The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6) (5 page)

P.O.V. The Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite

“Eee-Yes!-Ah! And that, my pretty young flower, is the story of how I single-handedly defeated Sku Le’Bizzare last night in an epic battle of Good versus Evil.”

“Golly, Reverend Dolomite!”

“Yes, my delectable darling, fear not, Sweet Charmzelotte, your big brave Reverend Alonzo Dolomite is man enough to see to your every need, my dear. Praise God!”

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“What was that, Reverend?”

uuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllph

“What was what, Sweet Charmzelotte?”

uuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhh

“I think I heard a noise, Reverend.”

uuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgl

“You didn’t hear anything, you gloriously bountiful girl you, sit back down and behave.”

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“I’m scared, Reverend Dolomite.”

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“Settle down, there’s nothing to be afraid of! That unsettling sound is just the wind or something.”

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“Goodnight, Reverend Dolomite. I’m leaving.”

uuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhggllphuuuhhhhgurgleuuuhhhgg

“Sweet young Charmzelotte, wait! Don’t leave me here all alone!”

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“I hate to admit it, but that is a rather unpleasant noise.

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“Maybe I’ll just take a little peek outside.”

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“Great Methodist Punch! There are crowds of groaning parishioners in the yard! And these late night visitors to my little church have a sleep walking shuffle that I am not too keen on.”

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“Augh! Death-like hands are smashing through the windows! They’re crashing through the doors!”

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“Stay back! You folks are scaring me to no end! I shall strike out, in an effort to defend myself! Unh! Take that, you death warmed over walking bag of bones!”

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“Unh! Take that you ugly zo... augh! Your endless masses have over-run me!”

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“Hah, hah, hah. Bring Reverend Dolomite to me.”

“Sku Le’Bizzare, I should have known! Call off your creepy crypt commandos before somebody gets hurt!”

“Silence! You are my prisoner, Dolomite. I will carry you back to the sacred and secret island of San Monique! There, you will be the sacrifice that elevates me to unimaginable powers!”

“You are crazier than a bedbug, Sku Le’Bizzare. You’ll never get away with it!”

“Oh, but Reverend Dolomite, I think I will.”

“Over my dead body!”

“Oui, that’s the idea, mon.”

“I won’t go!”

“Oh, but you will.”

“Who’s going to make me?”

“My friend.”

“What friend is that?”

“This fellow at the end of my cane.”

“Hunh?”

-thwock!-

P.O.V. Constable Keefer Smith

“Doon’t be feeling blue, Keefer m’lad. We’ll soon have our jobs back with the department, just you see.”

“I don’t know, O’Hagan, prospects are looking pretty bleak right now.”

“And that’s why I have brought you to me favourite bar, Bucko. ‘The Thin Blue Lime’ caters especially to coppers, ye see?”

“What’s up with that crappy band?”

“Oh, them? They’re the ‘Derelicts of Duty’. They’re good coppers, even if they are rather off beat.”

“Very funny.”

“At least we’re not in the ‘fishy dragnet’ anymore.”

“Call it ‘vice patrol’, please.”

“Oh, I thought it a grand time, lad. I had a lot of fun in me sparkly dress. Didn’t you like parading around in public wearing women’s clothing and engaging in lewd behavior?”

“Well, I suppose it wasn’t really all that bad.”

“Oh, ho! Lookie here, Keefer. It’s the little Alabamian with the ‘out-o’-his-class’ girlfriend. He is by himself I see.”

“Hey, Citizen Ichabod, come on over.”

“Hiya fellers. I’m glad to see you boys wearing men’s clothing.”

“Debatable, laddie.”

“You look like you’ve been through the wringer, Citizen Ichabod. You’re a mess, all covered in various filths. My detective abilities expertly convey to me that you don’t smell nice, either. However, that is a most becoming and sparkling white parasol of which you are in possession.”

“Thanks, Officer Smith. Did y’all get Sku Le’Bizzare safely ensconced in jail?”

“No, Ickety, a shifty shyster got the vulture freed. Not only that, but he got meself and Keefer suspended from active duty.”

“That’s horrible, Officer O’Hagan! Where is that terrible fiend, Sku Le’Bizzarzar now, I wonder?”

“That’s a good question.”

“Look fellers! A bright red clockwork parakeet just flew in the club!”

“That’s not just any scarlet clockwork parrot, Citizen Ichabod, that’s a state of the art, Los Angelos squawk box! Police. Ornithological. Lengthy. Liaison. Ynabler. What do you have for us, P.O.L.L.Y.?”

“Mm-bawk! Bawk! Calling all carriages! Calling all carriages! Mm-bawk! Be advised! Hordes of lifeless pedestrians on Hollywood and Vine. Mm-bawk! This mob of death is swiftly becoming unruly. Mm-bawk! All units! Respond immediately! Mm-bawk! That is all. Mm-bawk! Except that P.O.L.L.Y. wants a cracker. Mm-bawk! Bawk!”

“Dang fellers, that sounds like some mischief that bad ol’ Skully Beez-zare might get up to, don’t it?”

“Aye, Ickety. And that locale is joost around the corner. What do ye say Keefer laddie? Ye up to kicking that Caribbean banshee aboots one more time?”

“You bet your sweet bippy, O’Hagan! Let’s go!”

“Dang, y’all! There sure are a mess of folks fleeing for their lives down the street we are encountering as we exit the pub! I wonder what’s got ’em all so stirred up?”

“My generous height allows me a view over these terrified masses of running citizens. Oh, I get it. They are running from the hordes of shuffling masses behind them. These unkempt and dirty, sometimes bloody, citizens do not move very rapidly, nor do they seem too energetic, but they are certainly menacing.”

“Aye, now that the flight o’ innocents is past, I can see and hear the unruly mobbe meself.”

mmrrrmm*munch*ammrrmmr

“Howdy, folks. You all comin’ from a big party or somethin’?”

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“y’all ain’t too talkative, are ya?”

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“Do these citizens seem inordinately ‘hungry’ to you boys?”

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“Aye. Let’s ease on back, men.”

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“Those shuffling gaits and slack expressions give these folks a peculiar characteristic. They don’t seem to be completely conscious.”

“They are pretty grabby and bitey, though, Citizen Ichabod. Let’s continue to fall back, and not engage with direct action just yet, O’Hagan.”

“How is it that we have to run full out to stay ahead of this shuffling herd?”

“That is an inexplicable piece of the phenomenon, lad.”

“The permit impaired parade marchers are headed for the train station!”

“These folks is wantin’ to catch a train mighty bad and I don’t think they intend to buy a ticket, neither!”

“Behold! The droopy troopers have come to a slowing and now final halt in their arrival at the train depot.”

“The fact that I am very tall, where you two are rather short, allows me to ascertain a visual sussuration, that is, signs of movement indicating the approach of a group through the crowded platform.”

“That’s very interesting, Officer Smith, and I appreciate the quick explanation of that funny word, too. So who is the center of that activity?”

“Hah, hah, hah. It is I, Sku Le’Bizzare!”

“Sku Le’Bizzare! You fiend! We should have known you would be behind all this! You have all these poor innocent citizens in a devious trance, don’t you?”

“Hah, hah, hah. Oui, Monsieur Tramp-pants, I intend to command an army of the dead, but for the nonce, I have temporarily turned these foolish living cattle to my needs.”

“So these are not reanimated corpses wanting to eat our brains, right?”

“Hah, hah, hah. You are correct, mon.”

“How did you turn so many people to do your bidding so fast?”

“They all did so willingly! Ha, ha!”

“Gasp!”

“Oui, I just opened a bar, ‘Sku Le’Bizarre’s Pitte of Eternal Damnation’. It became very hip, trendy and fashionable to go there, of course. The specialty drink of the house? The ‘Zombie’!”

“Well, they look mentally unstable, kinda sick, and they ain’t really dead; what do you call them?”

“My crazy, queasy, quasi-zombie army.”

“Hey! It looks like you got somebody tied up as a prisoner!”

“Hah, hah, hah. Oui. Your bon homme, Reverend Dolomite. He shall be the fuel to ignite a worldwide
‘Karnivalle of Despair’
!”

“We won’t let you do that, Sku Le’Bizarre. You’re not going to board this train.”

“Hah, hah, hah! With the assistance of my army, I shall!”

“Um, Officer Smith? His crazy, queasy, quasi-zombie army are our own fellow citizens, even if they have turned against us. Are you sure it’s okay to whoop up on these Los Angelosians?”

“Doon’t worry Ickety, they’re so drunk they’ll never feel it.”

“Don’t hit anybody any harder than you have to, men, but let’s apprehend Sku Le’Bizarre and liberate Reverend Dolomite!”

Unfortunately, due to the aggressive nature of these enthralled throngs, we, that is myself Keefer Smith and my partner, Joshua O’Hagan, along with the assistance of concerned citizen, Ichabod Temperance, are required to apply liberal amounts of hard hits upon the inebriated citizenry.

Biff!   Bam!   Boom!

Pow!   Thwok!   Crack!

Rip!   Tear!   Gouge!

“O’Hagan! Not so rough! No ripping, tearing, or gouging!”

“Oopsie! Aye. I may be getting carried away, a wee bit.”

“I think I can dodge around this ol’ drunk chick, but I’m gonna have to pop her date one on the kisser!”

“Aye. I be thinking I’m paircial to standing close behind my dance partner so that I can manipulate his arms and do me poonching faer me.”

“Death warmed over appearing Citizen! You are obviously well over this city’s closely prescribed ordinance involving tolerable inhexification levels. Further, I commandeer this near comatose body in the name of the law. The citizen is advised to ‘just go limp’, as I clasp your ankles and swing you in a continual, spinning, zombie clearing sweep.”

“That’s it Keefer me boy! You’re knocking our citizens that we are pledged to protect about like bowling pins! Good on ye’ lad! Now we’ll get to that VooDoo Hooligan!”

“I must board that train! My army, shall listen to me and hear my words! I Sku Le’Bizarre command you! You will bear both me and my sacrificial victim over your heads and to the train!”

“Well I’ll be danged, y’all, if he ain’t up and done it! Lookie there how his mindless minions hold him aloft in the air.”

“Yes, Citizen Ichabod. They move on the upstretched hands of a hundred supporters. The weight of Sku Le’Bizarre and Reverend Dolomite are spread out among many people so that no one person must bear the load alone. They move as flotsam on the surf of the crowd’s ocean.”

“Well they be ‘surf flotsaming’ their way right over me and Ickety’s heads where we can’t reach. Do something, Keefer!”

“I’ll get them! I got a deep yearning to see you put away for good, Sku Le’Bizarre.”

“Hah, hah, hah! I am prepared for this contingency! Hah, hah, hah!”

“Watch him Keefer! He’s making a furtive movement! He’s got a..! ... Doll?”

“Phew! Dang! I was scared there for a second. I thought that San Moniquan menace, Sku Le’Bizarre was gonna pull out something scary and dangerous. Instead, he’s just got that crude doll. Hunh. That’s kinda funny. In a very rough fashion, that doll sorta reminds me of Officer Smith.”

“Hah, hah, hah! Counselor, where are you?”

“Right here, Sku Le’Bizzarbi doll baby.”

“Howard C. Cross, my loyal retainer!”

“I told you that the money spent to have me on retainer was prudently spent.”

“The charm! Do you have it?”

“The charm? Oh! You mean my memento! I was going to keep it as part of my fee.”

“No! I must have it! Give it to me now!”

“Uh, sure, here you go, Skully. I’ll toss it to you, catch!”

My blood explodes like a Texas oil well when I see the ‘charm’. I immediately recognize the object as my own. About the size of a sand dollar, the irregular shape catches a flare of light on its silver finish in mid-flight.

Sku Le’Bizarre catches the honoured, and sacred trinket.

“
Hah, hah, hah.”

“Give that back. you rotten criminal! That badge belongs to me!”

Sku Le’Bizarre pins my shield to the doll.

W
O
O
O
O
AH
!

I’m diz
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
z
y!

I don’t feel right.

Must. Focus. Thoughts.

Stop, Sku Le’Bizarre.

Must.

Stop.

Sku Le’Bizarre.

Sku Le’Bizarre.

Master.

“Keefer me boy, are you all right, laddie?”

“Officer Smith! Please snap out of it, sir!”

“Hah, hah, hah! He cannot hear you, he only hears his Master!”

“Master...”

“Get aboard the train, VooDoo slave.”

“Yes, Master.”

“My crazy, queasy, quasi-zombie army, get on the train and move us out, but enough of you slaves stay behind to take care of these last two meddlesome pests, O’Hagan and Temperance.”

“Yes, Master.”

I hear voices from outside the train.

“The train’s pulling out, Officer O’Hagan! Sku Le’Bizarre is getting away and he has Officer Smith and Reverend Dolomite prisoner!”

“Quick, Ickety! Come on, follow me! Jump down on the tracks and run! We must catch that train.”

“Smith. You will accompany me to the observation caboose. Ah, here we are. Behold, your former friends helplessly chase after us in a pathetic display of loyalty. Watch as I dash their dreams of rescue.”

My Master chants. My Master pulls out various prepared charms from about his person. Now he weaves a spell with complicated hand movements. A flame comes to life in the ball formed by his hands. This is coaxed into greater and greater strength until its dangerously unstable conflagration is pitched at our pursuers.

KOOB-
BURG!
OOSH!

A gigantic, green VooDoo fireball engulfs the tracks behind the train. The concussive impact of the explosion knocks my body back. Searing heat scorches my eyebrows. My numb body is punctured by thousands of tiny splinters from the dozens of disintegrated wooden railroad ties. The oily flames dissipate, revealing a huge crater amidst the twisted and ruined rails.

Pursuit of this train is impossible.

The men I knew as O’Hagan and Ichabod are thwarted.

My Master’s escape is secured.