack and Trudy walked into the room to find that the Minister already had a guest. It was the strangest-looking guest that Trudy or Jack had ever seen.

“Ahh, Jack … Trudy. If you just want to sit down for a few minutes, I'll finish my conversation with this …
gentleman.
”

The “gentleman” to which the Minister was referring stood in front of the desk. He was a large, bulky man. Jack's father was six feet tall, but this man was considerably bigger than that. He was also very muscular, indeed, but not in the way that models in fashion magazines were muscular. A model's muscles are clearly defined and rippled. This man's muscles didn't ripple at all. Instead they bulged. He looked like a man who went to the gym to get stronger rather than to look good. He had a full head of hair and a rough brown beard. A long scar ran down one side of his face.