The Meaning of Maggie (20 page)

And finally thank you to my dad. While you live on in Ty, Lane, Mac, Brady, Drew, and hopefully many more grandchildren to come, your incredible fight lives on in these pages. I miss you. I love you. And I hope that one day we will once again watch
The Wonder Years
together while sharing Oreos. You get the cream side.

1
.
If we ever get home.

2
.
The magician, not the Dickens character.

3
.
The Dickens character, not the magician.

4
.
During a Sunday marathon of
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
, I decided it was about time I got rich and famous. When I asked Dad about making fast cash, he suggested the stock market. So I researched stocks and decided to invest in the one thing I really believed in: sugar you can drink.

5
.
A millionaire!

6
.
My candy stash that mysteriously disappeared while I was in the throes of a mini Snickers mini coma.

7
.
Joe is slang for coffee. Just like java, mud, and Mom's Life Force. Well that last one isn't as much slang as it is God's honest truth.

8
.
This style of sitting is also known as “Indian style” but I don't call it that because it's not politically correct and “Native American style” just sounds weird.

9
.
Seriously.

10
.
Me.

11
.
Extra mashed.

12
.
It's a curse word that starts with an
h
, ends with two
l
s, and has an
e
in the middle. Got it?

13
.
Real name: Jeff.

14
.
This guy was always on the news and Dad said he was a good guy so I liked him. I also liked him because his name sounded like a marshmallow in my mouth.

15
.
And let's be double honest. The only French Layla knew was French kissing.

16
.
He wasn't.

17
.
What? Dragons could technically exist. They're just like dinosaurs only they breathe fire. And fly. And live in medieval castles. Okay, well maybe they couldn't.

18
.
Hey Zeus, please let it be a myth.

19
.
I don't know why I curtsied.

20
.
When Layla was little Dad called her “Layla Hayla” because he thought she was the bee's knees. He calls me “Mags” because it sounds cool and he calls Tiffany “Tiffany” because if you call her anything else, she loses her mind.

21
.
I'm a fall.

22
.
What? I'm still a kid. I can trick-or-treat. There's nothing wrong with it.

23
.
In fact maybe the Rolling Stones were in a similar predicament when they named the album.

24
.
Holding a fork like this is totally against the Law of Mom but it felt wrong to call him out on it right then.

25
.
Sometimes I forget how smart Dad is. Probably because he always promotes himself as good looking first, brilliant second.

26
.
Nope, still tasted fake.

27
.
The candy that rivals any other in originality, crunch, and overall deliciousness.

28
.
Well it was 50% my bedroom. More like 30% when Tiffany was going through a break-up. Closer to 20% when she was grounded.
¹

    
1
.
Which was 90% of the time.

29
.
No boys allowed in the house.

30
.
I hoped he wasn't banning all spooning because I ate some serious ice cream on that couch.

31
.
Even though I would never wear her shoes because they were too tall and I liked to be down low where the action was.

32
.
They talked in the garage more and more. I guess it was neutral territory. Kind of like Switzerland but with no Swiss Miss.

33
.
I hate mustard.

34
.
Magellan was an explorer. Kind of like Christopher Columbus. But with a way cool beard.

35
.
I swear that only happened once. And I was an amateur back then. I can totally handle my pie now.

36
.
While I was still wearing them.

37
.
RIGHT?!

38
.
Even more so than she already had.

39
.
Yep, that had to be it.

40
.
The amount of time and effort my sisters put into their looks is really astounding. I bet if you added it all up, they've both spent 80 to 85% of their lives shellacking on Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.

41
.
David is Dad's very best friend. He works at the airport like Dad and has a mustache like Dad and likes Budweiser and hippie music like Dad.

42
.
God, we were perfect for each other.

43
.
Turns out whenever Mary Winter was called on in any class, her answer was always “Florence Nightingale.” Even in math. I guess she knew, statistically speaking, she'd be right eventually.

44
.
A butterscotch candy that makes you
smarter
wiser.

45
.
He kind of had this. But only when nothing good was on the radio. So I didn't highlight it.

46
.
Why would anyone invent medicine that didn't work?!

47
.
Most kids only use encyclopedias for their science projects but I've discovered they only give very top-line information. If you sleuth out more specific references, the information gets better and better and you look smarter and smarter.

48
.
Someone better do something about all those dogwoods.

49
.
Just like with Santa—highly suspicious.

50
.
A B!

51
.
Seven.

52
.
It's an evolutionary response.

53
.
Yes, I run now.

54
.
Whatever a spleen is.

55
.
Just as long as she NEVER ever liked him back.

56
.
I tried to get into summer school with Mary. But my advisor says it's for kids who are behind, not ahead. Their loss.

57
.
Love. God, I wanted to write LOVE.

58
.
I know lady, keep reminding me.

59
.
I put this bumper sticker on Dad's wheelchair. He doesn't know it's there.

60
.
For breakfast!

61
.
Exactly.

62
.
She wasn't kidding.

63
.
Oh wow a 5 Musketeers sounds like a way better candy bar than a 3 Musketeers. I'm imagining extra nougat. Lots and lots of extra nougat.

64
.
Because orange tastes too much like oranges.

65
.
“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.”

66
.
That really deep thing he said about burning out, not fading away.

photo credit: Raymond McCrea Jones

Before this big book adventure, Megan Jean Sovern was an advertising copywriter who worked with top-notch talent mostly named Matt or Karen. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia with her handsome husband Ted and his near complete collection of Transformers. He doesn't really like it when she says, “Zoinks.”