The Middle Child (6 page)

    
"When was the last time you ate?" Nikki asked, placing the water on the coffee table that separated the two sofas.  The one she sat on now had always been hers.  At times they had shared and cuddled up on both when they had been doing separate things this sofa had been hers.  She could almost feel the outline against the fabric that her body had sculpted during their two years together.

    
"I can’t think about food," Alex groaned as her stomach began to roll.

    
"I bet it’s been a while since you gave it a thought at all.  How long was this one?"

     Alex shrugged. 
"A couple of days."

    
"That’s not what Jay said."

    
"Then why fucking ask?" Alex exploded.  If Jay had already filled her in why was she getting the third degree?

    
"Because I wanted to see if you’d lie.  And you did.  Why?"

    
"I d..don’t know," Alex said, beginning to dither.  The heat inside the car had been close and suffocating but now her body began to react.

     Nikki went to the bedroom and returned with a patchwork quilt that she had made from scraps of material.  Alex had always loved that quilt because despite being a mismatch of fabric there was an order, a theme to it that was so Nikki. 

     Alex had always called it Nikki’s Worry Quilt.  She had only worked on it when she had things on her mind that she needed to think through.  Nikki draped it over her and pulled it up around her shoulders so that no skin was exposed. 

    
"Jay said that your mother died," Nikki said, as she turned up the heating.

     Alex shrugged. 
"So?"

    
"Is that all you have to say about it?"

    
"What do you want me to say?"

     Nikki sighed and smiled sadly. 
"You still won’t let me in, will you?"

    
"We’ve been through this," Alex said, reaching for her cigarettes. 

    
"But that’s the point, Alex, we never really went through anything, did we?"

     Alex drew on the cigarette, hating the fact that Nikki finished almost every sentence with a question. 
"You were the one who made an issue of it."

    
"Because we weren’t communicating.  You didn’t trust me enough to confide in me.  The only thing you ever said was that it was rough."

    
"I didn’t ask you to tell me everything about your childhood," Alex said.  She could almost recite the lines word for word.

    
"Because there was nothing to tell but I would have told you everything.  You wouldn’t even say if you had brothers or sisters.  We were together for two years and I didn’t even know that much about you."

    
"It wasn’t important."

    
"It was to me."

    
"Why?" Alex asked, meeting her gaze for the first time.  She was shocked at the love and concern she found staring back at her.  She looked away.

    
"Because I loved you," she said quietly.

     Alex noticed the use of the past tense and an inexplicable wave of panic coursed through her but what could she expect?  It had been six months since they had split.  Nikki had carried on with her life and Alex accepted that she was no longer the centre of it.  She also knew that it had been her choice.

     "And I loved you," Alex said, quietly.  For some reason it was important to her that Nikki knew that.

    
"As much as you could."

    
"Don’t demean what I felt for you," Alex raged.  It was something Nikki had said to her on the day of their final argument.  The one where they had both said things that they couldn’t unsay.  Things that no amount of apologising would ever erase.

    
"It’s true, Alex, whether you like it or not.  There are things that you need to work through and until you do you will be unable to give yourself properly to anyone."

    
"Glad to see the eight week psychology course paid off," Alex said, nastily.  She didn’t like the fact that Nikki felt that in some way she was unable to love properly.  That she was incomplete, somehow.  That she was damaged.

    
"I don’t need my psychology degree to see that.  Anyone who’s ever spent more than ten minutes with you would agree."  Nikki held her hands up to Alex’s protestations.  "What I’m trying to say is that I’m flattered.  I’m flattered that it was with me that you tried your hardest."

     Alex snorted derisively.  Why couldn’t Nikki accept that it just hadn’t worked out.  They’d had some good times but ultimately they were just not meant to be together.  It happened to couples all the time.  Why did she have to apply some deep and meaningful reason to the fact that they had just separated?

     "I’ll be back in a minute," Nikki said, heading off to the kitchen.

     Alex finished her cigarette and took a long drink of the water.  Her head was beginning to clear more every minute and she didn’t like it at all.  A wave of irritation rolled over her at Nikki’s attitude towards her.  Even when they’d been together Alex had despaired at Nikki’s constant level of well-being.

     She remembered the night they’d met in Jay’s club.  One glance at the woman with the golden hair had stopped her in her tracks.  Nikki wasn’t the sort of girl that Alex usually went for.  She was far too feminine and girly.  Hell, the woman even wore make-up. 

     She’d been dancing with a casual acquaintance with whom she’d hoped the night would end but the crowd had parted to reveal a tall, slim woman standing at the bar drinking a pint of lager.  Alex had been struck at how out of place it had looked.  The woman should have been holding the stem of a wine glass or sipping a daiquiri.  Corny as it was their eyes had met and the music, and her partner, had disappeared.  Nikki had stared back at her, a silent challenge in her eyes but Alex had refused the battle. 

     As her senses returned to her Alex realised she was probably part of a hen party frequenting the gay bars for the good music and a bit of a laugh.  Disgusted at the thought, Alex had headed for the other end of the bar and tried to push the memory of those piercing green eyes away. 

    
"You gonna ask me to dance or what?" the woman asked, sidling up beside her.

     Surprised at the advance Alex made a decision that she didn’t know would change her life.  She accepted the invitation and decided to give this straight girl a night to remember for trying to make a fool of her in front of her straight, girly friends.  She guided Nikki onto the dance floor and held her in a close embrace. 

     Her hands caressed Nikki’s back as her pelvis ground against Nikki’s.  Alex had been surprised to feel hardened nipples against her chest so she had turned up the heat.  Her hands wandered down to the small of Nikki’s back and lower.  She didn’t grab or clutch at Nikki’s buttocks but made slow, tantalising movements over the curve that led down to her leg, before bringing her hands round to rest on her hips.   

     Alex forced Nikki’s head up so that their eyes met.  She was expecting to find fear and uncertainty as the girl realised that the game had gone too far.  What she did see stunned her.  Nikki’s eyes were filled with desire and longing.  They danced some more and Alex knew that Nikki was hers.  It was something she could feel in the movement of their bodies together.  But Alex didn’t want a quick shag with this woman.  It felt wrong and she knew it.  Five minutes later Alex excused herself and went home.  She’d briefly considered trying to find her previous partner but she didn’t want hamburger.  She wanted steak but she wanted it cooked properly.

     A month later Alex moved her belongings into Nikki’s flat.

    
"Here, try and eat some of this," Nikki said, placing a dish on her legs.  Alex could smell the overpowering aroma of chicken soup. 

     She turned her head away. 
"I can’t, honestly."

    
"Alex, for once trust me.  Your body is reacting so badly to the alcohol because you’ve eaten nothing for days."

    
"But I feel…"

    
"Now you’re whining and sounding like a child," Nikki said, smiling.  "Just try a little bit and then I’ll stop nagging."

     Alex lifted the spoon to her mouth.  It was worth it just for that.  The soup was thick and creamy, strewn with pieces of chicken.  The first mouthful travelled down her throat and plummeted to her stomach with a resounding thud.  Alex tried to push it away but Nikki was quick to push it back. 
"Try some more.  It’s just your body reacting to food after having none for a while."

     Alex swallowed another mouthful, enjoying the taste on her tongue but hating the uncomfortable feeling of it falling into the oblivion of her empty stomach.  Mouthful by mouthful the sensation lessened until the last spoonful seemed to work it’s way through her intestines properly.

     "That was delicious," Alex admitted.  "Did you make it yourself?"

    
"Yeah, me and Campbells," Nikki chuckled, reaching for the dish.  She went to the kitchen and returned with the bowl re-filled.

     Alex groaned good-naturedly but now her system had been woken she felt ravenous.  She reached for the half French loaf and dipped it into the soup so that it was sodden and yellow. 

     "Sorry to see that your appetite is still suffering," Nikki said, taking the empty dish from her.

     Alex chuckled and lit a cigarette.  Nikki had always been able to make her laugh.  She had a dry, acerbic wit that often matched her own.  Some of their bantering sessions had lasted for hours, reducing them both to childish fits of laughter that had made them cry.

     Nikki disappeared to the kitchen once again and returned with two mugs of steaming hot chocolate. 

    
"Can you make it?" Nikki asked, with a smile.

     Alex tried to stand and found that although a little wobbly she could make it to the balcony.  Nikki followed with the mugs of hot chocolate and the blanket.  The reclining patio chairs stood as she remembered them.  Facing outwards towards the view of two rows of rooftops, yet the chairs were turned in to each other slightly.  Alex sat in the one that had been hers.  Nikki draped the blanket around her and handed her a mug of hot chocolate. 

     Nikki sat and they remained in silence as they had done hundreds of times before.  It had been part of their nightly ritual to come onto the balcony with either a whisky and lemonade or hot chocolate as dictated by the weather. 

    
"Do you remember some of the stuff we used to talk about out here?" Nikki asked.

     Alex nodded. 
"We’d discuss our evening out, the music, the food, the atmosphere.  Sometimes you’d tell me the events of your day."

    
"Sometimes you’d tell me about something you were working on.  An idea for a story or a character that you wanted to write about.  Your eyes would light up with excitement as though you’d suddenly uncovered a secret, hidden world." Nikki added, wistfully.

     Alex looked away.  Of all the things Nikki had done during their time together the most beautiful had been to reawaken in her a dream that had been murdered when she was eight years old. 

     One of her most vivid childhood memories played in her head as though she was watching it on stage.

    
"Did you get me some?" Alex had asked, hopefully, as Catherine placed her school bag beside the bed.  She inspected the outside to see if the shape gave her any clues.

     Catherine shook her head.  "I’m sorry, Alex, I couldn’t get any today.  Mrs Gibson didn’t leave the classroom for a minute.  I tried to sneak one out but she just wouldn’t go away."

     Alex was distraught.  She’d just used the last page that Catherine had got for her yesterday. 

     "Ooooh, Aleeeeex," Catherine called from the other end of the room.

     Alex turned to see her oldest sister waving two brand new exercise books in the air.

     Alex chuckled and lunged for the books but Catherine dodged expertly out of her way and Alex landed face down on the bed.

    
"You’re not having them," Catherine sang, as she climbed onto the top bunk.

   
"Give them to me," Alex cried, scaling the ladder.  Catherine jumped over the other side, landing with bended knees.

    
"Catch me and you can have them," Catherine teased heading back towards her own bed.

     Alex climbed back down the ladder, puffing with laughter. 
"Please, Catherine, give them to me," she begged, realising that her own chasing skills were far outweighed by those of her sister.

    
"No pain, no gain," Catherine cried, her eyes alight with amusement.

     Alex forced her face into a solemn expression. 
"Okay, have it your own way.  I’m not going to play this stupid game any longer," she said, pouting.  She headed for the door but at the last second changed direction and took Catherine by surprise.  They fell onto the bed, hysterical with laughter as they fought over the exercise books being held aloft by Catherine.  Alex reached and reached but couldn’t quite grasp the treasure.