The melody in our hearts (24 page)

Indeed, he had never again felt like he had felt on that October afternoon, yet he had felt that way in that dream.

The dream was so good, he didn’t want to wake up. He didn’t want to go back to that hectic routine. Yes, music was his life, it had always been his life, but he had never wanted it to take everything he had. He hardly ever saw his family, he didn’t have friends, as he never stayed long enough in one place to find new ones, and he had risked losing his best friend, as he was always too busy traveling around to find some time for her.

Okay, he had a girlfriend, this beautiful model who had unbelievably fallen in love with him, but she had her job too, and most of the time they weren’t even on the same continent at the same time. Whenever she was free, she would go to see him wherever he was, but he knew that wasn’t how a relationship should be. Somehow he knew it wouldn’t last – he probably had known all along – but he liked to pretend that everything was okay, that they were perfect together.

Suddenly, he thought he could hear a voice, a familiar voice, talking in his dream. While he was still floating on the clouds, he could hear a voice calling his name, and he was somehow drawn toward the sound of it, like a coin toward a magnet. It was as if an invisible force was pulling him down, away from the clouds and from that wonderful feeling of freedom he had been experiencing. He didn’t want to leave, yet he couldn’t resist. Somebody was calling him, he could feel the force becoming stronger, and he knew he couldn’t resist it any longer. He had to let go, to give in and stop resisting.

“
Ryan,
” the voice was saying. “
Ryan, I know you can hear me. Please don’t give in; please don’t leave me now
”.

He was sure he knew the voice, he just couldn’t make out who it belonged to.

He had to open his eyes, he had to see the person who was calling him. Yet he felt so weak, even a simple action like opening his eyes seemed the most difficult task to him now. He wasn’t sure he was going to make it; so after a few tries, he decided to give up. The place where he was now was so inviting, so cozy, he never wanted to leave, no matter who was calling him.

He turned back toward the clouds and started to walk, well, to float toward the bright white light on the horizon.

“
Ryan, Ryan!
” the voice called again, with a deeper urgency now, as if that person could somehow see him walking away. “
Please stay with me, please stay with me now, come back from wherever you’re going. Don’t you even dare go into the light now!
”

He turned back, half expecting to see someone behind him, to see that person, that woman the voice belonged to, but there was nobody, and nothing but clouds could be seen.

How could she know where he was going – how could she know where he was? He didn’t want to go back; it was quiet and peaceful here and he needed to rest, he so needed to rest after all that traveling around the world, and he didn’t want to go back to that life, not yet anyway.

He shrugged and tried to take a step, but then something clicked in his head, and suddenly he knew he had to leave. She was calling him and in a flash of light, his whole life rolled by his eyes, as if on a big screen, and he saw her, he saw her eyes shining bright, he saw her smile, he saw the two of them walking in the park, playing the piano at the Club, lying on his bed listening to old records and talking about the future.

Valerie. It was her voice, pleading, shaking, as if she was about to break down. He didn’t want to hear her in such pain, he didn’t want to be the cause of it, he had to go back, to tell her he was okay, that he was only resting for a while and that he would be back soon.

He fought with all his strength; he had to leave that wonderful place, even just for a while, to reassure Valerie, to make sure she’d be okay.

Then, all of a sudden, the clouds were gone and he was falling, just like Alice had fallen down the white rabbit’s hole; he felt his body falling down a long, dark tunnel and, just like Alice, he didn’t know where he was going or how to stop.

It seemed to last forever, but eventually there was a flash of light and his eyelids were suddenly very light, so he could open his eyes without any effort this time.

Only to find he couldn’t breathe, only to find that something was choking him. Something was inside his throat, and he instinctively tried to remove it because he knew he had to take it out to start breathing again. But as soon as he tried, a warm, soft hand stopped him. Before he could do or say anything, expert hands were removing the thing from his throat, and a few seconds later he was able to breathe again.

He looked up and saw Valerie, her eyes sparkling with tears, but a big smile spread across her face and, for the first time in a long time, he felt he was home.

~
Forty-two
~

“Why am I here?” he asked, when they finally removed the oxygen mask from his face and replaced it with a nasal cannula.

“You had a car accident. You came here unconscious and in very bad condition.” She smiled and brushed his cheek, as if to reassure him. “I was on night shift, so I had to take care of you.”

“You mean you actually went into an operating room and did it all by yourself?” he asked in a whisper, staring wide-eyed at her.

She nodded. “I had to. I mean, Doctor Fox was there to help, but I felt a sort of responsibility toward you, and I didn’t want to let anyone else operate on you. I didn’t want to do it at first, but when I saw it was you, I just couldn’t afford to waste even a second if I didn’t want to lose you. So I pulled myself together and just went into the operating room and did what had to be done.”

He took her hand and smiled.

“I’m glad you did.”

“So am I.” She smiled back and squeezed his hand.

“Hey, wait a minute,” he said after a few seconds. “You didn’t see me naked in the operating room, did you? I mean, they did leave my clothes on, right?”

He gave her a funny, worried look, and she couldn’t help but shake her head in disbelief, although she was smiling.

“I was a little too busy trying to restart your heart, to worry if you were or were not wearing underwear, you know!”

He grinned and she was glad he was back to his old self again; she had been seriously worried that he might have suffered brain damage, but she was happy to see that he seemed to be all right now.

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have minded if a nice nurse had actually seen me naked, but you... well, it would’ve been dead embarrassing!”

“Ryan! I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation. I mean, I’m a doctor and a professional: I don’t go around spying under the sheets of my patients!”

“Well, I do hope you didn’t spy under mine anyway.”

She snorted and stuck out her tongue at him, making him giggle. She felt so much better now that she was sure the worst was behind them.

They remained silent for a few seconds, neither of them knowing what to say and just enjoying each other’s company. Then he took a long, deep breath and looked up at her, his eyes sparkling.

“You saved me, Val.”

She shrugged. “I was just in the right place at the right time. Any other doctor would’ve done it even better. But I was glad I was on duty that night.”

“No, I mean you really saved me. You brought me back from where I was going. I was in this bright light with all these fluffy clouds, and I didn’t want to come back. But then I heard you call my name, I heard your voice and the desperation in it, and I was drawn back, away from the light and from all the peace it gave me.” He squeezed her hand tighter, brushing it with his thumb. “I wouldn’t have come back if I hadn’t heard your voice.”

She smiled, but a tear came out of her eye and rolled down her cheek.

“You could hear me,” she said, more an affirmation than a question. She had known all along that he could hear her; she had kept talking to him even when it felt stupid, and she was glad she hadn’t lost hope.

He nodded. “I heard you when I was just about to walk into the light, to reach that place that looked so inviting. You sounded so desperate, I just didn’t feel like leaving anymore. I wanted to come back, to tell you I was okay. I couldn’t bear to hear that grief in your voice.” He sighed, then looked up and smiled. “I was so tired of everything, and I really didn’t mind leaving this world, leaving it all behind and just resting.”

She wiped away the tear with the back of her hand and smiled.

“Well, I’m glad you came back. I would have never forgiven you if you had preferred that inviting white light to me!”

He chuckled and nodded, then inhaled deeply.

“How long have I been here?”

He looked up, and his hazel eyes seemed darker than ever, in contrast with his pale skin. He looked really tired, and she knew it would be good for him to be forced to stay in bed for a few days; it looked like he really needed some rest.

She knew he’d just come back home from Europe. She hadn’t been able to meet up with him in the past week, but they’d been talking on the phone and he had sounded really exhausted. Now he would have a good excuse to rest for a while, and she would make sure that he did. For once, she would be able to make him do what she wanted: Doctors’ orders couldn’t be argued.

“Almost four days. You were taken here on Wednesday night and today’s Sunday.”

He sighed and looked out the window at the sun setting beyond orange clouds.

“How long will I need to be here?”

She sat by his side and shrugged.

“A few days. It depends on how fast you recover.” He groaned and she smiled, taking his hand. “You’ve been through a lot, Ryan. I won’t let you out of my sight until I’m 100 percent sure that you’re okay. We’ll have another MRI, I mean, magnetic resonance, and some more blood tests and stuff. You’re a VIP patient, so we can’t afford to let anything happen to you!”

She winked and he smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes.

“You’re not on duty now, are you?”

She shook her head.

“How long have
you
been here?”

She shrugged. “A while.”

“How long is a while? When was the last time you got some sleep?”

“Hey, you’re the patient, and I’m the doctor. I’m the one who asks all the questions.”

He chuckled and squeezed her hand.

“Val, tell me the truth. I know you too well.”

She sighed. “I couldn’t go home because the first time I tried to leave the hospital, I was assaulted by the crowd of reporters who were, and still are, camping outside. So I thought that, since I couldn’t leave, I might as well stay here and keep an eye on you. Which turned out to be a great idea, since I was right here by your bed when your heart stopped beating.”

“So you haven’t slept in, what two, three days?”

“I took a nap every now and then, but I’m used to that. I’m a doctor, remember? Doctors don’t usually get much sleep.”

He squeezed her hand, and she felt a sudden inner warmth, as if his touch had lit a match inside her body.

“Thank you, Val,” he whispered. “For saving my life and for looking after me even when you were supposed to be at home resting.”

“I should be the one thanking you, actually.” She shrugged and let go of his hand. Then she stood up and got close to the window, with her back to him. “When the paramedics came in and said that the guy needed surgery, I asked the nurse to call Doctor Walker, who lives close to the hospital and who was on call. I know it was unprofessional, and I should have been struck off the medical register, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t going to lose another patient on my table.” She turned back and he could see, even from a distance, that her eyes were sparkling with tears. “But then I saw the hand of the guy on the stretcher; I saw the ring,
our
ring, and my heart skipped a beat. When I realized it was you, I just couldn’t think of anything else but saving your life without wasting any more time. And then I did it. I walked into the operating room for the first time in months and I….” She wiped away a tear with the back of her hand and turned back again to look outside. “I knew I just couldn’t give up until I was sure you were safe. I couldn’t lose you, I wouldn’t lose you, not on my table. My job is to save lives, and I was going to save your life, no matter what. And when I did, when your heart started beating again, I felt as if my life had started again too. A life I had stopped living when that man died on my table.” She turned back and smiled. “So, you see, I should really be the one thanking you.”

“Well, yeah, to be honest, since I knew you were working, I deliberately crashed my very expensive car so that you could get over your fears. Talk about true friendship, huh? You owe me a new car, Doc.”

She chuckled and got close to the bed, with her hands on her hips.

“Haha. That’s a funny one. I see you feel good enough to make silly jokes. It’s a miracle you’ve recovered so fast!”

“That’s because the best doctor ever is taking care of me.”

She felt self-conscious for a moment, so she started fidgeting with the IV, pretending she was checking something, and he closed his eyes for a second, suddenly feeling very tired.